Not built for the step mom role
I finally let it all out, I told her I can't be her live in nanny anymore.
My fiance of going on 5 years, has a 16 year old son and a another 8 year old who only comes over every other weekend.
First the first two years we were together her son would leave ever other weekend with his father, and I was fine with that. I liked it. It gave us time to bond and made feel normal because the whole partner with child is my first time. My fiance then got offered a job but neither of us knew it involved 80 % travel. She leaves every Monday and usually comes back Thursdays sometimes Wed. My issue is that when she leaves her son is picked up from school and dropped off at the house with me, but she doesn't see as him "being" with me because I don't "feed him, bathe him, or change his diaper". And says he has to come to the house because "he lives here" I understand he lives here, but am I wrong to think he should not be here when she is not here? I am gone from 6 am and come back till like 9 or 8 pm to his dishes, trash full, absolutely does not do anything in the house. My issue is also that for example, she is out of town somewhere close by I sometimes get up and drive or fly to her location and stay with her to check out whatever city she is in. When I do that, he does not stay at the house, he is picked up by his aunt who then complaints to her mom who then complaints that he should go with me every time I go see her or leave anywhere else out of town. Doesn't that meant I am taking care of him? I recently told came home one night to him and his little girlfriend being alone in the house. I though my fiance knew because I asked, turns out she didn't and when she found out she blamed me for not "watching" them or not kicking him out. I don't how to fix the situation as she cannot get a new job locally from one day to the next. In the meantime I told her i don't feel comfortable being the "parent" while she is out of town and wait for something to happen while she is gone to only be blamed. She snapped, and said that if I am not going to help her by being the "responsible adult" while she is gone, then what does she want me for??. He has a dad who wants to be part of his life but he stopped going over a year ago, because he doesn't want to be told what to do and wants to be taken out to eat and entertained which is the life he has when she is home. Is it bad for me to suggest he stays with his father when she is not around ? She calls is abandonment and giving away her child. As of right now we came up with no solution, I asked the question of what would you do if I wasn't here, and she just said "don't worry about it" I would figure something else. Why can't she do that now? I just want to know if it is my responsibility to be here supervising while she goes out and does her career???
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Just to add, when she comes
Just to add, when she comes home now since he doesn't leave ever, he has to go everywhere with us. To the store, to eat, to get a drink. I mean anything we do he is just on us and wants to go or else he will just lay in bed on his phone all day, until we decide to eat or do something and she has that guilt syndrome because she is not here all the time and feels bad leaving him behind. I just think sometimes she needs to focus on us and building something together for when he leavers "crossing fingers" we are not like those couples that have nothing to say to each other once they are alone.
This whole think just doesn't
This whole think just doesn't work. You get to take care of SS and get to alone time with your SO just doesn't work
Your SO is not doing her part. Just sticking everything on you
Harry, It sure feels that
Harry,
It sure feels that way, like I have to deal with him all week and when she gets home he is on us like a hawk, as soon as we wake up and go to the kitchen to drink coffee he immediately comes out of his room and just sits in the table listening to everything we talk about and waits to be served breakfast or vise verse with dinner. If we want to go have a drink on our few days together she wants to take him because he hasn't gone out and its the weekend. I am not the jealous type, i want her to spend time with him when i am at work or even when she is out of town and he is on vacation from school, but she says she doesn't want to just leave him in the hotel. My argument is what is the diff of him being in his room at the house all day, running up the electric bill with the AC all day, just watching tv and on his phone versus doing at the hotel with her?? I mean her answers are just always contradicting.
Hi, Thanks for the feedback.
Hi,
Thanks for the feedback. I mean it's easy to say don't pick up and leave it. That is what she tells me all the time. But I can't just live in a pig's den. I have to eat there too, I mean I live there. I didn't mention kid gets picked up every morning by his grandmother to be taken to school and I know just goes in to check if its messy and then who does it look bad on? ME! because i am the one there and should keep the house clean. I mean after all i care about what her family thinks, and i don't want my partner to come home to a messy house either. That is a big part of why i feel he needs to be with somewhere he can be supervised at all times and not allowed to do as he pleases and just lay there in a vegetative state on social media all damn day. ( Dad's house) dad lives with his parents who would be glad to have him around.
Guppies, just to let you know
Guppies,
just to let you know I am a woman, we are in a relationship. But i know it doesn't matter i suppose. I think when a step parent takes over its when the other parent is not around or unfit, but the other parent is not. He is comfortable single, living with his parents with no responsibility. Every time that i know he has called him for anything he has been there and even blew up on him one day it slipped out and he refereed to his uncle as daddy.
Wait, is the kid 13 or 16?
Wait, is the kid 13 or 16? Your previous blog said 13 and made no mention of the sister. Do they have the same dad?
just turned 16, typo on the
just turned 16, typo on the last post. Not same dad. Other daughter was conceived by insemination. lives with her bio mom.
A 16 year old should be self
A 16 year old should be self sufficient. I can understand not wanting a 16 yo to be alone overnight, but that doesn't mean you would need to be actively "doing" anything but ensuring he doesn't leave or have a party. That's why they have him go to a relative's place on the overnights.
I think what you should do is clarify what his boundaries are and what you are expected to do with that information. If he is not to have guests in the home when no one is there... then that is the rule and if you come home and people are there, you say. "time to leave everyone, Tommy knows the rules" Then you call his mom and put him on the phone with her so she can talk to him/give him whatever punishment she deems fit.
It's important to remember that even in relationships where we are disengaged from the children, we still may do things 'for' or involving the kids if it means making our partner's life easier. So, you make sure the kid doesn't burn the house down while she is gone.. that is helping her by allowing her to keep her good job. Unless you have a very hostile relationship with the kid and unless he is an extreme behavior issue, at 16, that should require very little oversight.
ESMOD, I understand your last
ESMOD, I understand your last paragraph as far ensuring well being, not burning down the house or whatever if she has to work and will be home in a few hours, goes to the store, whatever, takes a momcation, i get it. But not permanently every week for 3 to days of the week. This has been going on for more than a year, and until recently that i was blamed for not being there when I should have, ( i went to store after work then gym) i mean i can't stop my life to be home right after work to make sure this kid does not have gf over. That is what did it for me.I can only do so much, but much more is expected of me.
It's a two way street I
It's a two way street I think.
TBH, a self reliant 16 yo should be little to no problem having in the home even if it is on a regular basis.
On the other hand, you shouldn't be required to modify your schedule to "nanny him". You shouldn't get the flack when he breaks the rules.
Either he is mature enough to stay there with the minimal oversight you are willing to provide... or they find another solution to him being there.
I would say that you are fine with him being there if he holds up his end of the bargain which is no guests over and cleans up after himself etc... If he can't do that, you can't be held responsible for his behavior.
The fact that she let her kid
The fact that she let her kid stop going to his dad's is all you need to know. She's a bad parent and a jerk girlfriend.
Do you hear how stupid these
Do you hear how stupid these people sound?? Your fiancé thinks it's AOK for you to have her son there while she is not there because you're not feeding him, changing diaper etc. But when you go out of town, your fiancé's relatives don't think they should have to keep him because he should be with his mother.? :? Talk about talking out of both sides of your mouth!
..and her statement of "if she can't count on your to be the responsible adult (read babysitter) then what does she want your for?" Would have been the end for me. Period. I mean she basically told you that you are her free babysitter with fringe benefits. Nope. Why would you even want to be with someone like this? :?
Hi DaizyDuke, I was really
Hi DaizyDuke,
I was really expecting opposite feedback from what i have been receiving. I mean she really has me believing it is my responsibility and i am "crazy" and have "mental issues" for not understanding that because I am her partner and live there i am responsible for her kid when she is not around. The high school he should be going to is 3 blocks away from our house, yet he goes to a school that is abt a 15 minute drive and of course abt a 45 min walk probably because " she doesnt trust him" being so close to the house when she is not home and thinks he is going to ditch and have parties. Well, keep in mind she is not here during the week to take and pick up from school, well her mom goes at 7 am ( i am already at work by then) after she gets off her night shift at work and takes him to school. Her brother in law then picks him up from school and takes him to the house. Well, I was doing it for the first year, up until one day i had to work late ( 10pm) and he called his mom to complain he was tired and i had not picked him up yet, well she called me and asked my why i hadnt gone, i told her " did you forget i had to work late" i had told her. She said she didn't care, her kid came first and blah blah, on top of that he failed his classes and had to go to summer school ruining our summer plans. I felt at that point he did not deserve to go that school and making everybody go out of their way to take and bring back, therefore i stopped picking up from school. Well, she never apologized for what she said to me that night and now recents me for not being his ride to and back from school. just so you know he is still in that school, and failed again this last year and went to summer school this summer. lol.
While my DH has his faults
While my DH has his faults when it comes to parenting (which is why I am here) I can honestly say he has NEVER expected me to parent skids. He never expected me to transport, cook, clean, babysit, help with homework, give money to, or discipline his kids. Now there were times I would offer obviously to help him out, like when I was leaving right about the same time that SD needed to be to school and pretty much driving right by her school, so I would take her with me and drop her off. No sense in both of us going out in the morning because I want to be a dick about SD not being my kid. But if it meant me making a special trip, or going way out of my way? Nope. DH knew better than to even ask.
I guess its safe to say i am
I guess its safe to say i am that partner that does not want to be expected to take on the responsibility. I think some people want and some people don't. It has to come from the heart, not a learned behavior right? I mean, at times yes i feel like you know doing things together, but not ALL the time. I think we have an advantage due to his age, that she should be more self reliant but that's not the case. She treats him like a toddler but when it comes to his father he is old enough to make his own decisions.
Sounds like your SO is just
Sounds like your SO is just blowing you off so that she doesn't have to parent her kid.
What are YOUR boundaries? Would you be ok with him staying with you if he picked up after himself? Fed himself? Required just basic supervision? At 16 he should be able to take care of himself--cleaning up, laundry, basic meals, attending to homework. If you are ok with these things, then set those boundaries. If he won't do X, then you will have no choice but to find your own place.
If your SO won't enforce your boundaries with him, then you know where you stand. She wants to be his friend mom more than she wants to be your SO. And that's not a healthy relationship for you.
But I also agree that if she is out of town, the boy should be with his other parent, especially if that parent wants to be part of his life. The whole things sounds so screwed up.
Good morning Merry, When we
Good morning Merry,
When we got into it last night, i told her things would be better if she would enforce him going with his father every other weekend or even one weekend out of the month to allows time to re-connect and just be alone without feeling guilty. I have no personal issue with the kid himself, we don't fight, he respects me and whatever, but if he did pick up and have chores and responsibilities i would not mind too much. she says she tells him to do things like pull weeds, take out trash, when she is out of town, yet i see her come home to pull weeds. She says she tells him but doesn't enforce it and tells me I should tell him to do things when she is not home. So no does not enforce the boundaries i want. Last nigh she said she is not going to tell him to go with dad even though legally he is supposed to if he doesn't want to. And that i knew she had kids before we got together and i just need to deal with the situation because basically she is not going to change anything about the situation.
But YOU are not the parent.
But YOU are not the parent. If your SO won't change the dynamics of this (why should she, it's working perfectly well for her except that you are unhappy and she is making that your fault too), then you must. Unless you want to lose who you are to this step situation.
This doesn't looks like love to me, at least not the long haul we're in this together kind of love we all need.
No reason you can't live apart and still date if you see a future for this relationship after the kid launches--whenever that might be.
Don't you just hate the "but you knew I had kids" line? Yeah, but maybe I didn't know you were a crap parent.
"but you knew I had
"but you knew I had kids"
"yes, but I didn't expect to have your parental responsibilities forced on me"
Ah, the old "you knew I had
Ah, the old "you knew I had kids".
Yes, yes, I did know that. What it means to me? That YOU, the PARENT, will need to spend one-on-one time with YOUR kids. YOU, the PARENT, will have parenting responsibilities so I, the NON-parent, will have to find other ways to entertain myself while YOU parent YOUR children.
Right? I knew that DH had
Right?
I knew that DH had kids. And he knew that I purposely DID NOT have kids. He never put his parenting responsibilities on me.
Exactly, hereiam. I once
Exactly, hereiam. I once skid-sit for DH. He had to work late, so BioHo dropped off the skids and I stayed home with them. However, he stupidly had a brain fart and thought I would be willing to do that EVERY time. The next skid weekend, he said, "The skids will be here at 4:30.
Me: Oh, you're no longer working tonight?
DH: I'm still working.
Me: Honey, I won't be home at 4:30. I'm going out with my sister.
DH: Oh. Well, can you pick them up after you're done?
Me (laughing): Sweetheart, we'll be out LATE and I'll be DRINKING. Do you really want me picking up the skids are 1:30am after I've been drinking (I had one glass of wine...)?
DH: Oh, well, no. I'll tell 'Ho she has to bring them in the morning.
Which PO'd 'Ho to NO end because it ruined HER plans to party. ~snorty~
The next few times he asked, I always had plans. He stopped asking.
I watched my SD ONCE for two
I watched my SD ONCE for two hours in the 10 years of her visitation. DH had to work on a Sat. morning, SD slept in. No big deal but he certainly didn't expect me to do it over and over. Not.my.kid.
That was a line in the sand
That was a line in the sand for me. I will do NOTHING to accommodate BioHo. Not one bloody thing. PrincASS forgot his video game and DH is at work? Too bad, so sad. 'Ho expected DH OR me to grab that game and bring it over. Not on your life, 'ho.
She once called DH about a forgotten game control and said, "We're on our way over to pick it up." Weeelllll.... we weren't home! We were 2 hours away at a barbecue. 'Ho just ASSumee that DH should be home at all times he wasn't at work and have no social life. He WAS until I came into the picture. Ticked her off to no end that DH was no longer available on his NON-skid weekends so she could go out and 'ho, er, party. And for some RIDICULOUS reason, she expected ME to be her beck & call girl. Not on your bloody life. The ONE time DH called to tell me that 'Ho and skids were on their way over to pick up some BS that was absolutely unnecessary, I grabbed my purse and flip flops and was out the door, driving in the OPPOSITE direction to avoid them. "Honey, I'm not home. I'm on my way to meet my sister for dinner. I won't be home for several hours." Ha! I had on holely shorts, an old t-shirt, and NO bra. I will never do one damn thing to make life convenient for that C word.
You are completely right,
You are completely right, sometimes i think i can just get over my issues and deal with it, but like you said they will continue to be happy, her - leaving out of town not having to deal with the dad and whatever issues that might bring and him - living in a house with no rules, handed everything while i am unhappy and dealing with things. Of course, she is not willing to change that, and like you said now i feel that if she says if i leave that is it between us than she doesn't see a partner in me but instead a babysitter. - Last night she said if i leave she wont trust me being alone, so then i turned around and said you don't trust me being by myself in my own place, but you trust me to leave your kid behind with me ?? Makes no sense.
If she isn't going to change
If she isn't going to change anything then you should. Go write a list of things that need to change- give one to her, one to the boy and keep one for yourself. Look at it at the start and end of everyday and tick things off as you go.
As things start to change you may not need to tick further things off, but keep the list for future reference. If you don't get past item 1 make a new list with 'Leave' at the top!