I told dh NO Dna test
and I am going to stand by this. The more and more I thought about it the madder I got. So I told him, "I am not a whore and I know who our children belong to and that is you. I won't let you demean me and our relationship by testing our kids to see if I cheated on you."
Dh - Jesus H Christ! DO I have any kids?
Me - You have ours!
DH - Sure they are mine that's why you are freaking out about the DNA test. Wow! Your just like Bm, I can't believe you.
Dh stormed out and I haven't seen him or heard from him since Monday night. He came by the house yesterday and got some clothes while I was at work. His credit cards show he is staying at the Holiday inn near his job. I'm going up there tonight after work to talk to him and let him know that I know he is suffering but he can't treat me and the kids this way anymore.
He also said he was going to fight for ss and that he didn't care if he went bankrupt doing it. I've got to sit down and talk with a lawyer or financial adviser and figure out how to protect myself from his debt. I feel like my world is falling apart and it's all about BM and SS. My life would be perfect without all their bull!
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I suggest you leave him be.
I suggest you leave him be. This is a familiar tactic. You stood up for yourself and your children and he punished you by saying you're just like his ex who cheated on him and got pregnant by another man...? What even is that logic?
He is now further punishing you (and his kids) by leaving and staying somewhere else. I do think he is expecting you to run after him. I suggest making a phone call, or sending an email, and letting him know that you understand that he is suffering and you want to help, but that you will not permit him to take his insecurities out on you and the children. If you want to support him emotionally, let him know that. Let him know that you are ready and willing to talk to him when he is ready to come home. Don't rush after him.
And definitely speak to a lawyer. I'm so sorry this is happening, but what is happening right now is all due to the reaction of your DH. He can't control what BM has done, but he sure can control how he treats his wife and he is choosing very poorly.
Great advice! But I don't
Great advice! But I don't understand this: "Sure they are mine that's why you are freaking out about the DNA test." Isn't that contradictory? He's saying he knows OP's kids are his but still punishing her and their kids for not submitting to him? Please protect yourself.
ETA- hubby is a sarcastic jerk. I didn't get that at first.
I read it more like :
I read it more like : "Suuuure they're mine... That's why you're freaking out about the DNA test." basically, DH feels that OP shouldn't have any problem with submitting her children to DNA testing... Unless she has something to hide. (Cue lightning and thunder)
This is all about him and his
This is all about him and his ego which I don't agree with. He should be leaning on his wife for support not placing blame and being an arse to their kids.
"cue lightning and thunder"
I agree with this. Give him
I agree with this. Give him some time to cool off. Contact him by email or phone or text or to tell him you care about him and you're ready to talk whenever he is. He definitely needs to talk to a counselor to sort out why he is projecting BM's faults on to you.
And, yes, meet with a lawyer to see how you can protect yourself financially from his emotional tantrum that has the potential to bankrupt you.
Honestly, if my DH was mad enough to throw a hissy and stay somewhere else for a few days, I'd let him stew in his own sauce for as long as it took. I can live very nicely without him, and eventually he would have to come home with his tail tucked and talk to me like a grownup.
I aldo suggest you contact a
I aldo suggest you contact a counselor-he needs to talk to somome about this. Taking itnout on you is a poor choice. He needs someone to help him come to terms with this and make a retinal decision instead of lighting his whole life on fire.
I agree he needs a counselor
I agree he needs a counselor to help him deal with this. You also need to go to separate counseling together to work on your communications with him.
1. He feels his life has been turned upside down. Black is white, Down is up.. so even if he no longer was married to the BM.. he thought he could trust that the boy was his. Now that is not the case. It is making him question "everything".
2. He is also having a knee jerk reaction to finding out the child he thought was his.. isn't his child. "I will go bankrupt... etc.. etc.. " all grandiose and desperate statement. This guy is NOT in his right mind right now and not making rational decisions.
3. So.. he is NOT making rational decisions... You blew it in him and told him you were not getting your kids tested.. in his current state, he sees that as a reason to question you. Should he? NO.. but he is not being rational.. the guy is in a panicky state of mind.. very reactionary and not thinking things through. Honestly, while i understand your taking offense, I think that it was a straw that broke your husband's camel... I think that an approach designed to talk him off the ledge was better than another high stakes confrontation. Even if it meant getting the kids tested... so that you could say.. Look, I understand your fear.. (an unrational fear).. but if I agree to the DNA testing, you MUST seek counseling to deal with this. You can't go forward in life with such a negative attitude towards me, our kids and women in general. What one woman did doesn't mean all women do. Unfortunately, your "righteous indignation".. probably was ill timed.
4. As far as pursuing custody for this child. He also will need to come to the realization that this is not really 100% in his hands. He could spend every nickel he owns and it might make no difference. The factors that come into play are going to be things like does the child want to have a relationship with his bio dad? Will he still want one with your DH? What amount of presence does the boy's real father want to have in his life? He may be pursuing access but may not be interested in custody. Then there is the whole messy situation regarding what a judge might decide.. could go any number of ways.
This all sucks for you. You didn't ask for nor did you create the situation your husband finds himself in now. But, you can choose to try to make it better..or you can choose to draw a hard line and push your husband further away.
Rational* sorry
Rational* sorry
You guys are right. I am on
You guys are right. I am on hold with my insurance company to see who we have for coverage. I'm going to call him instead of going to see him and ask him to go to therapy with me. I'm going to let him know I am here for him but you're right about not chasing him.
Yeah. Let him stay away. Keep
Yeah. Let him stay away. Keep copies of the credit card statements. He walked out, he abandoned you, he wants to bankrupt the family fighting for a kid that isn't his (didn't the kid get lippy and Defiant when you first found out?). Find a counselor and consult with a lawyer to protect your assets and future finances.
He could do the swabs for a
He could do the swabs for a DNA test in minutes without getting you involved at all. He just wants to rant and have a mantrum.
I agree with Notasm. He's
I agree with Notasm. He's just not dealing with his emotions and wants to drag you into his pain without doing what he could easily do by himself if paternity was the true issue. He wants an audience for his mantrum and he's decided you are it.
There's a rule in our house: if you're upset and need some time away from everyone, that's fine. Let us know, and knock yourself out hanging out in your room.
He's doing an adult (poorly done) version of this. Let him do what he needs to by himself. But because he is threatening financial ruin, I'd make sure my bases were covered. No sense in you not having the life you want because he can't control his emotions.
I don’t care how much pain he
I don’t care how much pain he is in over SS- lashing out at you and demeaning you, you marriage, and your children is NOT acceptable. Threatening to bankrupt you and your children is NOT acceptable. Abandoning you and your children is NOT acceptable.
If it were me I’d tell him he needs to get his shit together and start acting like you are partners in this, or he needs to stay gone. Allowing him to wallow in histrionics isn’t going to help a damn thing. He needs a reality check.
It would be tempting to give
It would be tempting to give him the DNA results and divorce papers all at the same time.
Your kids will end up having
Your kids will end up having a paternity test if you two end up divorced. He will bring up his doubts and it will be court ordered.
The kids do not need to know what is going on. Being swabbed is not traumatic. If I were you I would agree to it and have a chance of saving my marriage.
Can you turn it into a
Can you turn it into a science fair project? He pays for the kits of course. And how does he plan to make it up to you when the results can me in that you are not the ho he's accusing you of being? I'm thinking a very large rock of a gemstone.
Yes ma'am! I know I'd be
Yes ma'am! I know I'd be genuinely heartbroken if my husband asked this of me though. Especially treating our kids and me the way he is treating OP.
And what IF (astronomical if) OP's kids aren't his? He'll divorce her then bankrupt himself into staying in their lives??
I think the DNA test is going
I think the DNA test is going to be happening either way.
Honestly I wish you luck but I seriously foresee this is the start of the end.
As for fincial ruin. To him it's not about money. It's about keeping his son. He's not going to just give up on the child.
You need to get out because this is only going to get worse.
You know, and I don't know if
You know, and I don't know if this will help, but my SS was 3 when BM finally told the man who she had convinced was his father that SS wasn't his. She had started lingering around SO's work with SS saying "he's yours" and she was looking to set herself up for her next meal ticket thinking that if SO knew SS was his he would take care of them both. At that point in time she had planned leaving Big Daddy for SO. SO didn't buy into her crap and demanded a paternity test. When they found out SS was his, SO didn't want anything to do with BM outside of SS.
We call SS's not-bio dad Big Daddy. Unfortunately for him, he stayed with BM anyway and they had a baby together, SS's Younger Brother YB. BM had pitted Big Daddy and SO against each other for a long while, because I'm pretty sure if there isn't drama in the air she can't breathe it.
Eventually Big Daddy kicked BM to the curb, as he very well should have done in the first place, but SO and Big Daddy made amends and SO makes sure that Big Daddy and his family see SS for birthdays and holidays. Prior to the 2015 CPS incident (Bid Daddy and his GF made a mountain out of a mole hill when YB said his brother "stuck crayons in his butt" trying to say SS was sexually abusing YB and then saying that they thought someone else was abusing both SS and YB) we all hung out together. That little hiccup kind of put a dent in things because Big Daddy and GF refused to tell us what was going on, all we knew was CPS was at our door and they were making those allegations. Things fizzled out though, and while it's not the same, it's not bed either. They pick SS up from time to time.
So there is hope-I don't know if that will help your DH any, but there are good, well intentioned people out there.
Ramblin, as much as his
Ramblin, as much as his request hurt you, I would simply do the DNA tests and let him pay...
Not because I feel hurt, but this would be to help DH getting over the trauma BM caused him with all off this. DH should also get some professional help, and you can do with couple counseling...
I can simply put myself into his shoes, this must be a hell off a shocker after 15 years, imagine what must be going through his head.
This will NOT help him get
This will NOT help him get over anything. Absolutely not. Giving in to the insecurities does NOT make them go away.
again seriously??? next time
again seriously???
next time read my full comment please not only the first sentence... I did say he needs to see some one and couple counseling will do them good.
Counseling is all he needs,
Counseling is all he needs, not for her to first give in to his insecurities. Why on earth would he seek counseling if his tantrums alone get him what he wants?
Next time actually think about the response you're giving to an abusive situation.
I thought she could use the
I thought she could use the "carrot" of the DNA test to make him seek counseling.. both for himself and for them as a couple.
I would tell him that I would be glad to have the kids tested.. if and only after he has gone forward both with an individual and a couples therapy appointment.
Perhaps he might not push for it after he has some counseling to come to grips with what he is dealing with right now.
nope.... him pay... I mean he
nope.... him pay... I mean he pays for the DNA tests..... no carrots nothing....
but the rest is the same... after it is confirmed it's his children, she can suggest some counseling for him and for the both of them.
But if the carrot is the very
But if the carrot is the very thing that the person needs counseling for, that sort of defeats the purpose and makes any self improvement a moot point. It's like telling an alcoholic that you'll get them that expensive bottle of booze if they complete AA.
That's why I said she should
That's why I said she should say that she will get the test done (him pay of course) IF and only WHEN (after)he has sought counseling both for himself and for them as a couple. I mean actually attending a few sessions... not just making an appt.
I did also say that maybe after he goes to counseling that he may not need that testing done any more.
Right now, this guy isn't being rational. It isn't likely to "snap him out of his frenzy" to try to ultimatum or go on the offensive against him.
I think there is likely to be more success in her getting what she wants (her husband to respect and trust her) by the carrot approach vs a stick.
So... should she have to submit her kids? No.. but maybe it's a means to an end here. It's likely that even if he doesn't completely get "over" the betrayal of his EX that he can have his faith in his wife restored... I sort of think this is a case of sometimes we can be Right.. or we can be happy.
If this guy had been an otherwise sterling husband and had mentally gone off the rails over an obviously shocking turn of events... I might see that it was worth the trouble to see if we could fix our lives.
I have not read the responses
I have not read the responses but I am sure mine is different than most.
If this was my husband and he just found out his kid was NOT his kid and he was hurting this much, I would have ordered the DNA test right then to help him try and make some sense of his world now. I would have done it in a heartbeat but told him he needed to get some help.
And to be honest, I don’t really blame him for asking for it or for getting mad that you did not do it. Just think about it…he could very well do it on his own without you knowing. You are not needed for DNA test. But I think he wanted you to say absolutely so that at least one women in his life respects him and is honest with him. It probably threw him for a loop and made him suspicious when you said no.
I really feel bad for all of you. And there is no good way to get over this. He should sue BM for every penny he has ever spent.
Once he gets his head on a little straighter, I would talk to him about you NOT paying one penny for him trying to fight for the kid.
thank you Willow, you said
thank you Willow,
you said what I was thinking, but maybe I did not say it nicely...
I would also do it to show my husband support and I will make sure he gets help.... yes it might hurt allot being accused but you have to imagine what this man is going through currently,
Wow...I just read the
Wow...I just read the responses.
Your DH is being a dick, but he is not abusive. Crap people throw that word out there if the wind blows. He is hurting. And the fact that some of the women “say” they would divorce him and not try to help him, in probably the worst time of his life, is just cold.
Like I said, I feel bad for all of you. And take advice here with a grain of salt. (yes even mine). Do what YOU think is right. 90 percent of advice people give on the internet, is something that they would NEVER do themselves. Good luck hun.
I suggest you read up on
I suggest you read up on abuse tactics before gas lighting people. It isn't always physical. Why does this keep happening here? Men put women through the wringer and others come out in droves to tut tut them for not putting up with it. This is a grown man who needs to act like an adult, just like what's expected of all the women here, and yet he gets a free pass because he's upset about something? What about OP? Is being accused of infidelity and having multiple children that aren't her husband's the best time of HER life? Do people here just have incredibly low standards for men?
LMAO…you may need to read up
LMAO…you may need to read up on gas lighting since you don’t seem to realize you are basically gas lighting in every post you have made here. But people that gaslight like that, and call other people names like gaslighters are the last to realize they are doing it.
I understand that he is hurt
I understand that he is hurt and depressed but instead of leaning on you for support and going through this together, he is alienated you and the children that he has with you.
It is not your fault that his son is not his, and he needs to stop acting like it is. You are supposed to be his family and he's treating you like the enemy. There is no excuse for that.
Yes! A million times this! So
Yes! A million times this! So OP's kids are his. SS still isn't and OP doesn't want him to create debt to fight for SS so either way she'll stay the enemy because she doesn't agree with his plan of action. Apparently SS started mouthing off when he found out who his real dad was so who's to say SS even wants a relationship?
Totally sucky situation. I
Totally sucky situation. I am very sorry for what your going through. I agree with a couple of posters in that i would talk to him about yes on DNA testing, but he needs to go with you to MC and maybe a lawyer together to discuss options in regards to ss and help for him to deal with this trauma.
Honestly, having no kids of my own i can't imagine very well what the pain must be like. But it must be gut wrenching for him. Acute mental trauma basically. You must understand, his ability to trust others has just been shattered. It has nothing to do with you. Its a reaction to the trauma that he is going through. I think your taking very personally something that he mentally probably only has partial control over.
I believe in his mind your drawing a hard line in the sand and showing anger towards him showed him that he can't lean on you. This is one of those situations where understanding and compromise probably needs to come into play more then drawing lines in the sand.
I understand that he's
I understand that he's hurting but didn't you say in another blog that when this child was first born someone told him it wasn't his?
That doesn't negate the pain he's feeling but I'm wondering if he knew all along and he's really angry at himself for no taking action years ago?
I did not read the responses.
I did not read the responses. But I would like to respond directly to OP.
OP I am sorry the subject about paternity is in your home. It is upsetting to both YOU and your husband. As a mother and wife of almost 20 years to the same man, AND now a new Grandmother, if my husband asked me to provide a paternity test for our kids I would without hesitation. I would also do it for my EX husband if he asked me to.
IF my bio daughters were in your position I would urge them to do the same thing. Take it. It will give your husband peace of mind THEN move on.
If you hold the key to give your husband peace of mind why wouldn't you want to?
I do wish you the very best. And again I am sorry. I must be a lot for you to process.
jmo