BM has requested they resume the previous arrangement
BM texted DH today letting him know she's ready to go back to the way things were before.
DH hasn't gotten back to her yet. He says he doesn't really want to, because she's...well... her.
I'm keeping my mouth shut. Part of my is like YES!! DO IT! I NEED A BREAK! but part of me wants things to stay the way things are, because all around, ss's behavior has improved SO MUCH in the last couple months... and I really fear that going back to that witch will make ss severely regress.
He asked me what I thought... I just said that it wasn't my decision to make.
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This is one of those times
This is one of those times where I would step in and give my opinion because my DH would be too close to the situation. If it were me, the fact that SS is doing better and BM is more or less out of my hair/not disrupting my life on a daily basis with constant changes in schedule would be enough for me to tell my DH to file for a formal custody modification.
BM in your case is legitimately mentally ill. She has no business raising SS as the primary, custodial parent. I understand that you need a break, but that can be worked out with DH. Don't let that woman have back the control. It was chaotic, at best, for your life.
ETA: If you don't want to give your input on what he SHOULD do, then give your input on what you EXPECT to happen/not change with whatever decision he makes.
"DH, I won't tell you what is best for you to do, but here is what I expect no matter the decision. I expect SS to behave as he does now, or better. I expect BM to stay off our property and to not drop SS off with my children. I expect routine; no last minute visitation changes except in true emergencies. I expect date nights and alone time when all the kids are with their other parent." Etc, etc, etc.
I’d fight for this one... for
I’d fight for this one... for the good of SS and you. SS for his future and you because she sounds crazy... Keeping her away seems win win to me... Getting a break is as simple as finding a sitter or getting the in laws to take them for a bit! (I know that’s easier said than done. lol)
If things have improved under
If things have improved under this certain arrangements then it's best they stay the way they are.
Like you said you'd like a break but this isn't the way to get it. If the change will impact the boys behavior then it's going to impact your home.
I agree since ss is truly
I agree since ss is truly doing better in your home it is only the right thing to do to keep him stable. YOURS is a strong example of Best Interest of the child.
NOW I will be a smartie pants and add IF ss faked doing poorly at BM's to get custody changed to dad at dads suggestion, well that is messed up.
Your situation is not the case.
If you makes you feel better, I / WE have not had a break for 25 years without kids. (not talking about skids)....but bio kid kids.
Can you ask Granny, YOUR dh's parents if they are living, for 1 night sleep over. Friday around 6pm until 10am Saturday? Short but sweet?
I agree on this find a way to
I agree on this find a way to get a break.
We had SO's kids for 6 weeks in the summer and it was kind of my final test to see if I could be with him long term. BM got them for 2 days during that whole time. Then we asked my mom to keep them for 1 night so we could celebrate our anniversary.
I'll tell you that I learned a lot. I NEED school. The week that they were in day camp was incredible and I worked almost the whole time. It was just knowing they were safe and busy. Their behavior was so much better when we picked them up because they weren't locked inside the whole time. I equate the day camp to school.
Letting my mom watch them one night was also really important. The kids got to have a blast staying with her. She spoiled them a little and we got to have a night to ourselves.
Parents of Biokids have to figure this out also but your relationship is important. It needs to have prioty now and then and there's nothing wrong with getting a babysitter or sending the kids to a trusted adult for a sleep over. Of course don't do this every day but once a month can do wonders for your marriage and your ability to handle the child.
What do the courts say? I
What do the courts say? I thought dh applied for custody change when BM simply dropped SS at your house and didn’t pick him up?
I wish it was that easy.
I wish it was that easy. They signed a temporary custody paper for 90 days... which is now up. The "more permanent" paperwork got put on hold.
90 Days could be enough to
90 Days could be enough to argue though... He’s improved his behavior, AND it’s disruptive to re-move kids after they’ve gotten stable in a home.
Yeah - I just can't add it on
Yeah - I just can't add it on my plate to think about right this minute.... I'll give my thoughts on it to DH, but it's not my beast to tame.
Saturday is a stat holiday (for which we get Monday off) DH's birthday is Sunday... I'm off Friday and Tuesday...My dad's birthday is the following Sunday...
I have to finish another 12 pairs of socks before the end of the month, as well as a couple replacement hat/scarf/mitts sets for the kids...
I have to put up the rest of my cherry tomatoes, clean out the summer garden (bulbs and herbs etc to dry), get the onions and garlic in the ground...
I also have to finish changing out everyone's wardrobes for the colder months... this is just bad timing for me - dh can handle it like a big boy.
Not that ANY of that is more important, but I think it's more important for DH to be the one doing all the legwork.
Oh, so BM is ready to be a
Oh, so BM is ready to be a mommy again? Well, Whoopty Doo! Does she think her four y.o. son was just sitting on a shelf waiting for her??
What is in the child's best interest? To be in the custody of the most stable parent - his father. I hope he files for full custody, citing abandonment. If BM truly wants to be a parent, she'll do what it takes to meet the requirements of the court. It might be the making of her.
this was the time to engage,
this was the time to engage, I would simply tell DH.... well I would like for things to remain as is cause there's a huge improvement in SS behavior, but it' s not really my decision....
then it depends on CO... if DH has custody then BM has to stay with the CO.... I would not change anything with crazy if it's not court approved..
I talked with DH last
I talked with DH last night... and while he thinks that maintaining a relationship with BM is best for SS, he also thinks that too regular of a relationship will just F things up for everyone. He told BM that SS is doing much better in our home, and that if she's going to want more regular access to him, it's going to be done slowly, over time, because she is just too unstable to be in and out of ss's life.
She requested that he call her, so that they could speak, because it was too long a conversation to have over text - and he told her he would, after ss went to bed.
We talked about all of it - I told him that I was skeptical about whether it was in ss's best interest to spend extended periods of time with his mom... poor dh... "but she's his mother!" Yeah, so? She's not good for him.... and I laid it out.
In the last 3 months, ss's behavior went from annoying to normal. He's still got his annoying moments, but hell so do my own kids... that never really goes away... but he says please, thank you, every time... his table manners have improved.. he actually sits for the meal now instead of getting up every 2 seconds to go do something or pick off his dad's plate, doesn't spill things as much... went from being unable to draw a circle to being able to write all the letters of his name... not in the right order, but still... hasn't had a bedwetting accident in nearly 3 months... he's getting to know the "routine" - as in, he doesn't always have to be told what to do - he knows what to do after supper, he knows he has to go put his pjs on, brush his teeth, pick up his toys, and gets ONE episode of paw patrol (or whatever other stupid show he wants), then it's bed, no arguing...
I reminded him that the very few times he DID see his mother during the last few months, he was a total pain in the arse for days afterwards... throwing stuff, hitting, spitting, even... yelling "NO!", tantrum, obnoxious.. and that if he was going to be seeing her more regularly, that we can expect to have to start curbing all that once again...
I suggested that they start by talking on the phone a little more, maybe doing some skype, and we can see how those affects him.. that if he doesn't get all freaky deaky, that maybe they can graduate to a supervised visit, where DH can control the situation - as in, when ss acts like the little sh!t he supposedly would act like with BM (becasue she doesn't parent) that HE can reign ss in and discipline him, so that SS gets the message the behavior is NOT acceptable, anywhere... even with BM...
He wasn't such a fan of that one, and told me he was surprised that I'd suggest DH spending time with BM. Well honey, guess I love the kid more than I despise your b!tch of an ex...
I told him that I still expect that we continue to have some time just us, and that we continue to do it as is...
He asked me to be there when they talked, then told her that he was putting her on speaker phone and that I was present. She didn't put up a fight on that.
She asked him how long he thought she'd go without seeing him - he told her that no, that's not what he said - but rather, that it's going to take time before he's with her for extended periods of time. He told her the things that we discussed, and she was very "that's reasonable" and "I'm ok with that". It was the twilight zone, I swear.
At the end of the conversation, she actually spoke to me and told me she was thankful ss had someone in his life that could take care of him when she couldn't, and that she would love for me to go to their visits because she could use some help learning how to be a better mom.
I just had my mouth open...like... WTF did she just say?! and dh told her that I'd stepped out, I hadn't heard her... because I still hadn't wrapped my head around what just happened and didn't even clue in to respond... they scheduled a phone call for Wednesday night.
They hung up...and dh is just looking at me... I'm like D@MN she must be on some killer meds....
Not so sure I want to be involved in all this... I'm kinda thinking she's saying that crap to lure me in so she can stick a shiv in my neck... lol
All in all, it was a good conversation between them. She didn't raise her voice, she didn't call him any names, she was agreeable and said she understood that dh and I were doing what was best for ss. It was totally mindblowing.
Well that was
Well that was unexpected...
Regarding your participation in all this, your DH can teach her how to be a better parent to their son and teach her how to enforce rules in a way that has been working. You don't need to be in the middle like a referee. These are conversations your DH needs to be having with her as a co-parenting team if that is how they want to play it.
Now, if she asks you a specific question via text or speaker phone, that's up to you whether you want to answer. However, just be careful. Shivving is the #1 cause of death for SMs, and I'd hate to see you be the next victim. It sounds like you are already cautious, so I doubt it will be too big of an issue.