I can't do it
Hello Everybody,
I think this website is very cool and many of you have great insight, maybe you could help me on this one.
I am getting married soon and in the process of looking at a house. I don't want the 18 year old boy to live with us at all. He is not a bad kid, just pvery lazy. He goes to a special school for four hours a day and goes back to his dad's place and plays the computer until 3:00 in the morning. He has no interests or no friends. The boy has had a rough childhood and my fiance doesn't even have legal custody of him, his grandma does. It is weird circumstances, but living with his real mom can't work because she is a drug dealer. I feel that he should live on his own and we should possibly help him get established in his own apartment or something? I feel bad that I don't even want to try it.
I don't really know how to tell my fiance I don't want him to live with us at all. I am kind of scared it will start a bad fight. What do you guys think?
No way to start a marriage....
You HAVE to tell your fiance... don't save it until after the wedding... you both really need to be on the same page... believe me, this kind of issue needs to be worked out....
It may very well start a big fight, but would you rather live with someone you don't want to live with? Don't sacrafice your own happiness just to avoid conflict... marriage is about honest communication and compromise.
"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned"
-Budda
You are right, I do need to
You are right, I do need to talk about it.
I have mentioned it before and he gets defensive and I probably am coming off cruel by saying I don't want anything to do with his son. He feels that maybe the son needs to get on feet first before making him move out. The problem is that I that noone has future plans for the son. To make a long story short, the son was never wanted by either parent. The mother has four kids in foster custody. Anyways, I sometimes think he still doesn't want/ like his son like a father should love him. He blames everything on having the son when he was too young.
I really love my fiance, but I really hate this subject. I don't know how to properly address the subject with him without sounding cruel. I have put off marrying him and getting a house because of this. I guess i am glad he is 18 and hopefully the son will go somewhere else. I WILL NOT sacrifice my happiness for this, so I am staying in my own place. This is our only problem and the communication on this area is really bad because he gets really defensive because I called his son damaged goods at one point
Do you have any suggestions to make this come out a little softer?
Thats hard....
Yeah, to tell you the truth it does sound a little mean.... but if thats how you feel than thats how you feel... I wouldn't hide the truth of how you feel because thats just misrepresenting yourself... Your fiance may like it, and he may not, but at least you are being open and honest with your feelings.
If you and your fiance have already touched on the subject and you think you may be in the same boat then that should take a bit of the fear away....
Its a tough subject and theres no way of getting around that.
I really feel badly for the son... His own parents not wanting him and all... thats got to be tough on the kid.
"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned"
-Budda
Thank you for understanding.
Thank you for understanding. I guess you are right, that at least we are somewhat on the same page. I truly do feel sorry for his son, but that is pretty much why I don't think that I want to get involved with the situation. Thanks again for listening
What to do, what to do....
I personaly belive that if you are going to marry someone with baggage then you have to put up with it. I have 2 S/kids and even though we don't always get along, I have to put up with it as I knew from the first day I meet him that he had baggage and if I didn't want that, then I'd have to find someone single.
In the end of the day it's not the kids fault and as my husband always says, If you and the kids hated each other I don't know what I would do as my kids come first and only now that I am a mum myself I understand the love.
Onlt thing I can say is set some rules at home and tell him that if he doesnt stick by them then you guys don't wnat him there.
But you have to tell your man how you feel...
compromise
I can understand wanting to make everything easier , especially at the beginning of building alife together, BUT it also sounds like this kid need some help and if iis his son, custody or not could you consider talking to him about having him live with you for certain amount of time , say one year and have plan on how to help son wokr toward becoming independant and then sit down with SS and give him the way it will work so all are in agreement. That way you could light at end of tunnel, your fiance would see you trying and in long run could help the boy. Just an idea.
Special School
Hi, You said the kid goes to a special school. When I read that, I thought maybe he might need some kind of halfway house or group living situation. He is 18 years old and officially an adult. Maybe learning what his long term needs are and looking into ways to help him, would be a good starting spot for discussion about the impact this will have on your relationship with your soon to be husband. I agree with everyone though. This is NOT a discussion to happen after the wedding.
Good Luck.
Congrats!!! I'm getting
Congrats!!! I'm getting married in a month and just bought a house too. Good luck with everything- I agree with everyone else that you should tell him before the wedding. I have made sure to cover all bases before the wedding happens so I don't get stuck in a situation I can't handle.
Hope all goes well!
The sentence that he was
The sentence that he was never really wanted by either parent is really sad.
I think that most 18 year olds are still pretty lazy. If he goes to a special school, does that mean he won't be able to go to college?
Can he go to a community college?
If as you say, he isn't a bad kid, then maybe you could go ahead and get into your new house, but agree with his father, that since he's 18, if after high school he lives there for awhile, he'll pay rent, because he's an adult, not because he isn't wanted. Maybe if he has to pay rent anyway, it will encourage him to work and get his own place, or go to school.
Of course, if you just don't want to deal with someone else's kid, that's your choice, too. In that case, you shouldn't get married to someone with children.
I got myself into a situation that I don't want to be in anymore, and at least you're looking ahead and evaluating whether you really want to do it.