This story is so long I could write for days if I wrote everything but I'm going to keep this somewhat short. I think I am completely resentful & dislike my step kids so much to the point I just want to avoid them forever.

Let me start by saying that it wasn't always like this.. at all but now I can't just turn off feeling this way. It's probably my deepest secret & I really feel like a horrible person because of this. I wish it would just go away so I could learn to actually love them as my own. I decided to come on here because I really want serious advice and answers from people who have been in my position or have had mutual feelings. Please no negative comments.

I married my husband in June of 2017 but we've been together for 2 years. He has three kids, Girl(11), Boy(9) & Girl(3). I have none. I met his kids 3 months after we have been dating. Their mother unfortunately passed away December 2014 when the baby was about 6 months.

When I first met the kids we all got along great. I took them out to the store, mall & parks all the time. Both sides of their family were being difficult trying to "help." DH's side of the family like his mom & sister, said they couldn't watch his kids at all anymore cause they have to work & take care of their own kids but that they'll visit. The kid's grandparents on their mothers side could only watch them every other weekend because they also had to work a lot. I decided I wanted to help watch the kids at the time because I could see that their dad needed some help even though he would not admit it. I promised I would take care of the kids for awhile until we got everything worked out.

DH (bf at the time) & I got an apartment together in April of 2016 & we all moved in together. The kids were happy about it & seemed overall excited that we were all living together. DH worked long hours, I watched the kids & mostly the baby because of course they went to school. I watched the kids full time except every other weekend when they went to their grandmas.

A couple months passed & the girls & I were great at the time. Oldest SD always said she loved me & wanted to bond. But then SS started to give me problems. SD told me that SS never really liked me or wanted me around ever since they met me. SS started not to listen. He was being overall rude, extremely loud & disrespectful. He had an attitude problem that came with a smart mouth so his dad would always see this and would discpline him because of it. But I was mostly the one with the kids so I couldn't call DH every time he wasn't there. I try not get him on the kids & just handle it on my own because I want to stay on their good side so that they know they can come to me & tell me anything. But when they're are fighting bad & I can't control it, I have to call him or when his son won't listen. When I do, his son calls me a snitch under his breathe & acts like he didn't say anything.

I could tell his son was getting a little jealous of me which I understood, thats normal. But it got to the point where he started to hate me. It's not like I was all over their dad, never was in front of them. We did that in private or when we finally got alone time. His son started to give me dirty looks when he thought no one was looking. He made sure his father & I could never sleep in the same bed. Every night before bed he would tell me to make sure & let his father know when he gets home to sleep next to him. This kid would actually wake me up out of my sleep if I was napping with DH & ask me, "to hangout with him." I'm not stupid, I know the kid just wanted me away from his dad because he never wants me around him if his dads not there & he knows never to wake him up. I would get up anyway.

He started to call me names/talk bad about me to his older sister & she would tell me some of it. I always heard him saying things under his breath. I heard him call me stupid to his sister while we were in the car, & she doesnt pay attention to him when he's acting bad. I ignored it too. He would get mad when his father & I were laughing or having too much fun in front of him. SS was only nice when he wanted something such as money, a toy or to go on my phone. After he gets what he wants he goes back to being rude. He also always butts in every conversation in the house. In every single one, whether I would talk to his dad or even the baby. I don't know if thats a territorial thing. His dad doesn't play those games though so I'm glad he tells him not get into our adult conversations.

One time I bought a computer, I would always let the kids on it to watch netflix. One day I had to walk in the room & grab pampers for the baby. Out of no where, this kid lashed out on me & goes "Why are you in here?", "Why are you in our room?". I was shocked that he said this so I said, "excuse me?". He goes, "This is my house", & gave me the most nastiest look ever. I told DH who was in the next room, about the dirty look & his older sister jumped in & said that he always does & needs to stop. DH then yelled at him & told him to stop. He didn't know what he said though.

One time DH & I were arguing & we never argue especially in front of the kids & while we were arguing we saw his son start to laugh & smirk. DH doesnt play those type of games & he sent him to the room & called him out for liking drama. We decided to never argue in front of the kids again. One week later, out of no where his son tells me that he likes seeing me & his dad fight because its funny to him & we should do it more. After he said this I realized this kids gonna get older & smarter & I feel like he might try to start problems. I want to fix this or figure what to do before the problem worsened. DH always reminds me how much he appreciates me & loves me & that I'm their stepmom & that they're my family. He wants us to be "a happy family". I'm just trying to make them happy without being walked on or taken advantage of.

I wasn't going to bring up their bio mom in this cause I don't feel like it's my place to but I know it plays a huge role on why he hates me. It's not directing towards her either & I'm not bringing her up again. DH & oldest SD always say he's a big 'momma's boy' & got his smart mouth from her. He's also the only spitting image of her. His son started to bring up his mom in everything I did. When I would wear my hair in a sock bun he would say "my mom does it better." When his dad picked me up on the shoulders at the beach he'd say, "you do that to mommy, remember". It didn't get me upset at first cause thats his mom so I understand.

One day the oldest daughter had all her moms pounds of makeup & it was cheap & falling apart, making a mess. She asked me to put it on her, so I did but it was breaking & I didn't even know this kid was watching & he yells, "why are you breaking my moms makeup!!!" which didn't make sense one day when I had to run into sephora & get mascara because I didn't have any makeup at all because of our tight budget. SS then tells his dad "mommy never wore any makeup or had any, why does she have to wear it". His dad obviously corrected him because I feel like he was just trying to hurt my feelings. Or when DH & I are talking he just jumps in & brings up his mom into the conversation out of no where.I was trying to be understanding & if he was giving me a hard day, I wouldn't let him play on my phone or buy him anything special that week. Or I would go to his dad but that only made it worse.

Mind you I think he was really starting to stress me out along with other things but this is when I found out I was 6 weeks pregnant. I was on birth control & this was my first ever pregnancy & I started to have so many emotions. Sometimes I would just be in my feelings/stressed/nervous. I was worried about my baby. At this point I was just thinking how annoying SS is & didn't think we could fix our relationship. When I gave DH the news at the time he seemed happy but worried. I don't know if it was cause we were tight on money at the time & NY rent is high plus we were in a tiny 2 BR apt., when both of us are not used to living cramped. I was starting to cry all the time, at first I kept it to myself. I didn't have a good feeling. DH always talked about having kids in the future & I knew he was just trying to get work done & was stressed too. So I understood if he wasn't that excited but it still hurt me. We didn't share the news with anyone yet.

Honestly I started to look forward to those weekend breaks when the children went to their grandmothers & I felt bad about it but I needed alone time. One day the kids went over when their cousins & aunt were there. I was home with DH getting ready to go out to eat with him when I kept getting calls from a private number. Mind you I just got a new number. I picked up & immediately recognized the voice, which was oldest SD. I heard kids laughing along with SS, while SD called me a ''fat b*****" & continued to laugh & hang up. I was shocked by this since we know shes a sweetheart. I wasn't even mad because I'm 105 pounds & 5'0. I was completely disappointed in her & hurt. I told DH what just happened & he didn't believe me, saying his daughter would never curse, maybe it was someone else. I was shocked at him too! Then I get a final call, put it on speaker while they're laughing & handed it to him. He answered & when SD heard his voice she gasped & hung up. He still didn't believe me. I was livid & couldn't believe him, I got upset & didn't want to go out anymore. He left & came back an hour later with food. I was still annoyed. The next day his son calls him & said SD hit him so he's telling on her, that shes prank calling people & cursing. But when DH asked who, he chuckled & said he didn't know. So when they got home the truth came out that SS talks about me to his family & the grandmas on both sides gossip too. I didn't care about any of that I was worried about other things.

Honestly I was getting tired/annoyed with SD & SS. I was worried they wouldn't accept the baby or do stuff out of spite/get jealous. Before I got preg. we were watching a movie about a blended family & SS goes to me, "I will never a have a step brother", in a serious tone. I told DH & he said he doesn't mean that. I was getting upset all the time & I did not know why. I don't know if it was the hormones or what. I miscarried at 10 weeks & it was one of the worst experiences I ever went through. I recently pulled myself out of the misery along with the support of DH. After I lost the baby I was way more emotional & tried to pretend it never happened. I would have random meltdowns alone in the bathroom or bedroom 3x a day. I feel bad for saying this because I know baby SD is innocent & just a toddler but I really didn't want to watch her anymore & every time I looked at her, I would get sad because I know shes not my kid.

We moved out of the apt. April 2017 because the lease was up & we're trying to get a house but I'm really not looking that forward to it. We have everything ready now. I love my husband so much & we got married because we want to be together. I just got my CNA license & I want to go to college for nursing, I don't need the stress. I told DH this & he said nothing will stop me from this & that I should do it. I don't need to hear, ''this is my house" from a kid in the new house that I put so much money, time & effort for, with his dad. I've been less stressed out since I left that tiny apt. This will be the first home I own & I feel like my life is really different than how I pictured it, I feel like I can never have the all white furniture I always wanted or freedom when we're all living together again. I don't want to be picking up after everyone like a maid or for things to get destroyed. I love DH so much, hes my bestfriend & soulmate. He has some of the best qualities in a person that are hard to find. But I'm wondering if we're going to work out. I told him how I feel & he said everything is going to be okay & he'll make me happy but I could tell he was really upset when I said it. We're already so close to leaving NY & going down south, (he has more family down there & businesses). I'm just really nervous that this is a mistake. What do I do? What do we do? If you made it this far, thank you for reading.