Any Advice Please...
Hi everyone. I joined this site a few months ago, but I had to cancel my account and create a new one today because of the crazy drama I was just thrown into!!! I am so angry at how easy it is for anyone to just get your personal informaton and 'pretend' to be you! Have you had your PBM's do this? I just don't know what to do at this point. I ask my family/friends for advice and they are no help, since they have never heard of someone doing this or even where to start to fix this. How can someone who doesn't even know YOU 'pretend' to be you. I am not understanding any of this right now. Other than the mess above I need advice on what happened this morning...SD10, she makes it clear to me daily that I am not her mother and I have learned to deal with the attitude from her. But, she is having a school function this Thurs and I offered to help in any way that I can. I am told, by a 10 yr old, that I am not her mother and I do not need to do anything for her or her school and I better not show up with anything like I did last time when I was told not to! Whoa!! excuse me??? who's the adult here. DH says to be patient, always be patient. how much more patient do I need to be? I wasn't trying to 'take-over' I just want her to know even if she hate me I still love her and know one day we can hopefully have a good relationship. Any adivse will be great!
my response
You offered and she said no. Why pursue the subject knowing how she feels?
I pursue because...
I am the only mother figure she has in her life. I know how I felt as a child at school functions with no family around and I don't want her to feel how I did.
So, am I wrong to try to do "things" for her?
stepdaughter
If I offered to do something for a friend and they said no I would drop it so I would do the same for SC. When she gets ready to have a relationship with you let her pursue it and that she will feel like she has a tiny little bit of control over her life. DH is right and I would give her some space. If you pursue a butterfly it will fly away, but if you sit quietly it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.
Everyone is right
I have never been told "your not my mom" but I have been used and manipulated by SD and BM to point that I can not believe a word that comes out of SD's mouth now (she's 21 now)I have helped raise her from the age of abt 11,(dad had custody)BM could WOULD NOT ALLOW me even the simplest role in SD's life,(after she manipulated SD into making our lives so miserable that it came to a head one night and her dad threw SD out of the house,just like they both planned,we knew who was pulling the strings!) BM was(and is)too insecure and WACKO to LET ANYONE into SD's life without her express approval, which usually means, what can they bring with them?? Usually money and taking care of the both of them, they DO NOT LIKE TO WORK!When SD comes over,be polite,do not offer anything,(it only end up hurting you)that way you get to keep your sanity, and MAYBE you might eventually end up being friends when she is done with all of her hormone and rough stages of growing up she is going through!
Maybe you can let her know that you will always be here for her,but only when she seeks you out!And then give her that space she seems to want right now.
Also, could you ask your hubby if it would be a good idea for all of you to go into counciling,just her for now if she will allow it,and later maybe hubby and you can join in,it sure couldn't hurt,that;s for sure.
It helped me!
hangingin
Thank you
Thank you for all the wonderful advice...I am so glad I found this site. I have been doing as suggested and not offering anything. And Guess what?!? Last night she asked for my HELP!!! Thank you everyone, very much!
Trust
Maybe she just wanted to know that you respected her boundaries. When you do respect her boundaries, then she knows she can trust you.