Can my family be saved :(
I feel like I am dying on the inside! My daughter 14 (previous relationship) and my husband just don't get along. They argue and fight. He has been in her life since she was 4 but so much has happened through the years that now that she's older it's getting worse. She can be a handful...always cranky, has an attitude problem, is very disrespectful and while her behavior is unacceptable she is still my daughter and I love her. Its my job to continue to discipline her. My husband holds alot of anger a d resentment toward me and my daughter for major issues that has happened through the years. Police have been involved children services have been involved. This is just a history. The newest incident has been the worse because my daughter left to stay with her day (who has zero communication with me) and said she won't come back because she doesn't feel comfortable around him. While I can't blame her for how she feels I just don't believe in giving up. Am I wrong or crazy for thinking my family can be saved?
- Arisca's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
If by family you mean your
If by family you mean your husband and your daughter living happily together, it looks like that ship has sailed. If you mean them both being happy in their separate home lives, you could achieve that and have a good relationship with both of them, but it might not be easy to get there.
You can live with your husband and see your daughter or you can live with your daughter and see your husband. That is the decision you need to make. Forcing them to to live together, from what you have written, will probably break your marriage and/or your relationship with your daughter.
You had a child with another person. Now it is time to accept that he can raise your daughter in an environment that is more healthy for her, unless you live separately from your husband. Accepting that is not a failure of your parenting skills or a failure of your family but accepting the way things are and making the best of the situation.
Thank you BethAnne...Its so
Thank you BethAnne...Its so much to deal with...I don't want my daughter to feel like I'm just giving her up or choosing my husband over her
It really depends on why your
It really depends on why your daughter refuses to live with your husband. If he has been abusing her and you continue to live with him and stay married to him then she may never forgive you. If they just clash personalities then perhaps when she has matured she will understand better. You could also live separately from your husband so that your daughter can live with you.
I think it's difficult to
I think it's difficult to answer the question of whether or not your family can be saved without having more information?
Why is your daughter so mad at your husband? Did he do something to hurt her? Is she just reacting out of teenage angst? Why does she hate him so much? I think you'd have to really dig deep into what she is upset about and try to figure out if there are issues that can be addressed or if these things can't be overcome.
Maybe it's good for her to live with her dad for a bit and get a break. I've had friends who moved out of their parents' homes and lived with friends in their teen years because they just couldn't get along with their parents. As adults, they had good relationships with their parents. I'm not sure how they resolved their issues, but I think taking their space from their parents helped.
He is very belligerent when
He is very belligerent when he is angry. He demands respect but doesn't really deliver any. The first incident they had was back in 2013 and their relationship has been strained from then. She took something without asking and it spiraled out of control went from 0-100 in a split second. He grabbed her and she screamed then I grabbed him like what are u doing then we got into it...to make a long story short the cops were called and he got arrested. My daughter's BF called ACS and it was messy. Since then my husband and daughter were never the same. The tension was always there. He kept his distance from her and that was hurting me but I realize now that might have been the best thing. Last weekend they went at it again and my daughter actually hit him and he being the "man" that he is went after her and hit her. I was literally in the middle trying to stop them from fighting. Now she definitely doesn't want to come back here with him here and I honestly can't blame her.
I'm going to give her her space but I just think we all need to sit with a professional and get to the bottom of everything. My husband definitely needs help...anger management but I can't force him to go then it he has to do it on it own.
He doesn't realize that he will lose his family because this behavior is not good for our other 3 young children to see.
I feel so helpless and broken
It sounds like your daughter
It sounds like your daughter doesn't give respect, either, though. I would be mad if one of my SSs took something of mine without asking...and my parents would have been mad at me if I took something without asking.
Also, I think you should have stepped in when your daughter hit your husband and not let it escalate. He shouldn't have hit your daughter, but your daughter also shouldn't be hitting people. If I ever hit another person in front of my parents, they would have let me have it. If one of my stepchildren hit me, they would no longer be welcome in my house and if my husband had a problem with that, we'd probably be headed for divorce.
You can't put all of this on your husband and his anger issues. Your daughter has issues, too, that you need to manage and as the parent, you have more control over managing your daughter's issues.
Also, you say your husband avoided your daughter - isn't that good if they don't get along? He can't mend the relationship and it's not his responsibility to do that, either.
You seem to be giving your daughter a lot of power in this situation. She's still a young teenager, so you need to step in and teach her how to behave correctly. Would you like it if as an adult, she resorts to hitting her boyfriend / husband if she doesn't get her way? If I were you, I wouldn't even be thinking about my husband's anger issues at this point, I'd be horrified at how my child was behaving.
Trust me I know that my
Trust me I know that my daughter has a lot of issues I would be the first to tell anyone and I am usually the brink of it. I will never make excuses for her behavior I'm trying my best to show her the right way.
I mentioned my husbands anger issues because in the heat of the moment he doesn't think about any consequences. He brings himself to her level. She's a teenager and he's the adult. Why go back and forth with a child. Why taunt her and go up in her face like you're ready to fight thats when she pushed him. Trust me he can claim self defense all he wants he's a 41 year old man up against a 14 year old girl.
She had no right to hit him. I repeat she had no right to hit him. But he was absolutely wrong for trying to fight her. And I did intervene thats how I kept her off him but it didnt stop him from trying to continue the fight.
Like I said I know my daughter has issues and i talk to her all the time about her behavior. Its our job as adults to lead by example. How can we expect children to behave when we as adults aren't even behaving. He doesn't have to be her BF to be civil.
Yeah, this put this all on a
Yeah, this put this all on a kid. Give the hot-tempered DH some slack since the girl is obviously so disrespectful and has issues. SMH
I'm not saying that her DH
I'm not saying that her DH doesn't bear some responsibility, but to put it all on him is BS, too.
The OP said that after the first incident, her DH avoided her child and that made her upset. Why try to force them together?
Also, the OP is only talking about her husband - you can't control another adult, but you can assert control over your children's behavior. She says her husband demands respect, but doesn't give any, but then she admitted that early in the relationship, her child was totally disrespectful.
I'm not advocating for striking children, but I also think that *parents* in blended families set the tone and if *parents* don't insist that their children respect stepparents early on in the relationship, that usually spells trouble. Most of us complain about how disrespectful our stepkids are and how that drives us crazy.
I'll give an example from my own experience. Early on in my relationship with my SSs, one of them took something of mine and destroyed it, not necessarily on purpose, but he still destroyed it and yes, he knew it was mine. I got angry, noticeably angry, but did not direct my anger at the child (who was 10 at the time). Still, the child got upset and DH comforted him and got angry with me because my anger had made the child upset. I didn't yell at the child and didn't direct my anger at the child, but it was clear that I was angry over something the child did. After DH came after me about it - and did not say anything to his child about destroying something of mine - I seriously thought about whether or not I wanted to continue the relationship with him. I knew that when it came down to it, even if his child were wrong, his child would always be right in his eyes and I wasn't sure I wanted to put myself into that situation. That incident still sits in the back of my head and really colors how I interact with my SSs. I know I can't be myself. I have to be a friendly, nice, never gets angry version of myself around them because "it upsets them" when people are angry. I don't react in anger to anything around them, anymore. That means that sometimes I avoid them - which DH also comments on, saying I'm "pushing the children away." So, as a stepparent, you can often feel like you can't win around children, who get a pass on their bad behavior because they are children of divorce.
OP makes it sound like she's just a passive observer in this situation, when actually she's created it for herself.
Passive...really? Passive you
Passive...really? Passive you say because you live my life...Listen I don't make excuses for my daughter and I definitely won't make any excuses for my husband.
Not once in this thread have I ever said she was right for her behavior. How dare you call me passive when you're not living my life.
I was there telling her to stop it to shut her mouth and that she's crossing the line and going too far. Guess how much more effective I would have been in my efforts had my DH not been there fueling the fire with his horrible remarks about how much better the house would be if she wasn't there. He is the adult in this situation!!!
Fine she's disrespectful i created a little minster that i cant control but let me ask you this Miss Struggling SM what's your solution to disrespectfulness beat her up???
You're passive because you
You're passive because you present this scenario as if you have no control over it...that's what makes you passive. You're asking all of us here if your family can be saved. No, it can't, if you just let everyone else wield all the control.
If you don't like your DH's behavior then tell him he can't be around your daughter instead of being upset when he avoids her. If you think he has anger issues then tell him he has to find a new place to live until he gets help.
If you don't like your daughter's behavior, then set consequences for her bad behavior or require her to go to family therapy.
But if you've figured that out, I'm really not sure what you're looking for here.
This is a place to
This is a place to vent...correct???
You admit your DH has anger
You admit your DH has anger issues, and he laid his hands in anger on your daughter when she was 10 years old. He clocked her again now that she's 14. Believe me, I'm not giving her a pass on the first incident in 2013 or on her hitting him this time around. She was absolutely wrong. That's still no excuse for a grown male to manhandle or hit a young girl. It's no mystery why these two avoid each other, and it's no wonder your daughter doesn't want to come back to your house.
You're right to be concerned how this impacts your other 3 children. They'll live in fear of their father, and not a healthy kind of fear, either. How long will it be before he starts slapping them around?
He is apologetic which is a
He is apologetic which is a stretch for him because he's usually wrong and strong. I think he wants to get help...he made an appointment with our Pastor. I spoke with a Social Worker and she told me to just give my daughter her space for now don't force her to come back because it can get worse. I don't think my husband realizes that had the neighbors called the cops he would have been arrested yet again and even worse the kids could be taken away.
I really hope when we meet with the Pastor he tells him to seek professional help. I can't keep living like this.
The relationship and living
The relationship and living peacefully together between your daughter and this bully are gone. Over. Finished. And frankly, I would not have let the man back in after he was released from his arrest.
Sure, at ten the kid did something she should not have. She took something without asking. But WTF? A knock down in your face brawl between a 10yr old child and a f-ing late 30s something man? Heaven forbid if the child had committed a serious offense. She's a kid. The test boundaries and do stupid selfish things. He was a full grown adult male. He should thank his lucky stars the bio-father didn't plant him three feet under.
Let the teen stay with her father. Should have happened four years ago. Work on your own relationship with your daughter. Visit her outside the home if she is willing. Bring her siblings if she is also willing. Keep any visits with her siblings along light and fun (nothing heavy and no discussing your Dh, the sibling's father).
You've a chance your daughter will be very resentful towards you. And you can not expect a child of 14yr old to view things as a full grown adult. Offer for you and your daughter to do therapy together. Forget the 'family', work on hoping your daughter still wants any part of you. On the other end, demand your DH immediately enroll in anger management classes. He's a bully. He takes things to the extreme and do not fool yourself into thinking he won't do the very same 'big man/stongarm' sh*t to his own young children the first time they so much as defy him. If he ever goes off on them the way he did and does your daughter, you better be ready and able to flee with those kids... you could lose your younger children if you fail to protect them.
I'm not in the mood to read a throng of SMs blabbing off about disrespect skids... let me tell you, once and I'll get off my soapbox. No child, bio or skid deserves to be hit and manhandled for any f-ing reason at any f-ing time. If this was you your DH had hit, not once but twice, every person here would be up in arms. Violence is never the answer. Violence should never be tolerated nor should physical violence be excused. No, not for any reason.
Thank you for keeping it
Thank you for keeping it real...I appreciate it.
Why on earth are you staying
Why on earth are you staying with that jerk? You have already lost one kid because of him. If she reveals what living with your husband is truly like,CPS may pull the other kids from your home.
No man is worth losing your children over.
I don't want to give up on
I don't want to give up on him. I see the good in him...He's a good person despite the obvious. He needs serious help. Its not my job to fix him. I married him and took the oath for better or worst.
None of your children took
None of your children took that oath. They should not have to live with the man you described here simply because you don't want to give up on him.
If your younger kids are lucky, their sister will tell what goes on in your home and a GPS worker will take steps to get them away from your husband
I've actually asked him to
I've actually asked him to leaven before and he refused. Then I took the kids and left and went to stay with my mother. We stayed away 4 months and he vowed to be different. One month later this happens. Wednesday is our meeting with our Pastor. I am preparing my demands. This has got to stop.
This sounds so similar to
This sounds so similar to what I went through. My STBXH has been in my BDs’ life since they were 7 & 10. They used to get along great.
H started getting verbally abusive to them and finally to me. He screamed unforgivable things to me in front of my kids one night. I didn’t leave then but it was the turning point for BD15. She lost all respect for him and defied him. She began talking back. His anger issues led him to screaming at her one night and saying she needs the shit beat out of her.
That was it for me. I had to leave him. The situation was not fixable. I honestly couldn’t blame my BD for her behavior because in her mind, she was protecting me.
My H was not interested in fixing the relationships, he wanted complete submission. He refused to acknowledge that he had wrong in it too. I couldn’t do that to my kids so we split.
You sound like you still love your H so you definitely are torn. I guess it depends on the dynamics of your situation, things we can’t really know.
I hope whatever you decide, you find peace with it. It really sucks to be between 2 people you love.
Thank you
Thank you
This man is an adult, there
This man is an adult, there is NO reason to get physical with a 14 year old.
However, your daughter has issues that have to be addressed as well, or else she will be acting like this when she is 41 as well, regardless of whom you are with or not with too.
Sounds like he is out of control and if a 4 month separation did not help, I am not certain what will....start thinking about an exit strategy, I would advise. At the same time, focus on your daughter's mental health which is your most serious issue after leaving this abusive man behind.
Underneath it all I truly
Underneath it all I truly believe that my husband means well...his intentions are very pure he sees and wants her to be a respectful young lady and grow up to be that way but its his delivery he definitely needs to work on...it taints everything!
He is met with her disrespect and rebellion and I don't think he prepares himself well for that. My problem with him is the fact that he is so prideful and bullheaded and cannot possibly let a child get over on him.(I'm not saying he should...all I'm saying is its pointless going back and forth with a child)
We cannot allow children to have their own way or be manipulative but when we're met with attitude or talking back we CANNOT get down to their levels people. We as adults have to lead by example. We cannot expect them to act appropriately if we don't show them what that is.
I'm not giving my daughter a pass because her behavior was disgusting but I will never agree with the manner in which my husband handled the situation because he is the ADULT and should not only know better but actually DO BETTER!!!
Do I want a divorce...no
Do I want my family to be OK...yes
How...only God knows
oh Dear - this is a tough
oh Dear - this is a tough situation.
As a BM, I would say you are not firm enough with your daughter, I know I'm a BM as well and some times we let things slide.... What do you do when she gives your husband attitude, do you talk to her privately in her room or do you put her on the spot there and then, in front of your husband.
His behavior tells me he has no children and that you talk to your daughter in private and not in front of him,
As a SM, I can relate with your husband, we would like it if you show your bio that we are a united front, if your bio is rude toward us, we want you to act immediately with us standing there, something like.. listen DD, this is my husband, this is our house you will respect him and treat him politely, you do not have to love him but you will show respect in this house and adhere to our rules, the day you contribute financially can be the day you have some say.... I guarantee you your husband will keep quiet and thank you later.
Now the only thing you can do, is leave DD with her bio Dad, she's a rebellious teenage girl, they all are like this, now it's fun staying with Daddy and there's no consequences for her actions cause they are still in the honeymoon stage, but after 3-4 months daddy will start implementing rules, he free roaming days will be over and she will be running back to you... playing victim cause normally you will be soft to her and she can get away with crap again... this is the start of running between houses where it's the most fun. You sit back now and work on your marriage, ask your husband how would he like to handle it and then talk about it, What would he like to change etc. The day DD comes running back cause suddenly her father is an abusive asshole, you smile and say, fine you can come back but this is how it will be from now on... then there's a family meeting with you, DH and DD and you lay down the rules and expectations you and DH agreed upon... and you tell DD this is how it will be if she does not like it she can stay with her father and you will pay CS.
Then to your husband, tell him to disengage, if he has a problem with your daughter he must inform you and keep quiet and you will deal with it at home with DD in his presence...This is the time to become a true parent, you are not going to be popular and you are not going to be her friend... but this couple off month apart will give you and DH time to calm down and work out a plan of action, if your daughter says she will not come back till he's gone, simply say, I'm sorry you feel this way sweety but I'm the adult and you are the child, I will choose my own life partner.....
I've been through the same thing you and your husband are having, I simply told my son I do not care whether he likes my SO or not, he will always respect him, it's part of life, there will be times where you can not stand a person but you remain polite cause it might just be your boss... you as a parent have to teach your kids this..... SO and his daughter sounds like you and your daughter, she got away with everything age 13-18 and now he wants to kick his own daughter out of the house, since I'm not there anymore he discovered what a brat she really is, no self respect and no respect for him, things I've told him for the past 5 years.... since she went into teenage stage, but for him it's too late to change the brat, he's literally counting off the days she leaves..
He's even more at my house then at our house (I moved out 5 years ago and we broke up for about 2 months, we are not 100% back yet cause I refuse to let anything slide, he has allot of changes to do, I'm the one sleeping with him thus I will be his first priority... and I think your husband feels like me)
I've prayed hard about this
I've prayed hard about this and I've decided to let her go. If she "thinks" it'll be better at her dad's then I will support her. It knowing her and knowing him...its only a matter of time before their REAL selves meet.
My husband clearly has issues and he is willing to work on those...I myself have a lot to work on as well.
I believe in working things out and solving problems. Running away from a problem cannot and will not ever solve it or fix it. This is her home and will always be her home. Our door is always be open when she is ready to work on our family issues.