Moving Skids STUFF

I was reading No Name’s posts about SS not moving his belongings out of her house, and it made me think about my own situation with SS21.

A little background:

Throughout his high school years, we had many issues with SS21. Drugs, almost didn’t graduate, totaled both cars we bought for him (yes 2), and had parties at our house on the rare occasion we went out of town. You get the picture.

Then after completely failing his first year of college, to the tune of $30k out of my and DH’s pockets, he decided to ‘just work’. Well, you can about imagine how that went. He laid around doing NOTHING. He barely worked, laid around gaming and smoking weed - and who knows what else - in his bedroom, in our basement, etc. We would have talk after talk with him - telling him that we do not allow drugs in our home, and that he needed to get a job. We tried everything from yelling to having very controlled conversations with him. We would tell him we were there to help and support him if he wanted it. Nothing worked.

During each of these conversations, he would shed his usual alligator tears. He would tell us he was anxious and under a lot of stress. He would end up pissed off at us, and would disappear for a few days. Eventually he would show up back at home and pick up his life, and habits, right where he left off.

Flash forward to October 2016. We had to have another talk with him regarding his lack of work, and his drug use, etc. There was no yelling, just stated that if you are going to live here, you MUST have a full time job and there are to be NO DRUGS in the house. One day he just stopped coming home.

At that point, without telling us, he moved into his Grandpa’s house (DH’s dad). He has been there ever since. He has NO responsibility there. No chores to do, no rent to pay, can come and go as he pleases, and can smoke what he wants, when and where he wants. It’s actually been great – less drama at our house!

BUT, his bedroom at our house is still sitting there, exactly as he left it almost a year ago. This is where I am ready to lose it. DS8 and DS7 have shared a room their entire lives because we only have 3 bedrooms for the kids. Now that SS21 is living with Grandpa, I want him to come and get all of his crap out of there so we can GUT THAT ROOM, redo it, and move one of my boys into it. I don’t feel we need to leave it sit vacant, as we need the space, and because he decided to leave because our rules were just too strict for him. I am also afraid that if we continue to leave it open, it will give him the option to someday move home if he decides he wants to. I know DH would let him if he asked.

Every once in a while DH will mention that he’s going to tell him he has to come get all of his crap, but he never follows through. I have been tempted to bag the shit up myself and throw it out in front of the house and tell him to come get it, but I’m too afraid to touch anything in his room. It’s DISGUSTING, and frankly, I don’t feel like it’s my job to get this ball rolling. He’s old enough to live on his own, and since he decided he wanted to live with Grandpa, he should come get his crap. WE ARE NOT A STORAGE FACILITY.

Have any of you had to deal with a similar situation? If so, how did you handle it?

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I'd tell him he has until

I'd tell him he has until this weekend to get his crap out. After that you will start throwing/donating things away.

My thoughts exactly!!^^

I'd just pack the shit up

I'd just pack the shit up myself and drop it at Grandpas and be done with it. The first time SD moved in with us when she was 14, she lasted 3 months and then her and DH got into it over a trip to Walmart. She lied and got GBM to come and get her and then thought she was just going to run off and stay there for a few days. DH said no way, no how, that he was not going to play those stupid games. He told her if she was not home by 7 p.m. he was packing up her shit and dropping it off at GBMs. No SD at 7 p.m so DH packed up her room and drove to GBM's and dumped it all off. Adios.

If you wait for a lazy slob to do it, it will never get done, or it will get done 1/2 ass. Pack it up and be done with it, then he has ZERO reason to return.

Wow - good for your DH! I

Wow - good for your DH! I can't ever imagine mine stepping up like that. He's too afraid he'll 'lose' him. And you're right. If we tell him he needs to do it, it will NEVER get done - let alone 1/2 ass.

He doesn't even have a car. Gets Grandpa to play taxi for him. Gross.

probably sounds awful, but

probably sounds awful, but yes, my DH used to kowtow to skids and BMS because he was afraid of losing them, but after years of just ridiculous, uncalled for nonsense and crappy behavior, he got to the point that he just doesn't really care if they want to disown him. I think it would be a relief for him. They are both adults (18 and 19) he tried his best, it's up to them now.

So you get it....ugh, so

So you get it....ugh, so sorry to hear.

But here's where I hesitate. I have tried to disengage from ALL bullsh#$ with ALL of the skids. But when circumstances impact my DS8 and DS7, I tend to step back in briefly.

What I'm trying to figure out is how I 'help' DH to follow through on having SD get his crap out, while till trying to stay disengaged? Not sure if it's possible.....

And I would hope he’d be willing to help bag things up. But who knows? I think he still feels like we ‘kicked SS out’. He has said that to me more than once, and I gently remind him that the last conversation we had with SD when he was living at home was very calm. We were just reminding him of the BASIC rules and expectations of anyone living under our roof at his age. He chose to leave on his own.

So I think for him, this would be reinforcing that thought of 'kicking him out', if that makes sense? :?

YES - all of this!! I have

YES - all of this!! I have said this more times than i can count. I couldn't agree more that it is not our goal to be their friends. Kids need love, guidance, boundaries, and help in becoming responsible/respectable adults.

Loving your kids does NOT mean letting them walk all over you, disrespect you and treat you like crap, or use you as an ATM.

If I had done any of the stuff as a kid that SS17 has gotten away with, I would have been knocked into next week!

I see no reason why you can't

I see no reason why you can't bag up his things and put them in the garage or call your SS to come get them. Your DH has said he wants to do it, he just doesn't do it. So I feel that it is your right to clean the room out.

My DH has three sons...I had one BS. We bought a three bedroom house with a large finished basement.
We gave OSS and BS their own rooms and MSS/ YSS shared the finished basement.
After a year or two of living here, OSS stopped coming over. After a few months of no visits from OSS, MSS and YSS took over OSS's room. After a year, DH moved all of OSS's things out and gave the room to the two younger ones.

I was lucky that DH made that decision on his own...but I would have done it myself had he not.

WE ARE NOT A STORAGE

WE ARE NOT A STORAGE FACILITY.

Storage facilities auction that crap off after a certain amount of time. Just sayin'.

It's been long enough and leaving that room vacant, with his stuff in there, does not say "moved out" to me. You are not holding that room for him while he's on an extended vacation.

I would casually mention to your DH that you are going to start re-doing that room on such-and-such date, so SS needs to come and get his crap or ask DH when he can take it to SS.

Hey - good point! And I

Hey - good point! }:)

And I agree, it's like SS is 'saving his space' with all of his crap. Just in case he changes his mind and wants to come back. That's what I'm worried about.

I like your idea of just mentioning that I am planning on re-doing the room during a certain time frame, and see what his reaction is. I have to admit, I'm kind of nervous. Me addressing situations with the skids usually sparks a huge fight between us....which is why I have disengaged from most everything at this point.

Make it about the room and

Make it about the room and what you want to do with it, SS and his stuff are just afterthoughts, not your focus.

Get some paint chips, pictures of curtains and wall decor, a whole spread of ideas. Then, one day, very casually and out loud, wonder when SS is going to come get his stuff or when your husband can take it to him.

If your husband balks, be perplexed, "SS has moved in with Grandpa, I assumed we were going to re-do that room together and were just waiting for him to get his stuff but it's been 9 months."

Or whatever will work with your model.

YES - this is perfect!

His dad needs to tell him to

His dad needs to tell him to come pack up.. or it will be done for him.

Instead of general suggestions/discussions about it to DH tell him this.

"So.. I want to move DS8 into SS21's old room before school starts in a few weeks. I will need some time to repaint etc.. before school. I am going to start that next week so please tell your son that he needs to come pack his stuff and have it moved by Sunday.. or I will have to pack it up for him."

Any reluctance is answered with.

SS is an adult and 21, he clearly didn't want to live by our house rules and is living elsewhere. That room is not going to sit unused while our other kids are jammed in a room together.

This was the exact scenerio

This was the exact scenerio that happened with now ss32 but he was then 28. He was sorta living with his mother but all of his crap was here including his filthy hoardy room that he felt he could use as a flop pad now and then.

My kids were crammed in one room and it only made sense to use the other room since ss technically did not live here. DH got onboard but was tooooo busy to help pack since he had to work. Well I worked too but with DH's blessing I got the room boxed up and stuck all of his stuff in our basement. DH told ss to come get it, it took many months (ss's stoner schedule was super busy) but eventually there was something he wanted (probably the pipe or bong I packed) so he came.

After that experience I would advise SM's never to touch or box up one item of skids belongings. Have DH do it or hire someone $10-20 to do it. For months afterward I could always tell when ss would unpack some of his belongings because he would show up and interrogate me about things of his that were missing. Then I would hear him loudly yelling at DH about his missing items and how I *CLAIMED* that I don't know anything about them.

Yes have his stuff boxed up. No, do not touch anything or you will forever be blamed for *stealing* from ss.

OMG I never thought of that.

OMG I never thought of that. :O

Not sure if SS would blame me or DH for 'stealing' anything or not? Even if he did, not sure I would even care? Anything of value he had/has, he got from us over the years (cars, phones, tv's, gaming systems, etc). Most, if not all of those items he has sold for money, lost, or destroyed.

So I think it's mostly clothes, and a ton of other random crap. I would wash and donate the clothes to the Vets, or simply throw away if in rough shape. The remaining stuff can be tossed, or boxed up and brought to Grandpa's as far as I'm concerned.

ESMOD - I was actually

ESMOD - I was actually thinking of this exact timing.

School does start in a few weeks and it would be a great transition time for them to move into separate rooms!! I would show him the carpet and color swatches/ideas, and present it that way.

And yes, I have told DH before that since SS21 has chosen to move out, he does not get to keep that room on hold until he feels like he wants to come back. That got us in a huge fight and that was the last time it was addressed.

As far as I know, SS and DH don't talk.

I think instead of presenting

I think instead of presenting it as something open for discussion, presenting it as a final decision would be best.

Hey DH, I'm painting SS21's old room and putting down new carpet in there next week. Do you think carpet is good or should we do laminate instead? I need to get it done before school starts so we need to decide now.

Oh, by the way, I need you to call SS21 and let him know that we are going to pack his things he left here for him unless he wants to do it himself. I'm going to start painting next week, so if he wants to do it, it has to be this weekend.

So, just present it as fait acompli. a decision has been made and all you are asking him about is color choice/materials... oh and to get him to call his son.

Oh you are one good SM..... I

Oh you are one good SM.....

I would simply start bagging his crap and put it in the garage, I will go through his crap, trash what I think and store what I want... storage will not be allot belief me. I'm not a hoarder. (I might be super nice and go and drop his shit off at his new pozzy)

Then I will simply start on the room, I'm sorry but my kids comes first. SS had enough time, almost a year to come and get his shit, he did not thus according to me , all is for donating and or trashing.

Aergia left 2 months ago.... There's nothing left in her room, we cleared it all out, SO dropped it off cause I made it clear, she will not be coming and going as she please, locks got changed as well, now she needs to inform him if she's going over to the house or not. And she can only get in when he's there, not even when I'm there and he's not. I refuse to open the door and tell her - come back when your father is here...

Lol Arca! I'm not a good SM

Lol Arca! I'm not a good SM - just one that picks my battles, and is trying to stay as disengaged as possible until the skids have launched.

And yes, I feel like I have been patient with the room. Time for some changes!!

This comes under the "My

This comes under the "My Shrine to my Child" chapter.
If DH isn't on board with the decorating idea ask him for a few flameless candles and get a photo of SS. Drape it in leis and flowers and play chanting music LOUDLY when DH wants peace a quiet.

When my SSs and bios moved out we gave them 6 weeks to change their minds. Everyone gets one 'Return to Home" card with an expiry date. After 6 weeks that space was reclaimed. I now have a nice sewing room for my quilty stuff. I think reclaiming the room for a permanent member of the house makes perfect sense. What concerns me is why have you waited so long?

Do you have a garage?

Everyone has great ideas but my fear would be that DH tells SS that he needs to get his stuff and that will trigger SS to want to move back in ASAP just to be an ass.

I think I would just tell DH…..”Since SS does not live here anymore and has been gone almost a year, I am going to redo that room. Can we move all of his stuff to the garage tomorrow or this weekend? We can store if for him until he gets his own place.”

That way, he does not get SS involved……you look great since you want to store it for him……DH will probably get tired of the garage being full of crap. lol

We can store if for him until

We can store if for him until he gets his own place.

But, he has his own place...at Grandpa's!

I wouldn't want SS back in the house, getting any ideas, either, so OP's husband needs to take his son his stuff. They have been storing it long enough and I don't know about other people, but we use our garage for our cars. No room for someone elses crap!

They have been storing it

They have been storing it long enough and I don't know about other people, but we use our garage for our cars. No room for someone elses crap
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

That is the whole point. BUT…if she tells him to take SS his stuff, I almost guarantee he will hear …“Hey DH pack your sons shit and get it out of my house because I hate him”. She already said it usually turns into a big fight

So this way she will NOT be the one to say get it out of the house. She will not be the bad ol SM. And maybe it will avoid a fight.

Hopefully, once DH gets sick of having crap in HIS garage he will man up and make the man child take his stuff.

This is exactly what DH would

This is exactly what DH would 'hear' me saying, and this is exactly the situation I'm trying to avoid with him. But you're right! If DH's garage is compromised - it might prompt him get rid of the shit sooner than later!

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