After/During break up of step family question
Forums:
I have read the survey about how long people have been together in a step family.
Most of the posts talk about the stresses involved in step families: ex's; step children; behavioral issues; money problems; feelings of betrayal about the situation, etc.
I would be interested to hear from others how the DH/DW/DG acted druing after the break up:
Did they deny the step kids ex's had anythign to do with it?
How did they address the difference in parenting styles after the break up?
Did the person who left remain the "bad person"?
Were requests that the step kids get help in counseling met with anger and denial?
Did the DH/DW/DG then try to make the person who left feel guilty?
Just interested.
Kevin
Here is my part
2 for 2 on the parents that left remain the bad guys.
1 for 2 on the counseling. My ex went to therapy. DH's X is in denial.
Discipline, my ex doesn't but he will support me. Dh's ex talks a good game but does follow through--ever. (No I do not exaggerate) when she doles out she overreacts over punishes then comes to her senses but then doesn't discipline at all. I would have more respect if she would say.. I overreacted, but there will be consequences then discipline to fit the crime. DH hmmm he is inconsistent. Enforces when he isn't in the mood. DH and his EX do not address differences other than compete for the best parent award. My ex and I established that we will not fight and I am custodial and in touch with the day-to day and he will support that.
mine
I am the bad guy for leaving, even though I had told the ex gf for 2 1/2 years that her boys behavior caused us problems. My ex gf refuses to believe that her kids behavior had anything to do with us breaking up -- she insists they are fine. Most other tricks were played too -- trying to put me on a financial guilt trip; offers of keeping an intimate relationship going, but not as a couple.
Now my ex wife and I are getting along. What a trip that is, and yes I wonder how long it will last.
Kevin
isn't it natural to want to blame the other person?
sounds like that is what she is doing. maybe she'll need to go through another relationship to realize the behavior of her son is right on point with what you have already addressed.
now my ex says i'm wrong for leaving. just got an email today. he says i left too prematurely. that i didn't give him enough time to continue with his progress. one minute i start to wonder if what he said was true, then i start to think about everything that happened and all of the anxiety that went along with it and i want to reply to his email and say 'bottom line is look me up when you are finally over your divorce. and if i haven't found a new relationship by then we'll revisit this'. instead i decided not to reply at all. i am doing my best to avoid contact as painful as it is.
question for you: how long were you divorced before you met your ex gf? do you think that maybe you are getting along with ex wife because she is out of the picure? how does your daughter feel about al lof this?
Breaking up because of step kids
I have ended a 2 yr relationship because of my bf's 3 kids. Between their bad behavior, the "baby mama drama," and the child support issues..it made me CRAZY! Sad thing is he and I got along so well & we were in love. Everyone my age has kids. What do I do? Do I totally ban myself from dating men with kids? I love kids, I have a 19 yr daughter in college. I'm sad and wondering did I do the right thing ending the relationship? I miss him so much...somebody please help me...
Kelly
In retrospect...
I know without a doubt I did the right thing -- her kids were never going to get better. She didn't want my help then and she sure hates my guts now. Then again, she is a friggin nutjob....
It might hurt now, but the pain will go away. Things do get better.
Kevin
THANKS KEVIN
I know things would never change and probably get worse as the kids get older. He had 3 kids w/ 2 different women and all under the age of 6. There was no discipline or respect. The kid's mother's did not make them mind,& my bf didn't have the patience or know how to handle them either. Everyother weekend was like chaos. I got to the point where I was getting anxious & depressed a week before they arrived! I was good to the kids and they loved me too. But...my own happiness and identity was lost in my bf's baggage. I am still young & have alot to offer, but now I'm scared to death....thank you Kevin for your kind words. I'm going through a grieving process right now because my bf was my best friend. Part of me knows I need to move on, but I almost feel guilty for wanting to...
Well...
Andrea and I had met in August of 2003and my divorce had been finished up in April of 2003. The divorce was a long drawn out affair starting in 2001 and not getting done till then. I had dated people off and on before I met Andrea and my ex wife got married to the guy she had started dating a year or so after the divorce -- she started dating him during 2001.
I got to admit the temptations in the middle of the night to call her and ask how her kids are doing and if she wants to try -- but I don't. There are reasons why wy are attracted to someone in the beginning and if a relationship ends there are real and legitimate reasons why they end. Change doesn't occur simply because "we want it to be" change occurs because people work at it. If both people don't want to work at it, then it won't happen. I know that I found out recently that her ex husband and his gf broke up so (I guess) her boys are going through a very real eye opening experience. Will it change them? Maybe. Will the fact this is going one change the past and all the hurts and problems. No.
My ex wife and I are getting along (in my opinion) because my father passd away in April and she lost her grandmother and great grandmother last year. Her husband lost his mother in May. My daughter had to have eye surgery a few weeks ago as well. I think we managed to put the differences behind us because we share a child in common. The constant hurts and anger don't do anything to make sure we are raising a child in the best possible way that we both love very dearly.
The relationship with the ex gf has helped me to refine even more what I am looking for in a companion. Would I still date someoen with kids -- yes, but with reluctance. Would I date someone who has major problems with their ex -- that I am even less sure of saying yes.
I loved my ex wife at one point. I respect her as the mother of my child. Do I trust her? Not really.
Did I love the ex gf? Yes. Is there some part of me that would like to take her back? Yes. Katie does say she misses Andrea at times -- but the overall circumstances just were not healthy. She told me last night (Katie is 12) that all this means is that I will meet someone who is the right person down the road.
Time does heal all wounds. Yes, heartache is bad and it hurts and hurts. Yet, continuing in a bad situation just makes the hurt go on and on. Our hearts need to heal and we have the right (not just the option) to be happy in a relationship.
Kevin
Hi kevin...
I am always uplifted by your posts. My bf and I broke up about a month ago. I know how you feel about wanting to make that phone call in the middle of the night. We had been together for 3 1/2 years. I am older than him, 12 years to be exact, he decided that the 'age issue' is an issue afterall. I actually act and look younger than he does, but there is still that 12 years difference. I really love him and it is very hard to do this. he says he loves me too, but thinks that in 5 - 10 years from now that 12 years will make more of a difference. I know he's right, but I never really though about being with him that long because of the age difference, and the fact that this guy is not ready to settle down, and I'm not so sure I am either. My therapist says that a relationship doesn't have to "GO" anywhere, if both parties are satisfied with where it is at the present time. And I thought that was where we were. He says he is holding me back from finding someone that will commit to me since he doesn't know what he wants.
Kevin do you STILL love the ex gf? How long have the two of you been apart now? I think it's been just a few months if I can remember. I do hope this gets easier. I had a weak moment the other night and slept with him again. It was my idea. He wants to remain friends, and I'm thinking maybe I can do that, but not sure.
Anyone want to voice an opinion on remaining friends with an ex GF or BF? Can it be done and still move on?
Hanny
Remaining friends....
I had a very heartbreaking relationship a few years before meeting DH. I was still trying to heal when I met DH and spent several months into our relationship making sure I wasn't just seeing DH to get over the other man. I also remained friends (I have known him since we were 16) with the other man. BUT...email only. I don't talk to him on the phone and I don't see him in person. I also told DH all about this past relationship AND that we still send "how ya doing?" emails once in a while. We do not discuss our past. DH trusts me and I won't betray his trust by having any contact with this man other than the emails. We are both happily married now.
I think the best thing about staying in touch is that now that I'm not trying to make a relationship work with this man I can actually see how incompatible we are and why it didn't work (sometimes hard to do in the moment.) But when he complains about life, or family issues or goes on and on about religion (he's VERY devoted Catholic and I'm Unitarian Universalist) I know it wouldn't have worked. Those things helped me to really truly become friends with him again.
But I still won't see him because it was such an intense relationship and I know deep down those feelings will aways be there - no matter what my rational brain says!
So I don't think it's a bad idea to remain friends with an ex. I would give it a lot of time before you try so you both heal and don't fall back into bed or something. And then I would be the "send a Christmas card/email" kind of friends for quite a while if not forever. It's too hard and unfair to new relationships to be good buddies with an ex who meant so much to you.
Peace, love, and red wine
I think the hardest
I think the hardest relationships to let go of are the ones where you see the other person drowning & they won't accept your help... where the two of you really loved each other, but the other person is so caught up in their own turmoil that they're sinking & sinking... and all you can do is either stand there & watch helplessly or walk away when they refuse help. Sometimes I think that walking away is the only thing that wakes them up & forces them to get the help they need, even if it's from another source. God, I hope so. But it's a hell of a sacrifice.
Hipi
Where does the love go?
That love doesn't just go away. Especially when the reasons for leaving aren't directly their fault. (It's like if I were to leave my husband because his ex-wife finally pushed me over the edge.) You left because the effects your gf's kids were having on your ENTIRE life, even being detrimental to your own child. So yes, I understand why you left. I also understand wanting to pick up that phone just to hear her voice. But I also understand why that would be such a bad idea. You have figured out that no matter how much you want to fix something, sometimes you just can't fix it.
Your daughter is absolutely correct in thinking that your ex was just a pathway to finding the right girl. Heck, your ex-wife is a lesson learned as well. Some lucky girl is out there waiting for you and when you stumble upon her, you're gonna get slapped in the face with the real true love of your life. I can just feel it...
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."
Do I "still" love her?
At times I think the answer is yes, but then most other times I realize what brought us to the situation where it is now. We first broke up in May; had another incident in July and broke it off totally in August. She and I had exchanged a civil e-mail or two in September, then she sent me a nasty one. No contact since then. Katie had her surgery in October and thats when my daughter sent a text message to the ex gf that the ex gf blew off....
It takes a while to "get someone" out of your system. I thought I saw somewhere that it takes "three" attempts at breaking up before its permanent. Not sure if I agree with that.
I do know that the "cycle of grief" is supposed to go like this:
Shock stage: Initial paralysis at hearing the bad news.
Denial stage: Trying to avoid the inevitable.
Anger stage: Frustrated outpouring of bottled-up emotion.
Bargaining stage: Seeking in vain for a way out.
Depression stage: Final realization of the inevitable.
Testing stage: Seeking realistic solutions.
Acceptance stage: Finally finding the way forward.
We go through these stages (theoretically) while we are grieving for the loss of a loved one or the loss of a relationship. Hipi is right that its hard seeing someone self destruct who shoulda/woulda/coulda known better.
Just as a side note -- when I first met my ex gf she worked as a nurse with the County Health Department. She was the Healthworks nurse. When a child is placed in foster care each county/health department has a nurse who follows up on the kids to make sure they get medical treatment -- go to doctor appointments; get vaccinations; progress appropriately developmental wise. If the kids don't then they report this to DCFS and the kids can be taken away. She "oversaw" about 80-90 kids at any one time.
This was the lady I fell in love with -- someone who cared about kids. When her kids kept acting up and she refused to get them help....that was the lady I fell out of love with. I remember her saying how frustrated she used to get at the foster parents who didn't get care for the kids they had....ironic, huh?
I am friends with some of my ex gf's. Weirdly enough I am now on a friendly basis with the ex wife. I guess it all depends on if someone can let go and what is the reason for the split.
No, I don't ever see me being friends with the ex gf....or even being on a friendly basis. That does make me sad.
Kevin
I went through this with a "soulmate" love affair
I just wrote about it in reply to another person on this post. I'd known him since I was 16 and we are once again friends today. But he broke my heart. I thought I would die from the loss-the stress of it. I think you hit the nail on the proverbial head with the Kubler Ross stages of death analogy.
When my relationship ended b/c we had all the passion and love in the world, but too many major obstacles to overcome I did feel like someone died. I couldn't concentrate on work, school. Thank God for my kids to make me get out of bed every morning. I think a piece of me did die actually, a lifelong dream of this man I've loved since I was 16. And I did go through everyone of those stages. I think it was even harder b/c unlike physical death of a loved one, the death of a love affair is incomplete and not final. There's no closure when there were such extenuating circumstances. I can't say I didn't love him or he didn't love me...
So I finally decided to put the extenuating circumstances aside and admit that if we loved each other enough we would have found a way to work them out. We would have put our love above those other things and placed it in a place of reverence. He couldn't. So now I look at that break up differently. I gave it my all. He couldn't meet me half way. So I have nothing to regret or wish to have done differently. Therefore it wasn't meant to be. CLOSURE. That took TWO years!
I had just gotten there when I met DH. I kept him at arms length at first, mostly to protect him from my need to fill my heart back up. But every day, every month DH showed me he was willing not only to meet me half way, but at times pick me up and carry me if I needed it. He inspires me daily to give back, not because he expects it, but because he is so nurturing, giving, actively loving.
And we have tremendous difficulty with his exW who is bipolar. If our love wasn't so amazing the troubles with BM and SD would kill it. But it's way up there sitting in the palm of God. I feel it and won't ever let go of something so amazing.
Wait for that Kevin. I can tell reading your posts that you are a deep, giving, nurturing man. When you meet her, you will know her.
Here's some tacky Ally McBeal wisdom that summed up every relationship prior to DH for me...
"At the times I felt most lonely, I realized I wasn't alone."
Don't settle and never go back. Always move forward in life- toward "her" whoever she is
Peace, love, and red wine
Alone
That is a good quote. After the fall out with my ex-creep I moved away. I was in this huge city of strangers, & always felt like a stranger. It was a very isolating time, living in Houston, because the people I knew there were so afraid of everything & everyone. I'm the type of person that wears her flaws on her sleeve, dresses them up in vibrant colors & pokes fun at them. You can't do that there. I don't know, it just seemed that in Houston, you keep flaws behind closed doors, you keep quiet, be bland, laugh quietly or you find yourself alone. And since that wasn't me, I was alone a lot. Sometimes it was really tough, but I learned a lot about myself, my family & reality. In the time I spent in mostly solitude (I could hang out with people as long as I was on my best behavior - very stifling) I got my head straight & became much more self reliant. I learned a lot about myself. It was a tough time, but I don't regret it at all. It seems to be like it was basic training. It was tough, but it made me tough & it made me grow up. I came out of that with a lot of 'treasure.'
Now I'm back in my home town & far from the silly little girl I was when I left. I've taken my life in the polar opposite direction than most of my old friends, which is weird to me. I'm still alone, but it's not as lonely as it was in Houston, mainly because the people are nicer & more down to earth here. Everyone wears their opinions & flaws on their sleeves here & if you're weird, join the crowd. Had I never gone to Houston & been so isolated, I never could be as successful here as I am now, as out-going, as self-confident. And I'd still be getting mixed up with the wrong type of guys like my ex-creep. (No more badboys!!!)
I guess what I'm saying is that the alone time is really hard, but I think it's a necessity in life so you can learn to trust & like yourself, get your head on straight & get your life the way you really want it. It's not a time of punishment, it's a time of discipline. It doesn't last forever.
Hipi
I like your
cycle of grief. Makes sense. My therapist put is in simpler terms. First is hurt, then hate, then indifference. When you get to the indifference then your over the person. I just want to get to the hate!
Hanny
Oh I hate my ex-creep, but
Oh I hate my ex-creep, but it's slowly growing to indifference. I'm glad about that, because he's not worth my time or energy. But the one I am so sad about is my now ex best friend. He's the one I had to walk away from. He just wouldn't stop self destructing & eventually he resented me for trying to prohibit that. Now I'm the badguy, right? Whatever. It's been about 3 years since I walked away from that relationship permanently & let me tell you that broke my heart more than anything. I still get sad at times. It comes in cycles now. I think about him at least once a week & hope that his life has improved since I saw him last. But I don't kid myself. We won't be friends like that again. All I ask is that he's ok & I believe that I did help him more than I know, because hindsight is 20/20. Other than that all I can do is move on.
I think it would have been better had he been a rat-bastard, but noooo... he just had to disappear into self destruction. This sucks.
Hipi
My ex wife and I...
....went through the hurt then hate cycle. The divorce took almost three years, and then I just became indifferent to her.
It is different when you have children together. The kids tie you together for better or worse for all of their life. Look at all the references to the bio moms who are stuck with anger and hatred. Why be like them?
I realized a simple truth, that I am the only one who can make me happy or unhappy. If I am happy the person who hates me will be unhappy because I am happy. The more happier I am the more unhappy they will be.
Eventually you reach a stage where you are happy and they don't matter because you are happy with who you are. They can't take that away from you and their life is miserable because they are stuck in that "hate cycle."
Life is too short for me to be unhappy or to hate someone. The line of people who don't like me though forms to the left and stretches pretty far at times.
Kevin
I only want to go to hate
because I want to move on to indifferent. My ex and I get along fine. Of course, our daughter is 27, but we still keep in touch about her. She's going through a bad period right now, so he and I are in contact more than usual. If she calls me, I'll call him and tell him, and if she calls him, he calls me. He lives on East Coast and me on West Coast. I also have 5 skids, who all live on West Coast that I keep in touch with. Babysit their kids, etc. So been on both sides, bio mom, and step mom.
Relationships are just hard, and I find myself wondering if I want to get involved again. After I divorced my ex I didn't date for 5 years, just hung out with GF's. then along came my now ex BF. Now I'm finding it hard to remember what kept me occupied and happy for those 5 years. But I think I was adjusting to being by myself (and loving it) after 22 years of marriage.
A friend told me that it takes half the time you were together to get over someone. Has anyone ever heard that?
Hanny
Heard it...
but I don't believe it. It sounds like you are very new in the "cycle." It took me a while and I went back and forth. One thing I read is that you focus on the good things -- when we break up with someone we tend to forget all the bad things and "idealize" the relationship. We aren't together with them to remember that they always squeezed the toothpaste from the wrong end or put the toilet paper on the wrong way. When we were with them, its too easy to focus on the negative things.
The exercise was to focus on all the bad things -- to replace the good things in our mind with all of the bad things. I didn't do it, but I think it could be helpful.
I just go to the gym 5-6 times a week
Kevin
Focus
I think refocusing is the key. Focus on the negative about when they were there, the positive now that they're gone. I had to do that for my ex-creep, but he made it easy.
Also, I found that focusing on something else in life helps... volunteering, exercising, redecorating... have a project where you get good feedback, good results, something positive. It really helps in the 'moving on' process. Not only that, but when new people treat you well, you see things more clearly about that person. And exercise not only makes you look better, it releases hormones that keep you from becoming majorly depressed. Also, if you're helping someone less fortunate than you, it helps to show you that you're more fortunate than you think & it takes the edge off the pain.
Hipi
Rascal Flatts - Bless The
Rascal Flatts - Bless The Broken Road Lyrics
I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you
Every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true
**This song was playing while I was driving to meet my boyfriend on our first date. This was over a year ago. I had gotten my heart broken by my ex, and was moving on. Relationships are like lessons in life. You have to learn what you want, and what you don't want. My ex showed me what I was unwilling to accept, and showed me what I need. I got hurt, badly, but went into a new relationshop with a list of my wants and needs. Now, I think that I pretty much have it perfect. I tell him all the time how that song fits, and when we went to the concert together, it was just serendipitous. Hope every thing works out well for you.
Do I totally ban myself from
Do I totally ban myself from dating men with kids?
YES!!!
I would never EVER date a man with children AGAIN! I don't care if he is GAY! And I'm FIFTY years old!!
And yes I have two grown bios of my own but i foolishly thought that everyone parented children traditionally like I did. You know, manners respect, saying "NO" a lot, teaching children to respect their dad.
Even though I was a real single mom and could have grinded an axe on my children's foreheads like most PASinator BMs do today.
It's like the more CS a CP BM gets, the more it emboldens them to look at their children as mere trophies and CS cash settlements (and often do a craptaculous job of non-parenting) JMO.