DH and I have been married for almost six years. Our kids are as such: BD4, BS9, SS11, SD14 and SD15. (BS9 is mine from a previous marriage, but my husband adopted him. SD15 was conceived by his ex in an adulterous affair, so she's not really "ours," although we claim her as one of our kids.) At the time we got married, BS was only three and the skids were 6, 9 and 10. BD was born two years later. We've never had any problems between the kids. They are brothers and sisters, no step, half, adopted etc. about it. They refer to each other as brother and sister and that's what they are. We're fond of saying that there are no steps in our house.

From Day One, I got along GREAT with my skids. Loved them to death, treated them as if they were my own, did whatever I could for them, went out on a limb to be friendly with their mom and they responded enthusiastically to me. Hug, kisses, I LOVE YOUs and the whole nine yards. My son "adopted" my husband right off, even started calling him "Daddy" all on his own long before the actual adoption was ever finalized. The dynamic between me, DH and our five kids has always been wonderful. As the girls approached and finally entered teendom, they did become a little less exhuberant in their affections. It's not cool to like your parents, you know. (Do they still use the word "cool?") The older they get, them more they grow away from us, but some of that is certainly natural due to age.

We are cursed with one of those psycho BM's who has done everything in her power to alienate us from the kids and she's been pretty successful during the past two years. So we are always dealing with the fallout from not getting to see them, not being able to talk to them on the phone, not being informed about anything regarding them, etc. We've had to do a lot of damage control.

I think at twelve, she's immature enough to act like a spoiled brat and not give a shit about anyone else, but definitely mature enough to listen while someone gives her a firm talking-to. No, you can't make someone like you, especially if that person has already decided they don't WANT to like you. You can tell her that you love her and want her to be a part of your family, but you can't make her hear that message or respond the way you'd like her to. I keep telling myself that someday when they are older, they will understand all we went through for them. Maybe your SD will, too.

~ Anne ~

"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission."
-Eleanor Roosevelt

I think as a general rule of thumb, it is "easier" to blend a family with young kids because when they're little they tend to love everybody and not be so jaded. But there are so many exceptions, that maybe it's really not a rule, but more a stereotype or even a misconception. I hear a lot on this site about 3 and 4 year olds not accepting a new step parent and teens getting along great with theirs, so go figure.

In my case as a stepchild, my dad and SM got together when I was 10 and my sister was 6, brother 14. I never really liked my SM, but tolerated her, respected her, and was glad that my dad had a partner to love even though I never really bonded with her. My brother, a *very* rebellious teenager, HATED her and it showed. (But he hated everyone, I think!) My sister, a *very* insecure little girl, also hated her, from the ripe old age of 6 and it too showed, big time. I was always the people-pleaser so even though I didn't like the way she treated us, I wanted to please her so I was respectful, even through my worst teen years. I think it had more to do with our personalities, not our ages.

As for my SD, I am blessed blessed blessed with a sweet, loving, open, genuine, compassionate, accepting little girl. I met her when she just turned 9, now she's turning 12 and I keep wondering if my step-bliss will be over soon! It may continue though, just because of her personality - we'll see soon enough!

As for whether your SD will get over herself and accept you, I sure hope she will. Have you tried doing any one-on-one bonding with her lately? What are her interests? Say she's into horses for example - could you two go on a trail ride together or something? I know you can't force it, but you *can* reinforce that you're here to stay, you love her and her dad and you want a relationship with her. You say there was a time that you did get along. Try and bring that up and say that you'd like to get back to that point and you're wondering what happened to make that change. She may surprise you and open up. She may push you away, but it's worth a try.

I'm sure the age thing does make a difference. My ss was 6 months old when his father and I started dating. I think he has just always known me as part of his life, so in that mannor I am not an intruder.