Living apart until skids age out
For those of you who are living apart from your spouse/partner until the skids age out, please elaborate and tell me how it works.
Still, my DH wants to be married. I do not approve of his parenting or of his communication with BM etc. I cannot be around it. When it is just the two of us, we are pretty good. When BM and skids enter, we all hate each other. OK, I hate it and can't live with it. I've talked it all to death and nothing is changing and my concerns go invalidated.
It seems like a huge waste to divorce when all I want is to have my own place. I do want to be married and I am ok with the idea of being married to DH....I just need BM out of the picture.
I know that BM and the skids won't truly be out of the picture but won't my life feel better even if it's just through some ignorance? I don't want to hear the drama, the manipulation, the money fights, the scheduling problems and transport problems. Not my circus as you all taught me. I without a doubt don't want that turmoil in my home or my life. 8 more years until both skids age out.
Please tell me the specifics of how living apart works.
Thank you so much.
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I wouldn't be married if I
I wouldn't be married if I can't live with the person. I'd be gone. I had a long term relationship with someone whose kids made my life he$$. I left. He was crying and begging. Nope. When I am done, I am done. Am very happily married now. Met my DH s year after I left my ex and his crazy bunch.
If I have to live alone due to whatever circumstances, I would want to be single. I lived alone single. It's great. As a single person! I am not living alone while married. So he'll be coming to my house to have sex and eat or what. That's not good enough for me. I am not a mistress.
If a man really wants me, he'll change his ways and will make sure I am happy. If not, I'd rather be happily single.
How does living apart
How does living apart work.... any way you want.
I live on my own and SO live on his own. I pay for my house, he pays for his house. I do not buy anything for his house, not even food. I go over there 4 times a week and I cook and we have dinner together and I do the dishes only when it's that meals dishes, if there's anything more I do not do it, not the maid. But SO is good in cleaning up after himself... and since princess moved out it's all better
Sometimes I might sleep over on week-ends and sometimes not...
SO is not allowed in my house, cause he can't wipe his effing feet coming in, not putting his chair back under the dining table. He will dump his shit on my dining room table and I don't want it scratched... put your keys on the key holder idiot.
The stupid key holder. My DH
The stupid key holder. My DH will not put his keys on the key holder. Then he will search around forever looking for his keys all the while saying he should listen to me and put them on the key holder but he NEVER does. Men!
mine is not trainable on
mine is not trainable on keys... it's been 14 years... he has 4 sets of keys for his vehicle and never can find a set when he needs it.
I gave up,
Acrat I wish, after reading
Acrat I wish, after reading this, that I had kept my lovely home. When we bought this property together we were full of expectation, (or maybe it was always just me?) that we would build a home where everyone was welcome. For years we lived this dream- the separate families came, the grandskids came for sleep=overs and we spent time and money making it look just how we wanted it. Now, I feel trapped in this pretty prison that is no longer 'ours,' bits of it now seem to be mine and bits of it are his. There are massive elephants in every bloody room in this house!
My daughter still lives in the place where I raised my kids and I see her every few weeks- it breaks my heart that I no longer live in the house I bought by myself and loved living in. I sold it of my own free will, but I left a lot behind... I'm still not sure that it was worth it for a few years of happiness. Now I feel as if I'm facing years of misery!
Sorry- feeling a bit sorry for myself today but I went away for almost a week and we spoke more on the 'phone then that we do when we're in the same space. It is driving me nuts!!
I wonder if our relationship would have survived if I hadn't moved here... maybe it would have been better?
fairyo - they say home is
fairyo - they say home is where your heart is.... I say, you heart builds your home.
You created a house for all, and well some people destroyed your dreams, why not simply re-do the house one space at a time and it does not have to cost money, moving furniture around, paint the walls a different color, hang mirrors, do wall art stickers, there's so many options of changing your house, but do it the way you want to, love will grow again for the house.
You just have to get your mind set right and if it's a big house cause you catered for children, scale down... scale way down, this way skids can't come over. You decision to sell, smaller house, less expenses
.. add more money for kids to get your way... (but that last part you will not keep your word on, it was simply to get your way lol)
I'll have a think about this.
I'll have a think about this. It has become clear to me that although DH went along with our plans for the house he isn't that interested in lavishing any more care on it. I have always felt that he did it for me, as he is working so much he hardly spends any time here- whereas I am often stuck here for days at a time. Maybe I should fill the place with my stuff? We brought a lot of his stuff which I've never liked but had to compromise on. We do need to re-do the kitchen next year, so I may make a mood board to get me going!
We can't scale down too much as we need space for my family who come to visit a few times a year- but I have some ideas in my head already.
Fairy house here we come!
yeah - now for the planing
yeah - now for the planing board.....
first decide what space it will be, guest bathroom would be cheapest, different floor mats, different curtains/blinds..
couple of wooden crates/baskets... simple wooden boxes hanging on the wall to take additional towels...
if possible a bit of paint, even if it's just one focus wall... pinterest is your friend for ideas, start looking and finding ideas... once one room is done the bug will be deep under you skin, and yes bring more of your stuff in, personalize the house to a home... men really do not care about shit like this
DH and I met when skid was
DH and I met when skid was 8-9ish. It only took me a few weeks to realize they all had SOOO much dysfunction going on that I did not want to be around it too much. I also wanted to raise my kids on my own, and my way. But I did fall in love. DH was aware I would not marry him until kids were all aged out.
We lived in the same neighborhood so it was pretty easy. He would come over after work and hang out for a few hours almost every day. Then he would go home. (When he did not have SS). When he did have SS they usually did their own thing and we did ours. Sometimes we would all get together and hang but that was not much.
We did not sleep in each other’s houses if kids were around. (My preference)
It worked well for me and DH. Just don’t fall into the trap of talking about BM and skids every time he comes over. Once I realized we were falling into this trap, we put a stop to it. Talk about BM and skid drama was only to be talked about minimally, if at all. Yes, keep me updated but you can’t come here and vent about them for 2 hours every day. It was no fun at all. But once we cut it out, it was far more enjoyable and it made DH focus on other things in his life besides the SS/BM drama.
And FYI – once SS turned 15ish, he and BM moved over 2 hours away! Whoop whoop. So I decided we could go ahead and get married because there was no way greedy BM would give up CS and no way she would give up her very best friend in the world and they would be far away. Boy was I WRONG! Within months BM dumped SS at our door and said have fun. Lol. The next few years were not fun, but I was VERY disengaged so it was not extremely terrible either.
It can work IMHO. But I read your blogs and I am not sure what the issue is in your marriage? What are the main problems you both face at the moment?
EDIT to add...I am 100 percent certain we would have divorced if we had married any sooner than we did.
Hi Willow2010, My main issue
Hi Willow2010,
My main issue is that DH placates BM to keep her happy-ish so she doesn't rule his life. There are almost no boundaries. DH has violated communication boundaries in the past and so now I am very insecure with their communication. It's a catch-22 because I don't want to hear about BM and skids but I don't want to be in the dark either. When he tells me the details of their communication, I get stressed out or really pissed. She naturally, he feels he can't talk to me about this stuff.
I don't trust DH to make good decisions. BM will ask for more money and he'll give it and not get a receipt or get legally walked on because she asks for things he's not responsible for...so I feel I have to know what's going on there so I can do the thinking for him.
Like many BMs, she constantly tries to poke holes in our life. She demands additional visit days out of the blue and DH is too afraid to tell her no.
Bottom line is this: I don't like BM having such control over my DH and thus MY life. THAT is what makes me hate her and the skids (and DH for not having backbone).
DH says he 'placates' BM to make her feel better about herself because if she feels better then it's a better environment for the skids.
So she'll call to be buddy buddy and he takes the calls. She calls to rip him a new asshole and he takes it to make her feel better.
DH's issue with me is that I rejected his children once we got married. Yes, marriage shifted my thinking and I saw, clear as day how unacceptable the skid thing was. He's a terrible parent and I do not approve of pretty much anything he does. BM keeps us wrapped up in her cycle though and I feel there is no other way for me to get out of this with my health than to create some serious distance, rules and boundaries.
I have come to hate my life over this stuff. That said, when it's just me and DH things are much improved. I really hate the added liabilities of 2 skids and a nuts BM, always clawing at us. It scares me that our life will never be 'ours' or that DH will never gain any financial traction with BM sucking him dry.
Onelife I couldn't have said
Onelife I couldn't have said this better myself. This is exactly how I feel about BM and the skids as well....
I couldn't imagine being
I couldn't imagine being married to someone and living apart from my DH. I mean some people can do it and I admire them for it but, I just couldn't do it. A majority of my arguments with DH is about BM and the skids but, I say my peace and them try to move on. It doesn't always work that way. BM is a horrible succubus and the skids are spoiled little special snowflakes but, I deal with it because I love my DH. I used to get all kinds of jealous and insecure when DH would talk to BM but, now I tell him I don't give a shit about what BM said and her drama. I am still learning and it is a hard pill to swallow but, I want my marriage to work so I just try not to let it bother me when BM texts DH. I don't trust her as far as I can throw but, now I figure DH has to communicate with her because they have kids together and there is 8 more years of this crap so I can either ignore it or let it eat at me. Like I said I truly admire married couples who can live apart and make their marriage work....I just couldn't do it myself.
tankh21, I try the ignore it
tankh21,
I try the ignore it all approach. But when DH has ZERO money for our household but come hell or high water, BM gets paid, I have a severe problem with that. BM comes up with a new way every couple months to get more money. If DH says no to more money or more time she threatens him or screams at him till he gives in or guilts him, telling him he's a terrible dad and using the skids as pawns to get her way.
I feel I can't just ignore it because I feel that I have to manage it and supervise it so DH stops giving in to insane demands.
Exactly it is like a rock in
Exactly it is like a rock in a hard place. I am truly sorry that you are going through this. I know how you feel. I don't want to hear about BM or the skids but at the same time BM took advantage of my DH for 11 years and controlled him and he makes excuse after excuse for his kid's behavior and of course I am the wicked SM who hates his kids. So you are seriously thinking about living apart from your DH and still be married?
I am contemplating divorce
I am contemplating divorce but it's not what I want to do. Like I said, it's not all roses of course, but when it's just me and DH, we're pretty ok and my marriage is satisfactory to me.
I don't hate the skids. I hate DH's behavior and parenting. I hate his communication with BM and hate her for invading our life constantly through calls and texts and time and money demands.
My health has suffered both physical and emotional and it's very clear that I need to get away from this.
DH invalidates my feelings regarding his texts and calls with BM. It's for the skids benefit and if I am not supportive of that, well then I am evil.
I have already banned the skids from my house and that's been going on for over one year. It made things better for me when they were no longer staying at my house. DH just did his visitation time at his dad's house. Although that means I don't see him much during the visits (and sometimes get lonely), It's worth it to not have the skids in my home.
I thought that that adjustment would help shake this insecurity I have regarding BM and the texts, but it hasn't and the longer this situation goes on, the worse I get. Like I said, it's now affecting my health so I have to adjust at all costs.
I am leaving my house (DH lives here with me). I am going to travel the USA in my RV for the next 7 months. DH wants to go along for as much of that as possible, knowing he'll still have to fly back to see skids.
I don't think separate homes or States for that matter will alleviate my insecurity over BM's texts or the situation. Clearly I am just feeling desperate and not wanting or seeing the need to divorce over it.
I tell myself not to be insecure but I still am. It's affecting me severely and is not validated by DH. He just wants me to be a supportive partner and not make his situation harder for him. I just don't think I am cut out for the blended family thing and so I want to separate myself from it until the skids age out.
Is it the context of BM's
Is it the context of BM's communication or is it how excessive she contacts your DH.
It's both. Her communication
It's both. Her communication is undermining. Sometimes it's harmless, it's just over everything...what she ate for breakfast practically.
Often it's to yell at DH which is very unpleasant and then puts him in a bad mood.
I don't trust DH either though.
BM had asked him to send her some of her pregnancy photos and baby photos of the kids.. apparently she doesn't have them. 5 years post their divorce. Kids are 10 and 11 and she needs the baby photos....that's fine.
But it was after I was riding DH about allowing me to see the texts between them and he refused. He said I would just make an issue out of nothing and read into it the wrong way.
A couple months ago he left his phone unlocked and I looked at the recent texts. BM while pregnant, BM, DH and new baby in the hospital. It pissed me off.
He came into the room and I asked him very cooly if I could see the most recent of texts cause I was feeling insecure. He didn't know that I had already seen the texts and photos.
His hands worked swiftly and I asked if he was deleting stuff. "No!" He said. He then handed me the phone and said he didn't like showing it to me but 'he would to make me feel better'.
He had of course deleted the photos and all the recent texts. I called him out right there. He was caught red handed. He apologized but I still can't let it go. He also told BM that he had made a mistake in over-sharing with her, details about our marriage and he was no longer going to do that and she needed to not ask personal things.
To me he's a liar now.
I have asked for 100% transparency which he hasn't given.
Yesterday, he let slip that he got a message from BM on MarcoPolo, a video chat app. So now they are communicating on there, unknown to me.
My SO and I have been
My SO and I have been together 3 years and still maintain separate houses. We met when his youngest D was 10, she's now 13 and AWFUL, so is bio-mom (apple didn't fall far from the tree). For a while she was staying over at my house, but things just got so out of hand with disrespect, laziness, screaming when she didn't get her way, etc I completely disengaged. Stopped doing ANYTHING for her and made him do it all. finally told him the nights he had her, or when she had softball tournaments (every other weekend), they had to stay at his house and I would meet him at the game. I work from home and honestly don't see us moving in together any time soon. No way could I work with her around. I've also recently asked him to stop sharing with me the insane texts he gets from his ex - she's his problem and all it does is gets me all fired up and angry with him that he's not handling it the way I think he should. It actually has been great for our relationship - we enjoy our time together and leave all the drama behind. At the end of the day, do what works for YOU, not what everyone thinks you should do - they're not living your life, you are.