Skids vs. Bkids
First off I don't want to sound like a cold hearted jerk, but for the sake of these kids, I need answers!!
My dear wife doesn't get it and I don't really either and I've read alot on the subject on the difference in feeling towards my own kids and the skids. They are all her kids and I can understand why she don't understand. One school of thought is that I'm NOT crazy and though the love may not be there the concern and well-being is. This is where I'm at. The other notion is that I knew that she had kids going into the marrige and I should accept them without question. I DO care about her boys without question but the love I have for my own is different. Is this normal and will it come? And maybe some places I could look for help too would be great!! Thanks! Marrige strained please help!!!
You ARE normal,
The love I have my bio kids IS different than the love I have for my skids. I love my skids and would do absolutely anything in the world for them, but it is just not quite the same.
I don't think it means that you love your skids any less, you just love them differently.
For instance, do you love your mom less than you love your wife? NO. But you (hopefully) do love them differently.
I don't see why that is a bad thing. Are you treating your skids differently or treating them as outsiders? If not, I really don't see the problem.
Skids and Bkids
I think there will always be a difference since your bio kids have a connection (as they should) that the Skids have with their own parent. I have a similar situation at home, I feel sometimes that my husband feels guilty if he spends time with my son. So ultimatley it has ended up that the two just have no relationship. I would suggest spending some time wth each child alone and trying to bond with all of them, as well as she (wiife) should too. At least you recongine the tension now and are trying to do something about it. Ultimately I feel that my relationship will end due to our differences with our children, not because we don't love one another. I have built up a resentment towards my husband because of his non relationship with my son. You don't want to happen.
best left to song lyrics
I think that even when the other parents are involved still, we all dream of a child/ steparent role that enriches our lives . I said DREAM. Ofcourse it is natural to feel more for your children , but sometimes I have seen the dream, my uncle had it with my aunt and her son. Anyway here are the lyrics to a song I find describes that dream better then I do,please notice child is appreciative not rude! LOL
Title: Brad Paisley - He Didn't Have To Be lyrics
Artist: Brad Paisley
Visitors: 2213 visitors have hited He Didn't Have To Be Lyrics since Feb 12, 2007.
Print: Brad Paisley - He Didn't Have To Be Lyrics print version
When a single mom goes out on a date with somebody new
It always winds up feeling more like a job interview
My momma used to wonder if she'd ever meet someone
Who wouldn't find out about me and then turn around and run
I met the man I call my dad when I was five years old
He took my mom out to a movie and for once I got to go
A few months later I remember lying there in bed
I overheard him pop the question and prayed that she'd say yes
And then all of a sudden
Oh, it seemed so strange to me
How we went from something's missing
To a family
Lookin' back all I can say
About all the things he did for me
Is I hope I'm at least half the dad
That he didn't have to be
I met the girl that's now my wife about three years ago
We had the perfect marriage but we wanted somethin' more
Now here I stand surrounded by our family and friends
Crowded 'round the nursery window as they bring the baby in
And now all of a sudden
It seemed so strange to me
How we've gone from something's missing
To a family
Lookin' through the glass I think about the man
That's standin' next to me
And I hope I'm at least half the dad
That he didn't have to be
Lookin' back all I can say
About all the things he did for me
Is I hope I'm at least half the dad
That he didn't have to be
Yeah, I hope I'm at least half the dad
That he didn't have to be
Because he didn't have to be
You know he didn't have to be
I think it is almost
I think it is almost impossible to love your skids the way you love your bios. There is a bond there that is so unconditional it's hard to understand. The same bond exists, I think, between adoptees and their adoptive parents because they are in control over how the child is raised, their influence supercedes all other influences during the young years that you just don't get with steps, even when the non custodial bio parent isn't involved.
That said, I do not think it is impossible to love your skids, just not in the same way you love your bios. And love is ALWAYS worth something no matter what kind it is. If we could place less emphasis on the kind of love we feel for our skids and just accept the fact that we do love them, perhaps we wouldn't need to feel guilty that we don't love them in the same way as our bios.
My therapist says
that it is totally okay & normal for a step parent to not feel the way the bio parent does. I love my step sons, they are great kids and the things that annoy & drive me nuts at times are normal boy behavior. ( I am a girl what do I know about boy behavior) I do love mine & DH's son together differently. I have bonded with him from the moment he moved inside me. I am his world, because I am his mommy. The therapist says it is natural to feel differently because I didn't bond with them from birth like DH did.
The boys love me, but let's face it they love their mom differntly than they love me... they bonded from birth with her.
I think the important thing is to not show favoritism or exclude the step kids from your attention.
I think alot depends on the kids
From my own experience, kids are just so different. I once dated a guy that had two kids a boy & a girl ages 10 & 12. They were the sweetest kids and I fell in love with both of them. To this day I still have feelings for these kids and the 12 yr. old just began college. I have been with my husband for about 3 yrs. married for a little over one. He has two young boys from his previous marriage. Although I do care about his boys, I don't love them even remotely close to how I love my own son or even the kids mentioned above. But, I work hard to treat them all equally. My SS's are 5 & 7 and are very unruly and disrespectful. I know this is a product of their raising and not truly their fault. It doesn't mean I don't hold them to our standards of conduct when they are with us. But, I try to always keep in mind that they are merely a product of their parents and hopefully with consistent discipline they will improve. It's actually rather sad. None of their grandparents either maternal or paternal want to spend any time with them because they are so out of control. We are often excluded from family events if we are going to have the boys that weekend. We just don't get "invited" somehow. But, DH realizes his part and is honestly trying to be more consistent with them. I am personally a product of a step-family. My bio dad was not in the picture until I was in my 30's. I was raised by a stepdad from the age of 3. We had some moments when I was a teenager, who doesn't. But I can honestly say that he has always been a wonderful father to me. His own children have treated him like sh*t and have always just been take, take, take. I've never taken a dime from my parents since the day I graduated high school. I've always worked and have even given them money when things were tight. His kids are more concerned with what they will get when their father dies then they are about what they can have with him while he's still alive. I don't want anything except for he and my mom to live happily as long as they possibly can. Not all step situations are negative. Even with my bio dad in the picture now, I still love my step-dad the most and consider him to be my "real" dad.