The Christmas Card
Im needing 3rd party perspective on this card sd gave me for Christmas. Sd 16 stb17 moved 250 miles away last July with BM and BM New BF after telling the world how horrible I am and she just cannot live with me. (She moved in with us at 11 after saying the same thing about her stepdad). I still have the bus tire tracks on my back.
I havent said 2 words to her since, complete disengagement. My dh's gma died in November and at the funeral sd gave me a hug, and I just patted her on the back without actually hugging her. But I did not engage with her whatsoever. My social media accounts are all on lockdown.
This is what she wrote in the card:
Dear Fade,
I am writing this because I am not good at going up to people and expressing my feelings. But I wanted to say I know things have happened in the past and we arent in a good place right now, but I do love you and I want us to get past this. I hope you like your gift.
Love, SD
Now let me say, I know some SM's here have it waaaay worse than this. I do not want to seem ungrateful.
But my heart tells me that Dh or someone put her up to this, to "make things right". Second, there is no apology in this card for her actions. Just "let's get past this ", basically just sweep it away and lets go back to happy times.No accountability, just being nice because once again she got her own way (moving in with bm) and she didnt care who she trampled to get her way.
Im sure dh will be all giddy, "oh look, she is sorry, all is forgiven " about it. He hasnt said anything yet about the card. I havent said anything either except for now.
Any insight would be appreciated. Feel free to read my blogs if you need more backstory. Thanks!!
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Comments
For a person who claims to
For a person who claims to not be good at expressing her feelings, she didn't seem to have any trouble doing so when she wanted to blast criticisms of her stepparents (you included) all over, did she?
I may be jaded, but I would not trust this to be a sincere gesture. There has to be an angle to this - something she wants perhaps? Or as you say, your DH put her up to it so he can get some benefit out it - perhaps your disengagement is causing him to work more on his relationship with her, having to deal with her on his own?
2Tired, that was exactly my
2Tired, that was exactly my first thought! You completely read my mind. I didnt write it out because I didnt want to sway anyone's opinion. But you nailed it, and if that makes you jaded, then so am I.
Thank you for responding!
My SD did the same thing with
My SD did the same thing with me for my birthday “dear advice, I know we have our differences, let’s get past them blah blah blah.” I took it with a grain of salt. SD had zero problem telling people how much she hated me, told people I was worthless and she would kill me if she could. If she was truly sorry for her horrid actions and hurtful words she should have stopped doing them and apologized.
Ugh, your sd said she would
Ugh, your sd said she would kill you?? What a crazy b.
That is what irritated me as well, lets just get past this. And how, pray tell? I was raised to personally apologize to the person I have wronged. Yes it is uncomfortable as hades, but I had to own up to my part. Something these COD's are uncapable of doing.
If I received this letter I
If I received this letter I would think that she wants something. Not sure what it is. I would never mention this to your husband and see what happens.Act like you never got the letter. I think she could want to move back with you and DH.
Funny you said that,
Funny you said that, queensway. Dh had mentioned about a month ago that sd was thinking of going to Ourtown University. When she moved in July she and bm's family were all about her going to New BF Town University. Now she wants to attend Ourtown U? We have no place for her as our home is gutted (thanks Harvey). Im sure dh probably gave that as the reason she cant stay, rather than address her actions.
I already hid the card, I will not say a word, and we will see what happens. I think you are right.
She opened the door, now
She opened the door, now let's see if she's smart enough to walk through it.
If she wants to "get past this" then that will most likely require a conversation. If she doesn't give you what you feel you need in that conversation then things stay as they are. Nothing gained nothing lost.
At the same time I also learned a long time ago how to accept an apology I never got. Actions speak louder than words. Pay attention to what she does to make it better. That will tell you all you need to know.
I am a firm believer in
I am a firm believer in actions, too. I always preach, dont tell me, show me. I am so afraid this is all for show so she can come back here to live. I have bit my tongue enough, with the stinky bloody pads smelling up the bathroom to the wet clothing/towels on the carpet. I am so tired
What is she requesting in
What is she requesting in terms of moving forward?
Is she asking you to buy her a car?
No one is good at saying they were wrong. Even more so a teen. She's acting pretty mature it seems. I'm not saying forget what happen and welcome her back with open arms. No car but if she wants to have a coffee to talk about things great.
What do you want in the long run because this could end multiple ways. You guys all move past and become an amazing family again, you guys are civil and have a simple respect for each other, or BD says "Your mean and won't even try. I'm gone..... Of course there's other possibilities for sure. These are 3 examples.
I would say if DH put her up to it you'd think he'd know she sent the card.
There's a good chance when she saw you and you didn't hug back she stated to realize what she did. I would guess she asked for advice for sure because this does seem really advance for her age / unusual for a teen to send a letter.... that doesn't mean she's not the one who honestly wants to repair things.
Decide if you want to try and move forward like I said. How does that future look and what do you need to get there. Maybe it's not possible so what's acceptable what do you demand?
No, no new car as bm gave her
No, no new car as bm gave her her old "new" car that bms current hubby is still paying for, and New BF got bm another car. New BF also got sd a new iphone, we never got her one as we couldnt trust her to do right with it. So she moved away with bm and now new bf is funding everything without question. Aaand, controlling ass bf broke up with sd a few weeks into bootcamp, so now she has nobody.
I really don't know now what my end goal is, to be honest. I am afraid of letting her back in, only to go through the same mess.Sheis also telling DH about BM and new BF problems. I am sure she would do the same with us.
Exactly. Op tell her that
Exactly.
Op tell her that you will forgive but not forget and she’s welcome to visit but never to live with you again.
This is my fear. Yep, time
This is my fear. Yep, time will tell.
It’s my experience that
It’s my experience that teenagers can’t own their words and actions. Or maybe it’s just COD teenagers. They have zero ability to apologize.
OSD, now 23, has yet to apologize for saying to me that if DH and I didn’t have DS-then-8, DH would have more money to spend on her. Note that she left YSD out of that calculation. “I’m sorry NTM told you about that” was her response to DH calling her out on it. She wasn’t sorry she said it; she was sorry it got back to DH.
YSD, now 19, has yet to apologize for posting nasty memes about “niggas”, memes that insinuate that all black men are worthless, roving relationship partners. She’s not black. DS11 is. “Nigga” is a PC alternative to its root word she says.
Nope, they are experts at the non-apology apology.
Yes mam, the non apology
Yes mam, the non apology apology. This sums it up. I feel like everything is being swept under the rug. Like another poster said, it is time for a conversation. Only, to be honest, I am still so angry, I dont trust myself to be impartial. That is the honest truth.
Honestly… I think it is
Honestly… I think it is really mature of her to do that. And maybe she did not apologize because she does not think she has any reason to do so. And that is ok. At least she is being a grown up and reaching out. And that is giant for a 16 year old GIRL to do. They are normally pretty horrible.
I would proceed with caution, but I would proceed. Don’t get hung up on the apology.
Good luck…teen girl are the worst. Correction…teen STEP girls are the worst.
Thank you, Willow. I feel
Thank you, Willow. I feel like I should proceed, I am just afraid of being made to look like a jackhole again.
Maybe it’s a mature action.
Maybe it’s a mature action. Maybe it’s just manipulation. No way to know really.
She mentioned a gift. Politely thank her for the gift, wish her a happy New Year but don’t get into anything else.
She is still young and could grow up to be a decent human being - or not. Again no way to know now. Just politely and civilly deal with her when you must and see what kind of person she turns out to be. None of this has to be resolved today.
But do not allow her to move back in under any circumstances. That would not end well and might prevent you from ever having a decent relationship with her.
I love your comment, "None of
I love your comment, "None of this has to be resolved today". This is so true. I have time to put feelers out and wait and see. And yes, moving in would send me over the edge right now. Thank you for responding!
Her mom should teach her if
Her mom should teach her if she is looking for forgiveness, it requires more than a letter or a phone call.
She should say WHAT specifically she did wrong. 1. I stole from you 700. 2. I said you were awful. 3. I told people lies about you and dad etc etc etc.
Apologize for each thing separately.
Say she will never do it again
Follow up with actions proving to you she will not repeat.
You are not required to forgive or forget. SHE on the other hand is required to act.
**don't let some folks tell you it is CHRITIAN LIKE to forgive** They are misinformed of what goes along with forgiveness.
Goodluck, you have said what
Goodluck, you have said what I was unable to articulate. She needs to act. I want to see something of contrition, something that actually shows she is sorry for her actions. This may be a while, or not. Like Notasm says, this doesnt need to be resolved today. So I have some time on my side, I suppose. I just don't want to be all, oh all is well now, and her card was just for show. Kinda tired of looking like a jackhole lol!