The BM in my situation has 4 kids with 3 daddys...She has custody of ZERO. There is not a motherly bone in her body.

I find it really sad. Many here know my situation. My biggest thing is how my SS's BM could just walk away and have no contact but go on to have three more children with her current husband. How do you do that? I may never know.

I guess I just don't understand this mentality. I mean, I DO, I'm a social worker, I see this kind of crapola every day. But I could never in a billion years even think about giving up my child. Especially because I'm inconvenienced. That's just BS.

I think you're right- some women just aren't wired that way. BM is like that- motherhood is all about how much attention SHE can get. She's very Munchausen-y, but with issues instead of illness. How many issues can I say my kids have so I get all kinds of attention for being the poor, suffering mother? Ugh. She gives me the heebie jeebies.

I don't understand it either. At all. But concerns like that are the reason I NEVER, EVER suggest a childless-by-choice person need kids to be fulfilled. And I really respect my friend for saying "I don't want kids" and sticking to it. I heard someone who didn't like kids say once that "Everyone says it's different when it's your own kid, but that seems like an awfully big risk to take. It's not like these are boots I can resell if I don't like them. They're referring to another human being with feelings and needs."

The most heartbreaking thing is that the ones who suffer the most are the kids who can't understand why mommy (or daddy) doesn't love them anymore.

BMs reasoning for not being involved is always selfish... It's never about wanting SD to have a better life (which she DOES have with us so whatever) it's always about how hard it is to be a parent. She says things like "you don't understand how hard it is for me. my doctor won't let me work and go to school because of my anxiety. i cant get up in the morning with SD when she's here because of my insomnia so i don't want her here. i barely can afford food for myself let alone food to feed her so what do you expect?" but it all comes down to this: she simply does not love SD.

There is NO way she has any love in her heart for her daughter. When you love someone you do NOT come up with excuses to not spend time with them/take care of them. She acts like she's the victim when DH asks her to try harder. She won't give up her rights (because she doesn't want to be known as the woman who gave up rights, i'm guessing) but she won't put the effort in, which is heartbreaking because her daughter is starting to grow up and notice that mommy doesn't really care.

I find it so, so creepy... like incredibly creepy. I just don't understand how you can carry something for 9 months, give birth, and than not really care about it. I'm so sick of the excuses and it makes me feel like crap because I certainly can't give SD the kind of love she SHOULD have from her mother. I wish I could, but I can't... it's just not the same.

I would really love to know the reasons for doing that. Can you give us more examples of why? As a stepmother of a kid whose mother did give her up. I'm super curious.

Welp, Medusa is closing in on six years since she's laid eyes on her own children.

All those birthdays, Christmases, a fifth grade promotion, three middle school promotions and so far, one high school graduation. Two driver's licenses, two proms, two homecomings and countless outstanding drawings and musical compositions. Scores of choir and band concerts, not to mention a boatload of tae kwon do competitions.

I just don't get it. I really don't.

We are only a year and half into this same situation. SS15 sees it as his BM never really wanted him, just wanted SS19 so she purposely made it so he wanted to come live with SO when SS19 went to college. She does the MOTY whenever there is a picture of the three of them. Only two is the last year and half - Easter because his great grandmother died and his birthday only because SS19 was home for SS15 birthday and told BM that he was bringing his brother to dinner with him. She didn't invite SS15.

SO tells me that she is a very selfish woman and really didn't want either of the kids, but her friends and family think she is the best mom on earth.

It breaks my heart for SS - he gets so upset when she invites SS19 to family functions and never reaches out to SS15.

I'm wondering if those posts are serious or the venting of an overwhelmed person fantasizing about being able to pee without an audience.

I know there are some parents that don't stand by their kids. I guess there can be several factors at play.

1. Mental health. Some people may have serious defects they are dealing with
2. Youth. I can definitely see a young girl or boy (even just young man or woman) wanting to abdicate or have a "do over" and not have that responsibility when all their friends are out having a good time and they are stuck watching barney.
3. Toxic EX. Some exes may be so toxic that they would be willing to give up the child in order to not ever have to deal with that EX again. (or in the extreme.. rapist or something like that).
4. Then there are the plain old selfish people. Tends to be men more.. their biology wires them to spread seed and not worry to much about the aftermath. Women are supposed to be more protective of their young..
5. Finally, there may be people that just should have known better. They got talked into having a child and knew it wasn't for them but was trying "for the relationship".

I think this issue actually has a societal component as well. For the most part, we are taught that all women should want to be mothers and that women who don't have or don't want children are somehow flawed. There are likely some women who have children because they think that's what expected of them or that's what they're supposed to do.

We also have this myth that parenting is the most rewarding experience one can hope for in life. I think for some people it is, but for others it isn't. This likely creates unrealistic expectations and when those expectations aren't met, some people may regret having children.

A lot of people also have children thinking it will "fix" things in their lives - not feeling loved by anyone, feeling as if it will bring their relationship back on track, etc - those people will quickly discover that having children creates new problems, it doesn't fix old ones.

Many parents love to pressure their childless friends into having children. It's not just mothers and grandmothers who ask "when are you having children?" Complete strangers feel ok asking both married and unmarried women when they plan to procreate.

It's the same as people who get married for the wrong reasons and then wind up divorced, if you have a child for the wrong reasons, you'll likely wind up as an unhappy parent.

Was it a moment? Or a well thought-out plan?

In the FB circumstance, it could have just been a vent during a really bad day/week. I have a newborn right now and I have had days where I have cried nonstop and wondered exactly why we decided to do this. It's HARD. It doesn't help that our families are 1000 miles away and we have pretty much no friends in this new town so we virtually have no help. We are also in a very hard spot financially right now as well. The stress from trying to figure out how we can afford diapers, formula AND groceries on top of trying to figure out how to pay the $$$$ hospital bills doesn't help.

But at the end of the day, I could never walk away from my baby. I look forward to the class parties, sports and graduations. I love the snuggles, the smiles, the FARTS (lol puts DH to shame sometimes). I wouldn't judge a person based off of one facebook comment. It's not only stepparents that need to vent lol!

A lot of parents do that. Men and women alike.

My dad had sole custody of his 2 boys from his first marriage. The mother wanted nothing to do with them after they split. She didn't even show up at the hospital, funeral home, or church when the younger of the two died at 17 years old. She never even attempted to contact them until this past year. The older of the 2 got a Facebook request from her. He's in his late 30s. He was about 2-3 years old the last time she saw him.

My ex-stepdad had custody of all 5 of his boys from a previous marriage. When they first split she gave him the oldest 2 and only wanted the younger 3. As they got older they all got sent to live with him. There was about 10 years where they didn't see or hear from her. Now that they are all adults they are all Facebook friends but their BM rarely sees them or their children.

BM gave SS and SD to her mother when SS had just turned 2 and SD was a newborn; She rarely saw them and didn't provide a single thing for them. When SD was almost 2 BM got arrested for the umpteenth time and her family refused to bail her out unless she moved to GBM's house and helped raise the skids. The was basically a live in day time nanny. When GBM got off work BM bounced and didn't come back until the wee hours of the night. She was only living with them about 2 and a half years when CPS took them away for neglect. DH was granted sole custody. They lived with us for 2 years only seeing or talking to her about 6 times. She's told us that she has no intention of trying to get any sort of custody of the skids. When she got sent to rehab by the court she finally started calling them 1-2 times a week and trying to see them at least once a month. She moved 3 hours away and has no plans of returning to our town.

My brother's ex remarried to a man that has custody of his kids because the BM wouldn't take care of them. She didn't even try to fight for parenting time in court.

One of my brothers had custody of his oldest son because the mother ran out of chances with CPS and horrible living environments. She has went years without trying to see him. My brother only had custody about a year and he dumped him at out parents house. They raised him from 2 years old. He is 15 now and still living with them.

I work with a young man that has custody of his daughter because the mother flat out doesn't want the responsibilities of raising a child. She's that self centered. She doesn't even see the child and they live with 10 minutes of each other. The GBM even filed for grandparents rights and "won" by mutual agreement. If the BM doesn't pick the child up for the week ends the maternal grandparents get the child for the visit.

Because sometimes those happy smiling pictures are fake. Some woman use their children to make themselves look good. Once they stop getting the positive attention and have to start being a real parent through the good and the bad they become resentful. They want their life back and they blame the kid. So the logic is "get rid of the kid, get rid of the problem."

How can BM's post about how wonderful of parents they are when every other day they are leaving the kid with who knows who so they can go play? Just look at the stories you see here and you can see why people do it.

Some people understand that when a child is born it's not about you anymore. It's about them. Sure you still need me time and couple time but people don't like sacrificing.

Plenty of my students either have never met or only saw either parent few times in their lives. The most bizarre cases are when bio parents aren't there until kids get older and then they mysteriously show up and want to play family. Sad.

My adopted nephew's bio father terminated his own parental rights. Last year he wanted to come visit and ask my college age nephew to buy him plane ticket so he can come visit him. My poor nephew did. Imagine that. His bio-dad came with a visit and was either drugged up or sick from drug withdrawal because I don't think he could take his drugs on a plane. It was so awful that I think my nephew will not ever want to repeat that. He was so upset, poor kid.

I guess everyone is different in the care they can provide for their child. I think this child has a better chance in life without the mother. Hopefully he will be loved by a caring family.

BM has a pic of SS smiling with his sister, cousin, stepsister on her cover photo. But how does she actually treat him? Like s#it. It's all about appearances.

I don't get it either, DaizyDuke, and it's timely you should bring this subject up.

My BIL's ex-fiancé left him a little over a week ago. She accepted a job offer in a city, 8 hours away, had him under the assumption that he and their child were going too, even quit his job, and she told him no. You're staying here with our child. I'm done with you and I'm done with being a mom. And HER mother fully supports her daughter doing this.

Their child is going to be 3 in December.

But, like ESMOD stated, I partly believe that a woman can be driven to being done, with it all, day-to-day motherhood included, because their SO/DH is toxic beyond repair.

That's definitely the case here. My BIL is a raging alcoholic. 36 years old, fully enabled by my inlaws (mainly MIL) to not get better.