My husband makes sure I am not with him when he picks up his children. Does this sound right?
We already have my kids one weekend, my husband's kids the next weekend so we never have any time together or time to plan anything as a couple. This is how his EW demands that the weekends be so her children aren't around mine. My husband's EW despises me and apparently has threatened me to my husband if I come onto her property (her words..."I'm not responsible for what I do when she is on my property"). So, my husband does not let me go with him when he picks his kids up and the couple of times I have been with him, he stops at the end of the driveway. He is doing this only to please his ex-wife. He makes sure he even communicates with her when I am not around and deletes text messages so that I cannot read them. He already gives her a crazy amount of money every month and she is continuously calling him asking for more money just a few days after he pays her his monthly support. Everyday, there is contact between the two of them, so I feel like I am being shut out and this is being done behind my back. They just went to court a couple of months ago b/c she was trying to prevent the kids from being with us at all on the weekends and that was my husband's opportunity to get the weekends changed to have his kids and my kids on the same weekend. His EW requested that they try to settle the case before seeing the judge, so the judge agreed and let them go into another room to attempt settlement. His EW and her attorney said that they would not even try settlement if I was in the room, so I was not allowed in the room to discuss anything which pissed me off. My husband shouldve put his foot down and said this is my wife and if she can't be in here then we will just go on before the judge. Well, guess what, hardly nothing was accomplished in this court date that we had been waiting for for months!! Only that his Sunday visitations were extended to 6 pm instead of 9:00 am (he had previously agreed to have the children back to EW for them to go to church with her every Sunday which was a problem for us if we had plans to go out of town with his children for the weekend). Anyway, he says that he did "try" to get the weekends changed but EW and her attorney kept shooing it down!! Of course, they did!! At that point, my husband should've said well, let's just bring it before the judge and let him decide since they were there at the courthouse and this was their scheduled court date!! But NO, he didn't even think of that, he just went along with it b/c that is what EW wanted!! This was the biggest issue to get accomplished that day and he knew how important it was to me and did nothing! That was Jan 30th and it is now March 24th and I have been so completely depressed about this since then. We argue constantly b/c that is all that is on my mind. I feel completely betrayed by him and he doesn't understand it. Has anyone ever heard of a situation like this? I'm about ready to throw in the towel, I cannot live like this anymore!
Not good
hi,
In my opinion, your Husband needs to grow back his nuts and put his foot down. He is NOT married to her anymore. He is married to you. YOU come first. SHE doesn't make the rules anymore.
As I tell my finace', that's the beauty of divorce.
Oh, and BM use to threaten him all the time about me being in the car at drop off. Everything from, 'i'm gonna kid her ass to I'm gonna get a retraining order' I still came. It drove her crazy. But she finally got it through her thick little head that she can't control that.
Anyway, good luck. Jo
thanks Jo
I'm so glad to hear that SOMEONE agrees with me. My husband doesn't see any problem with these issues. It only bothers me, apparently he supports it which is why we are NOT getting along at all right now. At least your fiance' took the initiative to stand up for you which is a HELL of alot more than I can say for my husband.
Your lucky! Thank you again for they reply. I feel like I am so alone right now. It's nice to have some feedback from someone else!!
In total agreement here.
He should have made it clear from day one that you would be included in everything. The very first time he let her get away with making decisions for YOUR household, that was it. Now she can do it whenever she wants simply because SHE KNOWS SHE CAN. I say it's time for you guys to take back your life.
He needs to tell her that there are going to be some changes coming down the pike and she can either accept that and work with the two of you for the best interest of the children like a mature, reasonable adult OR ELSE. Have you tried extending an olive branch to her, mother to mother, to see if there's any hope of setting this aside? (Yeah, I know, it's a pipe dream.) I've had a lot of conflict with my skids' BM over the years, but we have reached the point where we can tolerate each other now. She had a lot of insecurity and jealousy going on initially and I did try to tell her numerous times that I wasn't a threat to her or her children. Almost six years later, I think she finally gets that. You guys have to do something, though, or it's going to be an AWFULLY long life...!
~ Anne ~
Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)
Ouch!
Yeah, it's really really really tough when you don't have the support of your husband. He's diffidently catering to the whims of BM, and not his own.
My question to you guys is, why not get your own attorney? By your post, it sounds like you went in without representation and she had one that bullied their way into using you as the excuse to corner him. That I don't like. That is a red flag to me.
The other thing is that often, BFs just don't have any more 'fight' left in them because they are all spent prior trying in the first place, and failed on them- be it the previous relationship, or trying to compromise. So, in their mind, it's easier to just give in to BM for a less dramatic equation thinking it's benefit for the kids. But, the sad retreat really isn't working in the long run. It's really hard.
One thing that I suggest is start with neutral territories. Instead of picking/dropping off the kids at either parent home, use a public place, so it's neutral. Then there is no excuse or reason to say you can't be there... it's public property. Second, then there are plenty of other witnesses to any scene, and it makes it very very less likely that anyone would even try to make a scene because it is public. It doesn't bother me if I'm there or not. But I could see how the mixed up schedules can affect your life. That would bother me too.
Sometimes we have to try to convey the positive reasons on how something would benefit the OTHER person in order to make changes, rather than how it will benefit US... if you see where I'm going. If you can find creative constructive ways of why a change is necessary in benefit of the other person, sometimes that will motivate them. So, maybe look at it from a different perspective and maybe you might find a new way of 'delegating' to your husband?
Maybe it's time to really just let your DH handle all and everything for his kids for a while... and when your kids are there, you take charge and do things with your kids... without DH? After a little while, he may see the bigger picture... you're living two separate lives. If it continues, then you may have your answer.
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
I understand exactly
When fiance' and I first started dating I was not "allowed" anywhere near drop off or pick up but guess what she lost now it is the other way around I am at every drop off and pick up all because she started yelling at fiance' at drop off on night and now he will not go alone unless there is no other option. At first I didn't even look her way then I got to thinking I am not sitting on pins and needled watching everything I do because it may piss her off so now there has even been a time or two that I got out of the car to help sd out (we have a tall truck and she is tiny her dad was busy fixing something on the front) I just got out helpd her out handed fiance' her suitcase and he walked her over to her mom. Needless to say it made her mad to the point she was like why did she have to get out and all he said is "she is a part of sd life so get use to it" and that was it she still complains about me always being with him but hey if she is complaining about me then she is leaving someone else alone lol
As for you having his kids one weekend and yours the next... is there any way to get your kids weekend changed?? My ex and I kinda work together on that because my youngest looks forward to sd being there so we try to keep the weekends the same.
Good luck and hang in there!!!
I agree with all of the
I agree with all of the above, You are the wife, That part of his life he owes her nothing other then to love and support his children. He needs to not be so concerned with her wants but yours
" Period", Its you he wakes up too
NOT HER!!!!
You prolly need to tell him, get rude and to the point.. Honesty does hurt when it comes from someone that feels like that are of no importance, You should not be pushed aside or put on the back burner for her. Your ideas and plans and goals are even more so important because you have committed to making a life with this man. You need to find out what the big deal is that why this is even going on, And why he gives her control when that control belongs to you as his wife.
You should be apart of discussions, You are apart of his life and those kids, If it concerens the kids and so forth then whats so secretive about that ya know? And that texting all day long back and forth.. " OOOOOOH NO"... tell him if he took all that effort that he puts into that phone into you ,you wouldn't have any concerns or doubts or fears!
He is putting his energy into the wrong person, He needs to put it all on you.
Ummm.. Girl.. I could not take that.. His phone would be thrown in some lake some where.. but not til I called up the x and told her what I really thought first( hee..hee, I got a hot little Irish temper), Well thats my advice.. but.. STAND UP FOR YOURSELF YOU DO HAVE SELFWORTH, Even if he is to busy butten his nose around some place it dont need to be to even see it in you.
Put the smack down on his happy town.. even hers for that matter, Take control.. You can be a women in control for all the right aspects.
There's one thing I see he's trying to do..
There's one thing I see he's trying to do that I don't know if any of you caught. By keeping you away from the EW, he's trying to prevent a full out war. He obvioulsy knows how his EW is and has his own way of dealing with it - although, his methods do not please you. Quite frankly, I don't blame you. I think ultimately, he's doing this for the sake of the kids and trying to prevent her from going postal on you.
Quite frankly, I'd rather stay away from my BF's ex. I don't like her and she doesn't like me. I'm just sitting back waiting for her to make a fool out of herself trying to bad mouth me to my BF (which she does at least via email LOL).
I hope you hold onto your sanity. Good luck.
I agree that it sounds like you aren't a priority...
... and if I thought for ONE SECOND that his ex-wife had threatened him with a restraining order or otherwise "demanded" that I NOT be there with him to pick up the kids, I would definately be tempted to make it a point to BE THERE to pick up the kids. Not to be a bitch, but to prove that she couldn't control me.
But I did the math and I figured out that at a 74 mile trip up there and a 74 mile trip back (adding 5 minutes loading time) at an average of 55 mph comes out to exactly 2 hours and 46 minutes of..... ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. I get to chill out, have a glass of wine, take a long bath..... I don't really care whether she wants me there or not, I wouldn't trade that 2 hours and 46 minutes for anything!!
Hope everything works out for you. Keep us posted.
Tootsie
"You gonna skin that smoke wagon, ‘er just stand there and bleed?"