Going for Legal Guardian!

I have heard some different views on here about this. It is a debate I have in my mind all the time and it something I am still not sure about pursuing. I will not do it right away anyway. I still need time for SO and I to find our footing and everything else going on. No we are not legally married we will be.

Many have suggested I become a legal guardian and I am ok with that and would only put it into action in case of emergency. We got the paperwork from the lawyer who sold us our house he is a lawyer that specializes in guardianship and stuff like that as he was the acting one for the woman who technically owned our home. I read through all of it. There is a part where the basic gist of it says has the BM been contacted and does she sign off...if not is she reachable to be notified.

Here is my debate and also my SO's debate as we both have discussed things. Do we even bother since she is not around and things are peaceful? Will her getting notified create some desire to suddenly be involved in SS's life? I sit and wonder about so much of it. I know I have purposed this kind of before but I am looking for some honest feed back of what others might do in our situation. I love this little boy very much and pretty much treat him like he is my kid.

I am sure many on here will tell me to back off and let SO do everything and blah blah blah the same harping crap. Just don't this is my family now and you may think I have rose colored glasses but I do not. I just very much love my SO and love my SS even with all the crazy in-laws. Honestly I am not rushing to make a decision on this just getting advice to help us decide.

AshMar654's blog
Log in or register to post comments

Comments

Is it just to make decisions

Is it just to make decisions in case bf is unreachavle due to travel or illness? Why not just get a power of attorney? DH and I trade one every year, his for my kid and mine for his. It doesn't involve any of the bio parents but does give us the authority to care for the skids.

I am not going to tell you to

I am not going to tell you to let SO do everything. But have you ever heard the expression horse before the cart. Why not wait till you are married and then start this. :?

BM blowing up over this is a

BM blowing up over this is a risk you will take.

I suppose useful questions to ponder are the reasons why BM is not involved in her son's life right now? And also do you think that she is still holding out hope that someday she would like to be part of his life? Does she hold her position as his mother as a core part of self worth that would be torn out if another woman were to officially take on that role?

You might also wish to ponder the effect on ss of having his mother officially abandon him. If you do wish to move forward with this giving ss access to professional help to work through his emotions on this topic would be a wise idea.

And finally do you really, truly want to be solely responsible for your ss should your fiancé die? Even when he has a mother out there? Is it fair to the boy to be with a non blood relative when there are blood relatives around?

I am not trying to be negative, just trying to point you in the direction of useful questions to think over before coming to any decisions.

You summed up even more

You summed up even more questions that I have asked myself many times over.

I honestly have no idea why she is not involved, I do know she is married with three more kids and her current husband knows about SS because the last birthday she attended he was with her and I do think that was his 3rd birthday. She saw him like once maybe twice after that. She has always had the chance to be a part of his life she just did not take it.

From my perspective she already abandoned him she has not made contact in 5 years now. He may need help with it eventually but he really seems good now. He had no memory of her he get that there is someone out there but he does not know what she looks like or who she is.

As far as getting custody I know financially I would be good SO and I have already set that up. I am not sure what would be best for him if something happened to SO. I do not think him going to his BM would be because he does not know her or her kids or anyone.

I do not take anything as you say as negative. They are thoughts I have been running over and over in my head. Some of them I have answers for some I do not.

Here is my debate and also my

Here is my debate and also my SO's debate as we both have discussed things. Do we even bother since she is not around and things are peaceful?

Yes you bother. She is legally the child's mother, he knows who she is. If you don't and she finds out.. you will find yourselves in a pickle for reals.

Will her getting notified create some desire to suddenly be involved in SS's life?

It might, might not. I don't think that is a reason to not contact her. If she does then your SS will have his real mother in his life.. that should be a good thing for him.

I sit and wonder about so much of it. I know I have purposed this kind of before but I am looking for some honest feed back of what others might do in our situation. I love this little boy very much and pretty much treat him like he is my kid.

Since he is not your child, I would be guarded with my heart. If you and daddy don't work out, you will be out of the picture and daddy will move someone in to be surrogate mommy in a minute.

I meant do we even bother

I meant do we even bother moving forward with it or just have things they way they are now.

We do not know how to get in contact with her other than social media. We have no address or phone number for her. if we did we would have to go through a lawyer and haven them to the search and send the notice.

Not saying a child should not have their BM in their life. She has three more kids I know that much and just my opinion and knowing this kid. I truly think she suddenly being involved at this age where he is still a little too young to understand might not be good. I think he will get more hurt by knowing she loved these kids why not me? At this age I think that is a lot for him to process. When he is older it might be easier.

SO would not move anyone in to be surrogate mommy. LOL he has not game when it come to women and dating.

it is very easy to locate

it is very easy to locate people these days. I have always been able to find Medusa, despite her best efforts.

I also think you underestimate the tractor beam pull of the biological uterus.

If you're so committed to

If you're so committed to this, why aren't your and your STB-DH petitioning to sever BM's rights so that you can legally adopt SS?

It has been brought up. Trust

It has been brought up. Trust me. That is a big line to cross and we debate about all the different things.

We are committed 100%. Our

We are committed 100%. Our house is in both our names and we both have insurance policies on one another in case anything were to happen so neither one of us loose the house. The wedding is a year away because that is what I chose so that my family that would be traveling to our wedding would have enough time to plan out vacation time and be able to come.

True I have seen it be very

True I have seen it be very different with couples once they are married it is like a switch got flipped. I hope that is not us and I do not think it will be.

Ok…I think I have a little

Ok…I think I have a little different view than most here. I think if you truly love your SO, SS, and if you get married, it is imperative that you go into this as you becoming SSs mother. I would not go after POA. I would go for adoption.

I would not marry a man with a small motherless child, unless I planned on being all in. As in being that child mother for the rest of his life. Im sure that is not the normal way of thinking but it is how I see it.

But I would also be wary of BM raising her ugly face if she has to sign something. And how can you not know why she is not around. Have you talked to SO about it at all?

I have talked to SO about it

I have talked to SO about it and he does not really know why either. His number has always stayed the same. He never said now when she asked to visit no one in is whole family knows why she just stopped.

I have my theories but that is all they are. I have known from the beginning that if I was going to be in this relationship I would have to go into knowing I would be a mom to this little boy no matter what. Hell he refers to me as mom at school, and day care and to others. He still calls me my name at home but sometimes he throws a mommy out there. Especially when I am cuddling with my kitties and say mommy loves you.

Thank you for your thought so much I thought I was out there for thinking the way I have been.

Nope. If something happens

Nope. If something happens to your SO, then the kid goes back to mom. Period. Dot.

there is no reason for you to adopt another woman's child. No good ones, anyway.

You aren't even married to this man - seriously, slow your maternal roll here, sister.

You are saying it is ok for a

You are saying it is ok for a kid to go be with someone he does not even know at all just because she gave birth to him. He has no memory of her. She has not been around for 5 years. before that it was minimal. Like every several months. His last birthday she was at she just gave a card with money she did not even give an actual gift.

Yes - Medusa hasn't seen her

Yes - Medusa hasn't seen her kids in over 5 years. If something happens to my husband, they should go back to their mother. Which is not me.

You can try to minimize her all you want, she is always going to be the kid's mother.

I don't think she can

I don't think she can minimize the BM any more than the BM minimized herself right out of the child life.

How horrible for that little boy if ASH does NOT adopt him. Then SO and skid all live together for years and then something happens to her SO.

She will have been raising the kid as her own anyway but the boy would go to his BM who is obviously a loon and does not want him.

Yes, they should wait until married to do this though. IMHO.

Thanks Willow

You have no idea why the BM

You have no idea why the BM is out of the picture....

this kid has been raised by

this kid has been raised by his dad and his aunt - if anyone is going to be next in line for custody, shouldn't it be the person who was doing the job previously?

I mean, OP really seems to want to push every other woman out of this kid's life - why? What is up with that??

I agree, I seriously see all

I agree, I seriously see all those other blood relations as being potentially interested vs a woman the guy has only dated a relatively short time (despite the fact that they dove into joint home ownership).

I have this really weird feeling about the BM too.. it just strikes me as odd as she was either chased away by him or his family.. or there is some nefarious reason why she doesn't want anything to do with the boy.. especially since her new DH is aware of him.

I just can't figure out that angle.

I never said that they were

I never said that they were not interested. I was just pointing out simply that I do not think him going back to his BM who he has no clue about is the best idea.

As for the BM....it strikes me as very odd too. Sometimes I get the feeling that his family pushed her out from things that haven been said not him. I do know the aunt told me one time she was reading a card to him from her at a birthday party and left out love mom and said her name instead. Aunt took it upon herself to make that decision and explained to the BM why she did what she did she did not want to confuse SS.

While all of you think I am pushy I think that was over stepping.

That is the only thing I have really heard. I do know I have been asked the question of what will you so if something happens to SO multiple times and I always just say you do know the BM has all the legal rights. I deflect the attention off of me. My future MIL response thinks she will still not want SS and the aunt just gets all mad and says basically over her dead body. While I think the aunt has a huge heart and absolutely viewed herself as like a mom to this little boy for a very long time she is not either. SS never saw her that way either.

it is not for you to decide

it is not for you to decide what is best for a kid that doesn't belong to you.

just like the aunt is not a mom to this kid, neither are you.

why are you so invested in pushing every other female out of this kid's life??

He isn't a piece of pie - there is enough of him for all of you to love him.

If that is how you view it I

If that is how you view it I respect that. Your skids are older and have memories of their BM and know who she is. My SS has no idea who she is. I would much rather see him be with someone that he knows and is familiar with. Let's face his his BM basically walked away when he was only a few months old. I appreciate how you view this but again your skids are much older.

I'm not going to discourage

I'm not going to discourage you from doing this, but as I may have brought up before in a previous life, you have to commit 100% to either being a mother or stepmother.

If you commit 100% to being a mother, you don't get the option of disengagement when things get tough, or if SS reminds you (verbally or through action) that you aren't his mother. You don't get to leave SO if SS becomes violent and leave SS behind. It IS like he is your own, because he will be.

On the other side, SS has a choice whether he wants to accept you as his mother or not. You can adopt him and be his mother, but he may never see you as more than his dad's wife. He may want to have a relationship with his BM in the future, and she may reciprocate.

If you decide to go the path of legal guardian, you need to be very clear what your intention is. Is it to be the adult-in-charge when SO is incapacitated, or is it to be mom?

I think until you can make that choice, or even until your SS shows you what choice he would like for you to choose, that you should hold off changing course. I'm not saying never, I'm just saying not right now. Everything is still in the honeymoon phase, everyone is still being on good behavior, and the full change hasn't set in yet with the in-laws having moved. If your SO needs you to be a POA since he has very limited support elsewhere, I think that is fine. Otherwise, give it until after the wedding, even up to a year after. Keep in mind that this is a lot of change for SS, too, so let him have time to fully process all that is going on before adding another change.

Thank you. This is helpful. I

Thank you. This is helpful.

I do ponder plenty of things. So far SS has shown what he wants he has from very early on. I am still giving it time and waiting it out. He is very attached to me right now. I think I know who you are from a previous life. Thank you again for your honesty in all this. I really value what you say.

Just make sure that he wants

Just make sure that he wants YOU as mom, not just any female who his dad brings around. I'm not saying that is what you are, so please don't take it that way. But if he just wants someone who be mom, and you all stir the pot where BM may end up involved, SS may become attached to BM. If BM doesn't reciprocate, SS may blame you because you exist.

Something you may want to consider is talking to a counselor who specializes in this sort of thing. Your local foster care agencies can probably point you towards a good resource. They are going to do a better job of asking you questions and walking you through the full answer. Worst case scenario, you're just as confused after speaking to them as you are now.

Thank you again so much.

Thank you again so much. Thank you for the suggestion of counselor that specializes in this thing. I am not taking what you say as bad at all.

*

lieutenant_dad OMG your

lieutenant_dad

OMG your suggestion to allow a child to choose IF they want this person "OP" to be mom is ill advised at best.. I hope you are being sarcastic.

Regardless of what you or OP thinks, this child has a bio mother. Ma'am if you want kids I hope that you when you decide to , have as many of your own as possible.

A step mothers role is NOT to do what you are suggesting. IN the unlikely event your boyfriend dies (note boyfriend) this child either will go back to bio mom unless she is in jail AND TPR'd, and if she is in jail, to next of kin who is able to care for the child. It may be likely cps becomes involved or good lawyers searching high and low for bio family members which IS a moral obligation they have..

crewzie

Let me clarify: I'm advising

Let me clarify:

I'm advising that Ash (and her SS) not make a choice on her own about what her role will be without considering what her SS will think. If SS is never going to see Ash as anything more than dad's wife, then she has no business pursuing anything more than being a stepmother. It will be nothing but heartache.

If, however, SS is comfortable with the idea of Ash taking on the mother role, then she and her SO have the green light, in my opinion, to pursue legal guardianship and/or adoption. HOWEVER, if it gets to the point, BM needs to have a choice in what she wants her role to be (and SO needs to facilitate that relationship so long as it is a healthy one). I didn't add that much clarity because Ash and I have had this discussion in the past and covered this already.

This is why I suggested she WAIT and contact a counselor who deals in this before taking any steps forward or making any decisions. Yes, this is fast. Yes, I have already expressed that to her. No, I didn't think it was important to rehash for the thounsandth time.

And no, not a crew. Sorry to disappoint.

I have missed your words.

I have missed your words. Thank you so much. I know how SS sees me but I am going to give it time. I love him and I just want what is best for him. Honestly who knows if something happens to SO soon I would say is gparents would be best. Not the aunt cause her job is a little too crazy for him to be with her 24/7.

I do not think him going to the BM will ever be what is best. I truly think it would cause more problems mentally for him.

Year's from now say like 5 and something happens and SO and I are married yeah I think I would be the best option.

You know how SS feels now.

You know how SS feels now. There is a lot of flux in his life, and you're the one who is around the most to help him navigate. I'm not saying his feelings aren't genuine, but my guess is that he is still processing everything - and there is no telling how he is going to react after his grandparents move.

This should be something you are looking into and evaluating over the span of years, not months. So long as you approach this from that perspective, you'll fare better than if you jump into this right now.

You MUST notify non custodial

You MUST notify non custodial parent. Why are you asking if you should bother? It's the law that she must be notified. If you can't reach her, then it needs to go through your lawyer. It's not that hard to locate people.

Legal guardianship will not be up to you or SS or SO, it will be up to the judge. Before my brother and SIL adopted my nephew, my brother was his legal guardian (they weren't sure about adoption due to child's age), they presented death certificate (one parent was deceased) and termination of parental rights of the other parent, still parent that signed his own rights off was told to show up in front of the judge. No way no how, judge would give anyone legal guardianship without proper procedures.

Not bother with notifying.

Not bother with notifying. Wondering if it is worth the can of worms that could be opened. I fully understand everything you say and I know that is the legal route and I know that is what we have to do if we move forward.

I see. My bad, misread your

I see. My bad, misread your post.

Keep in mind, legal guardianship will not guarantee that child will stay with you if something happens to SO as long as BM has parental rights. If you want to ensure child stays with you, you must adopt. Otherwise it's unlikely.

I am not entirely sure why you want legal guardianship (it makes sense if child isn't taken care by his parents, he does have a father), I'd just do power of attorney. Eventually after you marry might ask BM for termination but I doubt she'll go for it. She probably hopes to reconnect with SS when he is adult. Not uncommon

Honestly the only way to be fully a parent (not parental figure) is either have your own kids or adopt. Otherwise I am sorry it's not going to happen. I know you care for the kid a lot and it's commendable but the reality is you aren't his mother.

I think power of attorney

I think power of attorney might work. I am just preparing in case of emergency. Now that my SO is not traveling and is around all the time things are easier. He does work some Saturdays in the morning. he is pretty easy to get a hold of. We will see.

I am just evaluating all my options moving forward.

You are right she might not go for it, I honestly have no idea. I still just find it so bizarre and strange that she has not made contact in years and has three more children and happily married from what my SO has heard from other people the kind of know in common.

I do plan on giving this all time and I am not rushing into anything just navigating the waters. As many have pointed out on here I have a huge decision to make. I am worried and I am scared because I grow more fond of this little boy everyday and while things may change a year from now he is very fond of me too. My intentions in all of this has never been to push anyone aside just to be with my SO and provide this little boy a stable home. Yes he had that before but I did not take that from him.

My biggest fear moving forward and it is really scary and I am sure many SM's on here have experienced it to some extent or just like I am right now. Here I am taking care of this little boy, helping to raise him like he is my kid but there is always that voice in the back of my head saying be careful he is not yours and anything happens to SO he will be taken from you.

That is my struggle, and that is why I post here to get some feed back. How do I protect myself in this situation keep my emotional distance from SS and he will catch on and will that jsut create damage to him. Or do I fully engage emotionally and just know I could possible get hurt in the end. Or do SO and I look into what it will take to fully adopt after we are married. I think getting legal custody is a good first step to that process. So what do I do?

You have to stop viewing this

You have to stop viewing this as your only two options are disengagement or full-on Mom mode. I also think that you can't make any decision until your SO handles the BM issue. I understand that she left, but he needs to get that part figured out first. He knows where she is. It sounds like she is stable. He needs to confront her with all these concerns he has about SS's future should something happen to him. She is still legally his mother, and she may have zero desire to be Mom if something happens. Or the family scared her away and she wants a relationship with her son. She gets first dibs on choices here, as unfair as that may feel.

This situation is where I have issues with your SO. He may not want to rock the boat, but the woman hasn't fully disappeared. Something stopped her from seeing her son, but it didn't push her enough to try and terminate her rights. Your SO needs to get this taken care of, even if it is to get CS started.

The only choice you can really make right now is if you want to make the emotional investment in SS and to what extent you want to do that. There is a ton of wiggle room between disengagement and full engagement. Nothing can legally bind you to love or not love the child, or to treat him kindly, or to "treat him like your own". Do what feels comfortable and don't push yourself to one extreme or the other.

Thank you. I will talk to SO.

Thank you. I will talk to SO. You are right it leaves way to much uncertainty out there. I do know he does not want CS from her never has.

None of his family has ever really thought this through either. I think they all just thought if something happened to SO his sister would just take SS. No one ever thought of the BM till I said something that she has rights. He does know the general area where she is but not the exact location. I am sure he could figure it out.

It boils down to if he wants what is best for his son he needs to fix all this. I do not think just ignoring is the best option.

I do have wiggle room you are right on that as well.

You are here

Going for Legal Guardian!

Comments