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Losing it.

AndSoItIs's picture

Submitted by AndSoItIs on Sat, 05/05/2012 - 1:49pm

I need to be asleep. I worked last night and have to tonight as well. The skids are here though, and even though I could nap on the couch, but I can't calm my brain down enough to even think about it. Instead I find myself consumed with researching and reading every article, and everything ever written on the Internet about dads winning custody, stepmothers testimony in custody hearings, what I should be wearing, what I should and should not say. I know all of these things. I have gotten everything ready for DH, we met with our lawyer, all of our ducks are in a row. But now I'm obsessed and am second guessing everything. What I'd the judge forgets that he put her on supervised probation once for perjury, and unsupervised visitation one for perjury and once for false report? What if the judge doesn't care what the gal, teachers, daycare workers, or anyone else says? What if I choke on the stand and IM the reason we lose? I can't sleep. I am on the verge of tears and have had horrible acid reflux all day. I've stuffed myself so much so that I can barely breathe. What if she makes things up? What if I break down on the stand? Why won't my fucking doctor give me a
PRN xanex?! Why must this bitch be crazy and nearly guarantee I will have to pee in a fucking cup Monday so I can't even take a xanex from my mother?! I'm falling apart.

I've never felt so out of control of anything in my entire life and I hate this feeling. Ican handle nearly anything. I've handled schizophrenics that have thought they were Jesus and put their hands through the metal bars outside their window in their room. I've handled a crazy that thought he was Charles Manson and ground his teeth so hard they sounded like it was a paper bag crinkling and that told me he was going to kill one of my staff and eat her. Ive handled being attacked physically, peed on and at, teeth spit out at me. And for some reason I'm letting having to answer a few questions get to me like this. I'm literally going to new to book a stay in my facility soon if something doesn't give. I need to make it to Monday. That's it. Monday. Gosh I feel like I'm spiraling quickly though.

Comments

IAmALady77's picture

Submitted by IAmALady77 on Sat, 05/05/2012 - 2:14pm

POSITIVE THOUGHTS!!! (hugs) Just do as BB said, take some deep breaths. Can you take an OTC sleep aid maybe just to get through the weekend? Anxiety is a bitch but you can't let it take over your mind no matter how hard it is! You will get through this, I read your past blogs and you HAVE A STRONG CASE! And even if (IF) it doesn't go according to plan, all the ladies and gents from Stalk are here for you! Stay strong hun you got this! Biggrin

As for what to wear? Try to look motherly and respectable, but not too motherly. Think nice pencil skirt or slacks with a white button up. Maybe a sweater, low pumps or flats. No jeans, no tennys. As for what to say? Follow the script your lawyer gave you and no matter what you say ALWAYS make it about the best interests of the children Smile Testifying in court is stressful for anyone.
It can be very intimidating, it's only human nature Smile

What helps me is to remember that the judge is just a normal person just like you, as is everyone else in the courtroom. I tend to put authority figures on a pedestal lol

You are going to do fine! I don't really pray but I will be sending positive vibes your way!

AndSoItIs's picture

Submitted by AndSoItIs on Sat, 05/05/2012 - 2:39pm

Thanks so much. It's comforting to know that people I don't even know are on "my" side in this. Bc sometimes I feel like I don't even have a side. It's DH and BM. Which it is. Well, it's about the skids. But regardless of all that, its not about me at all. Yet, I feel like I'm the one soon everything. DH is stressed but he is one of those that internalizes. BM? Ha! She's probably not even worried about it at all.

I already have my outfit hanging in my closet in the dry cleaning bag. Lightish gray skirt suit with a pale pink blouse underneath the jacket. Black ballet flats. I'm only 5ft (well, 4'11") but one of our attys female partners said flats would make me look more "innocent" and "desirable". And pearls, always always pearls.

I've taken 3 ibuprofen PM and while I FEEl exhausted I just lay there and toss and turn. Skids go to BM tomorrow afternoon, and I'm off tomorrow night so I will hopefully be able to sleep then. If I find I can't, I will drink myself to sleep if I have to. I can NOT be exhausted for court. I WILL have a mental break down.

I'm really just hoping that I don't get to work tonight and have to deal with some whiney bitch new admission 18 year old girl brought to us bc she is suicidal and I have to hear about how fucking hard her life is. Then I might now only lose my mind, but also my job.

This is to everyone on this site, thank you so much for your continued support. This is honestly the hardest thin I have ever put myself through emotionally, and mentally. Monday. Win, lose, or draw, it will be that way at least until next tax season when BM can "afford" to file petition to modify papers again. I can deal with her craziness on a day to day level in regard to calling DCS constantly, being childish with teachers, and PASing the skids. All of those things I can handle and will only assume if we do prevail in court she will either drop off the face of the planet (like we could ever get that lucky) or will put everything in to overdrive to try and ensure our lives are hell. What I can't handle is my character being called in to question and bring torn apart on a witness stand. And for what? Oh thats right, trying to do the RIGHT and GOOD thing by these children, and for loving them more than they've deserved lately. For doing homework, making dinner, givin baths, answering hard questions without ever speaking badly of her. For essentially giving up my lifelong (however short that may be) dream of my perfect happy little family for them, and for never saying a fucking word about it.

I thought I was a good person. This makes me question it all and assume I must've been a fucking wicked bitch in a past life to have acquired all of this shitty karma. I have devoted my career to helping people. I see my patients come in broken and leave put back together by my staff and I. I am great at my job. I pour my heart and soul in to it. I so badly wanted this situation to be like that and I keep looking for some light argue end of the tunnel. I keep reminding myself that no two patients are alike, and that each requires an individual care plan. Maybe I should write a care plan for this. For the skids. That will keep my mind occupied for a while while also still feeling like I'm in control over it, even though I have no delusions that I actually am.

3familiesIn1's picture

Submitted by 3familiesIn1 on Sat, 05/05/2012 - 2:42pm

Judge - person with a job.
Lawyer - person with a job.

These people are just people, with families, and incomes and bills and a dog. They are no better than you - they just followed a different path of training in life.

Its funny, I am an engineer, my BD7s friends mom is a Dr. We had them over for dinner, I was feeling very 'small' around the Dr lady - she says, is that your office? i said yes, i have all sorts of devices in there I work with - she says, WOW! You must have to be really smart to be able to do all of that.

I was like, huh? Me? Smart? says the Dr..... lol I was like, um well um its just training.

So remember, they are just people doing their crappy job and nothing more - do not be intimidated, just go do your thing.

AndSoItIs's picture

Submitted by AndSoItIs on Sat, 05/05/2012 - 2:46pm

Thanks. I need to just keep reminding myself this.
BMs lawyer- bottom feeder with a job.
BM- vampire with a part time job, no education, and frizzy hair, oh and bad clothes.
Me- person with a masters while 5 years younger than BM, a wonderful husband, a supportive family, and a fantastic job that I worked my butt off for, and that "presents well" according to our atty and gal.

Putting it in to those terms makes it seem more manageable. Thank you.

3familiesIn1's picture

Submitted by 3familiesIn1 on Sat, 05/05/2012 - 3:44pm

I know for fact BM is extremely intimidated by me - its why she reacts the way she does. I try to remember that I have the upper hand, always - even if sometimes it doesn't feel like it.

BM - unattractive, older than DH, produced 2 children which are borderline unmanageable, alone, scared, threw away everything

ME - attractive, in good health and shape, produced 2 hard working respectful children, get along with my XH enough to parent properly, have a wonderful husband, have the life she wants

It may sound petty, but if I can remember those terms, I regain my confidence when in 'her' presence and I win the war. Better than feeling like I am going to puke when I know we are encountering her.

Crumble AFTER the testimony with a glass of wine and lots of chocolate.

AndSoItIs's picture

Submitted by AndSoItIs on Sat, 05/05/2012 - 4:27pm

I don't like chocolate (I know, I'm crazy in my own right) but I plan to drink copious amounts of wine!! Except that I have to go in to work afterwards but that's okay. Luckily for me my coworkers understand and I have now moved in to my bigger office so I can just close the door for a while and cry if I need to. Regardless of what happens I have a feeling I'm going to be doing a lot of crying either way. With having these feelings building and building so much over so long I have a feeling that crying would be incredibly therapeutic. I need to schedule a massage for Monday afternoon before I go in to work and just cry during the whole hour.