Actually WANT to love my SD... how to make it happen?
Hello, everyone,
There are many topics like "Ican't stand my SD/SS", and I have to admit that I can completely relate to most of the posts under those.
I can't stand my 5-year-old SD. Not that she is a bad kid... but she is so needy/clingy, with no independence skills whatsoever, talks non-stop, hangs on my husband like a medal, talks and acts like a 2-year-old... But, on the other hand, I have to admit that she is a people-pleaser, respectful, does what she is told, and actually seems to like me and my kids. I'm sure a lot of my negative feelings have nothing to do with her per se... It's just hard for any woman to see their beloved husband love another female (even a 5-year-old) so much, see them show so much affection and attention to each other, etc... I guess I am just jealous? I know that I am definitely jealous on behalf of my children - their father is practically not involved in their lives...
Anyway, the point is - it doesn't matter why I don't like her. What matters is: 1. It breaks my husband's heart that I don't like her. 2. I love my husband to death, and I really don't want to hurt his feelings. He is a wonderful man, and loves me very much, and is very good to my kids (and tries very hard to give them as much love and attention as he can... though, of course, it's still not the same as the natural fatherly instinct that controls his relationship with his own daughter). So, I have to admit - he is a much better step-parent than I am.
Questions: Is it possible to make yourself love (or at least like) somebody you don't naturally like? I don't know... meditation of some sort? How not to get annoyed and frustrated by the baby-like behavior of a 5.5-year-old? Her attention seeking? Her non-stop talking? Her always wanting to be on his lap or hold his hand? Her not wanting to eat the same foods we're eating? Disengaging is not an option, because my husband really wants us to be a real family, and do family activities together.
Has anyone here actually GROWN TO LOVE their step kids? Is it possible? How do you do it?
Thank you very much!
Blender, Yes, it does look
Blender,
Yes, it does look like in your situation, "it is not you, it's him". But would you be willing, just for your husband's sake and to make him happy, try to ignore their bad behaviour and at least pretend to like them? Is it possible for you?
My SD is not a bad kid, and she listens to me, and gives me hugs. The problem with her is not disrespect or disobeyance, it's her overall behaviour being like that of a much younger kid, and her neediness and clinginness. I already raised 4 kids practically by myself, and was SOOO very much looking forward to the time when my kids finally get older and more independant, and it gets easier. I am all "babied-out", I can't stand having another "baby" (who is not even mine!) in the house! I want her to act like a 5.5-year-old that she is, not like a 2-year-old! It drives me insane that she absolutely cannot play by herself, even for 5 minutes! She constantly has to be entertained, if not playing with my kids, then sitting on her father's lap, him doing puzzles with her, etc. Shouldn't a 5.5-year-old be able to play alone for at least a little bit?
Oh, well, I am starting to vent my frustrations with her, instead of trying to find a way to ignore the things that bother me and focus on the positive... She could be much worse...
All I want is to make my husband happy, just like he makes me happy when he interacts with my kids, plays with them, does homework with them, etc. And I can not bear to even be in the presence of his kid!
Blender, I am so sorry about
Blender,
I am so sorry about your situation - I don't know how you do it! My SD is basically a good kid, and even with that I am having hard time being a step mom. I can't even imagine how I would feel and what I would do if she was a disrespectful brat on top of all that! I admire your strength for staying in your marriage! At least you know that your kids have a good male parent figure in their lives, and, maybe it will make you feel better to think that your putting up with your SS is just a price you pay for that...
Good luck! And thank you again for sharing!
You need to get to know her,
You need to get to know her, thats all. Pick a time each week to do something special with her. Something only you and her do- maybe something girly? Glittery craft or baking cupcakes or something.
I didn't love my stepson at first -how could i? you can't love someone you don't know. It took time. What is important to remember is what you said on yourself: "my negative feelings have nothing to do with her per se..." You're right. The times I grew to dislike my stepson (or when i outright hated him) was because I blamed him for the lack of time I had with my husband as a couple. That wasn't his fault, it was our fault. He can't call the baby sitter and book at table at the local Italian. Once we prioritised time together and addressed the real problem the hatred went away.
When you dislike a child it can feel like you need to 'love' them purely for your husband's sake. Thats not true. How much easier would your life be if you didn't feel your insides squeeze up every time she jumped on daddy? It will make your life much better. You have to grow to love someone and its so damn hard with step kids because there are so many other issues in the way.
Like i said, you just need to get to know her and part of that is realising why she is the way she is (lacks independence, clingy needy.) once you understand her faults and why she has them you will accept her as the little person she is and that will take time.
You show you care about her just by posting, the jealousy and frustration you feel is normal and if you want to love her, you will.
I hope you find this useful!
Delilah
www.howtolivewithaliens.blogspot.com - a guide to positive step parenting.
Leah, Thank you! In my
Leah,
Thank you! In my reply to another post I already said that I like that idea, and I'll try to do it tonight. Do you have any suggestions on fairly short activities without a lot of preparation to do with a 5.5-year-old girl? I am thinking coloring and puzzles, but her dad a lot of it with her already... I'd like something that she doesn't do with her dad...
Thank you!
Delilah, I like your advice -
Delilah,
I like your advice - thank you! Even though I know it will be very difficult to do (I have very hard time with the annoyance and irritation when I am around her... to the point where it feels like my head is about to blow up, or I'll get steam coming out of my ears, like a cartoon character). But you know what, my husband made many adjustments for me and my kids (all 4 of them adore him, including the 19-year-old and 18-year-old teenagers!), and the least I can do is deal with my own issues to make his daugher feel like a family, and not a "bastard stepchild" (which she kind of is... but I'd better not say it out loud :)).
My SD is coming over tonight for a couple of hours, and between driving my own kids to activities, I think I'll have about 45 minutes or so when I am home with her and my husband, but my kids are not (piano and gymnastics tonight!) I think I'll do something with her. What can I do in just under 45 minutes, without a lot of preparation (I won't have time)?
Thank you, again!
Well, maybe "love" is too
Well, maybe "love" is too strong of a word, but at least tolerate and be involved with her without going insane? As long as it appears that I, at least, like her, and we can do family activities with her and my two younger kids (10 and 11), it will make my husband very happy, and that's all I am trying to accomplish.
For example, I don't know if my husband "loves" my kids... But when he spent 3 hours last night (after a long day at work and picking up his daughter on the opposite end of town, then driving with her to a hobby shop to buy some parts for my son's project), when after that he spent 3 hours with my 11-year-old son, building an airplane out of poster paper and parts from the hobby shop (even my 18-year-old son joined in!), it just melted my heart into a puddle! It made me love and appriciate him even more!
That's what I want to give back to him - making him feel like his daughter is loved and wanted and is part of the family... that's all. I honestly do not know why it is so hard for me to do!
MX4 - when I first married DH
MX4 - when I first married DH - his son who was 10 at the time came to live with us full time - we are 700 miles from his mother and she saw him 3 weeks of the year - I would get so upset that I did not love this kid - I am adopted and know that my parents wanted me so I had this vision of this happy family and boy was I wrong - I would get so upset with myself and finally one day I called my sister and she said listen - he is not yours - until you have a child you will never understand what true love is - Mom and Dad wanted you and wanted many children so yes your were loved but you were also very much wanted.
She also went on to explain that while I may never love or even like my SS - I needed to care for and protect him and be there for him - you don't need to love someone to do that - but since I loved DH so much it was easy for me to be there for him. She also said that the more I tried to love him the harder it would be - you can't force yourself to feel something - well I had a talk with my DH and of course started crying and telling him that I don't love his son and most times did not even like him and while it upset him he understood and said as long as you help me care for him that is enough. Mind you my SS called me mom the day after we got married - his request not mine and his mother knew he wanted to call me mom - I think being 10 and so far away from his mother he wanted to call someone mom everyday and after having my DD that is when I knew true love - but once in an argument with SS I told him that I loved him as much as his sister and he said "Yeah mom I know you do" Which totally was not the
So your DH needs to step back and let you be yourself and no it does not make your DH a better stepparent because he likes your kids I would just look at that like you are a great parent and probably have better behaved kids than your SD - I find that most SM's on here who have bio kids and are in a step situation have children that are better behaved than the ones that we all deal with that have the crazy BM's that are only BM's and have no idea of the hardship of the step life. So think of it as you are a great mom and tell your DH that you love him and you will work on making SD think your love her and as long as you take care and protect her that is ENOUGH!!!
And on a finally note I still don't love my SS and it has been 8 years but he thinks I do and that is all that matters!!!
yes, I agree - that's pretty
yes, I agree - that's pretty much all I want. I just want her to think that I love her, and I especially want my husband to think that I love her. But I get so annoyed, frustrated and irritated by her, that I have very, very, very hard time "pretending" to like her, much less love her. I just want to be able to be around her and do things with her, and not get angry and frustrated...
Good grief. This reminds me
Good grief. This reminds me of a recent conversation between me, SD (27) and DH. While SD yakked, DH was staring at me and I could read his thoughts "I know she doesn't like my daughter." SD has also told DH she feels I don't like her.
The truth is I didn't like her because of her actions towards me, yet the way DH looked at me made me feel guilty. At that point, I decided to change my feelings for her from disdain to pity so I could at least tolerate her. So now I don't get frustrated when she does stupid stuff. I chalk it up to she has a lot of maturing to do because BM gave her to DH when was a teen, and DH coddled her to the point of not providing any structure, making her do chores and allowing her to run the house. It makes life easier and keeps my blood pressure down. I'm not sure if things would have been different had we married when she was younger because you know there's something wrong when your own BM doesn't want you under the same roof.