LIVID - Step and Fetch it - TBM asking SO for things now that boyfriend is gone
GRRR. I have been chewing on this all day. While raking leaves (its fall come lately here), cleaning the fish pond, pulling grass and weeds, cleaning the bunny cage.
This morning, while SO and I were enjoying our morning coffee before a day of bathroom remodel, Beastie texts and asks to use his truck, she wants to purchase a large wooden entertainment center. As in LARGE> all caps. He texts back, no thats too large. She asks him "well can't you come over and just measure for me?"
He tells me of this exchange, her requests and I am "Heck NO! Tell her no, absolutely not! She continues asking for things, asking you to install this and do that and can I can I and your truck, its for borrows too...."
I was LIVID, as in smoke pouring through the nostrils livid.
SO and I went back and forth on this. I said that I absolutely want him to tell her no, and thats his final answer. He is not to install anything, furnish anything, do anything. Thats not his job. Tell her. Grow some and stand up. His answer is always, 'I don't want the backlash, I don't want the toxic ness, I don't want the poison, I don't her to get MAD."
I just don't see what the issue is, it seems like it is pretty black and white to me: "He is not your husband/lover/whatever anymore. He has me in his life, his equity life partner, and Clove is saying "NO".
WELL, SO called and spoke on the phone and told her "I am the same person I always have been (what does that mean? He tells me it means he is a nice guy who likes to help people....whatever...!) but I have Clove with me, I have someone in my life now."
yes, for the past 3 1/2 years!
And he said that Clove is not comfortable with him helping her,therefore he won't be doing that.
Help me. Was that a chickens!t move? It was the truth. I am totally and utterly "not comfortable" with him doing this that and the other thing...What should he have done to make the point of 'stop asking to borrow my truck, stop asking me for help with anything non-skid related.' without making Beastie mad. Because God forbid she get angry about anything. Still living with the threat of child support..
- CLove's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I'm steaming mad for you!!!!
I'm steaming mad for you!!!! Yes! He didn't have the testicular fortitude to stand up to her and just say "No." He threw you under the bus to make you the bad guy to his ex-wife!
I'm so sorry. I know firsthand how horrible this feels. (Hugs)
Thank you! My mother said
Thank you!
My mother said that my father always does this. Maybe its a man thing? When my father doesn't want to go fishing or give someone money, he sais its because my mother said no.
My mother calls bulls!t on this too.
What an utter ball-less ahole
What an utter ball-less ahole he is. He is worried about BM getting mad? He should be more worried that you will kick his worthless a$$ to the curb.
I love my dh with all of my heart and soul, but I would ghost him and never look back if he ever treated me like that.
Notasm3 > what should he have
Notasm3 > what should he have said to her? He is a man of few words, he doesn't eve like talking on the phone and unless he is angry, his text are maybe three words.
All she has to do is utter the words "Ill take you to court", and he is shaking in his shoes. His eyes literally bug out (and he is asian), and he is a very large man, who is not easily intimidated.
I think that they have been together so long, at a vulnerable time, that she knows all the buttons to push (and I am not a button-pusher by nature) and she knows all his pulse points, all of them, He is a simple man.
I feel like his balls are in her purse/
What does he need to do to reclaim them?
What can he say that will still be ok, and not make her angry, and lash out? She has lashed out at us so many many times, filed ex part, and named me as dangerous to her children, threatened him numerous times in numerous ways...
I guess I need to grow some balls myself...I thought me making a stand that I am definitely not ok with him doing things for her and he relating that was a big enough statement/
He should have just said
He should have just said no(If that is what he really wanted to say)and left it that.
I agree with this, he could
I agree with this, he could have just said no. No. It's a simple word. My DH struggles with this too and always has. I always tell him it is OK to say no and you don't need to give anyone an explanation why. Say no. and then ignore. It's so simple.
I would say he’s very Easily
I would say he’s very Easily intimated if all she has to do is say she taking him to court! His size has nothing to do with it. She intimidates him and he allows it.
All he has to do is stand up to her. If they go to court, oh well, then it’s out of both of their hands.
BM used to call DH and freak out, yelling, accusing, telling him what he HAD to do.
I took the phone and hung up on her. He literally shook and he’s a big man, 6’2”, 250lbs. He was terrified of what she would do. She called back 3 times. I hung up each time and we were done.
He didn’t realize that he was the one with the power, not her. He gave her the power by listening to her but once he hung up she had no one to yell at.
She still threw fits but he’d hang up and she had no audience. She’d threaten court, he’d say fine call me with the court date.
She never took him to court. She stopped with the screaming calls and life got much better.
He has a problem saying "no"
He has a problem saying "no" to everyone. He admitted this, in the conversation.
Maybe we need to get the book "power of no" (in tandem with "power of yes")
Two of his sisters are always borrowing his truck, have scratched and dented it in several areas. So it is not a problem confined to his ex, the Beastie. I am having a problem with him helping Beastie, not his sisters, however.
He told the truth. What else could he have said? I am glad that he mentioned me as one of the reasons.
I should not have been the only reason however, thus I chew on this situation, and growl under my breath.
He just told that he does not
He just told that he does not mind helping her out. The ONLY reason he's telling no now, is because your "forced" him to.
It was a shitty move, but the 3 of you know it was the truth.
Does it really matter if BM knows WHY he is saying no?
Disneyfan - NO. I keep
Disneyfan - NO. I keep telling him that he should not be giving ANY kind of reasons as to WHY. The answer is now, always will be forever NO. Deal with it.
Thats why I am having such a big problem with this.
At first I was ok, because its the truth. And it deflects it back to me so she can't really justify lashing out at him. She is always lashing out in different ways. Threatening court, child support, this and that. By "implicating" me, she cannot really do anything to retaliate against him. Just turn Munchkin against me I guess.
Her réponse was just "Thats FINE". Click.
Even if he hadn't said it
Even if he hadn't said it that way she most probably would have blamed you for him actually saying no. That's what they do. They try to say he's henpecked and only said no because of you and he is supposed to feel guilty about that. Their hope is that this will cause arguments between you and/or that he will do what she wants anyway and that will upset you or that he does it behind your back. All of these things are a win for a toxic BM.
Our BM had to be told that no he won't be driving her around to skid events anymore (because she doesn't drive) as he has a new wife and she needs to arrange her own transport. She went ballistic. It was all because I was 'jealous' of her and didn't trust him etc etc. I absolutely did trust him but I was not going to accept her schlepping off him and a boundary had to be laid. She had so many demands and expectations that it had to come some day. Why not just say no and lance the BM boil?
I think he could have phrased it better, maybe saying that HE wasn't willing to do it anymore and that you were not ok with it either. You will have big fall out from this but it had to come some time. Stick together with your SO, support him and be glad he did the right thing. That's my opinion
^^^^THIS^^^^^
^^^^THIS^^^^^
We feel that it is TIME. Time
We feel that it is TIME. Time to really cut her off of the Always Asking. Can I have this or that from your home, can you do this or that for me. Previously SO would help by working on her car. And then work on her boyfriends car. I was fine with that. Boyfriend turned toxic, and right after that, she finally kicked him out after several really horrible incidents.
This woman is really toxic.
It is time. I figured out that she uses this to drive wedges. Because she figures that I am like her, and very jealous. I am not jealous. I simply do not want her treating my SO like she treated her now ex boyfriend, like he is her puppet.
He is his own man, and not her puppet.
He was looking for a solution, I think, because he didn't know how to say no, and not offend her, and give her any reason to unleash. She is a horrible person when she unleashes her temper. She can use the child to hurt him, threatens court, calls him names, and verbally abuses him. Calls him a "fecking a$$hole" when she doesn't give her what she wants.
So yes, time to lance the Toxic BM Boil.
You are saying that he has
You are saying that he has hard time saying NO to other people. But he has no problem indirectly saying NO to you by not even buying you a gift or even a card. He is afraid to upset BM but isn’t afraid to upset you? If he truly was people pleaser (my DH is) he’d be showering you with attention same way he showers others. I am not buying it that he is people pleaser.
As sad as it sounds he just isn’t that into you. Or he’d take care of you same way he does with others. Since you two are not married I’d be done with him
"As sad as it sounds he just
"As sad as it sounds he just isn’t that into you. Or he’d take care of you same way he does with others. Since you two are not married I’d be done with him"
THIS
Doing small stuff for BM here and there is minor compared to the stuff he doesn't do for the OP.
This is a rhetorical
This is a rhetorical question, obviously, but why in the world does your SO allow himself to be under BM’s control with her empty threats?
Your SO has a ball and chain. You’re okay with this!?
Why isn’t he paying CS?
Why isn’t he paying CS?
There is 50/50 CO - and he
There is 50/50 CO - and he pays for everything far above. Back to school, new bras, pads, movies, activities, birthday parties, graduation dresses, after school treats. And more.
I don't know why OP's SO
I don't know why OP's SO doesn't pay CS, but obviously not every father is ordered to do so. My SO doesn't pay CS because he and his ex are 50/50 and have similar incomes. She doesn't threaten him with CS, so I have no idea if he'd worry about it if she did.
He should not have to be
He should not have to be ordered to help support his children. The OP has stated that they have the kids every weekend.
Assuming that means they are with the mothers all week, he should be paying CS.
Holy sanctimommies,
Holy sanctimommies, Batman.
There are lots of reasons court-ordered child support might not be granted, as I'm sure you know. Perhaps his ex got the house and that offset CS. Perhaps they decided together to do a straight split of expenses. We don't know what the story is...so I'm not sure why your automatic assumption is that he's a deadbeat.
Also, at the risk of sounding like a broken record this weekend...you're equivocating here between two definitions of 'support' We've been talking this whole time specifically about court-ordered child support...which is a specific kind of legal obligation. You then post, while clutching your pearls I imagine: 'Well, what kind of MAN has to be ordered by the court to 'support' his own children!' Support in this sense meaning a moral good or moral obligation. Again, as you know, many, many divorced men 'support' their children far above and beyond the 'support' that's required by the courts...often even when their kids are turned against them and taught to treat them as little more than an ATM.
Given that OP says her SO is a natural helper and fixer who has a hard time saying no...I'm gonna go ahead and assume he is 'supporting' his kids.
Lots of sanctimommies out
Lots of sanctimommies out there...
Thou shalt worship the "Mother of His Children" (TM).
Thou shalt pay CS to the BM because he doesn't have a vajay jay and BM does (nice feminism there).
Thou shalt not have a problem with DH at the beck and call of the BM because it's "for the children" (TM).
Woe unto SM if she should object to DH worshipping at the altar of the almighty BM and skids as she will be accused of controlling, insecurity and jealousy.
Amen.
lol. And you forget my
lol.
And you forget my personal favorite:
How dare you try to take him away from his children and make him 'play Daddy' to yours!!!
Usually said to women who are bending over backwards for their SO's kids and just want a little balance in the home.
I Understand that But she
I Understand that But she said BM is threatening to file for CS so DH is scared of it. And kids live with mom. That’s why I asked
its 50/50, 5 days on 5 days
its 50/50, 5 days on 5 days off.
So your DH doesn't want to
So your DH doesn't want to say no to BM2 but has no problem saying no to you. Not doing for you. He is more concerned with keeping another woman happy than his own wife. In this, you are number 2 position to your own husband.
I know this all too well - it is what my DH used to do. Until I told him I am not playing seconds to my own spouse and started packing a suitcase. Right in front of him. He changed very quickly. He chose me.
If he didn't though, I would have left. No flipping way I'd watch my own husband bend over backwards for another woman.
If you can live that way, fine. Since you're blogging about it, I am going to say that you cannot.
So it's only a question of what are you going to choose? How do you want to live?
Two issues here, Clove. 1)
Two issues here, Clove.
1) Your SO is AFRAID to say no to BM. She knows just how to pull his strings, and does so.
2) In the past, he's done romantic things like send cards, love letters, etc., but doesn't do that for you. Understandably, that hurts you.
Many of us are here because we got involved with men who've been conditioned and abused in previous relationships. So I guess you have to decide if it's worth it to try to retrain your damaged SO.
Can you talk openly with him about this? Make him see that he's still letting BM pull the strings and that it's affecting your relationship? And ask him directly why he doesn't think you're worthy of cards, notes, or flowers. Men have to be told what we want, and his scars shouldn't require you to settle for less. Hopefully the two of you can work the problem together.
My DH came from a high-conflict family, and had children with two high-conflict women. Early on, I was shocked at his approach to conflict resolution, which was to fight dirty, begin at a 6 or 7, escalate, and verbally beat down his "enemy". I had to draw hard boundaries with him. He went to anger management classes, and it took him about two years to fully decompress and accept that I was a safe person and could be trusted. But he wanted to change, and that is why I stayed.
I'm livid for you, too!! He
I'm livid for you, too!! He absolutely threw you under the bus:
"I am the same person I always have been (what does that mean? He tells me it means he is a nice guy who likes to help people....whatever...!) but I have Clove with me, I have someone in my life now."
yes, for the past 3 1/2 years!
And he said that Clove is not comfortable with him helping her,therefore he won't be doing that."
What this means is, "I'd be glad to help you as I always have, and if I wasn't with Clove, I would do it, no problem, so it's her fault I can't help you." It sounds like he actually DID want to help her and sees no problem with it. To me, THAT would be the problem. The fact that he told her "no" in that manner would not be much of a consolation to me, because he left BM thinking he WANTS to help her, CARES about helping her and WOULD DO IT if you weren't in the picture, which would not be cool with me.
That's my first reaction,
That's my first reaction, too...but I think it's hard to tell tone on a blog post.
What I mean by that is...DH used to hand BM extra cash whenever she claimed she needed it, for the most ridiculous things...even if it meant he, and then we, couldn't pay our other bills. He is pretty awful with money, and BM is downright terrible, so when they were married it was always money crisis to money crisis. He once told me early in our marriage that he kind of thought of overdraft as a high-interest emergency credit line. He would regularly bounce a check or two every quarter.
After a couple talks, and me feeling like I was putting money into the pot and then my bills were the ones put on the back burner...I took over finances. I'd like to say it was smooth sailing from then on and we never bounced another check...but we did, bc DH would spend without communicating...usually in a panic in order to fix a problem. In my mind, he was way overspending...but he often said he barely ever spent money and, whenever he did, he felt extreme guilt and anxiety.
We eventually worked through his feelings about money, and mine, and figured out a way to communicate. In that process, he started saying NO to BM much more frequently...or at the very least...WAIT. Often he would say, well, give me the bill, let me think about it and talk to TwoOfUs about our monthly budget and see if we have the discretionary income for it. He said similar statements to his kids.
I could have seen that as him making me the bad guy...but I think he was really trying to remind BM and his kids that he has a new household and family unit now, and that I have to be considered, too...and to train them to quit asking for funds in a panic at the 11th hour and, instead, practice calm decision-making and problem-solving. Not so much throwing me under the bus as...reminding them that I'm on it, too.
Not sure if that makes sense. I agree...this kind of seems like he was throwing her under the bus...but maybe he was simply trying to remind his ex that he's in a new relationship now and establish, verbally, that it's important to him.
Well, of course I see the
Well, of course I see the difference...but that's what I mean when I say it's hard to judge tone. If he said it in a pouty tone and the implication was: "I REALLY wish I could but CLove says NO, the big meanie" then yeah. He threw her under the bus.
If it was more like: "I've always been this kind of person (who gives generously and has trouble saying no), but CLove has a boundary here that I'm going to respect" then it may have been more like...him trying to remind the ex of the new status quo.
I say this as someone who does a lot for my family and has trouble saying no. I never WANT to say no to my family...but sometimes I have to. I did start telling them I had to think of my DH first...not to throw him under the bus but just to remind them where my loyalties primarily lie...my 5 younger siblings were so used to coming to me for help. I still do help them A LOT...but I think they understand, now, that it comes after all my obligations to my own house have been met.
And no. This isn't me being unable to make my own decisions or having to ask my DH's permission to help out my family, as CG would have us believe. It's simply me committing to and prioritizing my marriage.
Bingo! That's how I read it
Bingo! That's how I read it too. Clove is the reason he wont help her out. His comment let BM know that he would otherwise.
Clove your SO not only threw you under the bus, whats even worse is he betrayed your confidence. That's huge. So now it does become a "trust" issue, but not in the way our resident therapist said. One would hope that you could trust SO to keep your private conversations just that, private. That is breaking trust. I am so sorry you are dealing with that.
Going from first post he
Going from first post he didn’t say “I have clove now and will not be helping you”. He says “I have clove now and she is uncomfortable with me helping you”
He is pretty much saying: I have a girlfriend now who is insecure and jealous so I can’t help you. Not nice
He should not be bringing you
He should not be bringing you into this in any way shape or form.
It's not about jealousy, or insecurity - it's about disrespect.
There is a fine line between jealousy and disrespect.... Jealousy is when your man is doing something for someone else that you want for yourself... but disrespect is someone putting your man in a position where he has to do something for someone else, when the request is not genuine but rather, to get a rise out of you.
It's not a problem that he would help BM out.
It's a problem that BM only asks him because she's stepping on your toes.
Guaranteed if it didn't bug you, she wouldn't be asking.
What he SHOULD tell BM, is that BM should find her own man to do things for her, and if she doesn't have one, that she can do like every other adult and pay someone to do it for her.
I would be livid if DH went to do something for BM, too, as inane as it would be - because if a woman has no husband, she shouldn't be demanding that another woman's husband do it for her just because she's the mother of his child. I'm not jealous about it... he helps other women all the time - we have female friends, we have female neighbours, whatevs... it's about BM taking advantage, using him as her lackey because they have a son together... that's disrespect, not jealousy.
Omg...Id rather pay CS than
Omg...Id rather pay CS than listen to that B all day long!
Like she would get off her ass and pay money out of her own poket to file paperwork.
Figure out how much cs would be. If you can afford it then call her bluff
Will she be calling your DH for a ride to the courthouse too ..lol
There is a difference in between fixing someting that would directly affect the skid and fixing BMs boyfriends car(I can't even)!