If he had waited until AFTER your marriage to dump the info on you that he has a baby, then I'd say you have grounds for an annulment and that your feelings are totally justified. But he did tell you BEFORE you married him that he has this baby and you made the choice to marry him, anyway, knowing he was a father. Stepmotherhood, for the vast majority of is, is not fun or easy. Many of us stepmothers feel overwhelmed, unappreciated, second priority and yes, even pissed off that our lives are often dictated by our husbands' exes and/or our stepchildren. On the other hand, it can be a very rewarding experience that can totally enrich your life. It just depends what you make of it.

It's too late for you to decide that you don't want a stepchild. You already have one and you knew you were getting one when you married your husband. You can't marry a man with a child or children and then choose not to be a stepmother. It just doesn't work that way. Trust me, stepchildren do not just go away, unless he waives his parental rights and the child is no longer legally his to visit and support. Are you contemplating asking him to not be a father to his child? Is he even certain that he IS the father of this child? Has a paternity test been done? It seems to me that you only have two choices: (1) You can honor your commitment to your husband and try to be a stepmother to his child or (2) You can divorce him.

If you do choose to stay with your husband and be a stepmother to his child, this is a fantastic place to go for advice and for support. This is a great group of people.
~ Anne ~

Ladybug, I am sure this situation is awful. I have my own to contend with but you knew what you were getting into before you married this man. At this point you need to stop thinking about yourslef and playing the victim. I don't mean to sound harsh but there is a child involved now. What all three of you do today will impact that child for the rest of his/hers life. Step up to the plate.

Your husband does love this child and you can't insist that he doesn't. I agree do a paternity test and if he/she is his then love this child to death. Don't blame the child. You will now have the ex in your life for the rest of your life so try to accept that. It isn't easy in fact it is hard.

Anne is right being a step parent can be so rewarding. Just love that little baby and you will nourish a relationship that can't be broken not even by his/hers Biomom. If you choose to not allow your husband to love this baby then you will damage his soul and your marriage and a child's life. Truthfully, I couldn't love a man who didn't participate in his child's life. Don't stick your head in the sand start taking an active role. You will see eventually all the rewards.

Good Luck.

I guess is my question. Yes you love him but you could have found another person. Trust me when one door clothes another opens.
At 30 you cannot honestly tell me that you thought by marrying him that the baby he had would just disappear, did you?
If you do not want to be a step mom or parent period then get a divorce.. I am sorry your situation is awful but as these ladies said above you married him knowing he had a child. How long to did you date before he told you? Before you guys got married? You carry a baby for 9 months (10) realistically they say and then she was 6 months when he told you.. So you dated and married all within how many months? Again sorry for your troubles but you still married him. Its either divorce him or take on the roll of a step mom.. Did they do paternity test to make sure this was his baby?
Good luck in your decision..
Happy

I really feel for you. Your feelings are honest and won't go away, and I believe its just going to get worse as problems arise and you have a lot to be resentful over. What your husband did is unbelieveable, but at this point he can't expect you to accept this situation after what he pulled. I also believe at this point you must be honest, and just tell him how you feel and if you cannot handle this child being there all summer, xmas's then you guys need to decide what your going to do. It won't work if one is miserable, and he needs to decide what his prioritys are in life. BOTH of you need to decide before you have your own children, and before it gets worse, so sit down and make a decision together and that will have to be the one both of will accept whether you stay together, or go your own way. As for his X girlfriend, sounds like she tried to hang on to him and also pulled a fast one. Just be prepared that you may end up getting out of this marriage, but you have a good career so be strong and good luck!

just before you guys got married? Did you agree to be a stepmother and accept this child as his? I would be interested in knowing how or if you guys decided how you would handle all this. Don't get me wrong you can still change your mind. Sometimes we think we can handle more then we can and not always the case.

What about giving up his rights as a parent? Has this been discussed or is that a possibility? Has paternity even been established since this woman obviously has no scrupples? Maybe the child isn't even his, this happens a lot. If dna hasn't been done get an attorney to take care of that first, then go from there.

The man who lied to you? The man who doesn't act as a father to his child?

Is this the man you want to be married to, to be the father to your child, to share the rest of your life's journey with?

who deceives you. I think you should take personal accountability for deciding to marry this person even though he told you about the baby prior to getting married. However, you can not fix his mess. I think that you should reconsider your marriage to this person, and get out before you burn more daylight with this person. You need to forgive yourself for making such a huge mistake for ignoring this persons past and being so infatuated with the "idea" of being married, and get out now.

You will cheat yourself, the baby presently involved, and any future children you decide to have if you continue a relationship with someone that has a messy past that you can not forgive, or reconcile.

The fact is, the ex WILL be in his life due to the baby, and you can not really change that. No matter how you feel about her setting up your man to be a father, the fact remains is they have a baby together, and he does arguably have a moral obligation to be financially and emotionally supportive to the baby. To ask him to do anything differently is being selfish.

I'm not a huge fan of women who decide to get pg to trap men, however, I would never ask someone to write off an innocent child either. Yes, there are unfair laws, however, this innocent child didn't ask to be punished by selfish adults.

My dh was trapped by an ex gf (long before I came into the picture), and I know what it feels like to watch a selfish, childish, insecure woman punish my dh and use his son to punish him. I accepted that turbulant roller coaster b/c I love my dh, and one day his son will be an adult. Now, my dh and I have his son 50% of the time, and we together have a child. I can not verbally describe what a joy it is to watch our children play with their dad, bond with him, laugh with him, watch movies with him...it personally for me is such a joy to watch my 2 year old run to his father to be picked up and held. I hope for the sake of this baby, you let go of your idea of a perfect marriage/life with this person, move on, and encourage him to be a responsible father to his children.

Best wishes to you,
Candice

Okay, this gives us all a better understanding of your situation and where you are coming from. What you are describing is something I lived through, too, although maybe not as extreme as you've had it. It's all about setting boundaries and once you do that and stick to it, she'll have no choice but to butt out.

Giving her the cell phone number to call is a good start, because he can choose to take or ignore her calls as he sees fit. Set it up so that when she calls, it doesn't ring, but vibrates or beeps or something. That way, he can deal with her when it's convenient for him to do so and not be at her beck and call. And never again give her your home phone number or a work phone number for either of you.

Next, you set up your email account to forward anything from her to a dummy account, like Yahoo or HotMail, that he can check once a week or every couple of days, whenever he wants.

Third, let her know that whomever the custodial parent is, that parent is responsible for filing insurance claims. You can find doctors who will bill Tricare and if she lives nears a military treatment facility (naval hospital, etc.) then she can take the kid there for totally free care, free prescriptions, free shots, whatever. She would get Tricare through her own military service, as well as his, and as long as the child is registered with DEERS, which should have happened upon the child's birth, there should be no trading of insurance information required.

Fourth, do not under any circumstance let yourself get sucked into doing the stuff that's really your husband's or the child's mother's responsibility to do. You did not have a baby with this woman, he did. If you want to do things to help, that's great. But if you don't, then don't. You are not responsible for handling her Tricare issues or any other issues she may have. If you need to, tell her point blank that she's going to have to deal with him from now on, you're out of it.

Last thing, I don't know what kind of legal situation you are in, as far as whether or not they share legal and/or residential custody or what the child support situation is, but the bottom line on waiving his parental rights is that men don't really have that option, unless the mother agrees to give up all support, insurance, etc. (Most of them won't do that, for obvious reasons.) Unless she wants to assume 100% financial responsibility for this child, he won't be able to have his rights terminated. If you don't already have a set visitation schedule and child support order filed with your court system, I'd get a lawyer and get that set up ASAP. You can provide in the court documents provisions for making contact with you/him with a no interference clause, which is just a clause that says you won't interfere with one another and all contact is necessary. He can get free help with some of this through base legal, although they wouldn't be able to actually represent him in court.

I think you have some options for setting some rules, if your husband will agree to it and do the legwork to make it happen. She won't like it, but you do have to find ways to "tune out" to survive sometimes. If you take steps like these to put some distance between you guys and the child's mother, then it might be a little easier to deal with the whole step situation.

~ Anne ~