Dh is demanding a DNA test in OUR children
I guess because bm is a ho all woman are hos. I told him to go ahead and get the dna test done i don't give a damn. I do and I'm mad as hell that he would even consider me on the same level as bm. It's bad enough he has pretty much ignored me and our kids since he got the results. I understand he is depressed and sad. New daddy moved here last week and right now dh has ss eow but he is filing for his rights and dh has a decision to make. To fight well off new daddy in court and risk losing or let ss go and let new daddy adopt him. He is leaning towards fighting. He has figured out how much equity we have in our house (i am not on the loan) and how much in credit cards he has (his name only). He is going to put himself and me into massive debt if he fights this! But my word doesn't matter since all woman are like bm.
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My DH is the same way. He
My DH is the same way. He thinks that all women are like BM as well. He thinks that I am going to cheat on him and we got into a huge fight the other day because he thought that I lied about making a phone call. So since BM is a pathological liar I guess that makes me one as well. So how old is your SS? Does your DH still have to pay CS for a kid that isn't biologically his. I can't believe how some people can sleep with more than once person at the same time and have a kid.
She holds herself as a GOD
She holds herself as a GOD fearing woman. She is always at church and praying for us heathens. I took great joy in spreading around her church that she lied about dh being ss's father. Stupid v!tch!!
Ah, now I understand why you
Ah, now I understand why you don't see your husband's behavior as abusive.
Do you understand that this
Do you understand that this sort of behavior is abusive? It's one thing if there are actual legal preceedings regarding your children requiring paternal proof, but out of nowhere for you to prove to him that you're loyal is absolutely inappropriate. There is nothing, not depression or sadness, that excuses this kind of behavior. At this point, be very VERY thankful that your finances are not tied into the things he is putting on the line right now.
Nothing of what he is going through has to do with you and yet he is using his experiences to punish and control you. Keep this in mind the next time he tries to throw a pity party to excuse his behavior. You have done NOTHING to him and yet you bear the brunt of his abuse. He is in every way capable of controlling how he vents his frustrations and fears and he has chosen you as his target.
https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/domestic-violence-and-abuse.htm
I wouldn't say he is abusive
I wouldn't say he is abusive as much as he is being demeaning towards me and other woman. He is telling his friends who are married to get dna tests done.
Ok, what part of him being
Ok, what part of him being demeaning towards you, his wife, doesn't qualify as abusive? He is inventing hoops that women in his life must leap through in order to prove themselves to him, that is not normal or appropriate. If someone has trust issues that causes them to have problems in relationships, they should go to therapy to figure out how to better express themselves, not demand that those they love routinely submit to genetic testing to satisfy their fears.
This is your path to walk and figure out on your terms. I can't force you to see this behavior for what it is. All I can do is heavily suggest that you seek therapy if possible so a professional can listen to your concerns and help guide you.
Are his friends telling him
Are his friends telling him to go eff himself because how dare he call their wives whores? I get it, it's probably easier for him to live with the narrative that women are sneaky, lying slurs rather than believe he was easily bamboozled. But you didn't do this to him, don't let this man put you down to stroke his own ego. You deserve better.
While I get that this would
While I get that this would be incredibly hurtful to be lumped in the same category.. I think it might be helpful to understand how badly hurt your husband is from this situation. Everything he thought to be true was not. He poured his love and emotions into this child that turns out is not his and is going to be ripped away from him. I guess he wants assurance that it won't happen again.
I know it's not fair to you though and he should really go to therapy to deal with this grief.
I would get the test done then have him go to a counselor to help him with this.
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I can't say that that I'm
I can't say that that I'm surprised. He's going though a lot right now. It's one thing to know you're not the child's father like my DH. I can't imagine if DH found out that SS wasn't his too. I'll never forget the look in my husbands eyes when I asked him what he'd do if SD's real father tried to get custody when CPS took them from BM and DH filed for sole custody. I was heartbreaking. Is your DH seeing a therapist?
Take a step back. I know your
Take a step back. I know your offended but try not to take it personal.
He's hurting. His whole world as he knows it was turned upside down and the child he loves may be ripped from him. He's scared and lost.
I get that your upset because you feel he's basically calling you a cheater. I see it as him trying to stop a downward spin. He's trying to grab onto something and he knows 100% without a doubt that at least the children you share are his.
It's hard to understand from a woman's point of view because we are physically involved every moment but think for a moment if it wasn't that way OR heaven forbid you found out your child wasn't yours because somehow they got switched at birth and now real mama want's her baby. It's happened before and I'm sure it would make you questions everything.
"I get that your upset
"I get that your upset because you feel he's basically calling you a cheater. I see it as him trying to stop a downward spin. He's trying to grab onto something and he knows 100% without a doubt that at least the children you share are his."
Yes ^^This.
OP's husband is understandable depressed. He need support and a shoulder to lean on right now.
He is being absolutely
He is being absolutely ridiculous to request this of his wife. It is deameaning and he can 'go suck rocks' as another poster says.
It is not a ridiculous
It is not a ridiculous request. I saw it coming. If that will help her DH get through this the OP should let her DH get tested. They should both be seeing a therapist.
I would be extremely offended
I would be extremely offended if my "husband" was that insecure in our relationship and yes, he needs serious counseling. Thankfully, my husband knows I'm not a cheating witch like BM so he would never subject our family to that.
Just because you can explain
Just because you can explain or make excuses for it does NOT make it a normal request. If he is this paranoid about future relationships he needs to go to therapy, not demand his children submit to testing so that the world can prove to him that he's a father. When does this end? Where is the line when it's deemed acceptable for a man to accuse his wife of infidelity, without cause, and force his children to prove that they're his just because, Uh oh, he's feeling insecure?
What is with the influx of women on this forum defending abusive behavior from men just because the man was feeling sad?!?
Perfect explanation, thank
Perfect explanation, thank you.
We're all held accountable
We're all held accountable for OUR behavior and yet I see so many people giving these guys a free pass because "oh gawsh you guys, think about how he feels..."
I do! We all do! We know that would suck! I feel bad for the guy, that is terrible news to get. Does it entitle him to have a meltdown, require genetic testing from his other children, completely demean his current wife, and go around telling all of his bros to demean their wives with the same tests and then ignore his children once he finds out they're really his? Is that even a question I am typing out in 2017!?! Where is my mind???
Your mind is in the right
Your mind is in the right place. He is being demeaning to his family. And if Ramblin's kids aren't really his, then what is he going to do?
I don't know about you guys
I don't know about you guys but if I was a guy and I found out one of my kids wasn't mine, I'd be testing them all just to be sure. I think I would NEED to be sure so I could stay close to them.
If you need a test to be
If you need a test to be close to your children, you have much bigger problems than paternity.
This guy needs some serious therapy.
Seriously? You wouldn't be
Seriously? You wouldn't be able to stay close to children you had raised since birth without doing a DNA test just because one from a previous marriage was not yours biologically?
I think ALL kids should be
I think ALL kids should be DNA tested at birth.
And I am sorry for the OP, but I would try to understand her husbands position. What a truly horrible life changing event to find out that your child is not your child. And he is reeling from it. I agree with the poster that said to do the test but do it on the contingent that he goes to therapy. With or without you.
I understand your anger, but what happened to your husband absolutely makes me sick to my stomach.
Yes all kids should be tested
Yes all kids should be tested at birth if the father figure is present. Counseling is a MUST, especially since he has been distant from the family.
Please, that's glossing over
Please, that's glossing over it a bit. Hubby forced the issue of proving that he's the father of the children and now that he's been satisfied with that, he's on to ignoring them. "Good, they're mine. Now to ignore them."
wtf
He hasn't done the test yet.
He hasn't done the test yet. He told me this weekend he wants them tested.
I read that wrong then... My
I read that wrong then... My bad. Your husband is simply ignoring his other children and you until this weekend when they'll get tested to prove that he's the father. Wowsers...
"I think that ALL kids should
"I think that ALL kids should be DNA tested at birth"
WHAT? SMH.
So all mothers should be made to feel that they have to prove to the man they've just had a child with that she's not a cheater? That she's worthy of his trust? She has to prove to him that she and the child are worthy of his love and protection and finances?
What a sad, sad world you must live in.
Lol…I live in a happy happy
Lol…I live in a happy happy world actually. But I am realistic also.
IMHO…DNA testing should be done to establish paternity right off the bat. It protects the mother, father AND the government if there is ever an issue with funding for the child.
It would never make me feel not trusted and not worthy of love if paternity was established on my child at birth. It sure would have saved OPS DH from this horror. Best thing OP can do is try to get him in some therapy to deal with this. No doubt he is being a jackass so maybe some therapy will help him.
I'm glad that you live in a
I'm glad that you live in a happy world. I admit, that was harsh and I'm sorry. It has more to do with me than you or your comment.
My sons look completely different, one looked just like me and my Mothers family. The other looks just like exH's mothers family.
They do not look like brothers at all.
I've never been offended when strangers ask if they have 2 different fathers but I definitely would be if anyone who knew me asked.
I would expect that the man I'm married to know me and trust me enough to never ask for a paternity test. I am not a crazy ho BM, but you'll have to take my word for that.
I do understand in certain circumstances it is called for but not for ALL children.
Having said all of that, I do wish that we lived in more of a matriarchal society, where children were always given the mothers last name.
I don't care about changing your name when you get married but whatever Moms last name is when the child is born is the name that legally goes on the BC. Fathers name can go on the BC (with or without a paternity test lol)
So new daddy doesn't have a
So new daddy doesn't have a heart and wants your DH to sever all ties with SS?? Why can't he just continue to let your DH see SS EOWE or even just once a month? Or is the EOWE, his agreement with BM? and new daddy is filing to get EOWE for himself?
Because the biological dad
Because the biological dad suddenly has a half grown kid and deserves the chance for a full and real relationship.
I would do no such thing.
I would do no such thing. Forget him.
I do not have issue with the
I do not have issue with the request itself as it is understandable that he is feeling insecure after what he discovered about his son. However a conversation where he requests that needs to be very carefully and respectfully approached as obviously the implication is that his wife may be hiding something from him.
These issues would be best worked out with some professional guidance.
I agree with you BethAnne, it
I agree with you BethAnne, it would still hurt to a certain degree but it is a good thing to give him the evidence that his other kids are truly his.
I would however not agree to going into massive debt especially when I am not involved in the decision making process.
Make sure any and all joint credit cards are cancelled and find out if you state requires spouse consent from a spouse not listed on title/deed for re-mortgaging or selling. In Canada most Provinces have some version of a
"Dower Act" so one spouse cannot sell (or mortgage) the property from under the other spouse. It would be worth looking into.
Call me old fashion if you
Call me old fashion if you want to, but I hole heartily support all named bio fathers TO be tested before 1 cent if given to child support.
ALSO, before a fathers name is placed on birth certificate as well. It protects the child when you get down to it. REGARDLESS of martial status. DNA should be mandatory.
Do you have any idea how many 'dads' are not really bio dads.
1 in 25 fathers are NOT the real fathers as mommy claimed they are. This stat is from 2005
As of 2011 the stats dropped to 1 in 10 are falsely accused.
I AM SICK of women playing wheel of fortune with men.
I would be more than happy to agree for my kiddos to take a dna test.
If you have nothing to hide, hide nothing. stop being offended about everything.
PS been married double digit years to my dh,,,,no problem here with dna testing.
So here’s the question. What
So here’s the question. What are you going to do about it?
This is his child. It doesn’t matter what blood says. He raised this child. He invested his time and emotion in this kid. Now it’s going to be taken away.
That can be really hard to understand since you did not share that same bond. As a stepmother many of only accept the child because we understand they are an extension of our partner. Well this one’s biologically not yet this man is willing to fight and go down with the ship for one he sees as his child.
Yes you’re hurt because basically he’s ignoring home. Home’s not in jeopardy at the moment. Clearly it’s going to be though. So decide what you’re going to do. Are you going to get over your wounded pride and stay with him, support him, and be there for him while he figures this out and potentially have a LONG battle in front of you? Are you going to give him an ultimatum, Give up on the kid or I’ll leave? Or just leave?
That’s really your only options as I see it.
Either way he, you, and the children need to seek professional help. Yes he doesn’t trust anything right now. A core belief of his has been shattered. When that happens some people question everything. I wouldn’t be surprised if he starts arguing that the sky is purple next. It’s not you at all but you do have a choice on how you proceed. Either way you’re going to have to get over the DNA test because I don’t see him backing down on that without some serious help first. Decide if it’s worth a fight or not because that’s what it’s becoming.
Wow, I'm pretty surprised at
Wow, I'm pretty surprised at some of the responses here. If my DH found out one of my stepkids wasn't his and then wanted to DNA test OUR kids, I'd tell him to go f*ck himself. BM cheating 27 years ago -- or 2 years ago, whatever- has absolutely zero to do with me and I'd be pissed at my DH for even thinking it. While I would sympathize with what my DH is going through, I'd draw the line at being dragged into BM's whorish ways. Hell. No. DH would need to find some way to get over that nonsense because no way am I going to prove sh-t to him just because a random woman that has nothing to do with me was a big whore.
F*ck. That. Sh*t. is not even a strong enough response to me.
I have a total different view
I have a total different view on this....
Dh is hurt and he wants to make sure, so be it, I will agree to the DNA tests, and he will eat mud pie for years for thinking like I would do the same thing to him as his ex...
My stance on this... I agreed to the DNA testing to give him assurance, he will not bankrupt us fighting for SS, to keep him, he will simply let it go, cause regardless how hard he fights, this is new and exciting to SS.. wow a new person he can manipulate and milk to the bone... and if your SS is half a decent kid, he will simply tell any one.. sorry I'm staying with my current Dad, he raised me he did not ignore me for 15 years..... but there will be no money spend to keep SS.
see every one has to compromise
Play the dignity of yourself
Play the dignity of yourself and your children as cards in a game to get your husband to stop fighting for his SS...
I suppose that compromise could cover whatever that is, if spread thin.
Sounds like DH is going
Sounds like DH is going through a lot... Not even gonna lie, I'd be PISSED. Loyalty and remaining faithful in marriage is SUPER important to me, to the point I rank cheating worse than murder (unpopular opinion I know, but thanks to my childhood I hold firm that emotional scars hurt deeper and longer than physical scars... And that death comes with a finality vs. cheating coming with a "why wasn't I good enough")
My DH was cheated on, during his entire marriage, like a s***f***ing amount of times... Most of it came out near the end, SD8 read a note from her in DH's high school yearbook. I could have told you at that point she wasn't loyal and wasn't planning on being the entire time... But I also just don't like her so I might be biased... Tbh I've thought about how SD8 doesn't really look like DH, SD4 looks exactly like his kid so I'm not worried about that one... I haven't asked cuz I know it could completely break his heart if that happened. That's his kid, he loves her. So I can only imagine what your DH is going through.
DH accused me of cheating once (with my stalker... Cuz the creep tried to find me again after I was married and literally sent s dilusuinal love letter...) anyways, my gut reaction was basically "what the f***?!?! I am not your wh**** of an ex! I haven't even slept with anyone but you!!! The f**^ would I cheat on you for?!?!" Followed with a lot of paranoia that he was comparing me to the beast that is BM... So I totally get your gut reaction to all this s***. It hurts like hell. Probably even more so since he's asking for DNA testing on YOUR kids. But just be patient, part of hi reality shattered as bit. You got this!
Its Kind of one of those
Its Kind of one of those impossible situations in my mind. His world just got blown up, he doesn't know what to think right now. And understandably so. In his mind its a logical request to ease the fear in his mind, however rational or not it is...However, its insulting to you as you see it as totally unfounded because you know what the truth is obviously...
No great answer i suppose, but i would probably lean towards trying not to be too angry at him. Maybe have a conversation about it. Let him know that in light of recent events you understand his reaction, but your not her also and he needs to understand that...
Semi related topic. I have taken two paternity tests to prove that i did not father a child after being approached after a woman got pregnant over the yrs
I also have had one close friend whose wife popped out a baby whose skin was way too dark to match his DNA. Honestly it was one of the most ghastly, horrible days i have witnessed as i was there at the hospital along with the rest of their family for the birth. Everyone was in shock, i snapped him out of it immediately and told him DNA test now and don't put your name on anything. It ended up not being his obviously.
Moral of the story...it happens...way more often then it should.