I hate when I think how much easier my life would be if SS didn't exist
I'm sorry but I HATE the court system. They pull numbers out of their a$$ based on income and take NOTHING into consideration. Example: Oh you don't get off work daily until 330pm? Great! Lets make your scheduled pick up time with your child 3pm. You can lose the money having to leave an hour and 15 minutes early every time you have to get him! It's just a job. Your boss will understand. NO YOUR BOSS DOESN'T HAVE TO UNDERSTAND BECAUSE YOUR COWORKERS HAVE KIDS TOO BUT THEY DON'T GET TO LEAVE EARLY THREE DAYS A WEEK BECAUSE OF IT.
BM wants SS to be enrolled in a sport. BM doesn't DRIVE. She also doesn't want to contribute to costs. But he "should be in sports". SO you get to be guilt tripped and called a crappy parent because you can't afford not only the costs that she REFUSES to share for ss to be in the sport, but you also get to do all the driving to and from practice/games. Oh and btw BM wants you to pick her up too if the game falls on HER time, because she can't drive, but she DESERVES to be picked up. She doesn't have to pay for anything, but she DESERVES to be there. Because even though she guilt-tripped you and called you a crappy father for not putting your son in a sport, now that you have, it is now YOUR fault that HER time with HER son is being taken up by practices. Oh and btw you're STILL a crappy father because now all of your child's games fall on your visitation time, and that isn't good enough "quality one-on-one" time, so therefore you suck again.
Oh, is the electric/trash/water/etc bill for our house due? Oh you can pay it right? I can't pay it because ss needs his fees paid for his sports. Oh I'm sorry we've been eating Ramen and hot dogs all month but after paying CS and sports and health insurance for my kid and I, I just have no money left. But you work 50+ hours a week so you got it, right babe?? I'll get you back. Oh you had to put gas for your car on the credit card because I haven't given back any of the $850 I still owe you when you paid my share of bills since JULY? That sucks. It's okay. I couldn't pay because I had to get my brakes fixed and pay my cs, and ss fees were due for soccer. You can pay it off later. But SS is in SPORTS SO THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS RIGHT??? I'm starting to hate my life.
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Absolutely ridic! Why can't
Absolutely ridic! Why can't your DH just say "no"?? Unbelievable that BM insists on skid being in sports, but can not transport, pay or participate in any way?? So guilty daddy jumps up and says sure! We'll eat hot dogs and ramen by candlelight so we can make BM happy?? What the ever loving F?
.. and please tell me that your DH does not actually pick BM up for games?? Why does she not drive??
The bus stop is right behind
The bus stop is right behind bm house, he has to do all the pick up and drop off. Since BM is home on occasion for these games and DH is picking him up anyway, she invites herself along. Especially since I don't get off work early enough to ride with, she sees it as "alone time" with DH. (not worried about anything going on between them)
BM never got a license, she moved here from CA and just takes the bus everywhere. Her brother lives in the home as well and he drives but depending on his work schedule he won't take her. DH can't say no because he says if he doesn't get ss on some sort of structured schedule before he gets older it will be "too late" and he will "fall down the pit of doom and start doing drugs, getting into trouble, etc". SS has never really had any problems, but DH is worried he will "lose him" since he is getting older.
Ok.. so soccer lasts what?
Ok.. so soccer lasts what? with practices and games maybe 2.5 months?? That's going to change SS life? Or is your DH planning on having him play a sport every season and doing this crap all year round??
Exactly. I never played
Exactly. I never played sports or did any group activities for that matter and my dad thinks I'm a very successful adult. As for the carpooling arrangement and BM not contributing financially yet demanding participation.. just nope.
I don't know any details
I don't know any details about the length of time, haven't seen any paperwork or anything. I assumed it was a year round thing but I was never in sports :?
If it really is only like 2.5 months hot damn that's a lot of freaking money to kick a ball around!! Why doesn't it ever say anything about sports expenses in cs? You'd thing both parents would split costs 50/50 I would if I was a parent.
In Canada we have what are
In Canada we have what are called section 7 expenses, for special or extraordinary costs, sports, dance, music, field trips, daycare, stuff like that.
They take both parents income and they prorate it. So if BM makes 10K and BF makes 10K, it's split 50/50. If BM makes 20K and BF makes 40K, BM pays 33% and BF pays 66%
It's separate from CS and works well, until parents start fighting about what a special or extraordinary cost is.
I get why you are upset I
I get why you are upset I felt the same way until I told my DH how I felt, but your DH needs to get his priorities straight and consider you as well. You should tell him how it feels and that your work your butt off as well so you should be able to have an opinion and your feelings should matter because you are part of the family just as much as the skids are. BM needs to have some boundaries and limited communication. She gets CS correct?
Yes. But she says that's her
Yes. But she says that's her money. (it kind of is but it's for ss too)
Have. SO/DH. Set. Boundaries.
Have. SO/DH. Set. Boundaries. With. The. Ex. I can flat out say, I may have flipped some shit the last time my DH even listened to one of her sob stories, much less drove her places. She wants the kid in sports then she's gonna have to deal. She can find her own ride or tell SS that he can't be in sports because all her "special time" is more important to her than him being able to. I have similar issues with DH having some vague boundaries... But it seriously sounds like you have like none going on there... If he doesn't set boundaries I don't see this going anywhere positive tbh... You'll always be the one paying while he's at BM's beck and call... so talk to him about getting those boundaries in place!
Also set a budget... DH and I have been working on one ourselves and it helps a lot with all the financial stress (sadly doesn't fix it, thanks BM and all your loans in DH's name...) but does help some that we know exactly where money is going to.
Holy crap I would hate my
Holy crap I would hate my life too, if I were you. What's keeping you around? It doesn't seem like your feelings really matter to your husband.
It's not your job to take
It's not your job to take care of them. DH is an adult and the above posters are right, he needs to get his priorities straight.
Those conversations never seem to go well but then again neither does the resentment continuing to live this way will create.
How is your communication with DH?
Your DH is WORTHLESS.
Your DH is WORTHLESS.
DH says he only has a few
DH says he only has a few more years with SS before he might "lose him" to drugs, the streets, peers etc and he's hoping that by getting him into structured sports and teaching him some discipline that he can prevent it from getting out of hand when he starts reaching the age of not giving a ___. He has extreme guilt for not being in the home with his son and has seen countless separated friends with kids on visitation having BIG problems with their kids when they start getting into the double-digits age-wise. He thinks by putting ss in sports he can prevent this from happening. While I agree his heart is in the right place, he didn't pause to consider the financial strain this would cause. SS needs structure, so far he has never had chores, doesn't keep his room clean, it took us over a year to get him to put a single dirty dish in the sink after eating due to daddy guilt. It's nice that he wants to try and "structure" ss life now, but I think he should have started with a few chores and such first then soccer as a reward. Just my opinion.
I have to agree with him on
I have to agree with him on the sports. My kids and skids all played sports and it kept them out of a lot of trouble that we saw other kids getting into.
However, it should not come at the expense of your basic needs.
Could he coach or volunteer? That's how I always kept our costs down.
Sadly they are full.
Sadly they are full.
Well, you know what? If it
Well, you know what? If it is so important to him then he needs to do something to figure out how he will pay for it. Maybe he can do odd jobs in the evenings or weekends? Sell stuff he has lying around?
No reason that YOU should have to subsidize the family budget so the kid can play a spendy sport. Oh.. and it goes without saying that he should be buying supplies for the sports second hand.
Dup
Dup
Things will never change
Things will never change until your DH stops valuing the Ex's opinion about him and his parenting. He needs to let her handle her own problems, pay her own half or let natural consequences happen (the kid doesn't play). Guilt is the main avenue these women use to get their way because it works like a dream.