I am tired of hurting.....any ideas?
I am stuck in a place where I am feeling overwhelmed and sad. I don't see a reason to continue weaking up every day but I don't believe in suicide...so no worries there.
My oldest son is moving out next month leaving me with a rebellious teen daughter who doesn't NEED me in her life anymore(she can depend on dad and step dad), and a step daughter who won't come over.
I just quit my job and don't find joy in anything anymore.
I have recently talked to my counselor who sent me to a psychiatrist and put me on antidepressants. I can't wait to start feeling some happiness again.
Now comes the most troubling part of this for me and I am hoping someone has been through this and can advise me on how to handle it.
My husband knows how sad I am lately and he tries in every way possible to show me he loves me. I guess I should be grateful to have a man like this in my life but I just don't feel it.
I can't look him in the eye, I don't want to sleep with him, we aren't talking to each other anymore(I have nothing to say and don't care what he is thinking or going through)
I made the mistake of trying to be more forgiving and patient with his ex wife. Now it seems they are getting closer and she is feeling safe with contacting him any where any time and he allows it. They are regaining an intimacy that has affected us more than a few times.
I know they still have feelings for eachother and I also know that I am basically driving him back into her arms. I wouldn't blame him one bit if he left me and went back to her.
I am so tired of hurting him with my distance and thoughtlessness but I just don't feel what I should to try to make our relationship work or get better.
Has anyone else ever gone through this? Is this what they call the 7 year itch? How do I get myself back to loving this man who loves me so much?
Please don't tell me to look back at why I fell in love with him in the first place...I have tried to do that and all I see when I look back is the hurt and mistrust and betrayal between us. I am feeling as if we are together more out of practical reasons than feelings.
We have also tried separation and I get even more lonely and he gets more hurt so that won't work either.
I want him to know that it isn't his fault and that there is nothing more I can ask of him. But I know if I talk to him about this his insecurity in our relationship will take over and he will get defensive and withdrawn. Then our kids will have 2 non functioning parents and that's not fair to them.
Is there a way to make him understand that this is a phase and prevent him from running back into his ex wifes arms? To assure him that things will get better and he needs to just hang in there?
Anything any one can tell me would be welcomed.
I need to pull myself and all of this together.I just don't feel like it anymore.
Well, I just posted the same thing!!
Wow! I feel like I just read my own post. I just finished writing a post very much like yours! I feel the same way, I have a supporting loving husband who adores me and the only difference is he doesn't talk to his ex. My SS has been a constant drama for 2.5 years and now he doesn't want to come here anymore. I am either angry or sad, depends on the day and I feel like me and hubby are just functioning. I don't want to be intimate and I know all this is breaking his heart but I don't know how to stop. Maybe some advice given to me in my post and me reading yours we will get back advice from someone who has been there. Good luck mate and I hope we both work it out.
Catch xx
My post: Why do I feel worse than ever?
Hormones?
I have no idea how old you are, but with a teenaged daughter and son old enough to move out... well, have you considered a visit to your ob/gyn to have your hormones checked? Early menopause can start as early as the mid-thirties and some of what you are experiencing could be symptoms of perimenopause. If you're due for a check-up, anyway, ask them to check. It's a simple blood test. For the past couple of years I thought my husband was just the world's biggest asshole and most of the time I couldn't stand to be in the same room with him. Then I discovered I was in early menopause (at 36!), started taking some meds for that and now I like him again. Sometimes I even like him A LOT... wink, wink, nudge, nudge. May not be the solution to your problem, but it can't hurt to check.
~ Anne ~
Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)
A few years back
I felt similar, I felt really defeated in my marriage and relationship to my dh. Not only was I going through blended family issues, but I also discovered that his sister (who I thought was my friend) really betrayed me. She did and said unmendable things, and my dh never defended my honor. I was really hurt by both him and her.
I did a lot of crying, I did a lot of complaining, and it pretty much got me no where, except further and further away from my dh. I was angry and sad, and it seemed like no one cared. Then one day, I just decided that I was tired of being mad. Then I decided to start being who I wanted to be....happy. So I found things that made me happy, I invested in friends that made me happy, including my dh. I found hobbies that I enjoyed, and I began creating goals that would make me feel accomplished.
If you want to be happy, you need to step in the direction that will lead you to happiness. Reminding yourself of the bitter memories of hurt and betrayal will not take you there. Forgiveness isn't about letting the person who betrayed you get away with it, it's about setting yourself free from the emotional jail you put yourself in.
I'm sorry that you are feeling this depressed, I hope that in some way I helped you. Please do follow Anne's advice about checking out your hormones. They do play a vital roll in our emotional well being.
Candice
P.S. You might try taking an aerobics class, or yoga, or some form of exercise. Exercise will help increase your endorphins and just make you feel better. It's a great way to get yourself back on track!
I Have Been There Too!
My stepdaughter has not come home for 4 months, and found a new closeness with her permissive mother and decided our house, with some reasonable guidelines and rules, was no good for her any more. After three months of being totally depressed and feeling as if my husband, her father, did not support me, and feeling victimized (after given her 15 years, she just goes to live with her mother without a word!, I tired of depression. I am working on the things that make ME happy. I have stopped dwelling on what a little brat my stepd is and how complicit and ungrateful her two parents and are started focusing back on me and my marriage. RUN, DO NOT WALK, to a marriage counselor. Ours affirmed that the most important relationship for both my husband me is OURS and not the one with the petulant daughter.
My husband has practically stopped dealing with her because I have made my home a warm, fun, and vibrant environment. She is not missed, adn someday will grow up and reailze that burning bridges is not a very good idea. It will probably be when she needs money . . .
In the meanwhile, I am focusing on my little one of 4 years, my husband, his birthday, and fun things we do together. I have not eben been invited to my own SD's graduation, and if I am, I will paste a smile on my face and be a class act. If I am not, I will find some other wonderful thing to do that day!
Pefectly said!
This is what we all need to do...focus on our own lives in a productive manner, and everyone else will benefit!
WoW!!
As I am going through the same thing, I am going to take this with me for the next few months and live it. Some people say some awesome things on this site and you just said 'because I have made my home a warm, fun, and vibrant environment' WOW, something inspired me!! Thankyou steptoateen.
Catch xx
Candice's Experience
Is the one I am going to carry with me this week...I want to stop reliving the bad moments....start accepting them...letting them go...and move on to brighter days ahead...which according to my sister..who read something called The Secret...is possible if we just believe it! I BELIEVE, I BELIEVE!!!! :>)
Funny....
bonus Wife, someone just mentioned a DVD called 'The Secret' to me the other day. Must be same one as she said it was about empowering yourself with positive thoughts. She has seen it and said it helped her more than she can say!!
Catch xx
UPDATE......Thank you every
UPDATE......
Thank you every one for the ideas I am working on them. I have discovered that trying to take on the same attitude of Fearless(it's all about me) has helped and I have been noticing lately that it isn't all me, not even most of it.
I am so unhappy in this relationship but I stay so I don't hurt my husband or the kids.
In the meantime I feel I am stifled, undermined,belittled, disrespected, etc..etc..etc...
I even found out that not only have the past years of hurt and betrayal of my husband not been resolved yet but he has started getting closer to her and more distance from me but due to a hunch I went through some of his things and discovered a valentines card and easter card from her to him and he has pictures of her in his wallet but none of me and our kids.
I hate this man more and more every day and don't want to be here but don't have the courage or strenght to leave so I feel trapped.
I am working through finding new friends and interests and knowing that there are people who really do give a shit about me and my feelings. I would never have an affair so that is not an issues. Even though he regularly accuses me of doing just that.
I think once I build the strength and courage and the time is right I will end this and move on but for now I will keep trudging along and focusing on the light at the end of the tunnel.
Trinity