I’m going to try and do one big response to everyone above.

My partner lied to me over this past week. He did so out of fear. He told me what he thought I wanted to hear because in the past when BM got mad she would physically attack him. He told me things to make it easier on him because he was scared. He also failed to communicate things. He again did so out of fear of how I would react.

Let me explain that there are two different issues here that both came out with this recent CO update.

One is dealing with money. My SO and his Ex have a handful of old bills that were never paid. When he was in the military and overseas his Ex was in control of the household. She handled his money and was his power of attorney. She opened multiple accounts and then failed to pay. While married she hid this from him. My partner worked nights and slept during the day. Like in many families BM continued to handle all the bills and money while my partner was in the states and out. It’s what "appeared" to work for them. Or show he thought till he learned different. I grew up in a military house hold and this was the same way it worked for my family then.

All of debts are 3+ years old. Like I said BM hid this from him. It’s really not that hard if: You’re not in the country part of the time and you don’t handle the household budget. She’s the one who collected all the bills, paid or didn’t pay them, controlled all communication for the most part. We have to assume that when communication about the debts such as collection letters came in she would just get rid of them.

As soon as my partner broke up with his ex he started to be informed of this. Yes one event that caused this was him initially being unable to get a “normal” bank account. That has been debt with. The thing that is the problem now is a “new” debt showed up a few months ago. I know for as close to a fact as possible he was not aware of this debt until it showed up on credit karma. I showed him how to use the account and we used it to figure out exactly where the other debts were about a year ago. This one just tipped over into collections where it showed up on his score. Before that he had no communication. Considering every way to connect to him including his phone number and place of living changed at the time of his separation I can believe that BM continued to receive these communications and didn’t tell him.

Unrelated to this debt SO and BM had a court appearance over a minor issue in the order. I honestly don’t understand why this issue had to go to court in the first place but when it got finished SO got a new CO. SO believed that his lawyer would include this new bill in that updated CO.
This updated CO is where the lies and failure to communicate come from.

The new debt was not included in the CO. When I asked about it SO claimed that the lawyer told him that the debt was only in his name and could not be included. I knew this had to be a lie somewhere. He told me at first when he found the debt that yes BM was on it. I also know there is another debt that is in the CO that is solely in his name BUT is considered a marital debt because it was a household debt.

On top of this missing debt there was a change in the CO visitation order that my partner claimed he knew about. Considering I handle the scheduling in our home I kind of need to be informed of this stuff. This was something that he KNEW would come out but it would take months and he was trying to decide how to tell me. In his words exactly he didn’t tell me right away because he was “terrified” about how I would react. This is where we start to get to the issue.

We have the lie over the debt and we have a lack of communication over the visitation changing. Both of these I found out about at the same time.

He lied telling me that the lawyer told him BM could not be held responsible for half the bill. The truth was that the lawyer dropped the ball and never even attempted to get it discussed or looked at. My partner decided on his own, to eat the full cost of the bill rather than push it because we have a date for their final court case now. He wants to be done with this and is worried that pushing the issue on the debt would extend this out further. He was afraid to tell me that the lawyer failed and he’s ok just leaving it alone.

So we had a sit down about this stuff. One of the discussions was on how he wanted to handle the house schedule and finances. We work together on this with yes, me taking the lead in ways. We could separate out finances and he could be responsible for visitation on his own but that would involve me disengaging further than I want to. I’m fine working my schedule around when we have the kids. I’m fine watching them at times. No I don’t put myself out there. If there is a time that we can’t make it work it falls on him. Since he works nights and me days there is never an issue about us not having coverage but for extended periods of time I like to try and be off to support him and spend time with the kids. I take them to the park, library, and stuff like that and I enjoy it. I need to know when his time is because I WANT to be involved. If I drop it on him alone with the way I am that means lessening my involvement in the kids’ life with us and I don’t like that. My partner is capable of taking care of the kids. He does it. He doesn’t demand I be available and I have made it clear that if he slacks on his part I will stop. My partner doesn’t need to find a baby sitter because I WANT to be there. He can if I’m not and he has / continues to manage this so please don’t ask me what he’d do if I weren’t there because he would figure it out as he has and does.

Now the issue with the money I explained to him that I understand. The cost of taking the bill alone is not worth extended this more than it has already been. I wish he had just told me “lawyer forgot about it”. My partner WILL be figuring out how to cover this debt on his own as he has done with the rest. CS and his bills are his. He then helps cover the bills in the home. Maybe I pay more than him in the long run but when he’s coming up short I let him know and he finds a way to make up for it. He has done odd jobs for friends, donated plasma, hell he even entered a research study for a medication they were looking at to see if it would help with his PTSD. Sharing the home I have with him and him paying what he does is the option I like best. If I lived alone my cost would be more but yes I could cover it. I also have family that would allow me to stay with them for a while so I’m not trapped. Neither is he. Before me he lived alone. He could easily go back to that or room with a coworker. He could figure it out.

I know that I have a choice in all this. I chose to work through this with him. I'm not prefect either. Trust me, my partner deals with my past. If I didn't see a chance of things getting better I would move on without him. Yes I come here and I write. Sometimes I don't articulate well. Sometimes I'm frustrated and have only half the information I should before I come here and share. Yes I am a highly anxious person but believe it or not it's calmer at home then it appears through this. I use this as my sounding board or to just get things out. When I come here I do get alot of input that believe it or not I consider. I've taken alot from here to change things.

Yes in ways I've stepped back and yes in ways I'm overly involved and somewhat controlling. Part of it is my anxiety and need to know. I don't think I could handle not knowing about visitations or what kind of debt my partner who I want to marry has. We're at the tail end of his divorce and tried. It's his just like this CO is but I've chosen to be apart of this life. I've chosen this man and these kids and yes that's going to impact me. I get ALOT out of this that I don't want to lose. I don't want to disengage from everything and maybe I need to learn how to do so partly but alot of times the advice I get while good is too drastic. Then sometimes you guys tell me AMAZING stuff that I do use. Not everything makes it here though.

God I write alot.... Sorry and thank you if you've read this far.