back again..
The past few weeks have been mostly uneventful. That is, until last night. BM decided to buy the 9 year old a smart phone, and when my bf picked them up last night, tried to tell him that he can not legally take the phone away from son (which isn't true). BM is giving 9 year old his own debit card and telling him he can use it for whatever he wants. Tried claiming that he is guilty of parental alienation. Basically trying to control how BF parents in his own home.
Now I don't know what BF's thought process is, but I know he has said many times that neither of the kids well have cell phones until they are at least 14 because they don't really need them. But now, all of the sudden, he doesn't want to take the phone away from 9 year old. Doesn't want to set rules, or limit time. Don't think he would even consider using the settings to disable the data on the phone either (so he would only be able to use it for calls/texts unless he finds his way into the settings to change it back).
Keep in mind that with 9 yo son having the smart phone(that she bought and set up), BM can track son (which also means BF and me) to see where he is at any time for any reason. IF he brings phone to my house, she will now know where I live. If we want to do something special, she will know. She wants to randomly stop by and try to see them, she knows exactly where to go. Us at the store? She could "randomly" show up.
Now the kids are leaving tonight with their grandparents. BF wants to wait until they get back (3.5 weeks from now) to even address the phone issue (basically leave it up to his parents).
I am sick of how easily he can change his views for BM, but how he gets irritated or takes weeks/months to implement any changes that I suggest.
The other main issue is, BM has always had a better relationship with 9 year old than the 7 year old with ASD. She will want to spend time alone with 9 year old, but not 7 year old. Buy 9 year old better quality items, 7 year old cheaper stuff. So knowing that, with 9 year old now having a phone that he can use all the time (compared to 7 year old's tablet that has to be connected to WiFi for internet access), she is still treating 9 year old better. I know there is an age difference, but she has a habit of giving older son items, and then the next year when younger son turns the same age, he doesn't get any similar items (so there is a 99% chance that she will not get 7 year old a phone when he is 9 in 1 year, 2 months.
If BF goes along with this and doesn't set boundaries with the phone, limiting time to the same amount that 7 year old gets his tablet, then he is just feeding into her treating older son better. He wouldn't be any better if he allows 9 year old something that the 7 year old won't have at the same age.
I don't even know how to talk to him about any of this in a way that he might actually understand and take into account when deciding what to do with the phone...If it was me, the phone would have never came home last night.
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I remember when BM got skid
I remember when BM got skid an iPhone at the ripe 'ol age of 7. Good times, good times. It was shortly after their visitation order was put in place and BM desperately clung to controlling DH's time. It was basically just another mode of BM inserting herself where she wasn't wanted. So she could "contact her kid whenever she damn well pleased". She abused that privelage when she started texting skid on the hour asking what she was doing, what DH and I were doing.
I wouldn't be comparing time on a phone to time on a tablet. One has parental controls, while the other one doesn't.
If you and BF are that concerned with BM tracking location, etcetera... just power off the phone and/or switch off location services/GPS. The child is a minor. Either he hands over the phone and complies with this being done, or the phone gets taken away completely for the duration of the visit. Tell the child and BM they can speak by phone on a supplied landline or BF's cell.
BM doesn't like this? Let her take BF to court.
Our BM tried this. She had
Our BM tried this. She had PAS'd SD and then tried with SS. We refused to have the cell phone in the house. Sent it back.
I fully understand all of the
I fully understand all of the benefits of having a phone when kids are out and about with someone other than the parents (or school/daycare). Right now though, these kids don't go off on their own. They are either with BF or BM, or they are at school. The before/after school daycare is in the school that they go to, and there is never an issue with my boyfriend running late (or he could call the daycare workers directly or me or his friend to pick up the kids for him).
Once they are in middle school and decide to start doing after school activities, or going to friends houses, there would be no problem with them having the phone while they are out.
The other issue with this whole thing is right not my BF has primary custody (emergency custody order). If anyone is giving them a phone and having the opportunity to check their location, it should be him and not BM.
Take the phone from the kid
Take the phone from the kid and tell him he can have it back when he returns to his mom's house. There's no reason for that child to need a cell phone.
SD16 was like 7 or 8 when BM got her an ipod touch which came with video chat like Facetime on an iPad
DH ripped it out of SD's hands-walked out of the car-up to BM's door-opened it up and chucked it onto her couch saying he didn't want that shit in his house so BM could spy on us
she tried to argue with him over it-he closed her door-walked to his car and took off with the kids
his theory was this:
we had a landline
and
he and I both had cell phones at the time-both the kids could use ANY of the phones at any time-day or night
There was no reason for SD to bring in one of BM's electronics
A few months later on-she did sneak the iPod into our house-and was caught by DH taking video of our house as she's walking around talking to her BM's boyfriend's daughter (i guess stepsister) showing her parts of our bedroom/my daughter's bedroom and other areas of our home to this girl we have never met.
he smashed it and told BM if she continues to use her daughter to spy on our home-he was going end visitation with SD
*To be clear-SD is NOT DH's bio child-and there's a huge backstory with BM using SD to spy on me and DH trying to use whatever she could against us just to start fights. The iPod was only 1 item vs the many ipods and tablets and cell phones SD smuggled into our house to take pictures/videos
The OP can't take the phone.
The OP can't take the phone. She's not the parent and doesn't live with dad.
The most she can do is not allow the phone in her home.
Your home your rules. As long
Your home your rules. As long as you allow the child to call IF she is not busy and asks to. It is unlikely you will be forced by a Judge to bring something into your home you do not want. "WE do not believe in cell phone use at this tender age,,,or any age at this present time"....you can say that.
When there is conflict with cell phones it is best to NOT allow them in your home period. Now they also have tracking GPS, kids video inside of homes so X can see stuff. Just a host of ugly stuff.
Also, lets say to keep the peace the phone BM bought comes into your home. YOU keep it until the child returns back to BM.
BM calls screaming YOU broke the phone OR lets say the kid looses the phone or drops it into the toilet in an hour after returning to bm...
SHE may call you saying YOU did it.
We had this problem with BM who said we stole/kept/hid HER phone for the child and she demanded we return it to her. Heck we never would have allowed it into our home...never. This went on back and forth costing US attorney money for her garbage that never happened.
What everrrrrrrrrrrr BM.
It is really sad some people behave this way, isn't it?
I know you don't know the
I know you don't know the entire dynamic of our relationship, because I never posted it on here, so I will provide some more information::
To start out with, when I first met the kids, my boyfriend asked me to tell him if I thought the way he was doing things could be changed for the better, asked me to make suggestions, etc. He wanted an outside person's perspective on his parenting. He wanted to be told when he does things that I might do differently. And that actually worked out really well for younger son who is 7 with ASD. He had severe food aversion when I first met him, and my boyfriend didn't know what to do to try to get him to eat actual real food/meals. I made suggestions, my boyfriend used them, and it got him to start eating meal foods, and found foods that he really loves. There have been a lot of other things as well, but this is the one that means the most to me, because going from eating junk food to real meals is a huge change for the better.
We have also been together for 2 years now, it is not like I just walked into their lives weeks or months ago. I also never try to set rules for the kids directly, it is always a conversation with my boyfriend without the kids around, and he makes final decisions.
Then there is also the fact that he would like it if I started watching them more, watching them during the summers in the future, etc. Especially once he moves into a house and I move in with him. If he is wanting me to actually watch them, get them ready for school, pick them up from school, watch them for most of the summer (which I wouldn't mind doing once I actually live with him), then at that time I will have a say in what goes on. It will be my house/home too, and if I am going to be the one watching them most of the time, then I will have a say in what goes on while I am watching them (kinda like a school or daycare who doesn't allow cell phones to be used). I am not going to be watching them if they are being bad and fighting over the phone all day everyday. I know that isn't the case at this moment, but like I said at the beginning, he asked me to make suggestions on his parenting.
Then there is also the fact that I know he has said that he doesn't want them having cell phones at this young of an age. I know he was pissed that she gave him the phone. He just didn't want to deal with it last night. He doesn't like to think about issues, he would rather ignore it. He didn't seem to understand that him not wanting to deal with it was him making a decision.. that allowing son to keep the phone, he made the decision without even thinking about it. He also didn't think about the location tracking. He didn't think about how him allowing the 9 year old is basically "enabling" BM's preferential treatment of older son compared to younger son. He didn't think about how it might affect younger son knowing that his older brother gets to talk to BM whenever he wants, but younger son can't because he doesn't also have a phone.
Also, I know this isn't me. I was just adding in my views. Bf doesn't want son to have phone. The best way to deal with the phone and her claiming BF stole her property was to never have it in his home to begin with.. leave it with BM.
Personally, I agree with your
Personally, I agree with your SO not wanting the kids to have phones until they're 14. That's when they start going places alone with friends and it becomes necessary HOWEVER with the way that the world is today, cyber bullying, sexting, online predators and all that jazz it does need strict limits. That is a huge responsibility not only for the child but for the parent as well.
If it were me, I would ask my kid to put his phone in a basket where it would stay, the duration of the weekend. Then, I'm not taking it away completely, but I'm also not going to be responsible for keeping track of it, making sure it doesn't break and I'm also not being tracked by a BM who has nothing better to do with herself. If she complained about the rules I would let her know she doesn't live in my house and she doesn't get a say in the rules under my roof and be done with it.
Your SO is going to do as he sees fit. Plant the seed, he can take it or leave it but it's not really your issue to deal with. Take advantage of the "not my circus not my monkey's" rule while you can, because if your relationship progresses and you share a home with SO and skids, that luxury becomes much more complex.
Legally the father can take
Legally the father can take away the phone during his visitation time, or he can simply take the phone and hand it back to BM when he picks up the kid.
If your house rules states no phones till 14, BM can't over rule this...your house your rules, she's not part of it.
kick your BF in the nuts and tell him to grow a spine.
It's not OPs house though.
It's not OPs house though. She doesn't live there
since you don't live with SO,
since you don't live with SO, you can't possibly argue that it's your house and your rules. I think it's totally ridiculous to demand that kids don't have phones when they are with dad. They don't live with you! If it really bothers you then don't come over when kids are there or don't invite them over.
I know you complained before how much SO makes you watch the kids and how you do housework for him, but that's nothing to do with the phone. It's entirely your choice to do all these things .