You have kept your BD in a home with an abusive step parent. Of course she has problems. Either step up and be a responsible parent or let your daughter live somewhere safe.

If she has to behave a particular way to not set him off, then he has no business being in a house with children. Think about what you are teaching her about relationships. She will model marriage by what she grows up with. Walking on eggshells because there is a hothead in the house is a horrible, damaging message to send.

You are not providing a safe home for her. You need to choose which relationship is more important. I hope you make the right choice.

"She begged them not to get the cops involved and they made a deal with her...if she stays living with them then they won't involve the courts or cops but if she comes back home they will call the cops."

Kudos to your mother, sister and ex for putting your child first. Hopefully, they will still involve the courts and cops. That way your youngest children will be removed from your home as well.

If YOU want to stay with that abusive jerk, great. But your kids should not be forced to live in that house.

Why is it more important to you for your daughter to come back to your abusive home then it is for YOU to leave your abusive husband.

Do you want your daughter and other children to go on and either have abusive relationships or be abusive like your husband.

I don't care how apologetic your husband, or how sorry he is. He not sorry or apologetic enough to leave and get help is he.

What do you think going to happen when your younger children reach your daughter age, do you think they are not going to act out.

I hope your daughter continues to stay away from your household for her own safety.

I'm sorry to say as much as you are praying, asking for god's help unless YOU get up and actually do something about this situation nothing will change except your husband will get more violent and abusive to your children and you.

I do not understand why you are so passive, other that your husband has conditioned you to be so.

Your home situation is so bad that child services were involved and your family is gunning to call the police if your daughter returns home to you.

Read, read and re-read that again and again until it sinks in.

You need to decide which relationship is more important to you: your children or your abuser.

If it's your abuser then let your other children live with your other family members as well. Save them the hell that your daughter went through. Let your family teach them what a healthy, supportive family unit looks like. Teach them what NOT to put up with in a relationship.

If you can't do that right now, then at least let someone else do it. Don't let your personal life destroy your children's lives.

Or take your children and leave your abuser. Save all of you. Be a parent first and foremost...and then get yourself and your children some much needed counselling to help all of you heal from what's been happening for the past several years.

STOP making excuses for what he does. There is never an excuse for abuse. Ever.

You need to stop being with a man that would hit your daughter. That is what you need. What would you do if any other person hit your daughter????? You would keep them away from your daughter, right??? Just because you love your husband are you saying hat when your 14 year old daughter got a bit hit headed your husband gets a pass for hiring a 14 year old child ....twice???? Your daughter’s family are stepping in and doing what you cannot right now because you are blinded by love, obligation and fear.

Your daughter is telling you what you want to hear as she does not want to upset you. You are the adult though and need to have a broader perspective. Your daughter is not happy or safe in your household. She is much better off living with her biodad until you get the sense to leave your husband. This dies not mean you have failed, it just means that you are doing what is right for your daughter. It takes a stronger parent to realize that their situation is not ideal than it does to blindly press on because kids should live with their mothers or because your sense if family involves your daughter being miserable and under threat of violence should she loose her temper.

Let her live with her father. Help her not to feel guilt with her decision to protect herself.

" I understand that everyone has concerns and rightly so but if BioDad is mentioning him not having to pay CS anymore then what is his main concern???"

Of course he isn't going to pay you CS. You don't have the child. He will need his cash in his own home as he has the child and he may need to give GMa cash for when GMa feeds the child and other expenses. Of course the topic has been brought up. No one is going to pay you CS. Dad needs to get his CS order stopped and get one where you pay with CS now. Both the custody and CS need to be changed. It is a legitimate subject of concern that needs tended to.

It is a good thing that Dad is working with GMa to bring a safe and stable environment for your daughter. She needs a stable safe place where she can focus on school, perhaps therapy and also just being a teenager. You aren't able to give her that. Fixing your husband so your household can be a "family" is something this young teen can not fix for you. You've chosen to stay with your husband and focus on keeping your marriage, the child's father has chosen to keep his daughter his focus and her well being and safety his priority.

This all should have happened when your daughter was ten and the first incident happened. It didn't and the issue accelerated and became worse. Now it is being taken out of your hands, as it should be.

Why on earth do women stay with these abusive passive aggressive or overtly awful men and say "i see the good in him"??? If you're having the cops/cps involved, I'd likely say there isn't any "good" there. If you're making excuses for him and his horrid behavior, then you're deluded in believing there is something there worth saving. You can't retrain him. You left with your kids for four months and then trot right back to start the cycle all over again. And i also see another dynamic at work here. You're giving this to God. Here is a new flash. God doesn't intend for a wife to stay where she or her children are being abused. My counselor drilled that into my head because my preacher's kid-self kept saying God hates divorce and there was no adultery. My counselor straightened me out on that one.

It would make my day if it would finally sink in here that those who have issue after issue with these abusive a**holes would realize that the "good" you see is just justification to stay. If a man/person truly has a good heart or intentions, this behavior wouldn't occur to the point of actual physical abuse. Three other young children have to endure this mess. Good grief.

Your daughter has two parents who get to make decisions about her care and wellbeing. Her father believes, and rightfully so, that his daughter should not be living in a home with a man who hits her. It sounds like the first time an angry outburst happened and CPS was called that your ex let it go and didn't pursue full custody. I'm assuming he did that thinking it was an isolated incident, etc. However, he has now made the decision that HIS CHILD is having issues and needs help away from an abusive household (which is what it is, even if it only happens a handful or times and even if you feel it is instigated by your daughter).

What your daughter wants is irrelevant. She's a child who has parents who make decisions for her. If you don't like the arrangement, by all means go get your daughter and bring her home. However, have fun explaining to the police and courts what is going on and why a change of custody was demanded by BioDad. With a history already of this happening, your BD will permanently end up with BioDad with you have supervised visitation outside your home while paying CS.

You may serve an almighty God, but you're still subject to the laws of the land. Laws of the land say that a child hit by an adult that isn't out of actual self defense is an abused child who should not be on the environment where it happened. No one cares what you want to do as a grown adult, but the law won't allow a child to be in that environment, especially when there is a parent waiting and willing to raise his daughter.

God doesn't want your child to be abused. I can't stand when people twist faith to rationalise sh*tty behaviour.

you can tell my I'm being judgy all you want. I'm telling the truth. It's costing you dearly already. But you're correct. It is your choice. And it may cost you even more as you "work" on things. And you seem to be just fine with him hitting your daughter. Actions speak louder than words. And kids will know. My daughter told her friends that, as her mom, i protected her and her brother and got them away from a very bad situation. It was a skid that put hands on me. Had either of my children been touched, it would have been hell to pay.

Keep on "working on it". Remember, God gives us free will. He expects us to help ourselves at times.

Have you spoken with your pastor yet? What did they say about your daughter’s living arrangements?

Let me just preface this by saying, I don't have kids of my own. I am an ex-SM. I escaped my stephell a few years back.

I went back to read your previous blogs to get myself up to date with your situation. I'm not going to judge what's happening to you, because I haven't been where you are. What I will say is this, your current arrangement is the best thing for everyone involved.... for the moment. It gives everyone a chance to breathe, step back, and make whatever changes are necessary, to hopefully repair and heal the wounds.

Your husband sounds like the 'manly' type who will not tolerate any form of disrespect. There is nothing overtly wrong with that sentiment, to a point. Unfortunately, he stepped way over the line. A point you readily acknowledge. By your own account, your daughter has behavioral issues, and clearly knows the trigger points and how to use them. This was a situation just waiting to happen. My guess, is that if you look back, you'll even see where this was destined to go off the rails. The fact that you are looking at this from all sides, tells me that you know what I'm saying. It's very easy to go all out 'mamma or papa bear' when it comes to the children. I mean your job is to protect them at all costs. That's why you're getting the replies that you're getting. They're not wrong. Your first duty is to your child. This means as hard as it is, you have to let her be where she is safest. That doesn't mean you have to break up your family forever. You should take this time to get counseling, individually and as a family. You also have to be really honest with yourself, while you're trying to put your family back together. If your husband is not willing to do the hard work that it's going to take, to fix HIS part in this, you will have to make a choice. You already know this. I'm not saying that your daughter is off the hook. She has to work hard and own her part in this too. However, SHE is the child, so it is up to the adults to take the brunt of that responsibility. Hopefully, in time and with a lot of work, you can be a family again under the same roof. That will take all of the adults working together and finding better solutions. You have to back off her BF. He is angry and he has a right to be. As for the rest of your family, you should politely tell them to mind their own business. Too many cooks spoil the pot. This is between you, the BF, your daughter, and your husband. For now, let your mother and sisters tongues wag. It's just minutia. If you want your daughter back under your roof, then your husband will have to go somewhere else for the time being. If you don't want to do that, then you need to let your daughter be where she is, and learn to accept it, for the moment.

Some years back, my xSD created so much drama in her BM's house, that her SF went off the rails one night. No physical violence but, he was definitely raging out loud. Knowing how my xSD was, I didn't jump to conclusions right away. However, my xH was absolutely livid. How dare someone speak of and to his daughter that way. She ended up staying with us for a while. It wasn't long before I felt like raging. LOL. Eventually my xH got to see his wonderful DD in all her glory. He actually called the SF and after a long conversation, they compared notes and the truth came to light. They found a happy middle ground. The sad part was, neither my xH or the BM did a damn thing to help or change the xSDs ways. They just kept offering up the same lazy parenting that caused the behavioral issues in the first place. BM kept blaming the SF, as did my xIL's. My xH knew the truth but, he just wasn't strong enough to change anything. In the end, I was forced to make the choice. Them or me. I chose me.

You don't have to wait that long to do what's right. Right for you, and right for your daughter. Good luck to you.

~AG~

You say you've left before. What is stopping you now?

First, can you talk to BioDad? If you were to get your own place (be it your current one and DH moves out, or you move out), can you not keep the same custody arrangement? You don't need divorce to do this.

Secondly, if you were to move out, would your DH not then see that he needs to make some serious changes (TREATMENT) in order to get you to move back in? Get involved in his treatment, and if your daughter is willing at some point, join in? After a year or so, maybe then have a discussion with all involved to see about moving back home with your DH and daughter? It would look like you would be involved, and not need your mother or sister involved.

I don't remember your relationship with your ex, so I don't know how possible it is to communicate like this, but if it's not too hostile, it's the only way I could see you having any input on where your daughter goes.

Of course, after a year or treatment is involved and your daughter doesn't want to go back to your DH, you may be back in the current situation, but you will know you tried.

If your mother only has a one bedroom apartment, I don't really see you being able to maintain or encourage a relationship with your daughter if you don't see her much anymore. Doesn't sound good...Your daughter is a teenager and will hopefully be going to college in a few years. You won't have to opportunity to make up for lost time if you don't put her first and keep her in a safe situation. You are the adult, and she is still the child, no matter her behavior. Now is the time to make the difference.

You talk about serving a mighty God. Do you also believe that the man is the undisputed head of the house who rules with a firm but fair hand?

Be grateful that your daughter is in a safe place with people who love her. Anger and abuse can get out of hand real fast and if your husband acts that way w/your teenage daughter it will likely keep escalating and get worse. I'm sorry to say that your *family* situation with your husband and daughter will likely not work out and you shouldn't try to force it. It's an extremely unhealthy and dangerous situation for her. Do you really want her to think it's okay for a man to lay hands on her for any reason?

My dd22 saw me get physically abused by her father and she recently broke up w/a young man who had thrown her on the ground and tried to choke her over an argument about a phone. Then her own father grabbed her by the hair and yanked her around over an argument about a cat. I wish I had left exh the very first time he ever laid a hand on me so my children would have never had to witness this behavior and think it's normal on some level, but like you *God* would make things ok, prayer, tithing and church would make it all better. I just had to have faith and be a supportive wife. No real God wants women to put up w/abuse for any reason! Your daughter deserves better and so do you.

I don’t think it’s aporpriate to use G-d’s name in the context of justifying abuse. What does your pastor say about this? Does your pastor agree with you that men need to be put on the pedestal and men should be more important than safety of ones children? Does your pastor agree with you that keeping a man is more important than safety of your children?

I think your posts triggered certain responses because you insisted your daughter must home and “work on problems” and “not run away from problems”.

Your insistence on her coming back for all these bizarre reasons was just uncalled for.

And then bringing up CS? You expected your ex paying you CS even if DD doesn’t live with you. All of these did not sound as honorable motives and desires to protect a child. Along with placing your abusuve DH right under G-d. Really?

Clearly your pastor agrees with us that all this is tragic and not be taken lightly. Making sure DD is with you (why?) is not a priority

What you are posting now is vastly different from What you said earlier.

CS is not all your ex cares about. He took steps to get your daughter away from your husband. That proves he cares about the girl's well being.

"...like damn how stupid and delusional do you guys really think I am." Welllllll, you are making the CHOICE to keep 3 young children in a home with an abusive man. And you're trying to get the kid he has a history of abusing to return to the home.

If none of the abuse or violence happened and your husband did nothing wrong and is in fact second to G-d in his greatness (God comes first and he is second ) then I don’t understand what were your original posts about? You said your husband has anger issues and has been violent towards DD. But now apparently nothing happened? Your ex just want money and there is really nothing going on. I am confused on the whole thing now.

Your daughter needs to stay where she is for the time being and you need to encourage her to do so. Accept that just maybe her father and your mother actually do have her best interests at heart, and be grateful she has a place to go to get away from the toxic situation in your house.

It’s not your daughter’s job to work to rebuild what YOU see as your family. According to your own words your daughter and your DH have had a bad relationship since an incident when she was 10 years old, and which resulted in his arrest. Stop trying to portray this as a family issue- you have a daughter and you have a husband. You should all work towards a workable coexistence but stop pressuring both of them to have familial bonds that neither of them seem to want.