I've reached my breaking point
We've had so many problems with BM over the years that it's all melded together. I'm sad to say that I'm acutally used to this and when she does something completely off the wall, like leave a 13 year old kid home alone all night and not answer her cell phone when he tries to call, it really doesn't surprise me.
My current trouble is with SS. I know most of his problems stem from his mom. He is failing school and getting into trouble. However, I've learned that I can't change or fix anything with BM.
Now I am left with no control over my life, my home, and my other children (boys 5 and 3). SS is disrespectful toward me, rude, aggressive with his brothers (he's hurt them!!!), and foul language that makes me cringe. I don't want my children exposed to him anymore. I'm to the point where I don't want him in my home!!
It hurts my husband. I know he loves his son. I STILL love my SS, but I can't deal with this any longer. I have tried to help my SS as I know he has some pretty serious problems, but since I am only SM, I have hit enough brick walls to give up as has my husband.
At what point is it OK for me to take my back my home? I'm afraid my marriage may fall apart by putting my foot down. I'm on the brink of depression. I'm on the brink of leaving.
I feel extremely guilty, but I cannot continue to live like this.
Has anyone else ever gone through this? If so, how did you get through it?
Solidarity
You and DH need to present a solid front to the SS. Set up family rules, post them if necessary along with the consequences for the rule breakers. And then ENFORCE THE RULES. You must get your DH involved immediately. Have you tried any counseling yet? Sounds like you and DH should go and the SS should go. You're marriage and your family are already falling apart so you have nothing to lose by asserting yourself. From your mail you sound kind and compassionate. Give counseling a chanCe giving up. Good luck and let me know how you are doing.
Glynne
Thanks Glynne
I think counseling is what we need. I don't know if I can get DH to go, but will try. If not, I will go by myself.
There is so very much that I didn't and cannot post about SS. He has been in some BIG trouble already. DH tries for awhile to get him what he needs, but BM blocks it every step of the way and DH gives up and tries the extra love and support route instead. I wish that were enough, but it's not. I do love him. I'm scared for him!! I'm scared for my other 2 boys and unfortunately, they are the only ones that I can help. I can protect them, but it will come at a cost to myself, DH, and SS.
I'm between a rock and a hard place....
I've gone through this too
I've gone through this too many times....I end up hating myself and feeling like a failure as a person and a mom when things like this get out of hand.
Then I get 'my feathers ruffled and chest all puffed up' and decide what I will and won't accept for my kids and myself and put my foot down.
Usually when I do this I can get myself, my house, and my kids in order. B/F almost always works with me and feels good about not having to be the authoritive one. The kids need and thrive on the structure, and I feel less helpless and more self confident.
It's all good..at least until next time---lol
Basically what I am saying is to make decisions you feel good about and stick to them no matter how hard it is. You and your family need it. Someone has to take charge and be in control if your husband won't.
Good luck, stay strong!
Lisa Dawn
friends first
One thing I have learnt no child wants discipline from a step parent.
They all crave that their parents were back together. I have listened to my own children many times, saying he's not my dad, why do I have to do what he says. The step parent has a different way of bringing up children, I am no exception, my step children behave really badly as I see it, and my children behave really badly as my husband sees it.
I have learnt that to be their friend with no discipline works really well.
I make cookies and invite them to help, I do craft and invite them to help, I fish and invite them to come etc etc.
Eventually you will find something that they like doing if you put the effort in, but if their not interested do not push the issue walk away.
As for swearing and teaching your children bad habits simply say as a friend that the behaviour is not acceptable, and always point out their good qualities as all children have them.
Your husband is probably terribly torn between you and his son, no one should be forced to choose.
To gain control you have to be in control and be happy.
I have been through the tears and frustration and been ready to leave and give up as well. Then it dawned on me that when our friends come over they all bring their children and how I get along with them, if they were jumping on my lounge etc I would not go off my nut nor want their parents to come in and settle it for me, I would just simply say that I love that lounge and we dont do that because it might get ruined and then we would have nowhere to sit, but if your willing to ask your parents to give me their lounge and they say yes, then if they say you can jump on my lounge then we have a deal. Sometimes kids just need a friend not someone else dishing out discipline to them. Build a foundation first then work on respect and trust. I think you may be surprised.
Good luck
IF I WAS IN YOUR SHOES AND
IF I WAS IN YOUR SHOES AND MY HUSBAND CAN'T DO NOTHING TO CHANGE CHILD'S BEHAVIOR, I WOULD LEAVE. I DON'T THINK I CAN STAND THAT IF I TRIED EVERYTHING I CAN. IT'S NOT HEALTHY FOR YOUR OWN CHILDREN TO HAVE TO SEE THIS. HAVE YOU TRIED TAKING SS TO SOME KIND OF CHILD RETREAT, LIKE THAT BOOT CAMP FOR NAUGHTY KIDS? I WOULD THINK THAT WOULD BE THE LAST RESORT IF HE DOES NOT OBEY THE RULES. I WOULDN'T FEEL BAD SENDING MY CHILD THERE IF THAT WAS THE ONLY WAY TO CHANGE HIM/HER. BE STRONG FOR YOU AND YOUR KIDS THEY NEED YOU. IF YOU NEED TO GET AWAY FROM THE HOUSE TO RETHINK OR TAKE A BREAK DO SO BEFORE YOU FALL APART. THAT WILL GIVE YOU A BREAK AND THINK OF OTHER WAYS TO BETTER THIS CHILD. TRY THE BOOT CAMP. KEEP US POSTED.
-happy mom
I wish I could
I wish I could send him to Boot Camp. DH would probably even agree to that. BM would never agree to it and unfortunately she would be a road block.
The kid needs help. He needs counseling. He needs a tutor. He needs an attitude adjustment. He'll never get any of those things. Without them, he'll continue down a bad path.
I will be no help but maybe a comfort....
My SS also behaves badly and swearing in front of BS1 or hurting him would be the last straw. Sometimes I say to DH that BM is never going to make this easy, does he ever wonder if it is worth all the effort we put in only to have it spoilt when BM gets in his head?
He is a constant turmoil in our lives and it gets the better of me and DH alot of the time, then DH says to me, if BS13 was a huge problem for us would we just send him to god knows where and let someone else deal with him? I guess that makes me stop and think, SS is not someone elses problem he is 'ours' and we can't just cut him from our lives to stop us going through his crap.
So what I am really saying is, that I wouldn't put up with that and your reasoning is totally legitimate and understood 100% by me, but then reality steps in and bites us on the ass and gives me the scenario of it being my Bio Son and I have to stop and re-think it, even though I am so angry I don't want to. I know I have given you zero helpful advice but take comfort in knowing that someone else knows EXACTLY how you feel!! How do you get through it? Make rules and don't back down, if he uses bad language or hurts your children, punish him and if that doesn't stick, send him back to his mum with the explanation of why you sent him home. Protecting your children is your first priority, as it is mine.
Catch xx
I agree... BUT
I agree with everything you've said. These are the things I think of too. The probleme is that I can't do anything about his behavior. SS was ordered by social services to be in counseling. He went 3 times (which satisfied the requirement) and BM refused to take him again. She doesn't want him to have that *stigma*. Because of working hours, DH can't take him. He's failing school. He's been suspended 4 times this year...... DH set up a plan with the school to get SS caught up which included testing for learning disabilities and BM nixed the whole thing. Again, she didn't want SS to have the *stigma*.
We have rules set up. One rule is that he is never to be left alone with his brothers. Last week, while I was on an overnight business trip, DH picked up SS (without my knowledge) to go skating with his brothers. DH was only not with them for 2 minutes, but in that 2 minutes, my 5 year old had a tooth knocked out from SS tripping him on the ice.
I don't trust DH any longer to protect my kids. I feel like a momma bear whose cubs are threatened.... and I know DH feels that way too, but about his son. DH thinks he is just a 13 yo who is having some trouble - most of it caused by BM (her drinking, men, etc.) - add in a 13 yo's hormones, and we have a monster. I've been with DH and SS since SS was 3. I love the kid, BUT I love my other 2 kids and it IS my job to care for and protect them.
I'm calling our insurance company for a referral to a marriage counselor today. Any other advice? I feel like I'm forced to choose between my marriage and protecting my kids.
**If I were to leave DH, I KNOW I could get a court order that allowed DH visitation only when SS was not there. There is a documented case of SS hurting my son.
If DH won't stand with you then....
He leaves you little choice. I agree with what you are doing and if DH will do the counselor thing I am sure they will strongly point out to him what you are upset about. Sometimes hearing a 3rd party say exactly what you are trying to say, speaks volumes. Good luck and keep us informed.
Catch xx