Daughter steals constantly, mostly food, but I am losing my mind
*To preface this,my daughter is currently seeing a therapist and psychiatrist and they are aware of these issues*
BD is 11 years old and constantly stealing. I feel like I am losing my mind, She doesn't care what the consequence is, she just does continues to do it repeatedly-nearly every day she is here.
She steals nearly any and all food items, especially snacks or sweets. We stopped buying these, so she started taking massive spoonfuls of peanut butter, bags of cereal,crackers, or cheese, and pudding and milk to mix up in cups in her room. I started keeping some things in the freezer to deter her, but she takes those items as well.
Numerous times I have went to make dinner or a meal, and the ingredient/s I need are completely gone. She will watch me tear apart the fridge and cabinets for something I KNOW I just bought, and not say anything. (This is what gets on my nerves the most - feeling like I am forgetful or crazy looking for things)
She will also steal money, other personal belongings, and she has taken and ruined hundreds of dollars worth of craft supplies. She has taken as much as a week's pay (it was found, thankfully), but frequently takes small bills and change.
Saying this seriously affects my life and everyone's life in our house is an understatement. We have a lock on our bedroom door. I have to keep anything I don't want her taking under lock and key. I cannot keep any cash in my purse. I have to hide anything I care about, which means that I often don't get to do anything I enjoy, because it's too much work to haul everything out and put it away for the little amount of time I have to use those things. I seriously just want to cry right now. Nothing works!
I'd start by removing her
I'd start by removing her door and "stealing" everything out of her room while she watched me. Week by week as she doesn't continue to steal she would get items that belong to her back in her room.
I can see how this might be
I can see how this might be effective - BUT there are already 2 bags of her stuff that I have taken away in anticipation of her making changes to "earn" them back. Her birthday was in August, and most of her birthday gifts made there way into the bag by mid-Sept. She is not (obviously) currently trying to earn her stuff back at all.
How long has she been seeing
How long has she been seeing a therapist and psychiatrist? It will take time to determine the underlying issues. Hon, you'd have to follow her every single waking moment and sleep outside her door to ensure she doesn't steal at night. Until then, you may need to take some additional steps to retain a little sanity for yourself. Locks on the kitchen cabinets and refrigerator. Spy cams in rooms.
This has to be incredibly frustrating and upsetting. I'm so sorry. {{{{HUGS}}}}
She has been in therapy since
She has been in therapy since age 4, so more than half of her life. I know it's not realistic to watch her at all times, but it's tempting. We have had a lock on the fridge at times, and debated getting cameras, but that felt/feels really ishy... like living in a prison. I hate having locks on things, it's such a hassle all the time. I wish that something would change. We spend hours in therapy every week, and we keep going in hopes that there will be a break through. Psychiatrist hasn't ruled out an eating disorder of sorts, but her age is still young to diagnose many serious issues.
She's been in therapy since
She's been in therapy since she was 4 and no one knows what the issue is?
Belladonna, I was thinking
Belladonna, I was thinking the same thing. I'd seriously consider a new therapist/psychiatrist. :?
She does have diagnoses -
She does have diagnoses - (PTSD, ODD, ADHD, and Intermittent explosive disorder, but "team" agrees most of her issues stem from PTSD diagnoses.)Psychiatrist has told me on multiple occasions that meds alone will not solve her problems (duh) and ongoing therapy is essential. Problem is, she has been through SIX therapists since starting. Only one of those (the first one) we left off with voluntarily. The other 5 left the clinic/health group that they were part of and keeping her as a patient was not an option. The most recent one she was with for about 2 years, she was trusting her and making progress, then she left the state. Now, we have yet another therapist that we have started over with at the end of July this year.
She has also seen a dietician at the request of her primary care doctor, and that did not help one bit.
The cause of the PTSD had been determined to be seeing her dad abuse me, and also other women he has been in relationships with. (Not speculation. He got a slap on the wrist for the battery of charges he committed with me. Did it to some other women, then got felonies simply because he violated his probation of no same/similar offense within given time frame, and GF's daughter was present during the abuse.) He then disappeared for about a year, and then came back. From things my daughter says, he still acts the same way, and he treats me like garbage any chance he gets, but no charges have been pressed, so I am not able to modify the parenting plan. Hearsay doesn't get you very far in court.
Is this child you speak of
Is this child you speak of your step daughter.?
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you wrote:
She has stolen at school in the past, but it is currently not an issue to my knowledge.
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Curious lack of knowledge.
So your saying your daughter only steals at home. Your daughter has been in therapy since 4 years old.? Why has she been in therapy since 4?
Kids who hoard food...you call it stealing I call it hoarding food, often times do it because they had experience of not being feed. I have had experience of a brother and sister who gathered and hid food. Turns out MOM was a drug addict.
WHAT does the therapist say?
This is my own kid. She gets
This is my own kid. She gets plenty of food at my house. Although, if she is being super peckish, I try to steer her to fruit/veggies rather than eating bread and things that aren't healthy.
The only PROVEN incidence that I have of dad not providing food is when she was a super little baby. He basically threw us out on the street when she was about a month old, and refused to give us any formula. I was still on maternity leave, no savings, he took all $ I earned from me and spent it. I was on WIC, no car or DL, had just picked up all the formula for the month, and he decided that we were cramping his style and he wanted his 16 yr old GF to move in. He kept all the formula and was doling it out to me in little plastic baggies then disappearing for 3 days at a time. Had all of her clothes, too. I was so desperate that I called the police to help me get some of her stuff, but he refused, so they ended up taking me to a women's shelter.
Too young for eating
Too young for eating disorder? Ehh, NO! Has anyone mentioned Praters-Willys syndrome ? It's actually a cross circuit of the brain causing constant hunger. One of the first signs is "food stealing". Group homes of children and teens with this syndrome have padlocks on the fridge and freezers (all keyed the same) staff carries a key at all times, kitchens are adapted so all dry goods are in one locked location (pantry). I deal with this type of behavior every working day plus a weekend or two a month in MY HOME as respite with teens who live with parents. If the doctors haven't mentioned this, ASK them!
I have heard of this
I have heard of this actually. An family member's friends daughter had it. She passed away, unfortunately. (Not sure if it was from the disease in particular)
I will mention to the DR, but I don't think this is why she is doing it. When I have asked her about it, she has said that she isn't actually hungry, she eats junk because it "Makes her feel better when she is sad"
Ok, make sure anything
Ok, make sure anything physical is ruled out by a doctor, and to a therapist. DH and I have been approved to do some respit care with adults with developmental disabilities. The girl we have most often (I say girl, but she is 29) who does what is called "food stealing", if she gets food without anyone knowing, she will stuff her mouth with so much, so fast, that she will choke. If she wants food she gets it, but if she feels she is getting away with something, look out!!
So, her mom gave us what she uses at home, a special type of padlock for my fridge, and I have a child safety door knob cover for the pantry. It's not to deprive her, it's purely for her safety,if she gets food on her own, she could die! But some residential facilities do the same. There are also wireless door alarms you can use if they could be put high enough where she can't reach them, then at least it would alert you when she does it.
The only other thing I can suggest is making only the fruits and vegetables available to her, serve meals on a schedule, give her as much input as you can as to what the meals are might help. Ask her what else might make her feel better when she's sad. At some point you will have to insist on some physical activity if trading something active for electronic time doesn't help. You may have to resort to "we'll have dinner after we walk the dog and not until"
I know ,no parent wants to withhold anything for their child, think of it this way, if your house was on fire and you were on a second floor with your child, and the ONLY way to save her was to drop her out a second floor window, you would to save her life, even knowing she would have broken legs or worse, right? But she would be ALIVE!
First... get this kid to a
First... get this kid to a Doc and to a therapist to see if there is a medical issue. If there is no medical issue then it is behavioral and that you can deal with directly if the therapy doesn't work. Edit: I saw in a later comment that she has been in therapy for 7yrs. Never mind.
Put chains and locks on any doors to food including the fridge and freezer. End of food stealing problems. If she refuses to follow instructions (go outside and play) then shutdown any video access. No phone, no IPad, no TV, no computer.... zero, zip, nada. Then grab her by the ear, give it a twist and march her to the back yard the lock the door. She can either entertain herself or stand there. Her choice.
My SS was one who did not like to go outside. We got to where he had 2hrs of outside time each day and he literally would climb to the top of the playscape and sit for two hours without moving. He had an uncanny internal clock and would be knocking on the back door within +/-5Mins of two hours.
For some reason parents have lost the plot on the reality that kids do what they are told when they are told... PERIOD!
Or.... find a juvenile offender residential program and get her butt in it and keep her there until she either turns 18 or extricates her head from her butt.
Military School works wonders on these kinds of toxic spawn but most will not accept Cadets younger than 7th grade. They feed them adequately but if a Cadet has a weight problem they go to the fat farm table with very strict portion control and a very high level of marching and calisthenics. They stay on behavioral problems like flies on crap and the Cadet either complies or their life is a living hell. If you cant deliver a life of living hell as consequence for this behavioral crap then either outsource it or get her in the system so they can deal with her. Sit her down and explain to her that one more theft and you call the police and they will deal with her.
Then lather, rinse, repeat.
Sometimes only constant confrontation of poor behavioral choices is the only way to deal with serial behavioral issues when there is no other cause that can be addressed.
I know this has to be a heartbreaking situation for you. At these times I have to separate my decisioning from my emotions and focus on the behaviors and addressing them.
Good luck.