That really hurts. I suspect that the bm makes them feel as if they cannot or should not accept you. From the bio mom point of view I would say that bm should be grateful to have you as it sounds like you don't play silly games or mistreat the kids. The stepmom in me however says the bm can take a flying leap!

I would tell the kids (when they bring up that you cannot marry their dad) that it is not their concern.... that they are kids and should worry about being kids and not what the adults are doing.

Yeah there is loyalty, but at some point in time they will have to learn exactly who you are in their life. Yeah we have the same problem with the BM to a T, drug addict, Alcoholic, had her child taken away because of neglect, then she did not see him for many years, could not pass her drug tests so it went to supervise visits, eventually she got to the point where she became a very good actress, so now she has SS EOW and yes, he had the same project, First she did it all wrong, they way she made it looked like the stork delivered him to earth. (BM was a middle school drop out) then she only put in pictures of her and her family and her husbands family!? We were never made aware of the project of course so she just drew a circle for my husband and left my son (SS's half brother) and I out of the tree, yeah a totally jealous B#%*h I felt bad for SS since he turned in the project like, he told me he was really embarassed, but hey he has to learn who his mom is right?

SS had a school project "all about my family", this project was completed during BM's time,it included a poster with pictures, and BM put an old picture from when her and dh were together. I knew bm did the poster, because it was her handwriting on it. The essay part he did do, and he included me and his stepbrothers in it. DH was like what a b*tch she is, I was like, nah she is just jealous because I have what she wants. I think it is all in the way you choose to react to these things. I know it was an attempted dig, but I chose to see it as being pathetic and kinda sad. I am positive she expected me to get angry, tear up the photo and call her out on it.Rather than do that,I chose to be the adult, and as an adult I realize everyone has a past. I sent the poster back home with him. She hasn't done anything else like that again.

I think I might have words of encouragement for you. My ss use to love me endlessly, and talked about me so much, when he would return to his mother, he would mistakenly call her Candice instead of mom. Then as he grew older, and was put through more and more torment, ss began to have divided loyalities towards his mother, and became more defiant towards us.

When he use to say things that would hurt my feelings, I thought to myself "I'm the one that forfeited my nights at the bars to be at home with you and your dad, to read to you...how could you say such a hurtful thing to me?" You know what? Kids that have abandonment issues are angry, and they tend to take their anger out on the sp's b/c they can. Your skids have been abandoned by their mother, and they don't know why she isn't in the picture, and to offset her f*ckup, she guilts them into thinking your the bad person and she is the good person. In the kids' eyes, their parents are the best people in the world, and when their mother puts guilt trips on them, and burdens them with adult issues, they don't know how to handle it, and they punish those who they can. Those kids can take their anger out on you, b/c you aren't their mother and you aren't their father. To them you are an added bonus that can come and go.....even though you are the one raising them, providing for them, etc...kids look at sp's in a different light than their parents.

It isn't fair, and sometimes feels like you are doing all the work and no rewards, but you are doing something your skids need, and that is giving them a positive role model to look up to. They may never verbally give you a thank you...or give you appreciation, but know this, by being there and demonstrating being a good person, you are giving those girls a good example of how to behave and treat people, and hopefully that can be your reward.

Being a sp is a very difficult job with very little appreciation. Sometimes we do all the right things for these kids, and we get no love whatsoever. Those poor kids are carrying the burden to protect their mother, and that is very unfair for them.

Sometimes when I want to vent about my ss, or have an explanation as to why he says the hurtful things he says...I go to counseling. Sometimes if I know the "why" part, it helps me forgive easier, and then I can continue my progress on being a good sp.

I hoped I helped,
Candice