Distant college SD

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I fall in the fairytale burst category. It was all good until the EW applied alienation brain washing around age 11 (i.e. make sure kids stay with her so $$ doesn't stop). Now my SD only wants $$ and things from us but doesn't want to share her life with us. The only calls DH gets is for something or bad news.

We are there to infinate degree. All we ever get is rejection. We've never put her in the middle, we've never talked badly about her mother even though there is plenty to say, we've never NOT been there in every way possible.

She's off to college which we are the only ones contributing to. Calls are never returned. She came home once and never bothered to see us.

Present problem is that we just got an email (NOT a call) stating she's not coming home for Thanksgiving. She's only 2-3 hours away.

I have two issues with this. I'm sooo sick of rejection from her. We've never done anything to deserve this treatment. She treats us like deadbeats. I can't make her want me in her life. I can only control me. I'm availalbe to her if she ever decides she wants a relationship, but I'm done pushing myself on her. I've known her since she was 5 and have been nothing but giving to her. My instincts tell me that there's nothing but pain ahead for me in this relationship.

How can I protect my own feelings, keep the door open to her but not "waste" anymore time? I feel like it is one of those childish manipulative games where we've just pushed her further away by trying to be a part of her life. I feel like if I withdrew, she'd want more. I'm just so exhausted by giving and NEVER receiving anything but hurt in return. I feel like there should be repurcussions for that.

My second and more worrisome problem is that of our younger bio daughter together. She adores her sister, talks about her, tries to call, misses her, has such disappointment when her sister fails to show when she said she would, etc. How do I protect her????

In my fairytale world I set our family life up with hope. I don't like the term "half-sis/bro" because it lessons what I hoped would be a close relationship. My daughter knows the technical relationship, but she doesn't want to apply that lesser term or think in terms of "half". She loves them wholely. (I have a SS too, but he's less concerning at the moment).

How do I protect my bd from hurt and disappointment that has happened and is surely to happen again from her sister???

At present I don't see the sisterly relationship I'd hope for and what my husband and I have done our part toward. My SD is rejecting us all and I'm afraid my BD will eventually suffer the most.

Do I lesson her expectations of her sister and their relationship? If so, how? I don't like alienation, but I don't like what my SD is doing to my BD by rejecting her either.

I so feel your pain

my ss has been brainwashed his entire life! And not just by bm, but by grandma, nana, and both aunts, about how he shouldn't appreciate his dad, and God forbid, me. Even though I was the one reading him to sleep while his bm was spending her life in a bar, rather than raising her own son...

All the things you complained about sd, are exactly the same complaints I have with my 11 year old ss. And I do believe the second he turns 18, we truly won't hear from him unless he needs $$.

Anyhow, these are the things I suggest and have incorporated:

1. You do not have to financially support college, or anything beyond hs. If your dh can't get simple phone calls over nothing, or phone calls returned, then maybe it's time sd is truly on her own. Maybe dh should have a talk with her, and let her know that if she can't appreciate him by returning phone calls, or visiting when home, then maybe she can pay for her own college bill plus living expenses. Basically, she needs to understand relationships are two way streets.

2. Don't go out of your way for her period. Be an open door for emergencies only, but for birthdays, only send a card, no gifts, or minimal gifts. If she can't reciporcate a relationship, I think she is undeserving of gifts. Sometimes it's hard to not buy a gift for a child, but certainly don't spend a lot.

3. Get over your fantasy of having the perfect family. Your sd has been manipulated, and she will continously reject you, until there isn't a payoff for it. Right now, nothing is wrong in her eyes, her bills are paid, and no argument, and maybe you guys should stir things up.

4. Talk openly with your daughter, and let her know the truth about the sister that she loves. She is self absorbed, and the rejection she dishes out to everyone isn't about how they perform and function as people, but rather the level of selfishness and insecurities she has herself. Let your bd know that she is loved, and hopefully one day, maybe her sister will grow up and become a loving family member. But until then, the reality is, is that she is a selfish person, and bd didn't do anything to deserve this.

My ss would rather write us off every day of the year, except for his birthday and his Christmas. He does call his dad on his dad's birthday, if by chance he does call on another day, it is strictly b/c he wants dad to buy him something, or provide him with a favor.

Last year, my son turned 1, and ss refused to show up for his birthday party. I was pist, mostly at bm, but this year, ss is totally embarassed of his moms house, and thought no big deal, I want and will have a bday party at my dad's house with my friends. Nope, not gonna happen. We did have a birthday celebration, I personally baked a cake b/c ss asked me to, we went to a pizza parlor (we also explained to ss why he couldn't have a sleep over at our house), and afterwards, he and his friends went to bm's house for a sleep over.

For his gifts, we don't always buy the #1 thing on his list, we buy what we think he deserves, and usually he is disappointed. We don't take him on vacations, when he wants to go to the mall, we don't take him, we really truly do not go out of our way for him b/c he NEVER appreciates ANYTHING we do for him.

I have found the less I do, the more he comes around to us, and the less frustrated I feel. Keep in mind, this is not an overnight process. It takes awhile for these kids to realize what they are doing, if they realize it at all. It might even be a longer process if others are still brainwashing her.

To not feel so rejected, you will actually have to numb your heart a little, but you do that by not wasting your time with her anymore, and discontinue expecting this child to come around (I think that is why we get disappointed is b/c we are always waiting for their acceptance). As far as protecting your bd, that one is a hard one, you just need to remind her you love her, and her sister is just too selfish right now.

Hmmm...interesting perspective.

It seems that you recommend conditional love for children. There is nothing that messes with a child's head more than love with conditions. The parents and step parents are the adults and they should lead by example...not if you don't do this, I will give you nothing. If you don't behave, I won't help you. IF, if, if.... Perhaps if the adults in the lives of sks hadn't made the decisions they did which are usually to meet their own needs first, the kids wouldn't be messed up in the first place.

Conditional is subjective...

I realize that you're responding to the advice of Candice but I wanted to address the "selfish" part of your reply.

I'd hope that on here we'd assume that stepparents are active, involved, make sacrifices and are selfless. If someone cares enough about their family to come here, I first will assume they are a good and sacrificing stepparent like most of us.

In summarizing my situation, I can't go over all my sacrifices and explain all the ways in which I am selfless. I am a giving and devoted stepparent who has only had her skids in mind. There are so many pitfalls my husband and I have avoided for the sake of the kids.

My husbands ex is a MASTER manipulator of everyone she is around and that most especially includes her children. She has alienated especially my SD from us since 11. My SD can't ever say why she feels the way she does about DH or me. She can't say anything we've ever done to deserve her treatment or opinions of us. My SD is a prime example of an aliented child of divorce. Her mother has done an excellent job of it.

So, DH and I have given 110% and we get 3% from SD. She treats us how I'd expect deadbeat, child support skipping, disinterested, absent, abusive, manipulative parents to be treated.

I WISH there was one thing I could point that I've done to deserve this treatment. Then, I could accept her treatment with guilt instead of pain and disallusionment.

This is another summary of why I feel like treating her "conditionally". I'll never stop loving her or being available for her, but I can't continue to give 110% for so little in return.

(P.S. I'm not intending this as arguing. I think this is a good discussion. I can't decide if pulling back is right or not and appreciate everyone's input even if we aren't in agreement).

I truly hear your points...

I do hear all of your points but I think that we have to be honest with ourselves, not that this means that we have to compensate for anything that has happened. However, we as the custodial parents (stepmoms and dads) are not perfect and we have made mistakes...every one of us that have impacted our kids and stepkids. That is the being honest with ourselves part. Sure the other party has a role to play as well. What I am saying is that the actions of every adult in that child's life plays a role...what role...who knows. Loving someone is about giving 10% and not keeping tabs on the return. Love is a dicision. Personally, I know that I haven't done well with this but I am very willing to admit this and to admit that I don't always have the answers. However, sometimes the discussion seems as though it is one big web of manipulation and game playing instead of being honest and open about things. Actions are done to illicit a reaction, often from the ex. I don't know it just seems like so much time to waste on thinking about the ex every day.

I truly hear your points...

You might see it as conditional love

I see it as setting boundaries. I personally can not accept being a door mat for anyone period. My dh and I, are always an open door for emergencies, or severe change of plans, we are the only ones to make and take ss to dental and doctors appointments, we routinely offer him a plate to eat at every holiday-we do the things that we should, we are not withholding "help", we are setting boundaries to the luxury items. We don't mistreat my ss, but we certainly will not contribute to the continuous spoiling of him. Furthermore, his negative attitude is so bad, and he is horribly ungrateful for the nice things that we do for him, that continuously giving to him luxury items simply will reinforce that negative attitude.

On the flip note, on the rare instances where my ss actually says or does something nice, we always thank him for it, and pay him a positive comment. I even baked him a cake for his bday, but I didn't go out and buy the #1 item on his list b/c he recently lied and skipped school.

While his mom is habitually unstable, and allows a 13 year old to delegate her life, and make adult based decisions for himself, we still have the same boundaries that we always have and we still do our best to provide for a child who is 100% resentful and bitter towards us for the deficiencies him bm demonstrates and blames us for. When he only calls b/c he wants $$, we don't reinforce that using mentality, b/c it is inappropriate. When he wants to go to the mall, and he won't contribute to our house by performing his chores without an argument and questioning adults, we don't contribute to that by taking him to the mall.

If ss behaves himself then he is rewarded. Regardless if he is well behaved, or ill mannered, he will have boundaries at our house and in life.

Appreciate input, ask for more from others also

I know myself really well and a martar I am not. There are certain things I'd die for, but bending over and getting kicked in the tush time and again with no positive reinforcement ain't one of them. I'd rather be called selfish than a door mat any day. Obviously, it is difficult to summarize 14+ years of my family, so someone thinking my desire to pull back constitutes conditional love isn't a surprise.

I'd never give up want or hope for better relations, but I just can't keep putting myself out there to the extent that I do only to be constantly rejected. I'm not disowning her or completely cutting her out. I'm accepting that she doesn't want me in her life very much at all and responding accordingly. Our relationship can only be as much as the person who wants the least. Ignoring that and involving myself in her life hasn't worked, so I'd hope that giving her what she "thinks" she wants might have better results. I love my steps completely unconditionally as I do my BD. SD & SS know that and I've given them no reason to doubt it. I just don't think that unconditional love includes giving 100% to a one-way relationship.

I think that every good parent should have expectations for a reciprocal relationship with their children and repurcussions if the child chooses otherwise. As Dr. Phil says (and I don't always like what he says), "we teach people how to treat us". If there are no repurcussions for her cutting us out of her life, then I question whether she'll ever value us.

I am not sure that this is conditional...

I don't think that what you are describing is conditional. Your sd has chosen to limit her relationship for whatever reason. Reasons that you may never know. A relationship takes two people to make it work, you are right about that. I just don't think that we are as objective as we think when it comes to sks. As someone said recently, there is no such things as objectivity, only varying degrees of objectivity.

I see the repercussions of messed up adult relationships on kids in hospital (suicide attempts, illnes, etc.) and in the schools in my work and that is heart breaking and definitely impacts my comments.

Updated perspective...

Overnight I determined what upset me the most about SD email.

She was insistant, too immature to call, wasn't truthful about her real reasoning (boy of course), but the worst part was that she tried to tell my husband how he is was supposed to think of her for this decision. None of us are supposed to think that she's wrong. Who's trying to be controlling now?

She doesn't want the repurcussions of a bad decision that is hurtful to many family members.

She can make her bad decisions and own them in her immature emailing way, but she darn well can't tell us how we are going to think of her for them!!! She needs to learn real quickly that when you own your decisions, you own the fall out.

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