Hi Ellen,

I think that a child's relationship with a step dad is different to a step daughter's relationship with her SM. I see where you're coming from but I can see why the SD wants her mom around when she's giving birth and her loyalties to her mum are important. If I was having a baby, I'd want my mom around too. I know it hurts, but this is second nature with skids - they will choose the biological parent nearly every time.

Maybe her mom has asked that you not be there as she feels uncomfortable with you around?....

I think you will get more mileage by letting this one go. If your husband wants to see his granchild - let him go. I would bite my lip. However, i'd let him know that if the daughter is indifferent to you, then she will be indifferent to the fact that you choose not to use joint funds to help her out. After all, she has a BM I would also avoid talking about the new baby or showing any interest if SD is shutting you out. He will get the message that if SD wants to isolate you, you choose not to feign interest in her.

HI Ellen,
At first I didn't agree with Realist...I thought your husband should just remain "completely" loyal to you UNTIL she mentioned...don't use your funds for this baby and don't allow him to share his joy with you & show you pictures. You ARE being excluded so detaching is probably the best way to go...but you can't do it with resentment. Do it with love for yourself. It will hurt to see photos of a baby you can't hold! Your whole situation is BS..It's the kids controlling daddy again. I think if he wants to make his bed, then he has to lie in it. I thought when the grandkids come along there may finally be a feeling like this child is "our" grandchild, not his kid or my kids...I guess that's still not the case. It's sad.

But, what else you mentioned is that the dynamics between your kids to him and his to you are different. I'm in the same boat. It's so obvious and is just not fair. Why is that? Are we as mothers teaching our kids how to treat their stepdads, differently than how our husbands are teaching their kids to treat us?

Good luck my friend.

I read your profile and you said you've only been married 6mo. I agree with the ladies above to a degree. I don't know if I would not want to see the pics of the baby and allow your hubby to share his joy of a grandchild. She probably hasn't had time to get to know you. She is pregnant (hormones are a mess), having a baby is scary and she just wants her mom and dad there which are the two people she has loved and felt comfortable with her whole life. I wouldn't take it so personal and just give her time to get to know you.

Whatever the new mother/bride wants, she gets. I mean, think about it. You're strapped down to a board for sixteen hours, screaming bloody murder while your insides are being ripped out as you pass something the size of a watermelon through a passage the size of a walnut. And then, after it's all over, the epidural finally kicks in. Every birthing experience is a little different, maybe mine isn't the "norm," but I can tell you that I wouldn't have wanted my stepmother there! (As an aside, I did have my stepfather there... he was my labor coach. He held my hand and told me when the contractions are coming, was very supportive and I couldn't have done it without him. I named my son after him.)

I tend to think that in those situations, births and weddings, the mother/bride gets to be the star of the show and whatever she wants, she's entitled to receive it on that special day. So if she doesn't want you at the hospital, well, then that's her call. I understand how much it hurts to be excluded, believe me, I've been there, too, but there are other ways you can show your support to HIM, even if SHE won't welcome your supporting HER right now. Who knows, maybe later on down the road she will come around and include you more.

He's her dad... if she wants him there, then he should be there. He should go. This is his child delivering his grandchild! You should go, too. Not to the hospital when she's actually delivering, but you can still go with him and maybe do some baby shopping or otherwise entertain yourself while he is with her. Support him in being there for his daughter and new grandchild, because whether she appreciates it or not, he certainly will. I think it's so great that he doesn't want you to be excluded and yes, as his wife, you ARE a part of the family. And on any other day for any other event, I'd say you have the total RIGHT to be there, but births and weddings are a little different, in my opinion.

~ Anne ~

I don't even LIKE my SM that much, but I accept her as my dad's wife. I would never say, "Dad, I want you there but leave the wife at home." Granted, I've had a lot longer to get used to the idea (18 years as opposed to 6 months) so maybe given a little time, your SD will grow to accept you as part of the family.

I agree with Anne (as usual, she always has great advice). Go with him to support him being there for his daughter and grandchild, but maybe stay clear of the hospital when she's delivering. BM and SD just need to get used to the fact that you're your husband's wife and you're here to stay!

Let me just say how glad I am that I never felt like I had to ask my dad to exclude my SM to spare my mother's feelings. If she ever felt at all insecure about my SM, she NEVER showed it. She always said that she was happy that our dad found a new mate. I'm just so glad that everyone just accepted everyone else, because from what I can tell, this is RARE!

Ellen - I agree with Anne, let DH go, and find something else to do while the birth is going on..(DH should not be telling his daughter that if you aren't included he is not going either, that is an ultimatum and just not right when you are talking about the birth of a baby) I think your DH should talk to SD and let her know that you aren't asking to be in the delivery room with her.. but you would like to visit her and the new baby with DH after the baby is born. It could even be the following day. If SD is ok with this, make the visit short. You could even arrange it so BM is out to lunch when you stop in...

And although I understand the position that relationships with Steps are different at the same time... WHY is it ok for the STEPS whether it be mom, dad kids whatever why is it ok to exclude them from things such as child birth of a grandchild. I have got to tell you that its very upsetting. Its not ok to exclude you Ellen you are his wife and a very important part of his life, her life and the child and the mother of the child need to get over there feelings of anger and jealousy and whatever else.
I look at things differently I guess. I look at this way. You and her father are married you made a commitment to him and his children in a sense so excluding you only makes you feel "excluded". We are all on here complaining about things when in all acutality all I want is to be a part of it. I am not around for convenience I am here for the duration of it all. SO I want to be included in all that I can. How can his daughter want money from "your" bank account and then not want you..
Its not right.. although your husband is going to buy things to help you make sure that he keeps it that you will be there too. That is the right thing.. Not you stay home while he goes..

I have a daughter and my ex has a GF and if they are still together when my daughter has a child in 20 years or so I want her there. I want to make her feel like she is a part of it. She is essence is helping raise my kids when they are at there fathers so why should I have the right to exclude her. I don't and I would be upset if my daughter tried.. When you don't have feelings for the ex at all you can look at things more rationally and that is how I am thinking this way. I have NO feelings what so ever for my ex, he is the father of my children and that is it.
So in saying that all the ex's who have problems with SM/SD whatever its all about feelings they still may have. Which causes this..

Just my HUGE opinion..
Happy

I don't think this is a good reason for divorce. Your just as emotional as the SD. I still think you just haven't been in the picture long enough and your pregnant too, which really must make the SD feel weird about things. I understand you feel hurt but you need your hubby right now and this isn't a reason to push him away. Give the SD time she'll come around and he'll appreciate you for not stomping your feet and holding your nose just to prove you too can throw a fit.

Just wondering how will SD feel if you were to ask her the same thing...not be present when her half sibling is being born. Sounds pretty immature and selfish to me.

You need to think about yourself and your unborn child. I'd send hubby on his way and go have a day at the spa. Do something just for you

Good Luck!!!!

The above comment was for Ellen

I'm Canadian and I can assure you I have never eaten any of my children or anyone elses for that matter. Give her time six months is such a short time. You may see her attitude change after alittle while longer. She may just need to get to know you or find something you have in common.