I am glad I stayed now but it's taken me years to say this. There was a lot of craptastic times over the last 8 years but things are finally stable.

So true. Until you live it, you have no clue.

I always tell my DH that he, in of himself, is the most wonderful man I will ever be with.

The shyte of the past and crazy BM2 he drags with him, however, is fecking awful and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

I give this advice to all of the single people I know.

Just like any other relationship.. good and bad can happen. Some of it you can control, some of it you can't. Sometimes it depends upon how uptight or controlling we are ourselves.

My go-to advice might not be "run for the hills" (though I had my days) but to consider very carefully whether the person you pick is going to be able to be a supportive partner and if you are going to be able to accept the fact that being with that person means you will have to deal with kids you didn't create and with EXes as well. Basically, you will have to live with things that you may have no say in (like CO's).

It means your partner has another responsibility and obligation in his children that will take up some of his financial, time and emotional resources. You won't always be first. Your kids won't always be first... but if you insist on being a PRIORITY (not THE priority necessarily) and they treat you as such, it can work.

I married a guy with kids (young at 5 and 9). His EX was a nightmare... demands for money and other things. Threats of court.. taking things out on the kids for "liking me". Jerking him around constantly on visitation and wanting money. But somehow even with all the mess and aggravation, we somehow made it to the point where both girls are adults and living financially independent from their parents. They are good kids that can aggravate like any kid can but overall, they turned into pretty decent adults. The EX? we don't hear from her any more and don't see her either.

Is there a secret to survival? Maybe don't sweat the small stuff and keep your eye on the bigger picture. If you are too busy fighting with the EX over every little thing perhaps in the end you lose the larger battle. Would it have been better if my EX had been more stern with his ex? Probably not as court certainly would have cost him more than the minor 20 dollar gas money she wanted etc...

I guess just like not everyone is cut out to be a parent, not everyone is cut out to be in a step relationship.

Dealing with your own kids expenses and dramas is trying enough. Dealing w/skids and BM's crap then seeing your husband turn into a sniveling p#ssy is just unreal.

There's a reason why the divorce rate for 2nd and 3rd marriages are so high, it's because so many more people are involved. It's like a big group marriage rather than just the husband and wife.

Yep! RUN, just RUN!!!

Run far and never look back!

Oh if I had ONLY read this post 7 years ago. I definitely would have given the, "I like and care for you, but we can only be friends" speech.

Ugh, this is depressing. I'm at the dating stage. Things are OK now. Kids are young and not a problem, BM is sane and cooperative. Would I be correct in assuming that the minute one marries it all goes to hell in a handbasket?

And it NEVER gets better. It doesn’t matter how old skids are, they will come between you and peace EVERY SINGLE TIME. If I could I would go back in time and slap myself.

I recently went out with a guy that was my age with NO kids. I was very hopeful as this is such a rare thing to find! I should have known better!!! I don’t date anyways due to the fact that i attract narcissist/sociopaths.

It was our first date and we knew each other casually. I had invited him to our office Christmas dinner but that fell through so he invited me to get pizza. I accept and we meet. It was alright. No chemistry at all on my part and he kept randomly touching my back and arm. I have a big personal bubble so that bugged me. He was being a gentleman and nice but he said four specific things that bugged me over the course of the date and made a very fatal mistake - we were watching a funny movie and he put a pillow on his leg and bluntly asked me if i wanted to lay my head in his lap while watching. I said no, i do not. I’m comfortable right where i am. He then tried to hold my hand. I took it back and bolted as soon as the movie was over. He’s been hard to shake and i finally had to be super blunt to get him to back away from me.

My record of attracting goofballs holds steady and it was a letdown as he had no kids and seemed nice

Meh. Fine.

It's so true! When you think about all the great parts of the relationship -- none of them include the step child. Once they move in with you, you finally get slapped in the face with the harsh reality of what you agreed to. These step kids are completely set in their ways, and nothing is going to change on their end. YOU have to change and suppress your own feelings of anger/annoyance, or you have to hit the road (I hit the road!).

I should have never married my husband. He has temporary custody of his twin grands because his daughter is married to a bum with the worst criminal record in the world. He shot at her and her son and then she was a failure to appear at many of the trial dates and was therefore arrested on a material witness warrant. Then she went to the jail where the bum was being held and married this bum who tried to shoot her and her son. These kids don't want to have any contact with their mother for good reason. I told my husband that at my age, 59, I don't want to raise children. My children are flapping the wings that I gave them. My nest was empty and I was not crying over the fact! My husband's daughter kicked out her eldest daughter two years ago and taking in this girl had stressed our marriage that we have yet to overcome. I went to counseling and my husband thought that I was being ridiculous for seeking help!

Some will say it is not about me and that is true. I agree wholeheartedly. But I did what I was supposed to do with my own children. My grandchildren are happy and healthy and not living in financially poor households and in an abusive and dangerous situation.

All I can say is listen to people. When they start talking about how bad their ex-spouses are and that their child was instrumental in getting them kicked out of their parents marital home, run for the hills because it will only get worse!

P. S. There is a son who is as equally messy!

A lot of good advice on how to deal with the tough times- but I’d have to honestly say if I had it to do all over again, I would NOT have married a man with custody of his kids. Maybe part time is easier, maybe not? But what was I thinking marrying someone with full custody (no breaks, bm’s mia) of 2 kids?!? Run for your life!!!

With all due respect, I don’t think it’s worth running every single time. I think we live in a microwave culture where “things should just be replaced when they are broken.” Still, sometimes these things smack you in the face... both the triumphs and the failures. You learn exactly what you are made of by NOT giving up. I don’t know your story, but I know that I can’t make an assessment about MY situation until I look at myself first.

Let me explain.

I think the grandest thing you can take from a step situation is what you contribute (or don’t) to the situation. You learn that it’s ok to say what you’re thinking as long as you do so respectfully (because holding it in or lashing out does no one any favors). You learn that you may not always be top priority to others (but YOU can be to YOURSELF). You learn that you are in this to LEARN. You’re not gonna do it perfectly every time. No one can. What matters is where your heart is at. And ultimately, the only control you have is in how you respond — whether that be through loving arms or disengagement. The choice is yours in what to accept or reject. And if it doesn’t work, you’ve gained some wisdom in the process. And you still had control, because you made your own decision on how far you’d go.

As an example, I responded with knee-jerk emotional reactions. I took things too personally. Me and my own biological son are who I’m responsible for. Nothing else. But I know I don’t want to be like a bull in a china shop either. So I will stop. I will listen — even when it’s hard. I will acknowledge the efforts others have made, even in the face of my own indignance. I will give them a little rope and hope they’d do the same for me. Because I love my “broken” family. I will make every attempt to step outside of myself (the one I can control). Because, as a free and loving person, that’s the only thing in my way. And if things don’t change and I’ve exhausted MY efforts, THEN I will run. Otherwise, I’m in it for the long haul.

The only catch now is defining your breaking point. You are in charge of that. And it’s a beautiful thing regardless of the end result.