Need to vent...
I guess I must have jinxed myself on here when I said that I was happy that I am not allowed to watch SD per BM's crazy, controlling issues. I was actually at the point that I was happy I'm not allowed (after 4 years of not being allowed)! I'm now super pissed because apparently 2 weeks ago BM told SO she needed him to take SD this weekend so she can do something I assume with her new bf (IDK b/c SO didn't tell me why). Well SO works this weekend (he works the weekends he doesn't have SD b/c again I'm USUALLY not allowed to watch her). Anyways, he tells me yesterday that I will have SD all day Sunday while he is at work. WTH!?!? Really, now after 4 years I'm allowed to watch her b/c BM has plans and it will help her!?!? Screw that! SO says, "well I was so happy to tell BM that I could take SD and that you would be watching her while I was working so that we can use it against her later when she tries to say you can't watch her again" Um, call me crazy but I'm not as excited about this as he is. I feel like it is just catering to his ex and more of her getting her way when it is convenient to her when any other time it isn't. If he wanted to make a point to BM he could have grown some balls 4 years ago and told her that I would be watching her if necessary on his weekends and if she didn't like it she could take him back to court (which was always her threat). I'm pretty sure if he had let me back then she wouldn't have followed through with her crazy threat of taking him to court over it b/c it would have cost her money to do that and what would she tell the judge, "I don't want his gf/fiance watching my daughter but it is okay that my bf does?!?!" I have 2 kids of my own and no criminal record or any real reason that she doesn't want me to other than she is petty and controlling. I'm pretty sure the judge would have seen through her crap if it had happened and she actually followed through with her threat. The reason that I am now happy that I haven't been allowed to watch her is b/c I have watched her manipulate mommy and daddy for the past 4 years and cause lots of unnecessary drama and I don't want any reason to involved with any of that. If SD doesn't get her way or doesn't like something we have said to her she will either lie about what was said to BM or twist it in a way to look like a victim and then BM causes a bunch of drama and wants to coddle her instead of working with us to find out what really happened! Plus I'm just pissed that SO assumed I had nothing going on and assumed I would want to watch her. I look forward to my weekends without her. It is just so much more calm and relaxing when she isn't there. Ugh!
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he tells me yesterday that I
he tells me yesterday that I will have SD all day Sunday while he is at work.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
My DH does not TELL me what I am doing. And if he did…all I would have to say is NO. Just like you can say NO also. I would have told him right then, that I was not watching her. But it does not sound like you did that.
You are setting a bad precedents by watching her this time. I would tell DH that you thought about it and you just can’t watch her this weekend.
I did tell him NO when he
I did tell him NO when he told me that because he didn't check with me and assumed that I would just be overjoyed to finally have the opportunity to watch her so BM can't say I can't later....um well this is happening 4 years to late in my opinion. He told me via text not in person because I was on my way home from a trip to my mom's. I was also pissed he has known for 2 weeks and just now told me instead of asking me. Trust me I brought all of this up to him.
I also agree that doing it now will not teach BM any lesson about the 4 years of not being allowed or any future times that she won't "allow" me. I think the stronger message would be to tell BM that I can't and don't feel comfortable doing so b/c she believes all the little 1/2 truths SD comes back with to cause problems.
I agree with you 100%
Why didn't he call BM on her
Why didn't he call BM on her pettiness? She's ok with you watching SD when she has something to do, but wants to make a stink when she doesn't have something to do?
And yeah, I agree, your SO was inconsiderate by telling, not asking you. Maybe you should tell him you're busy and he'll need to find someone else or take a day off from work.
Exactly, and since she is
Exactly, and since she is high conflict he doesn't call her on stuff like this. He truly thinks if I watch her this time when she says later that I can't he will have a leg to stand on and use against her....he won't...this is her weekend but she needs him to take her for her plans to work...he has to work so that is the only reason she is "allowing" it. She can still use in the future that she has right to first refusal on his weekends.
I just did tell him that. I told him he could ask his mom (even though it specifically states in their agreement that his mom isn't allowed to watch her) but I'm sure she will be okay with it now since she needs her to!
My DH always loves to think
My DH always loves to think he can "reason" with the high conflict BM in our life, too. I repeatedly point out to him how she's been completely irrational in the past and you can't reason with an "irrational" person.
He just tells me he's an "eternal optimist" and a "trusting person", that's fine and all, but he shouldn't let his optimism turn him into a fool. I also sometimes remind him, that his optimism and trusting nature led him to get married to BM in the first place and led him to have children with her because he thought it would "fix" their relationship...he doesn't really like it when I point that out to him.
It is so frustrating!!!! Of
It is so frustrating!!!! Of course he thinks she will listen when she is all happy because everything is going as she would like. I just know that this won't prove anything to her like he thinks it will. She will still have the right to first refusal on his weekends. This only allows her to get her way despite acting as if I wasn't capable of watching her for the 4 years prior.
He told me he is just tries to do what is right for his daughter. In most cases we talk about whatever is going and I usually agree and if I don't he at least listens to what I have to say. He didn't talk to me about this first and just went with it and I'm not ok with it because her mother has succeeded in driving me away from wanting anything to do with SD. I am not mean to SD but I do just try to disengage as much as possible at this point.
Do not do it. He cannot
Do not do it. He cannot demand that you babysit without checking with you first if it is ok. You cannot let this slide even just this once. He can take the day off work or hire someone else to look after sd or just tell BM that it won't be possible.
I agree! I think I am more
I agree! I think I am more pissed of than anything that he just told me that I would be watching her without even asking first and expects me to be all happy about it! I am not!!!! PTO is a good idea. He can take the day off and I will do whatever I want without them!
In his defense, he probably
In his defense, he probably thought you would be hunky dory with this, because you would feel "honored" that BM finally trusts you with SD. Men generally tend to think in black and white, they don't think about all the peripheral junk like.. why am I catering to BM when it's not my weekend and maybe I should check with my girlfriend first, and I wonder what BM is up to that she has had this sudden change of heart etc etc.
DaizyDuke, you are 100%
DaizyDuke, you are 100% correct on his thinking here and he totally isn't seeing my point because he really thought I would be happy about it. Plus he thinks he can use it against her later but he can't. She still has right to first refusal if he needs a sitter on his time (which is usually a non issue b/c his work schedule is set up to be available on HIS weekends with SD).
So I'm not sure I am
So I'm not sure I am understanding your post correctly because it sounds like you and your SO have been annoyed with BM for the past 4 years that BM refused to allow the SD to come for visitation if dad was not going to be there. Now, BM has plans important enough to her to use you for her free babysitter and you're upset that your SO told her that was fine? To me it seems that you gave your SO mixed messages. Your conversation with DH for the past 4 years should have been something along the lines of "I know you think BM is being a jerk, but honestly, there is really no reason for SD to be here if YOU are not here, as her visitation is to see YOU, not me."
AND to be quite honest, I would NOT be OK with this one bit. BM just did a 180 from not trusting you at all to giving you complete and utter trust? Frankly I'd be afraid of what she might accuse me of doing or not doing and it will be your word against SD word.
DaizyDuke, you are
DaizyDuke, you are understanding this correctly and you do have a valid point. I may have given him mixed messages but not intentionally (and didn't even realize it until you brought it to my attention). It hasn't come up very often because he has his schedule to accommodate SD's weekends with him. This weekend coming up is not his weekend and that is why he is scheduled to work. I only remember one weekend where he had to work on his weekend having her and BM came and got SD while he was at work. You are right though. That should have been my thoughts from the beginning but I had on some rose colored glasses and took offense to it and it annoyed me.
That is another reason I am not okay with it because I know how SD manipulates the two of them and BM believes SD over everything. If I am not alone with her or watching her she can't accuse me or my son of anything (her other scape goat).
This is actually what I told
This is actually what I told him but he is all upset b/c "BM didn't ask me to watch SD, she asked him to take her and he told her that I would be watching her while he was at work and she was okay with it and so now if she tries to "not allow" me again later he can bring this up"...that isn't how BM works though and it won't teach her anything. Plus I have no desire to babysit her. It hasn't come up in years b/c his schedule is off on SD weekends...this coming weekend is BD's weekend.
I am sticking with the NO! I
I am sticking with the NO! I don't care that he is upset. I am also upset and I am under no obligation to cater to BM's needs!
There is no way I would be
There is no way I would be doing this.
I'm glad other people seem to
I'm glad other people seem to understand why I don't want to!
Oh yeah, BM loves to tell DH
Oh yeah, BM loves to tell DH that she has to "sacrifice" all the time by taking time off to be with the kids and how she wants him to take more weekends, so she "can have a break". Of course, she doesn't want DH to take on any more real parenting responsibilities, just wants him to be her babysitter on demand.
StrugglingSM - LOL, all the
StrugglingSM - LOL, all the sacrifices! OMG, I swear your BM must be related to the one I deal with. The fact is that she doesn't allow more time unless it is beneficial to her - case in point right here! Plus my SO has made sacrifices to make sure he is off on his weekends so he can have his SD on his scheduled time otherwise she won't let him have her...I guess up until now when it is for her good! Since he has SD on his only weekends off we really can't go on dates anymore and he doesn't get time with his friends anymore b/c he works so early in the morning he can't go out late. We can't get a sitter during our time b/c BM won't agree to any and call him a bad day if he did give up any of that time! It is lose/lose for us!
So true...DH puts aside
So true...DH puts aside everything on his weekends with his kids. Typically on his weekends without kids, he works on Saturday and then sleeps on Sunday.
BM, meanwhile, goes out with her husband on her weekends with the kids or schedules playdates with their friends, so they're out of the house. I think she's even told SSs that they aren't allowed to do things with their friends when they are with us, because that's their "time with their father."
The kicker for me was over the summer. DH has one week with the kids and just started on a new project at work, so could only take a day off. Therefore, I entertained the kids during the day. When it was time to bring the kids home, BM was out of state - she and her husband had gone to Vegas, not leaving until three days before the kids were supposed to be home. BM didn't tell DH she was gone, but rather told the kids she was gone, but she'd be back by 11pm that evening. Their 15 year old stepbrother was home (it's unclear if he was home for four days by himself). DH texted BM to tell her that he wasn't comfortable leaving the kids with a minor for an extended period of time and he wanted to know when she'd be home. Her retort "well, it's no different than you working during your week with the kids." Um, well, it is different because I'm an adult and I can drive someone to the hospital if they are sick or injured.
She used to get mad if DH left the children with his mother during his week, so he could work, saying how "unfair" that was, but DH doesn't get paid time off, so would she rather he not get paid and not be able to pay his child support or would she rather that he work and have the kids stay with a responsible adult and see them in the evenings.
It bugs me so much when BM's get all in a twist over their ex husbands not spending every minute of their time with the kids. It's as if they feel slighted.
Man, I can so relate to all
Man, I can so relate to all of this. BM is allowed to let SD stay the night with any friend she chooses whether or not we know them. She can do whatever but if we tried to let SD stay the night at a friend's on our weekend it would be hell to pay b/c BM didn't approve of whoever or know them, etc, etc. and it would be so wrong of SO to give up his little time to let her stay somewhere else...unless BM says so...BM has even told SO that he wouldn't be getting SD on his Fri or Sat before b/c she had some party that she really wanted to go to...You know that would never fly if we told her we wanted her on her weekend for a sleepover at some friend's house. It is all about control and making our lives difficult. Meanwhile BM does get every other weekend off to do as she pleases and Weds one week and Tues and Thurs the next. She gets a lot more breaks than we do and acts as if she is the only one caring for SD and capable of making decisions for her.
Oh and I know for a fact she doesn't give SO the right to first refusal when she needs a sitter. She has left her with her ex bf or whoever she sees fit without even notifying us. The double standard is so out of control!
Yeah the double standard is
Yeah the double standard is pretty disgusting. SO and BM share 50/50 and ROFR is after 2 stupid hours. BM works the standard M-F hours and SO works on weekends and days he doesn't have his kids. Their parenting plan clearly states that daycare is subject to ROFR but of course that doesn't apply to BM, but she has no problem telling SO he's violating her ROFR on the rare few days out of the year that he does work when he has the kids and leaves them with his parents. He reminds her that if that's the case, she routinely violates it every day she goes to work and drops the kids off at daycare. Her reply? The kids have a right to daycare and his parents aren't considered daycare. So in other words a daycare provider has a right to watch the kids above a biological parent or even a grandparent/family.. Damn hypocrital witch who conveniently twists anything to suit her.
BM, actually called us part
BM, actually called us part time parents because we used to have kid free weekends, SD at her place and my son at his dad's house. She would always use it against us like she was better than us b/c she had SD so much more (even though that was because she wouldn't allow SO to have more time). Now she is more of a part time parent than either of us. We have a son together that we have 24/7 and my older son's dad is out of the picture. We get SD 2 days a week when it isn't our weekend and EOWE. The major part of my problem with this now is exactly what you stated....it's okay now b/c it benefits her?!?!
I hear you. You, we, are only
I hear you. You, we, are only good enough when no one else is available.
When SGD was born step-son-in-law told me that his kids only had two grandparents, DH and his mother. Subsequently he told me that he and SD only let relatives watch their children.
At first I was hurt, but then decided that if that was what they wanted that was what they'd get. I'm not a relative so no gifts, no cards, babysitting.
Fast forward a few years and there are no "relatives" available to babysit and SD asks me. I respond with you've repeatedly told me that you only let relatives sit. Oh no, she says, we'll let people we know well babysit.
I politely declined.
Ha, exactly, that is my
Ha, exactly, that is my problem with all this and at first I was sad and offended by it but it has been 4 years and I have watched how BM has manipulated SD and how in turn SD has learned to manipulate BM and my SO and I want nothing to do with any of it. That is why I don't want to do it now.
Just don't do it. Save
Just don't do it. Save yourself the grief because you know that this cycle will rinse and repeat. The last thing you need is BM thinking you are a puppet that dances for her when she says its ok.
Dovina, I have confirmed with
Dovina, I have confirmed with him that I am not doing it and told him exactly why I am not doing it. You are correct that it will repeat and BM will continue to use me when it is convenient to do so and I am not okay with that. He did apologize for not asking me first and said he understood why I was upset about that. He doesn't seem to understand why I don't want to do it still though....ugh!
That happened to me after the
That happened to me after the Girhippo decided it would be more convenient to have YSS stay with me whilst Chef did some rare overtime.
I did a Nanny 911 (sorely needed) on YSS and it was never a problem again (being asked to sit YSS)
If you do watch SD (big mistake)it is likely they will critique you into the ground on your parenting skills. Biting the hand that feeds them is HUGE with a crazy PASinator BM.
Ha, I thought about doing it
Ha, I thought about doing it and doing a Nanny 911 type of day but I know that would only cause more problems.
BM already critiques and judges everything I do based on information that comes from a 10 year old and won't listen to SO when he gives the whole story. I know it wouldn't end well if I watched her. I stuck with my no!
After a lot of arguing over it SO did apologize for not asking me before telling BM yes and said he understood why I don't want to do it. It isn't helping him out as it isn't his weekend. I think it is safe to say he won't do that again