Advice for dealing with socially inept teen?
Help! My 13 year old SD has limited social skills and is super awkward socially. I've noticed odd behavior that is concerning to me and brought it up to my DH and he gets defensive and shuts down. We only have her every other weekend so time is limited as to helping her when she's around us.
Here are a few traits:
anxious and unsure what to say in social situations
does not make eye contact
has an extremely odd and gangly gait
very odd sense of humor full of puns
doesn't get sarcasm
takes everything literally
super naive about the world in general
easily distracted and fidgety
does not know when it is her turn to talk in a conversation
stumbles and trips very often
does not know appropriate space to leave between people when talking
wears inappropriate clothing for the season (winter coats in summer, etc)
has trouble with personal hygiene
I'm wondering if anyone here has dealt with anything similar and can give me tips on how to deal with or help her become more socially adjusted in the limited time we spend together?
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No, the bio parents think she
No, the bio parents think she is "quirky" and "unique" and that I am just pointing out her flaws.
They might change their tune
They might change their tune when nobody ELSE finds her quirky and unique and the parents start getting the same comments you were giving them, from teachers or from her when she says "people say I'm weird"
As far as your own comments, keep them to situations that specifically involve you - don't address the parents, address HER. Drop the rest.
does not make eye contact
- SD please look at me when i'm talking to you
does not know when it is her turn to talk in a conversation
- I'm not finished talking - it's not your turn. I will let you know when it's your turn.
does not know appropriate space to leave between people when talking
- SD you're in my personal space, you're standing way too close to me for comfort while you're talking. Please step back.
has trouble with personal hygiene
- SD could you please go put on some deodorant/take a shower/brush your teeth? Your BO/breath is really making me nauseous right now.
Excellent suggestions, thank
Excellent suggestions, thank you. I have actually pointed out these things directly to her and it works for the moment, but the following minute, hour, visit it's like we're starting all over again from square one! Very irritating. Not to mention when I've addressed it, she gets SUPER awkward, and starts making silly gestures and noises to the point I am now uncomfortable and speechless. And that is rare trust me. :?
I understand the repetition
I understand the repetition will get annoying... but if nothing else, it will get her used to having it said to her... so at least she won't have a complete meltdown when "others" start saying that kind of thing.... if she acts all wonky when YOU tell her, imagine what she could possibly do in public when someone else addresses it...
poor kid.
Right. I totally agree.
Right. I totally agree. Maybe I'll practice the broken record method and hope for the best. She's very quiet and evasive so I'm sure people are cruel to her at school. I find it unbelievable nobody at her school (staff) has noticed anything suspicious. Honestly though it wouldn't surprise me if her BM withheld it IF something was brought up to her. She is a nut job.
What is your DH doing to help
What is your DH doing to help his child? Maybe he does not a) see anything wrong, or b) want to know anything is wrong.
Unfortunately, the bottom line is that you are not her parent and cannot request any kind of tests or evaluations. That's up to her mother and father.
If her parents don't care, your hands are tied.
Yes, unfortunately so. They
Yes, unfortunately so. They refuse to acknowledge there may be a problem to have her evaluated. Hopefully that will change soon....but until then I pull my hair out!
No she is in public school.
No she is in public school. I don't see how in the world she isn't being teased.
I just copy and paste from
I just copy and paste from your other post. lol. Im lazy.
I really think you should just stay out of it. You are making the mistake that a lot of SMs make. You are wanting to swoop in and "fix" the skid. Just don't even try.
1). Not your child.
2). Your DH does not think anything is wrong with his DD so you trying to point out her issues is just going to make him mad.
3). Most of her "issues" sound like most hormonal 13 year olds.
4). Your DH gets her 4 days a month so you will not be able to "fix" her.
Just try to enjoy/or stay out of the way, the four days a month he has her, and don't try to point out the flaws you think you see in her. It is just not good. Let dad handle his kid the way he wants.
It sounds to me like your SD
It sounds to me like your SD is on the spectrum. Yes, some kids (people, really) are naturally awkward or have an odd gait, etc. but the difficulty making eye contact and understanding social cues is a strong indicator that it's more than teenage awkwardness.
If the parents don't see it or want to acknowledge it, then there's not much you can do other than secret said above about prodding her to act appropriately.
FWIW, I have a friend that I have known since middle school who I am 100% sure is on the spectrum, although all she was ever diagnosed with was ADD. That was back in the mid-90's. Anyway, she has always been socially awkward but she doesn't know it which is often funny and occasionally annoying. Once when her and I were in our early 20's we went to a bar that had a band and a cover charge, so we had to get our hands stamped. The manager was standing by the host stand and he was friendly and said "How are you girls doing tonight? Hope you have a great time." Completely normal manager behavior, in my opinion. My friend leans over to me and says, "I needed that." I said, "Needed what?" she replies, "To get hit on as soon as I walked into this place." WAT? He's doing his job greeting patrons. It wasn't a come on. Not that I bothered to burst her bubble.
She seems to have a bit of trouble holding down a job because she gets laid off a lot, but maybe it's her industry. She's an oddball, but she's surviving.
WOW! Your story about the bar
WOW! Your story about the bar scene sounds like something my SD would totally do. Although she's not remotely interested in "boys" at her age...yet...if ever. She is really lagging behind socially so it may be a while! Her behavior is beyond typical quirky oddball things. It's downright creepy at times. It's getting harder and harder to maintain my patience around her. I keep wishing she would make friends to go see on weekends instead of coming to see her "daddy"
Both of my skids are lacking
Both of my skids are lacking socially. I am almost positive my SS1 is on the spectrum but no one will listen to me. I have some knowledge too because my 17 yr old son is high functioning and I see the signs. In my opinion, my ss is far worse than my son. I have tried to talk to my husband about it, but he feels like his ex won't do anything about it, so he doesn't do anything. It is very, very frustrating watching them fail their children, but I have had to learn there isn't much I can do about it.
My SD17 is very socially awkward and lies a lot. DH doesn't like when I point out her lying. I can read her really well and she fakes a lot of her behaviors around here to get attention from her dad. She has also verged on being inappropriate with DH since she was young and he says I am overreacting when I point it out. I keep thinking she will grow out of it, but she just causes more and more issues. I know she is going to want to move in with us when she turns 18 and I have a really big issue with that.
Oh hell no! I hope this isn't
Oh hell no! I hope this isn't a forecast into my future, I will be single! I feel your pain, I really do!
That was supposed to say
That was supposed to say SS15, not SS1.