Yes you are correct, court system is unfair. Like in our case, both parents have joint custody and we are only allowed to see the child 8x a month and that's it. What does joint custody mean if we can't share the child equally? Child has expressed his unhappiness with the visitation schedule. How do we bond w/this child, there is barely time.

There is joint legal custody and joint physical custody. In the beginning my husband had nothing "joint" at all. He was walking a tight rope to not make biomom mad so he could see his son. They had no court order or parenting plan at this time. Biomom was mooching off of her mother and moving one boyfriend after another into her mother's house. Then her mother got tired of it and left! Biomom now wanted MORE money from my husband. He told her that she could have more but they were going to come up with an agreement and sign it. So my husband got joint physical and legal due to biomom's greed. She still had residential custody though.
Now the tables are turned and have been for four years. Biomom still has joint legal but we have stepson here more than she does. So she really doesn't have joint physical anymore. We have the residential custody now.
So you can have a joint custody and maybe it is just legal and not physical.

Just a thought.

Dawn

I do see the purpose/need for child support…A woman cannot make a baby on her own and shouldn’t be expected to take care of one alone either...even if he contributes less than she does (i.e. if he makes less) a father should still contribute towards the support of his children. If my husband didn’t financially support his children, I would have no respect for him and I would not be able to be with him…HOWEVER the same is true for mental, physical, emotional, spiritual support…ALL ARE EQUALLY AS IMPORTANT AS FINANCIAL SUPPORT and that is what ticks me off about these courts…my husband doesn’t just want to send a check…he wants to be a father in every sense of the word but the court doest value emotional/spiritual support…if SHE denies him the opportunity to emotionally support his kids they do NOTHING…but if he doesn’t support them financially THEY WILL PUT HIM IN JAIL…now that is the BS!!!

I completely understand the need for child support and my husband has no problem paying it each month. Our beef is that everytime my husband does not bow to the demands of the mother she screams bloody murder and tells him she is going to take him to court for more money. He only sees his daughter 4 days a month and the way I see it, if she gets the child for 26 days a month than she should be prepared to carry the majority of the financial burden. My husband carries the burden of missing his daughter for 26 days a month and would gleefully exchange burdens with her. Yes, we have more disposal income but if he had primary custody then she would be the one with more disposal income. Wether the child lived with her or not she would still have to pay her mortgage and utilities. It is not fair to expect to have the child a majority of the time and still live high on the hog. Neither of my husbands ex-wives live in poverty. They both are remarried and own their own homes. Both own two vehicles and have the money to get their nails done. But, neither one works. My husband and I both work and live within our means. If we want to buy something for ourselves we should not be punished for working hard to get it.
As for the courts, I have a very strong opinion about that. I have noticed that the judges have to rule in favor of what is best for the child. The custodial parents get away with a lot more than they should because the courts do not want to punish them in a manner that might hurt the children. In my state it is against the law to withhold visitation. A ticket is supposed to be issued for each offense. After the third offense it becomes a felony and there is mandatory jailtime. Guess what, there is not a single police agency that will enforce the law because it is not in the childs best interest to punish the custodial parent. My husbands second wife has been to taken to court nine times in the last 12 months by her first husband for numerous offenses. She has yet to pay his legal fees as instructed by the judge. Her lawyer keeps getting the case continued. My husbands second wife is in contempt of court right now on five counts. We have to pay our attorney a $1000.00 retainer fee before he will even file the paperwork to get her infront of a judge. That is not fair for us to have to shell out that kind of money to get her to do what the judge has already instructed her to do. Yet, if my husband defaults on his child support the state will drag him to court with no fee to her. Where is the justice for the non-custodial parent? I have started to lobby the state government to get these laws changed. Let's really start doing what is in the best interest of the child and not the best interest of the custodial parent! Sorry, if I went off on a rant. This is a subject close to my heart that I am hell bent on getting changed.

Amen, ladies. I, too, am thoroughly disgusted by the system. In the state of Maine there is actually a law on the books that a mother with a child under the age of three does not have to work and the court will not impute any wages for her when figuring child support. So, the ex took full advantage of that and let her CNA license expire in the middle of the divorce, just because she didn't feel like working. Why should she? SHe was living off welfare and the $800/month he was paying her for child support and had no bills because she just moved back in with her mother(her mother actually had an addition built on to her house so that the ex and the kids could move in as the ex's sister and her kid already lived there). Then the judge allowed her attorney to question my husband as to how much $ I made. Last I checked, dating someone does not make them in any way financially responsible for your kids. And apparently the $ her mother makes was a non issue. Meanwhile, for four years she didn't work, but went to school FT, at no cost to herself. The state even paid for her daycare and school books. In the meantime, he hasn't been allowed by her to see the kids in 3 years. My husband called the local cops, the county cops, the state police, and the DAs office when she first stopped visitation and no one could enforce his order. He was told he had to go back to court and get an order to enforce. What the hell good is the first order?!
What I want to know is where is the incentive to be a decent, self-supporting individual? My husband and I have worked FT, put our kids in daycare (Not because we wanted to- but someone has to be a grown up and support our kids and hers), paid bills, and continued to fall behind because he lost his job and no longer makes the amount that the judge ordered child support at but hasn't been able to get the child support reduction before a judge in 1 1/2 years because she keeps filing for mediation, continuances, etc.
The whole experience had made me much more cynical about the court system and how "fair" they are. Even when you are allowed visitation, what kind of relationship can you have with your kids when you see them every other weekend- four days a month? That's 48 days a year. In most cases, their extended family, teachers, friends, even the friggin lady at the grocery store sees them more than that.

I firmly believe we can make a change if we all just start making ourselves heard. I am very politically active and made it clear to my state and federal reps that I am not going to go away. This is a call to arms, ladies. We have to start making changes at the state level and work our way up to the federal level. There are numerous studies proving that a child functions at a peak level when both bio-parents are fully active in the childs life. The law makers need to recognize this as well as the family courts and start making changes that truly benefit the child. I cannot see how it would benefit any child when they only see one parent twice a month for two days. Our husbands (also included are mothers who do not have custody) should not be seen as cash machines to the courts. Yes, I realize that in the past there were many fathers who walked away from their families but today there are far more fathers willing to take on the responsibility of child rearing and should not continue to be punished by the courts for the mistakes of past generations. My husband has far more to offer in emotional support and morals than his two ex-wives but today the courts still will not acknowledge his desire to raise his daughters. He is still seen as the "bad guy" even though both mothers walked out on him to pursue relationships with other men. It is not his fault he has the capability to earn more money than the mothers but nobody told them not to work or to drop out of highschool during their senior year. I have worked since I was sixteen and add considerably to our income but we are bad people because we are more financially sound. I fear what these children are learning by the actions of their custodial parents and it pisses me off that the courts ignore the bad actions of custodial parents only because the children reside with them. So, this Monday call your reps and make them know you vote and will vote according to your issues. Thanks for reading my rants. I will be happy to supply links to all state and federal reps if anyone wants them.

I just wanted to comment on child support. If a biological father (or mother) shares 50% custody, why should there be any child support? Parents are grown ups and it is not the responsibility of one to ensure the other financial security. If one parent is unable to provide the financial means to care for the child, then the custody should reflect that. IE my husband has 50% custody, yet still has to pay $550 child support to the bio mom. She refuses to work, her parents have bought her a home. When my husband has to go to court because of her behavior (drinking, providing alcohol to minors,physical abuse), it is the expectation of the court my husband pays half of her attys fees. (Not to mention they fail to recognize the danger the children are in). If one parent cannot manage to financially be responsible for their children, then the other parent should have more custody. We live in a "victimized" society where no one wants to take responsibility for themselves. They want everyone else to take care of them. When there is a will, there is a way. Get a job and take care of yourself and your child/ren. It's not your ex-spouses responsibility. If one bio parent chooses not to share in the physical custody and share the responsibility for raising the child/ren 50% of the time, then they should pay child support.

We have what is called "first family priority" which means that our family takes backseat to his first family. My husband pays a ton of money for child support and 50% of all the extras (dance, gymnastics ect)...fine we can afford it and it is for SD but give us 50%. We went through a nasty legally case last year and we received more time 37% (at 40% it affects the money she receives) and we are still fighting for more. I had to return to work early from my mat leave because we couldn't afford for me to stay home with our son. She also recieves a hefty amount of spousal support and works. She goes to the tanning salon, nails done weekely, hair done , membership at the gym. things that I could only dream about because we can't afford. She is extremely greedy...one time she asked for a reimbursement for $2.50 for a school function that cost $5.00. We paid it.

It seems so unfair to me. My dh is a really good dad who wants his child 50% and he can't have her. Where is the fairness in that? It does take two to make a child.

I agree the court systems need to change. I am in canada and I don't know where to begin to get change implemented.

I think I got screwed and it nerves me..
My husband is to pay $130 a week in CS for our two children, he is not over 2 months behind. I had to pay a lawyer for a year to get it from $75 a week for 2 to the $130 a week.. Which makes me angry. My lawyer said there was no way to get his milk checks garnished so he would never get behind. So I dropped it and now I find out for $25 dollars they will garnish his milk check.. I am like what the heck. I got screwed out of $8000.00 of my taxes because he never filed taxes in 98, 99 or 2000 until 2001. He owed $14000.. and I payed $8000 or so of them.. Its unbelievable.. If I would have known that he was going to be such a jerk about everything.. I would have clearly made him give me 1/2 of the farm and its equity.. But instead I walked away.. I am a Dumb Ass.. and know it..

I see everything in another way. My BF is stuck paying child support to his ex. He is self-employed and does make most of his money under the table. The thing with our situation is that it is supposed to be 50/50 but ex actually has kids 1 day more, so that is all the child support that my BF is supposed to pay. Well as it happens to be we actually have the kids more than she does and she still complains about not getting child support. She said that she is going to take us to court, but I dont see that as a smart idea seeings how we have ended up have the kids most of her time to have them plus our time.

Now I am not complaining about having the kids more, God knows that I love them as my own. I am just mad the she still expects us to pay when we have them half of her time plus ours. I just think that that there shows a money hungry ***ch!!!

Take a bow woman. That was awesome

I beleieve that a lot of difficulty in the world could be simplified when people are their real selves and show their true colors.

I say this because I understand that some people might be offended by her comments e.g. 'her children did not want him coming around' or 'he has moved to another country'.

However, I am convinced that it is better that she was honest about her feelings towards this step-child. She might not be as patient or as giving of herself as some other people here, but that is who she is. Pls remember that we SM are constantly reminded that we are not the BM's and can never be, so the person who should be making any effort to maintain this relationship is his biological father.
Let us not play the blame game of 'you enstranged your husband from his child': he has the human right to feel ambivalent about a child he did not really want (you make mistakes but you can regret them, it does not mean you are a really bad person) plus she did not force him to have a distant relationship with his son: in the final analysis, he should be able to decide whether he wanted a close relationship with his son.

This is the same for her kids, as I believe children are impressionable, but, but there must be strong reasons for them not to want a half-brother around plus if she feels that it is better for their up-bringing, I am all in support: afterall, we are constantly told that any decisions that BM's take is for the interest of their child so it should be assumed when the SM is doing what she thinks is best for her biological kids.

The principle I operate on is that people cannot force emotions and there is no such thing as an appropriate feeling in a step-parenting situation. Although it could be argued that she knew he had a child before she got involved with him, if he is happy to put the child second to her, then that is his decision (which I believe should always be the default position) especially as it is not her responsibility really.
I think it is better for the step-son that he was not in an environment where he was not wanted... this might be why he has turned out OK.

"Being the Real 'You' should Always be Good Enough"