You are here

Hello

Agediffstepmom's picture

Submitted by Agediffstepmom on Sat, 08/05/2017 - 1:51am

Hello, this is all new to me. After a late night and needing help trying to help parent step son. I looked online and found this forum.

I am engaged to a lovely man who is 18 years older than me with 2 kids. A boy and a girl. His son is 11 years old and his daughter is almost 10. We don't get to see or spend time with his daughter as much as we would like.

I, myself, was a step-daughter. My step dad was my dad from the age of 2 to 24. He passed away last year(2016). So I do know how hard it is to adjust. I just didn't think it was this hard.

I kinda was hoping my motherly instincts would kick in. But they didn't. My fiance and I are also trying for more kids. Because I want some kids of my own. Which will be another hard thing to add to the mix.

If anyone has any cool tips, books, websites or anything that could help me be a good step-parent I would like that.

Comments

Kes's picture

Submitted by Kes on Sat, 08/05/2017 - 2:34am

Welcome! Smile I think the main thing you need to consider when embarking on a relationship with a man who has children from a previous marriage or relationship - is whether the mother of those children is respectful of him and you, and co-operative. The biggest one thing that people on StepTalk have to contend with is a hostile and sabotaging BioMom who tries to cause trouble every step of the way. If you have this kind of BM in your life, your partner really needs to be very good indeed at boundary setting - if he is not, then I really would reconsider your plans.

Wednesday Martin, in her book Step Monster - tells how you can only really forge a good-enough relationship with your step children, if the bio parents have a good attitude about it, and are not hostile to you. I would suggest you read that book.

The BM in my life - literally ruined my life for over a decade. Also, do not expect to love your step children, unless possibly they are absolute little sweethearts with an unusually good mother. You don't really have to like them either, as long as there is respect and civility on both sides. If there is not, then it is your partner's problem to sort out, not yours really.

z3girl's picture

Submitted by z3girl on Sat, 08/05/2017 - 8:23am

^Great advice^

As for the age difference, that doesn't have to be a problem at all. My DH is 15 years older than me, and it seems after 11 years together, the biggest issue is handling retirement.

What worked for us is that my DH never expected me to act as a mother to SD. She already has a mother, and he's her father, so I didn't have to do anything parental with her. That also depends on how often you see your skids. I mostly treated SD as a guest in our home, so I would make sure we had a nice dinner. Now that she is an adult, I feel sort of like she's my niece.

I wanted children badly, and I resented BM and SD and the issues that were going on (it's tough when they're teenagers, and you don't agree with all of the parenting, or rather the lack of parenting) but once I had my first child, I really just didn't care as much anymore.

fairyo's picture

Submitted by fairyo on Sat, 08/05/2017 - 3:04am

Hi and welcome to the site. I'm sure you will find lots of information here- some of the advice may be challenging too, so prepare for being told some home truths.
First, the age gap- that in itself will present problems for you. You haven't said how long you have been engaged, how long you have known this man, and how long you intend to wait before marrying. My advice would be not to rush into this- especially as you are wanting children of your own. You are right to say this would add something to the mix!
Your motherly instinct has not kicked in because you are not their mother and never will be- the sooner you accept that secondary position in their lives the easier it will be for you.
'Cool tips?' This sounds rather casual, and trust me there is nothing casual about what you are undertaking here. I'm not trying to put you off- just re-inforcing the impact these plans will have on your life.
I would follow the above advice,and read the blogs and posts on here, and take on board what people are saying to you.
I wish I had known what I had to contend with when I met my DH (and his kids are adults!). Even the fact that you have come to this site means you are aware they may be problems- and fore warned is fore-armed.
I'm sure your fiance is a lovely man- it seems to be the main problem here!
Some step relationships work- you seem to be seeking advice which is great- so I wish you luck and stay around.

oneoffour's picture

Submitted by oneoffour on Sat, 08/05/2017 - 10:03am

Hello and welcome.
The man you are living with is closer to 50 than 30. So this need to have children .... actually rephrase that. This need for you to have a child ... does it matter that your child may not have his/her father around when he/she graduates from high school? Your grandchildren will never know their grandfather? Right now he is a great guy. But in 15 yrs he will be looking at retiring and you will be looking at another 20 yrs of working. Do you have a plan if he leaves you/passes away tomorrow? Every woman should.

As for the boy ... sweetie you are JUST old enough to be his mother. He was born when you were 15.
Your fiancé should be left to handle his son. He may want your help but these are his children and his to raise. If you offer advice or help it will bite you in the bum down the track.

You do not need to love them like your own because they aren't your. Society pushes us SMs into this life with these preconceived ideas about loving all kids like your own. Really? Do these kids love us like their mother? No, of course not. Because we are the grown ups and should behave like it doesn't matter how many times we are kicked to the curb. We are supposed to bounce back smiling and ready for Round 2.

You are very young. And I wonder if this fiancé thing with an older man isn't a need for your own father or someone who will protect/take care of you. I am just guessing here because we don't know too much of your background.

aliswonder's picture

Submitted by aliswonder on Sat, 08/05/2017 - 5:46pm

Hi. It's also my first time here. I've a couple of points. First, your relationship with your Skids will be very different than what you had with your Sdad, because you were very little when he came into your life, while your Skids are preteens as you're starting out. Second, the biggest potential problem you have in that situation is if your own child and your Skids will not get along. Third, and my own problem, you will disagree with your DH in how to raise the kids. I also think that HRCity gave you great advice about financial independence. Don't give it up to take care of SKids.

aliswonder's picture

Submitted by aliswonder on Sat, 08/05/2017 - 7:50pm

Since you are a young person and only starting out in this role of SM, let me warn you of something. Most posts here are about problems and unhappiness with the Skids, and that is the most common situation. However, the opposite also happens, you can get to love them. If you then separate from their father, you have no rights over those kids, and if he turns out to be an a-hole, he may never let you see them again just out of spite to make you suffer.