We have the BM email our joint home email account simply because we have DSL and it's almost always on. If there's something that needs to be addressed ASAP, I can forward it to him at work or take care of it myself. If it's something routine that I can handle - she needs insurance info, asking for the kids' Christmas wish lists, etc. - then I usually take care of it. If it's something volatile, then he'll handle it. But for purposes of expediency, whomever can respond the quickest usually does, and sometimes that is me, the SM.

For the routine business-type stuff, there's never been a problem with me contacting her via email and vice versa. I'm polite and so is she, we exchange info and that's that. There have been times when some pretty hateful emails were sent to us during bitter arguments over visitation, but those tended to be between her and my husband. I usually didn't respond unless she actually addressed it to him AND me or if she made some kind of allegation against me that I felt I needed to rebut in my own defense. That doesn't happen too much anymore.

Now, my husband has often had to make visitation arrangements with her husband, the SF. That worked out fine, too, because they got along well enough and there was no hostility between them. So if it's a visitation thing, then usually dad will work that through stepdad and if it's some other routine matter, then stepmom will work that with mom. Sometimes there's just too much hostility for the two exes to be able to have a rational discussion.

Also, some people are just better at some things than others. My husband isn't good about keeping up with the paperwork side of things, but I am, so I generally deal with her on insurance stuff, etc. I think it's made her life a little easier, because I'm on top of it and she's knows that I'll get stuff done quickly.

~ Anne ~

Almost forgot! I don't know if it was anyone's idea, it just worked out that way for us. When we got married, moved in together and set up our computer with internet, he sent her the new email address. Each time we've had to move or switch providers, we send her the new address. I think it works for us because I'm a stay-at-home mom and he's usually too busy at work to deal with her, so it's just easier to have it come to the house where I can respond, if needed, or he can respond at his leisure.

and it didn't start out this way. Originally, bm was nervous about me dating dh...and she played it off like she didn't care, when deep down inside she must have felt hurt b/c she made a recent attempt in getting back together with him and it didn't work. So for a few years, all communication was between them, and it really didn't work out. We never knew when we were getting ss, it was hard to make family plans with him, when we wanted to put him in sports she would move....and do so with 3 days notice...so there was very little discussion between them.

We just recently decided, after 9 years, that bm and I will do the talking. What sparked this was, bm just got tired of trying to get answers out of dh, and she vocalized to me that she was more comfortable talking to me than him. I can totally understand her frustration b/c my dh isn't a communicator and sometimes looks to me for support on making decisions, so over the phone he sounded like he either didn't care about what was going on, or like he needed to answer to me before he could make a decision which took more time. And sometimes it seemed ridiculous from her view of things.

On the same note, my dh really can't communicate his his ex. She did some unmendable things to him, and not that he isn't "over it" he hasn't forgotten how she is as a person. So when she talks, just hearing her voice sends an iron curtain over his ears, and he honestly can't concentrate on what she is saying, he is just wishing the converstation would end immediately. Also, my dh is stuck between a rock and a hard spot with fulfilling his moral obligations to raising his son and working with bm to raise him, and to also keep the wife happy. I don't mean to sound like I rule the roost, but there are times when bm doesn't think about how she impacts our house, and if she could, she would make our front door a revolving door for her to send her ill mannered child thru when she can't handle him, and then take him back when she is single...I like consistency, and not feeling used, and so before dh likes to make decisions, he likes to know how I feel about it first.

Another reason why dh can't talk to bm, is b/c she has a history of being volatile when she is challenged as a parent. Whenever we talk to her about making changes, we have to sugar coat everything, and take responsibility for things we didn't do ourselves just so she doesn't get defensive. If you criticize one little thing about her, she has in the past got explosive over it. Unfortunately, she is an insecure person, and my dh doesn't know how to communicate with a person like this. It's hard for anyone to communicate with someone like that, but it's every harder for a non-communicator to communicate with someone difficult.

The most important part about communicating I think is being mature enough to think about what is best for the child, and to work on not pointing fingers at who is doing the wrong. It's a real challenge sometimes when things are so obvious, so this route may not be the best route for everyone. Also, I've been told by our therapist that the communication over a child between bm/sm or bd/sd is actually dangerous territory, and to be very careful about doing so. He actualy advised me not to do this b/c this could spark some real heated battles. So if this is something you want, just know there could be some ramifications to this type of communication.

I communicate with the BIO mom on the phone after I have had it with her. It usually starts with me attacking BF and then he just tells me to let her have it.

Julie (31)
Bio-Children - Son under 1 with BF, Son age 11 from previous relationship.

BF - Son under 1 our's together, Daughter age 20 from prior marriage, son age 14 & daughter age 10 from previous relationship.