You should NOT be taking of SS when your SO is not at home. If he is working away from home for long periods of time then BM should have SS. You are not a babysitter. If BM is working out of town then BM and SO should make other arrangements for child care. NOT you
You SO would like you to be a babysitter. But tell him your are not.
These two made a baby and they get jobs where they can’t take care of SS. One or both has to get jobs where they are home. But they rather turn over they jobs to you.
The problem you are having is because of what you are doing, if you continue to bo what you are doing you are going to continue to have this problum

I understand few days or few hours but I’d not babysit for weeks or months! When DH is out of town kid goes to his mom
And if she is out of town then they need to make different arrangements. Or find different jobs. I’d stop this nonsense

What a sweet deal for your husband, his ex and stepson. Not so much for you. And not so much for your son, I bet.

If you don't want to be a servant, stop acting like one. I expect that they (DH and his ex) will be pissed off and try to pressure you into keeping things as they are, because it works great for them.

You need to stand up for yourself.

You have two options:

First is what everyone else said. Stop doing this.

Second is discipline as you see fit since you are supposed to be treating the boys equally. If they are with you, enforce your rules and discipline. If one of the parents is around, defer to them.

Parents don't get a say in consequences at school,day care, or with another adult. If they don't agree with the consequences, they can place their child elsewhere. The same goes for you.

Also, the kid should be old enough now to understand that different people and places have different expectations. You can enforce rules one way when it's just you, and your DH and BM can do it another when they are home. Kid will learn quickly that the expectations are different.

I personally couldn't handle this set-up, but if you can, those are your only options outside continuing with the status quo or leaving your marriage.

You need to quit being their servant/door mat. Good Lord. This was attempted with me. I fought it tooth and nail. I wasn’t their slave. I took my kids and left. Must be nice to ditch your kids on a third party and do what you want. I bought my own house and filed for divorce. Bye losers!

Parents of young children can’t have a job that requires going out of town a lot. Now one parent might, but not both.

This is one of the worst step situations I have read in awhile.

You’re “told”?

Seriously!?

I see you as a live-in nanny, bed warmer, with no say in the matter, because it will disrupt the ebb and flow of your DH’s and BM’s lives as the bio parents. Wow. Just wow. This is incredibly sad.

Your home. Your rules. I get not feeling like you can just ditch the kid... But you aren’t a daycare, you aren’t being paid, in fact I’d imagine you’re losing money... If you’re expected to treat him as your own, well then neither parent is around and YOU get to make the decisions on rules and discipline. Because doing exactly how they say is ridiculous when you’re the one raising!

But these two people are saying to you ‘here’s our kid.’

The difference being, their way comes with rules. Your way would be asking them to figure it out.

I feel sad for you. This would be one of the absolute worst step situations to find oneself in.

Have you asked your husband to look for a job that requires less travel so at least ONE of these "parents" is parenting?

"I am the one that has to inforce the rules. I always ask both bio parents first. They tell me what they want done and I do it. I voice that it is a collective decision and what not but I am the bad one in the end.
It sucks and it’s definitely hurt the relationship I had built with my stepson."

If you are the 'parent' who is left for days/weeks with the child, it is pretty natural to believe you are the one doing any discipline and enforcing household rules. But , just as with your own bio son, it should be your rules and your consequences .... BM and Dad handed this role to you when they both decided to go about their job careers.

With the exception of age difference and consequence being age appropriate both these children living in your home and left to parent by you should be dealt with in the same manner. Yep, just like as if you were the mommy to both and your spouse/other parent was missing in action.

The boys should have the same expectations, rules, discipline, chores, food, snuggles and boo-boo clean-ups as the other child. The bio parents loss their 'this is how we want you to do things with our child' when they dumped the kiddo on you and went about their merry little way. They don't get to be phone it in parents.

That's wanting their cake and eating it too. It's above and beyond what should be expected and asked of you. BM can parent however she wants on her two days a week in her home. Dad needs to allow you to parent in your manner and style (same as you do for your own child) and accept he has left this responsibility to you and for you to decide.

It's that, or both parents change employment and the time they spend away from child and do the parenting themselves. Your SS is lucky to have a SM who cares enough to be the one there for him.

This is what I would do: TELL DH that he and BM need to split costs for before and after care during the school year as well as summer camp costs during the summer. When Skid gets up you can either bring him to before-care or bring him to school (whichever requires less interaction time) then he goes to school and to after-school care. Usually after-school care closes around 6pm so pick skid up around 5:30. Get him home, y’all have dinner, bath & bed. Rinse and repeat. Whatever downtime he has left from 6-9 (bedtime) should be filled with homework (but it’s not your responseibility to make him do) and whatever electronics he plays but let him know the WiFi only comes on larger all children have 1. Completed their homework, 2. Picked up their dinner dishes and lastly 3. Are ready for bed. Then they can vegitate. At their age and generation, all you need is to control their WiFi access. If he gives you problems then he doesn’t give access until his dad gets home and the three of y’all can have a discussion about respect in your house.

So you quit your career so you can accommodate DH and his ex so they don’t have to parent THEIR child? So their careers are more meaningful to you than your own? That doesn’t make any sense. You need to get your sense of self worth and self respect back.

My friend’s DH is a wild land firefighter. He is gone for weeks at a time. Perhaps that is what OP’s DH does. I see she’s in California, and that’s where my friend lives, too. It’s a common, well paying firefighter job out west.

Still, no excuse. He and BM are benefiting from a very sweet deal, in having you around.

What would YOU like to see change?

Everything everyone above said. Also, I have a real issue with bio-parents who take advantage and then have the nerve to complain. If they don't like the way you discipline THEIR son then they can make other arrangements. They should be nothing but thankful and supportive for everything you do. They need to back up your decisions and treat you with the respect you deserve. Best to you.

You say you're looking for help and advice. My advice is to tell these parents they are going to need to make other arrangements to raise their son! My DH and I have to be out of town for overnights here and there. We are lawyers. We share staff, and they coordinate our schedule so that one of us is always in town to take our youngest to school, pick him up after school and care for him for the night. We have no family in the area to do that for us. Your DH and his ex need to act as though you are not in the picture. As your SS10 gets more into the teenager years and naturally begins to seek independence and test boundaries, I see this discipline issue becoming a MUCH bigger problem.

OP, what you're doing is fine as long as it's you're choice and you are getting fairly compensated. Lots of women stay home and do childcare so the husband can work. If this arrangement is going to continue then treat it like a home daycare. You're the one in charge, your wages, your hours and your rules. If the parents don't like it then they are free to find other arrangements for ss10.

Many moons ago I did home care for my two toddlers and three others. Once the the daycare kids were in the door they followed my rules and if there were non life threatening issues their parents were informed at pickup.

You're at the stage in life where the kids are in school and you could be free to follow your hobbies and career aspirations. Instead you're babysitting so they can follow theirs. It's all good as long as they are both paying you well. You have the right to be compensated for your work. You're not a charity.

I do think it is odd that you won’t ask this child’s bio parents to change their career but you feel that it’s acceptable to change your career to care for THEIR child.

That’s where you lost me. Why don’t you believe it’s their duty to care for their child like it’s your duty to care for your child.

What is the current custody agreement?

What are you getting out of this? Do you work outside of the home, or are you a SAHM? Is this arrangement allowing you to be a SAHM to your own child when you wouldn't otherwise be able to do that? If so, then it might make sense to continue with the current arrangement, EXCEPT with rules and boundaries that you are comfortable with (i.e., YOU get to make the decisions on discipline, and the parents agree to back you up). If not, or if the current arrangement isn't working for you, maybe it's time to bring in some additional help, so that you're not providing ALL the childcare. Being almost entirely responsible for a child who is not yours is really difficult. My fear is that you will reach a breaking point and everything will go to hell in a handbasket, whereas if you reach out and demand changes now, you might be able to improve the situation before you reach that point. Without changes, I don't think there's any doubt you will reach that point of no return.

If they want you to treat them like your own, that INCLUDES making parental decisions when you're the one parenting.

It's very clear between dh and I that if i'm to treat ss as my own, it means I'm going to parent, whether it's very little or entire days when dh has to work, then I had BETTER be treated as if I'm his mother.

To be clear - that means that if I issue a punishment, dh better have my back on it. Mdisciplining a child for behavioral issues is NOT picking on the child.

What seems to have worked for us, is that when I DO have to "parent", I tell dh what happened, what the consequence was, the conversation I had with ss, and my reasoning behind it.

Despite my kids being teens and occasionally having attitude, for the most part they're recognized by dh as being great kids, and he wants ss to turn out just as good.. thus he trusts my judgement and knows I was/am just as harsh on my own as I am on ss.

Between the 2 of us, I'm stricter..and funnily enough, much to dhs chagrin, I'm also generally the one ss seeks out first. Dh saw first hand that fun parent doesn't equal preferred parent. Not that I'm preferred, but to dh, sometimes it seems that way.

Ask your dh whether he wants you to be a stepmom, or a nanny...and then remind them that nannies both get paid for their time AND have authority over the kid's while stepmoms do it for free.... and that he can choose to either have you parent them while they're in your care, WITH his support, or he can pay someone else to.