The Conclusion
Well, after a very trying few days and a fight between DH and BM, DH is letting sd16 go with BM to BM's bf town 300 miles away. We talked with sd and tried logic and reason but her only response was she just wants to be with BM. BM told DH that our rules and punishments were too strict and sd is always grounded and she has to look out for her daughters happiness.
After reading the responses to my blog and talking with his family and his best friend who went through a similiar situation DH tearfully decided the best thing is to let her go. Whatever sd told her family about us has them thinking we are the worst and I am a horrible person. Forcing her to stay would be a nightmare and I work in an industry where possible allegations or CPS shenanigans could cost me my livelyhood.
BM doesnt want CS, says she will handle the transportation and insurance. Or rather her new bf will since he has money. So DH will draw up the paperwork for her to sign.
My only request to DH is that he have his visitations with her at his mothers house nearby instead of here at my home. In light of the terrible things she said about me our relationship has changed for good and I do not trust her. My home is my safe place. I do not want her here snooping and stealing and running her mouth to BM about any perceived slight from me on her part. DH supported me on this.
I really do appreciate you ladies weighing in on this and giving your experiences. I will continue to read here and post when the need arises. Thank you all!
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Comments
Thank you, Granny!
Thank you, Granny!
Chef's kids PASed out almost
Chef's kids PASed out almost 8 yrs ago with zero contact. Took Chef a long time to heal. The Girhippo did everything in her power to destroy the relationship. Chef blamed me for over 5 years after the PAS out. These days I take every opportunity to point out what a disservice the Gir did to the skids. Whereas before I had to keep my mouth shut.
I too was relieved the skid's spying, sneaking, lying, stealing and us walking on eggshells was over--constantly worried that the skids would make up another pack of lies against us, which, in turn, would tickle the Girhippo pink. Then she would throw her weight around against us as a CPS worker.
The "clan" only lives 20 minutes away from us. I sold my beloved home to "be closer to the skids" (TM). The Gir just moved farther away from us (closer to HER BM).
"BM doesnt want CS" Don't bet on it. Chef is still paying through the nose for kids who have nothing to do with him.
The universe has called you to peace.
Thank you, Thinkthrice. I
Thank you, Thinkthrice. I have read your stories and Girhippo is really a piece of work. And a CPS worker no less! You are really a strong woman to deal with this for 8 long years.
Make BM put it in writing
Make BM put it in writing that she doesn't want CS. A judge might still order your DH to pay CS when/if BM changes her mind, but having that in writing may save your DH from being ordered to pay retroactively.
THIS!!!! In NY, it doesn't
THIS!!!! In NY, it doesn't matter what the BM says, they will MAKE NCP DAD pay CS!
That's terrible. I have heard
That's terrible. I have heard that NY is very very pro BM.
Yes he will have it written
Yes he will have it written into the modification just like it was for BM 5 yrs ago. She can always come back for CS later but at least it won't be retroactive. Thank you for your kind response!
Yes BM should put it all in
Yes BM should put it all in writing she does not need CS and she will do insurance and transport...
Then start working on your DH, SD will never be allowed to move back permanently, she fought tooth and nail to go and live with BM, as soon as that honeymoon is over she would want to run back, tell ya all how nasty BM and new BF is, they want her to do dishes and clean etc.... make sure she lives with her choices.
DH said the exact same thing,
DH said the exact same thing, she has to live with her choices. Of course right now he is very hurt and he may change his mind over time. I guess time will tell. Thank you, Acra!
the first time SD calls in
the first time SD calls in tears, Mum is a bitch she's abusing me, DH will run to help her... why cause now he's the nice parent again and belief me he will spoil her rotten and you will keep your mouth shut.
I've been there before, it's only now that SO is keeping his word, but it's only 2 months, I have this feeling as soon as Aergia gets what she wants she will be moving back before November...
Currently she asks for everything and he jumps through hoops pleasing her, I put a stop to it last night when she informed him she wants new glasses... I asked what happened with her old ones? Nothing, she simply wants new glasses cause she does not like the old ones anymore and medical is not going to pay... I said NO.... glasses is not a fashion statement...
StepAside, it is like you saw
StepAside, it is like you saw my life in a crystal ball! You nailed it. I met sd when she was 18 months old. Did all the classic sm mistakes, caring for her, arranging bday parties, getting Christmas gifts, etc. I thought I was a "bonus parent" so parented as I thought was right.
And I got along with BM and her family: we would sometimes do joint bdays, sent each other birthday and holiday cards, I would buy bday gifts for BM's other kids. BM's mom thought we were so great and co parenting so well. I never ever badmouthed BM or stepdad when sd would complain about them.
I joined this site about 2 yrs ago after DH got custody and things were going south with sd. I read the stories and saw how overinvolved I was and the rookie mistakes I had made. It was such an eye opener.
It took a while to fully disengage because I couldnt stand the stunts sd was pulling (sneaking unscrupulous friends into the house, trying to buy weed from a guy she knew from school, trying to sneak unto MIL's garage to have sex, and many others) I would bring it to DH's attention and he would deal with it but I see now that I wasnt disengaged. I shouldnt have been the sd monitor, that should have been dh. I made so many errors.
So about 6 months ago my go to words to sd were "Go ask your dad" I did not nag her about chores, I did not do her laundry, any school items, tampons etc DH would have have to be the one to get these things. Which led to conversations about me "not helping ". And which led to sd telling people I ignore her. I told DH that I cannot win either way.
And I noticed in my blog I did say "my house". Good call, for it is our house. I was being territorial and angry. But I feel so used now that I just cant stand to look at sd right now. I thought it would be better for their visits to take place at my MIL house until some time has passed. I didnt mean to allude that they should never visit, I just dont want her here in our house right now. I feel that if our home is so horrible and I am so horrible wouldnt it make sense to meet elsewhere? I know I sound like a rambling fool, my thoughts are all over the place.
Are you a therapist by any chance? If not, you should be, you are very good. You have given me alot to reflect on within myself. Thank you SA!
I hear ya, I think we all
I hear ya, I think we all need all need some peace in our lives about now.
Oh yes, he is expecting that
Oh yes, he is expecting that as soon as the honeymoon period is over and new bf gets tired of funding bm and sd's wants then bm will be asking for cs. Hopefully later rather than sooner, but like another poster said it will be 2 years. In our state cs ends at 18 or high school graduation whichever is later. So pray sd graduates on time, right? Thank you for responding!