Well, as my last post indicated, I have been off on vacation for about a week. It was an illuminating trip, from start to finish.

On Friday, F picked up SD after work. I sat, waiting on pins and needles, to see if he'd ACTUALLY make it back to our home with her, as the 3 of us lived in fear of BM changing her mind and denying SD14 her vacation with us. But lo and behold, they both appeared, and celebratory hugs were shared, we were actually going!

Well, the celebration was a bit premature apparently. Not 15 minutes goes by before BM calls and announces she will not allow SD to go to Ptown. We had announced for months that we had rented a place on the outer cape, but apparently she just realized that trips to Ptown were planned, and she forbid us to take SD there. Her reason? There are gay people there. (no I'm not even kidding).

F protests, saying that we have planned this for months, and several of the activities we had planned, whale watching, deep sea fishing, various museums, shopping etc. were there, and while we weren't staying there, we would be going there on a couple of day trips. F and BM get into a screaming match, and she tells him she's calling her lawyer and the cops and that if he leaves the state with SD, she'll have him arrested. SD is now crying, I'm shaking with anger, and F is on the phone with the police trying to figure out if she can in fact have him arrested. It's about 5:30 on a Friday, so there's no one I can call, no lawyer, nothing, we're just sunk. SD is being berated by her mother, who's saying "I don't understand why the hell he's so interested in taking you anywhere now, he's never done anything for you in the last 14 yrs, or taken you anywhere!" to while SD is tearfully responding "it's not like you ever take me anywhere either!" (true).

We have nothing in writing allowing us to take SD on vacation, and even nothing in writing outlining his specific parental rights to his child. PLEASE don't even get me started on this, let's just say that this incident just illustrated a huge point I have been trying to make to F about the importance of these things in ALL future agreements. Suffice to say, I think he now gets it.

Eventually, he calls BM back, defeated, and promises not to take SD to Ptown. Now, if ANY of you have been there, you'll understand that this is a TRULY ridiculous and insane position. Growing up in MA, I was brought there for MANY years with my parents when I was much younger than SD. Over the years, the place has become more and more touristy, and less "gay". You see far more fat tourists in hawaiian shirts with cameras and fanny packs than you do gay people, by FAR! Not to mention I live and work practically on the campus of a major liberal college campus, where there are probably as many gay people as there are in all of P-town.

ALL THAT ASIDE, what the hell is wrong with gay people!? Especially coming from a woman who just a couple of weeks ago dragged SD out of her room at her moms to watch THE BIRD CAGE with her!?!? And they watch Ellen together all the time! BM does not go to church, does not enrich SD's spiritual life in any way, but apparently hates gay people all of a sudden, unless they're being funny on tv, in which case, they're fine. :? :? :?

And all THAT aside, F would never subject his daughter to an unsafe or unsavory environment, and how dare she imply that he would?

So BM is triumphantly appeased, for the moment, and we try to sit down and have dinner. F is now determined to file custody papers when we return, and has one FINAL FINAL conversation with SD, asking her if moving in with us is truly what she wants, assuring her that if she has changed her mind now we won't be angry, and we will support her in every way, reminding her that it's possible that life at her moms may get really hard for a while while all this is being worked out, and is she sure, etc. etc. In the course of this conversation, we discovered that BM apparently has recently slapped SD on several ocassions, and that specific members of BM's family have told SD that they wish to see her move in with us. SD, in tears, reports how other family members see how she can not do right with her mother, and her attempts, even as a small child, to make her mother happy always failed. After hearing all this, and hearing her mother screaming about gay people, we're even more determined to get SD out of there.

Nobody ate much at dinner that night. just as I was doing the dishes, F's phone rings again. It's BM, all nice, telling SD that she "forgot" money that her grandfather had given her to buy something for her half sister, and we should come over right away and get it, her husband chiming in the backround to come over RIGHT NOW. She said she'd ask her dad, and hung up.

Ladies, I KNEW beyond a shadow of a doubt that no good would come of them both going over there. I KNEW that BM's husband would start trouble with F, and at the very least, not allow SD to leave again, and at worst, actually instigate a physical altercation with F, and end up having him arrested. This is only supported by the fact that apparently BM took the money in question away from SD until SD satisfactorily cleaned the ENTIRE HOUSE before leaving for her vacation, and since her husband wasn't satisfied with the job she did, he told her she could not have the money when she left.

So now all of a sudden they changed their mind about the money, and it was imperative for SD and F to come over right away to get it? NO WAY.
I asked SD how much money it was, and upon finding out this is all over 20 dollars, hardly even worth the gas to drive over there, I gave her the money and told her to call her mother back and say we were happy to lend SD the money to buy something for her little sister, and no trip over to their house would be neccessary.

I could hear BM and her husband arguing about it on the phone, interrogating SD for WHY we wouldn't drive over there, etc. but eventually SD hung up, and the subject was supposedly closed.

The rest of the night, F was miserable. He was so stressed out by all this, and just KNEW she would pull something while we were gone, plus, our vacation that we had planned for months just had about half the activities planned cut out of it for no reason other than BM's ignorance. I for one, was FUMING. I know I should try to be a bigger person here, and not be vengeful, but I don't have a lot of money, nor do I have a lot of time off, and F has even less of both. I wait all year for my one week of time away, my one trip, and this evil troll manages to ruin it, not just for me, but for those that I love. Even if it's all fine, what she put my F through will take it's toll for the next week, and I for one am NOT going to forget this if and when we have custody.

But she wasn't done yet.

Next day we were on the road bright and early. about an hour into the trip. BM calls and asks when we're coming for the money. We're not, as SD reminded her, which brings more yelling. BM tells SD to call her when we get to the house, and hangs up.

We get there, after hours of driving, and have to call to check in.

The next morning, guess who calls again. BM. She insisted on talking to SD at LEAST once a day the entire time we were gone! Interrogating her, several times to the point of tears, about where we were, what we were doing, etc. Every time F's phone rang, all three of us completely tensed up, and basically ended up standing around, slowly getting poisoned by her interruptions. The tone of these interrogations was never a pleasant one, it was never "hi honey, are you having fun?" I could hear her on the phone next to me, it was "where have you been? What did he buy you? SOmetimes she'd even have her 2 yr old call, and scream on the phone, like that's supposed to make SD homesick or something for the brat she's saddled with caring for all the time?

We did manage to have some fun on our trip, and enjoy our time together, but always with the specter of BM hanging over us. We got home Sat, and BM called and said SD needed 100 dollars for her cheerleading sneakers (1 pair! and part of her uniform) by today. At this point I flipped out, b/c we had planned to serve BM with custody papers this week, which ultimately will mean she won't even be going to that school anymore, and thus this 100 dollars is completely thrown away. Of course, BM kindly says it's only going to be 80 though, b/c she still has the 20 dollars the grandfather had given. So thanks F for buying BM's brat a gift!

So F and I fought about this. He doesn't have much money, and filing the papers is going to cost $300 which I am going to have to give him, meanwhile, he's throwing his money away on stuff for SD that she won't even be using. I told him to tell BM if cheerleading was so important to her, BM could pay for it out of her child support, but F said like every time before, if he tried that, she'd just tell SD that F was too cheap to pay for her sports, and so she couldn't do any. I told F in the course of this argument that ALL of us are going to have to make some sacrifices to make this happen for SD, including SD.

On this vacation I learned, what many of you ladies I'm sure already know, that by accepting custody of a skid, you are giving up many adult pleasures, such as a romantic dinner with your husband, a trip to an adult show, a music performance at a bar, things like that. I love SD, and I'm willing to make this sacrifice. F is going to have to drop some of his overtime at work, he's going to have to drive her places, chip in making dinner, etc. And the money, at least in the beginning, is going to be so hard. The initial filing fee is one thing, but we're going to have to hire a lawyer, and pay for that ourselves, and continue to pay child support until this is resolved, and it's going to be really tight for us as a result, and F refuses to ask SD to sacrifice a sport at a school she, if she gets her way, wont' even be going to in a few weeks. He says she wants a fall back, in case it doesn't work out, and I guess, trying to be rational, it will only make him look better when we go to court to show that no matter what the outcome, he's commited her providing for her, it just sucks.

To make matters worse, as some of you suggested I tried to hook SD up with a counselor in anticipation of all this beginning, but found out that without a diagnosis, mental health visits are not covered by F's insurance. So unless her primary care diagnoses her as depressed or something, we're going to have to pay through the teeth for any help for her.

*sigh* really trying to do the right thing here ladies, but it seems so impossible. I'm glad all of you enjoyed your time together, and look forward to reading your stories today....