Please tell me there is an end ...
At what age did your stepchild(ren) quit visiting you every other weekend? (Or whatever court ordered visitation you have in place?)
My 13 year old SD visits every 2 weeks and I'm literally counting the weekends we have left until she is 18. Unfortunately I know that does not guarantee her growing up and moving away, especially given her lack of social skills. I'm seriously beginning to wonder if I can handle staying married that long...
I'm curious what age the visitations stopped for those of you with teen stepkids..
- KH4573's blog
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You know...Being a stepchild
You know...Being a stepchild growing up it always pains me to see posts like this from SMs.
I am the oldest I moved in with my dad full time right after I turned 16.
My brother stopped going to stay weekends around 16 years old. He still came around often.
My sister stopped going to see him at 12-13 because she didn't want to follow rules.
ETA: My father never tried to force any of us. If we didn't go for a visit that was on us and he just took the ones that wanted to.
Yeah.. it must be a joy for
Yeah.. it must be a joy for the little girl to go where she is so disliked.
KH.. I know it is tough at times and sharing your DH's attention is rough. Believe me, I got a 5 yo and a 9 yo and had no kids of my own. He also did lots of stuff for them too... but hey, they were little kids and as they got older, they did get more self sufficient. Part of it was that I would ask them to help me do things and I taught them their way around the kitchen and whatnot. I reminded them (forever..lol) to make their beds and made sure they took baths when they were not as conscious of that stuff (into preteen/early teen years)
But, it would be helpful to try to have some empathy for the girl. She didn't ask to be shuttled to a different place every other week and to have her parents split up. I don't think being a COD is necessarily an excuse for everything, but a little sympathy for a situation created by adults is not out of line.
So, maybe she is immature? Maybe she is annoying. I probably was too at one time or another.. probably still am!
When will she stop? Maybe never... maybe circumstances will change and you will have her in the home full time. Maybe she will mature and be more self sufficient. (despite dad's babying). Maybe she will be a boomarang kid and live with you until she is 30 and maybe she will ghost her dad when she hits 16 and finds boys, jobs a social life.
BTW, both my SD's had less
BTW, both my SD's had less visitation once they were involved in after school activities that had commitments on the weekends plus more social engagements. So, maybe at 15/16 it wasn't as regular... but we would take them for longer periods in summer and on vacations and such.
I see your point, and I do
I see your point, and I do treat her well I just get irritated and vent here because I can't anywhere else! I treat her with love and care and try and guide her the best I can given the limited time I have with her. I guess time will tell how she will turn out and until then I wait....impatiently! Thanks for your input.
and I understand. I have had
and I understand. I have had my moments as well. But, without wishing them away.. I know the reality I had to deal with if I was with their dad (though I did ask him multiple times if he had kids.... hoping I would get a different answer..lol)
I totally agree, in fact I
I totally agree, in fact I just responded to that post. SIGH outloud. That's how I ended up here, I am not comfortable asking people in my life "when will my SD quit coming around" ya know.
Believe me, as a childless
Believe me, as a childless woman, I can definitely understand because I went from zero to TWO with a wack job BM. I tried to be patient though I am sure I slipped a few times. I didn't mind them coming too much because I am not a neat freak and I figured if dad did most of the heavy lifting it was no skin of my nose unless we had to curtail our plans because we had to be on their schedule for something.
Kids are a financial drain as well.. so that was money my DH had obligated out of the house before I even met him too. So in the end, if he hadn't had children, it would have made some things simpler and easier.
But, in the end, both his girls are on their own now and self supporting for the most part. (19 and 22). The older one and I have an ok relationship.. no real close bond, but no real discord either. The YSD is much closer and actually just thanked me for how much I sacrificed for them and how I didn't beat them and took on that responsibility. She is a bit more self aware like that.
Same parents.. different results.
To be honest, it depends on
To be honest, it depends on the skid. If she is emotionally or financially dependent on her dad then it could go well passed 18. Most commonly in their early twenties. If your SO and the skid have a distant relationship or even a rocky relationship then it could end sooner rather than later. Children are selfish--its just their nature, so if her mother will not fully support her then she will push for her to keep seeing her dad to get that support she needs.
Basically if she is emotionally stunted she will stay longer, if she is financially dependent she will stay longer, if conditions are optimal (better than BMs) she will stay longer, if she has no independency or desire to keep up with her peers (college, etc) then she will stay longer. The likelihood of skids successfully launching is probably 3 out of 10 if I had to guess.
Don't be guilted because you asked this question. We all ask it. I adore my skid more days and even I have wondered how long before custody stops? How long do we have before we are no longer legally bound to deal with BM and how long will my skid stay with us when he is no longer legally forced to visit/stay? These are normal questions. The answers, of course, are situational.
"Don't be guilted because you
"Don't be guilted because you asked this question."
I'm wondering if she's talking about my comment, or the comment ESMOD replied on my comment.
I wasn't trying to make her feel bad. I myself wish my skids could move sometimes. They live with us 100% of the time. I was just referring to myself being a stepchild and thinking that my stepmother must have felt about me and my siblings like we do when we post questions like this. We have an awesome relationship now. But that didn't really form until I was about 18 years old.
I grew up with 4 parents and 13 siblings. 7 of which were step siblings, and both my dad and stepdad had custody of their kids from previous relationships. 100% custody with no visits for the BM. Just like my husband has. I'm sure my mother always wished my 5 stepbrothers could just leave and stay with their mom's too.
I didn't mean for it to be
I didn't mean for it to be "big time bad guilt".. but maybe just a little tiny bit of "good guilt".. the kind that actually can help us commiserate with the situation.
I mean, sometimes I just bit my tongue because I knew the kids didn't want to be with us any more than I wanted them there.
Also, imagining myself in their spot somehow alleviated some of my annoyance because I saw some of it as stuff they just couldn't help.
So.. the good guilt that says.. maybe if you try to put yourself in the kid's shoes (Or even a guilty dad's shoes" can make it a bit easier to bear because you can see their point of view and that what is happening hasn't necessarily been crafted just for your torture.
I also knew the crap their mom gave them for "liking me" and even so, they still did "like" me even though they knew that their mom would hate that... so I guess I just tried to see how their situation sucked too.
I can’t fully understand your
I can’t fully understand your frustration but I’m trying too.
It’s not easy giving up your home and partner every other weekend for the skids BUT technically you did sign up for it.
I do understand venting here. If this is what it takes to keep the smile while they are around then vent away woman but be careful. Kids are EXTREMELY perceptive. They can smell fear. Basically if you don’t want them there and they figure it out it’s going to cause problems. They are children. They need to feel loved or at least accepted. They are there to see their dad and if they start to see that you might be impacting that it’s going to be hell to pay.
I know my partner wants the kid’s full time. I wish he would get them because I think it would honestly be easier then this back and forth of them being here only every other weekend and certain holidays. It is hard to feel like one big happy family by Sunday morning knowing they are about to leave. Part of me hates it because I do want them to stay. I see how happy my partner is and honestly I like them. Part of me also just wishes BM would hurry her ass along and come get them so I can have back my home and more importantly my partner’s undivided attention. What can I say I’m a little selfish. The big thing is though is while they are there I always remind myself “this is their time.” They need their dad. They need to feel this is their home. They need my support to and if they don’t get it I know what kind of problems it will cause.
What helped the most though is finding common ground with the kids. I know it’s harder as they get older but I started story time in our home. Reading is important to me and to have his youngest bring me a book to read to him just hits me right in that maternal zone. To see the kids 100% focused on whatever arts and crafts project I got them doing is amazing. Even more so when I get to keep the best for our fridge and send the “aww that’s nice honey” back to moms with them (SCORE). Finally I’m not afraid of locking myself in our bedroom and making SO take over completely so I can just read a book and surf the internet.
As for clean-up. From moment one SO expected the kids to help with clean up so that was nice. I offer reminders and don’t mind doing some things but he knows if he lets it slide to much he’s cleaning everything top to bottom.
Anyways good luck.
I get what you are saying,
I get what you are saying, and this is supposed to be a place where you can vent and get it off your chest bc there really is nowhere else to do it! And I've thought the same thing, not specifically will they ever stop coming over but more when is it going to stop being EOWE, Wednesday and holiday. I sometimes wish the schedule was not less but more flexible. One of my SDs is 13 and the other 10, what helps me when we don't have them is making sure I keep in contact with them daily, so that it's not such an adjustment when we do have them. I think they like it too. We are getting to the ages where they want to be at our house so they can see their brothers but their BM will not allow it and I won't either until child support is reduced to a fair rate based upon our lives and incomes. (BM lives with her mother gets a lot of child support, has no other kids, no daycare, preschool, etc). Sorry got on a rant there. But I think that things will change the older they get as other commenters said. Good luck!
I stopped doing regular
I stopped doing regular overnight visitation when I was 16-17, but I did more random dinners, drop by's, etc instead. My mom moved when my brother and sister were teens, so they moved in with my dad full-time. My brother has yet to move out, and he's 26.
My SBro stopped overnights before my mom and SDad got married, so 14-15ish.
I'm on the fence whether OSS will move in with us or not. YSS will want to do what OSS does, so when he moves in or stops coming over, I assume YSS will do the same.
It's different for every kid and every situation. Yes, sharing sucks sometimes. I just got out of a 3ish month period where I didn't want the kids here. I didn't want to be around them. I didn't want to do anything for them. Nothing happened to put me in that place; I just felt that way. I'm sure it will happen again, and again. I think it is just the nature of being in step life.
My ss kept visiting until
My ss kept visiting until after 18 because my sd was younger and still coming EOW, so he came with her. Then we moved further away and ss came with us and he's now 27 and still lives with us. Sd stopped coming regularly when she became more involved in cheer and with her friends, about 16 years old. Then she would just spend a weekend with us every few weeks until she graduated high school. She went away to college and now we just see her every few months.
KH - it's never going to
KH - it's never going to change, accept it and decide if you will relax knowing it or if you are going to walk away...
keep in mind, skids can stop visiting any day they want to.... but they can decide to move in permanently as well, their parents will simply agree and allow them to do what they want to do cause they are from a broken home.
She might move in with you age 18 and never leave.....
It will only change when your husband enforce the change.... only he can do something about it with a few small words, like NO, this is the CO..... but they never do.