DH dealt mighty blow to marriage. See no recovery options- Rant

My DH is a Disney dad who is often manipulated by BM in regards to their children. I love my step children dearly but I mostly disengaged years ago for the sake of my sanity. The exception is when there will be an impact to my bios, then I engage. We have been together 9 years.
For this to make sense, it's important to know that our two youngest children (my BS17 and SS15) are particularly close. They consider themselves brothers and have a very good relationship. BM doesn't like this and constantly tells SS15 that BS17 is not his brother and that he will never see him again if DH and I get a divorce.
BS17 went to Europe with his class and was gone for 3 weeks. SS15 is going on vacation with BM for two weeks. There was only one day between when BS17 came back and SS15 was leaving, that was yesterday. Both boys mentioned that they had made plans to hang out and play a new video game together. DH traded weeks with BM due to the planned vacation so we had SS15 for two weeks straight. BM came to where we were watching fireworks on the 4th of July beccause she missed SS15. BS17 called SS15 from Europe while we were there and you could tell that BM didn't like it. I mentioned it to DH and told him that I thought she was going to stir up some drama, probably by wanting to pick up SS15 early so BS17 could not see him. DH said he would not let that happen and agreed he would stick to the orignal day no matter what.
Well I get home yesterday and in the course of conversation DH mentions that BM is going to pick up SS15 a day early so he won't be coming to airport with us to get BS17. I reminded DH of our agreement and said it hurts my feelings when he breaks agreements we make, especially in situations where it feels like he is choosing BM's needs over mine.
This is where I got a great shock. DH looked right at me and said I don't give a fuck about your feelings you stupid cunt. I am tired of having to worry about how you are going to feel about everything I do. I am going to do what I want, it's my decision. I was so hurt tears welled up, he saw the tears and literally started screaming and cussing at me for half an hour. By the end of things I was downright sobbing and he left the room in a huff slamming the door. I was on the bed and DH left his phone on the bed. Less than a minute after he left the room, his phone buzzed and I see a text from BM cross the screen saying how much she appreciates him working with her and that she was about to come over to get SS15.
This is where I did a very bad thing. I was so upset and angry, I grabbed the phone and texted BM that unfortuntely she would have to pick up SS15 at the orignal agreed upon time the next day. I regretted it the second I hit send and tried to hit delete, but I could tell the message went through because she instantly texted back, Why?. I did not answer.
About 20 min later DH came in the room and apologized for screaming at me and said he didn't know why he got so angry. I confessed what I had done. DH immediately turned bright red, leaned into my face so close I could feel spittle and screamed, HOW DARE YOU? YOU HAD NO RIGHT, YOU DESERVE TO DIE FOR THIS, I WOULD BE WITHIN MY RIGHTS TO GOUGE OUT YOUR EYES AND CUT OFF YOUR FINGERS FOR THIS, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU CAN GET IN THE MIDDLE OF MY DECISIONS ABOUT MY SON? TAKE YOUR SHIT AND GET THE FUCK OUT LOOSER CUNT! Then he left the room again.
I was utterly in shock. I went to airport to get BS17 and DH showed up there with SS15. I did not want to make a scene so I said nothing and just brought BS17 home. DH and SS15 came home too and we all listened to BS17 tell about his trip. Eventually I went to bed and DH never came to bed. DH came in to get dressed for work this morning, I didn't know what to say and pretended to still be sleeping. DH kissed my forehead and left for work. I am at a complete loss. Obviously I can't put up with that behavior, but I have no frame of reference for how to proceed. I am both devastated and the angriest I have ever been, all at once.

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How long have you been with

How long have you been with DH? Has he ever done anything like this before??

Yep.. he would have to have a

Yep.. he would have to have a serious mental infarction to get any kind of pass.

I asked because if they've

I asked because if they've been together for 20 years and he's never done anything like this before then maybe there is something wrong with him (brain tumor) or maybe he's having an affair or who knows what?

If they've only been together a couple of years, maybe he's just been hiding his crazy?

9 years and no he hasn't. We

9 years and no he hasn't. We have had fights but never has he spoken to me like that. That is why I am so shocked! I know I shouldn't have texted BM, but the thought of her not only getting her way but then also coming over to add to the worst experience of my life was too much to bear in that moment. I regret it, but I don't think it justifies the reaction it got. And even if DH thinks it does, how does he justify the things he said before that? And why did he kiss my forehead? Does he think I am going to just ignore the whole thing? This feels like some kind of nightmare.

I didn't agree to stay. I

I didn't agree to stay. I just left to get my son and didn't want to make a scene in the airport or in front of the kids when DH showed up there. I literally haven't spoken a single word to DH since this occurred. DH hasn't said anything to me either or texted from work like he normally does.

It is so hard to accept that

It is so hard to accept that but he sure did. I still can't believe it happened. I know I shouldn't have texted BM, but I deserve to DIE for that? WTF

Has anything like this ever

Has anything like this ever happened before? I mean, if this is totally out of the blue, then he most likely needs medical attention. Otherwise, you need to decide if you're going to continue the relationship. Because a line was crossed, obviously, and unless he's shocked at his behaviour himself, then you'll be seeing more of the same.

It hasn't happened before,

It hasn't happened before, but does that really matter?

Well, yes. If this is

Well, yes. If this is 'normal' for him, then you have accepted a certain status quo in your relationship with him. If you wanted things to change, the things you would have to change from that status quo are much different than if this happened out of nowhere.

Has he recently started taking any medication, even for something unrelated? There was a drug used to treat depression several years ago that had, for a very small number of people, a side-effect of addictive behaviour. The article I read was about the family of a woman who was being treated for depression and ended up developing a gambling addiction that bankrupted the family before anyone figured out what was causing her behaviour. Once she came off the depression meds she returned to normal and was so ashamed.

In your shoes, I really think you have no choice but to move out as soon as possible. Possibly even file a police report due to the threats your husband uttered - mostly because there is something very strange about such unexpected and aggressive behaviour, and it's good to have that documented for your own safety.

If the relationship is salvagable, it will have to come from your husband's side. I wouldn't take the words he said very seriously, but I would take it very seriously that he lost control in a way that threatened violence towards you.

Echo, I'm not sure where

Echo, I'm not sure where medical 'pass' came from, but I think that if someone was under the influence of something, and then chooses to not be under that influence anymore.... is different from someone deciding that it's ok to violently threaten and attack another.

If the OP is wise, I think she'll hightail it out of there. Because her job in life is to take care of herself and her child(ren).

I just don't think that one moment is necessarily the defining moment of an entire person. Sometimes it is. But not always.

You didn't say but I can't

You didn't say but I can't believe this is the first time DH has talked to you with those words since you make it sound that they came so easy to him.

No angry person that I have ever met has said those type of things to me or others. I have just never heard anyone talk that way. I can't even comprehend the type of person you call a DH but I understand what you said, that you can't put up with it and no, you can't. For your sake and the sake of your son, you need a new place or at least counseling.

Sometimes a situation is so surreal that you are left with the exact questions you asked, as in WTH??? and losing that frame of reference you really need right now. Let me say, what he said and did is not normal in my world. That is only my frame of reference but since yours is on the fritz, I don't mind sharing mine

It really is the first time

It really is the first time that is why I am so shocked and heartbroken. I know I can't put up with it. It threw me that DH showed up at the airport and is ignoring the whole thing. I also feel a measure of responsibility for texting BM from his phone, though that obviously didn't deserve the reaction it got.

I read your responses and I

I read your responses and I am sending you hugs....you really need hugs and support right now :)...your texting thing is very separate from the rest of this....

Wow. He threatened you. Why

Wow. He threatened you. Why didn't you pack a bag, have BS17 pack a bag, and go stay in a hotel??

Maybe he had a psychotic break. Maybe he's doing drugs. Regardless, that kind of treatment should be intolerable to you. If he's never done this before, he needs to find out WHY his behavior has done a 180 and he flipped out.

It was time to leave to get

It was time to leave to get BS17 at the airport, so I left. I figured I would go from there, but then DH showed up at the airport with SS15. I didn't want to make a scene at the airport and in front of the kids, so I just said nothing and we all went home.

Why did you stay after he

Why did you stay after he left for work?? At that time, I would have gotten some things together, written him an email or text, sent it, and left for a hotel. Something is not right here.

IS he taking any medication? Anything new? I was once taking a medication that made me angry. Every day I took it, I got angrier and angrier. It got to the point where I was literally LOOKING for an excuse to get into a physical altercation with someone. I immediately called my doctor who told me to stop taking it. I was back to my old self within a week.

I don't have an answer for

I don't have an answer for that. I am just sitting here trying to absorb that this really happened and I really have to do something. Writing this blog was a way of procrastinating I suppose. DH will be gone for hours, so I am not worried about my safety at this moment. It feels like if I go wake up BS17 and we pack and leave, it suddenly makes it all real. Even though I know it's already real and doing nothing is not an option, here I still sit at my computer.

You are building mental

You are building mental strength and formulating a plan. Procrastination can help to calm our nerves as well as be a way to distract us from the task at hand. So while you are at the computer you can start work on your plan. Where will you go to stay? Do you have relatives or a friend who can put you up or do you need to find a shelter or a motel/hotel? Find somewhere to stay for tonight that is your step one.

^^Yes, do this. Also, what

^^Yes, do this.

Also, what is your financial situation? Do you have a joint bank account or are they separate?

I know you are upset, scared, worried... feeling a multitude of different things, and it seems overwhelming. Safety first. Make your plan and get started.

I truly understand you feel like he broke something inside of you. My exH was a clever mental abuser. One day, he lost control and beat the daylights out of me. I was torn. I still loved him but I was shattered inside and terrified. The only reason I did NOT go back to him was because my brothers threatened to put me in the hospital for a psych observation.

Please, please, please, find someone who will help you through this terrible time. {{{hugs}}}

DH showed up at the airport

DH showed up at the airport with SS15. I will eventually have to tell SS15 something.

It sounds bad but I almost

It sounds bad but I almost don't care if it is a medical issue. It's like DH broke something inside of me and now I still love him but also just can't care about him the same way since he obviously doesn't care about me if he could say those things to me. Yet at very same time I am absolutely devastated at the idea of not being with him.

It doesn't sound bad at all

It doesn't sound bad at all d! It doesn't matter - this is a pivotal point where a cycle of abuse can take hold. Silence or staying will condone the behaviour. We can take responsibility for a poor choice - in this case texting BM - and own that however the response you got back was over the top dangerous and requires action. Go and get yourself safe. It's the only shot over the bow of your relationship you can take at this point. I hope you've taken it and that you're safe!

I agree with those who think

I agree with those who think it's a medical issue

Or he wants the marriage to end but is to much of a coward to say so and is hoping to push you into bringing it up first. Any suspicion of an affair? Regardless, you need to pack and go spend a few days in a hotel or with a family or friend until you figure out how to proceed next. Do not try to forget about this, it needs to be addressed one way or another.

No suspicion of an affair,

No suspicion of an affair, but then again it seems DH has a completely different side to him, so who knows?

If this is truly out of

If this is truly out of character, he needs to be evaluated asap. Until he does, you and your son stay with a friend or family member starting right now.

Quite frankly at this point

Quite frankly at this point that is his problem. My problem is willing myself to accept the reality of this and force my body to do what needs to be done instead of sitting here crying and talking. I don't mean that as a slight, I am so grateful you are all here. I just need to move but I can't seem to bring myself to do it.

You are right- that's his

You are right- that's his problem Your problem is making sure you and your son are safe. That means leaving.

Nope. I don't even have a

Nope. I don't even have a dog.

Crew was the name of a user

Crew was the name of a user who told a terrible story about her poor dog and had everyone feeling sorry for her. It turned out story was fake and she was just yanking everyone's chain for her own amusement, basically being a troll. Since then people have used the word crew for that here, although some people still use troll too.

Dogs were involved in the

Dogs were involved in the original crew story.

I had another username long

I had another username long ago when I first started dealing with blended family issues. I stopped needing to post awhile after I disengaged, but I still lurk. I made a new account this morning because I couldn't remember the old info but I know how helpful you all are and I needed to get all this out. I am going now. I will check back in when I get a chance. Thank you all very much for listening and giving such great advice!!!

********

wow. hugs and I am so sorry.

wow. hugs and I am so sorry. Now, get up, get DS tell him what happened and leave. Or if you prefer, go to the police, tell them DH threatened you and get a RO, change the locks and tell DH to leave (have the cops tell him).

This is serious. He threatened your life. Get yourself safe, then the ball is in DH's court. He takes himself to the MD, then a therapist, then to anger management or AA or whatever and fixes his own problem. Only after that do you even consider working on the marriage with him.

Dude, If this is truely out

Dude, If this is truely out of the norm then you should consider the following:

1. Drug use
2. Drug side effects (has he started taking ANYTHING new? Check for side effects and possible interactions)
3. Medical. (Brain tumor, seizure, stroke, et al)
4. Mental (psychotic break, mental illness)

The only way I (and my BS17) would remain in that house is if he was evaluated by a medical professional immediately.

Cheaters who want to get

Cheaters who want to get caught will leave their phones lying around... Then you end the relationship and the cheater is the injured party. :sick:

The husband of my dear friend

The husband of my dear friend who I lost to cancer last year had a brain tumor, and he radically changed too - changing from being the sweetest, mellowest guy to a stranger who was quickly irritated and agitated beyond all reason at imagined slights - it took a year before his diagnosis revealed the same reason.

However, right now you can't know if it's medical, intentional, drugs, or if he's been hiding his true self for 9 years - you no longer know what to expect. As others have suggested, safety 1st. Do you have a trusted family member or friend you & son can stay with?

When you leave, remember to turn off iphone or android "location" or any GPS tracking if H can find you that way.

You can refuse to be paralyzed by fear - you don't have to figure everything out right now, you just have to take the next right action. Make that phone call. If they don't answer, make another call to a hotel knowing you can cancel the reservation if your call gets returned. Pack a bag with deoderant, toothbrush, floss, make-up & hair products, phone chargers, several days worth of outfits for both of you, grab some bottled waters, fruit & snacks... and GO. Start driving. You can go to a park or a shopping center to make more calls or look up hotels from there. You can book one night at a hotel, make sure it has a hot tub and pool/gym so you can do something physical, which will help you sleep & be relaxing (your situ is super stressful on every level!). You can do this. I am concerned about you and look forward to hearing that you've taken action and gotten you and your son to safety, to somewhere this guy doesn't have access to threaten or worse.

I don't think he is mentally

I don't think he is mentally unsound. He is acting like a man who is viscerally protecting his loved one. Who happens to be his ex wife.

I know this is a tough time for you and I don't mean to be harsh, but you absolutely have to face reality and protect yourself and your own son.

IMO, your husband is still emotionally entangled with his ex and that's why he had such a fierce reaction. He's been "playing house" with you for 9 years but that doesn't mean anything to him deep down. Deep down, he may see you as somewhat of a necessary burden he has to deal with. If he had a chance to reconcile with his ex, he'd do it in a heartbeat.

This man is not in love with you.

I'd be out the door and seeing a divorce lawyer.

What bothers me in this

What bothers me in this situation, is you both came to an agreement, he then went behind your back, and without your knowledge; made an arrangement with BM for her to pick up SS. This underminds you and your wishes. You are his wife and that has clout
Not saying you were right by texting BM,but had he done the right thing, this wouldn't have even been an issue.
Also, to me, it sounds like he has been building that anger up for a while. Maybe he feels damned if he does, damned if he doesnt.
HIS METHOD OF DELIVERY IS ALL KINDS OF WRONG, THOUGH.

I agree with others. Get DH

I agree with others. Get DH a brain scan. Make sure he isn't taking any medications that are new (check the cabinet for things you don't know about, for example, he is hiding cialis or something).

This happened with DH once. He had a really hard time after the divorce with skids being far and went to a therapist. She prescribed him antidepressants. He was totally normal and then had 2 beers one night and went insane. I literally locked me and my dogs in the bathroom and called the police. He had calmed down before they got there. He had no memory at all of it the next day. His medication mixed horribly with alcohol and he stopped taking it immediately.

OMG that is not acceptable.

OMG that is not acceptable. First of all let me explain...I was in a marriage like that. My XH would say the most vile horrible things to me in a fit of rage. First is started out slowly, then escalated and became more and more frequent and more and more hostile. It got to the point that it was unbearable. I wish I had left him years earlier but he had emotionally and verbally beaten me down to nothing. It took years to rebuild my strength and self esteem. I tried to force the therapy issue. He was eventually diagnosed with Bipolar. He refused to take meds and refused therapy. I could no longer take the chance he wouldn't hurt me or my BS. I ended the marriage.

If you stay with this man, he will think he can do this again. And he will. No one can spew that much rage and hatred at someone they love and then continue a normal healthy relationship. Your DH actually threatened you with bodily harm. All because he didn't want to hurt BM.
It makes me sick to my stomach to even think about it.

Please leave...I promise you in 3 months, 6 months, a year....It will happen again.

SM12, I was in a marriage

SM12, I was in a marriage like that. I was an emotional wreck - couldn't even pick out my clothes. My ex had me some mentally beaten down that, had he started with a slap here and there, and gradually escalated, I would have stayed LONGER because, at that point, it would have been all to easy to believe I deserved it. Instead, he completely lost control and beat the daylights out of me. Thank God for my brothers or I would have gone back. :O

How is me telling her to

How is me telling her to leave giving her false hope? The timeframes I gave her were based on my experience. There were not arbitrary timeframes. That is exactly how it happened to me.

I also thought it wouldn't happen again after the first time...All was good for about 3-6 months. Then it happened again. Again I thought, "Oh it can't happen again" But it did. THAT was my point. I was trying to explain that if she chooses to stay, that she shouldn't he thinking he learned a lesson or is sorry. That is will in fact happen.

I agree and like I said, if she stays he will think it is ok to do it again.
So please do not insinuate that I, in any way, told her to stay with this man. I think quite the opposite.

I would think the first words oh the quote "Please leave" would have made that clear.

What a discordant,

What a discordant, overpowering voice, strident and ever-certain. Don't give up, sueu2, keep writing long posts to beat the poor dead horse! And then dig the horse up to do it all over again. I, for one, really enjoy your long-windedness and unpleasantness. Makes me feel all cheery and light inside. I just want to skip and hold hands, and, if I'm lucky, I can kick someone when they're down too. For their own good, of course.

snort

*snort*

Yes, I am very unhappy and I

Yes, I am very unhappy and I hate it when people point that out to me. Because I was having fun and feeling all cheery and light until you pointed out that I am incredibly unhappy. Because you are a much better judge of my feelings and life experience than I am.

Sueu2, you've got a lot going for you, but actual human interaction isn't one of those things. You usually talk about yourself and your feelings and pretend it's about other people, to help other people. But it's not, it's just self-indulgent.

Every now and then you write something that resonates, that is so raw and incisive and helpful it is stunning. But those moments are when you are honest and genuine and not pretending. I hope for more of them.

In the meantime, I can do without your pettiness. I wish you all the best, and I'm sorry I was unkind above. I was exasperated. That happens sometimes, even to us people who are too stupid to know that we aren't happy until you tell us. Lol!

^^^THIS!!!^^^ I too am

^^^THIS!!!^^^ I too am hoping to see the writing that resonates instead of a shark frenzy.

Yep - absolutely right. He

Yep - absolutely right. He will beat her ... all because she is not his ex, who he still loves.

"Mother Of My Children"

"Mother Of My Children" syndrome (TM)

Just a different perspective:

Just a different perspective: I think you texting BM was wrong but it was also a good thing. The way your DH talked to you, intimidated you after going behind your back then flat out said he doesn't care about you, your opinions, your relationship. It's a good thing because this man was walking back into that room apologizing to you. He was down-playing he's treatment towards you and trying to play it off. You would have accepted it, I get that by the guilt you feel for replying to her and the way you keep reminding posters you shouldn't have texted her back. Well you probably shouldn't have but if you hadn't you wouldn't have experience his psychotic threatening behavior that gives you the justification to leave. There's no way you can go back to having a normal loving marriage with this man after death threats and extreme intimidation based on a disagreement...a disagreement about how he's treating YOU.

Excellent point. Life,

Excellent point. Life, lemons, lemonaid. There will be sadness but the death of this relationship will provide contrast with a new life of freedom from the terror that this husband has unleashed. The freedom of not living in fear of the Dr. Jekell / Mr. Hyde psycho-rage he's just revealed might be the only benefit of this 1st showing of what's inside the person you thought was your husband.

I had a partner who,was

I had a partner who,was cheating on me. I had no idea he was. One day, i picked up his phone innocently and carried it into another room to leave it in a convenient location for him. He just happened to come in and see the phone in my hand.

He went ballistic, in similar fashion to the OP story. Threatened, then pulled a knife and ranted at me for a long while. This was a guy who had never been anything but mild mannered. He finally shut up,and went off to bed. I sat quivering on the sofa downstairs all night. In the morning he got up, ate breakfast, and cheerfully said goodbye and went to work.

About an hour later, I got an email from his affair partner, who,worked with him, telling me off for "treating him like crap". She also,detailed,their,affair. It suddenly became clear what his outburst had been all about...and sadly, this sort of uncharacteristic behaviour is almost always about extracurricular activity of some kind...could be the ex wife in the OP case.

So, my next phone call was to a locksmith to secure the house. Then I packed all his clothes in plastic bags, called a taxi , and had it all delivered to his office. Then I texted him and told him never to return. I then called the cops and made a report on his threats.

That is how you deal with these creeps.

~slow applause~ You handled

~slow applause~

You handled that beautifully, but I'm sorry you went through that. {{hugs}}

You have given the OP spot-on

You have given the OP spot-on counsel. There is no coming back from the abuse and threats her husband subjected her to.

Very grateful you got out &

Very grateful you got out & made it to the other side so you could be this encouraging from experience. Praying that Deadinside is resting well in a safe, secure location tonight with her son.

If you can, go somewhere he

If you can, go somewhere he can't find you, like a hotel. If you can't afford one, call the National Domestic Hotline and they can refer you to a local women's shelter. 1-800-799-7233.

Do you have someone in real life you can contact for support?

Tomorrow, get a "burner" cell phone so he can't track your calls. Get some cash. If you have joint accounts, go to the bank and take at least half out and open an account at a different bank.

If you find out later there is some medical issue, all of this can be undone. For now, you need to be away from him. What if DH turns his anger on your son? Your son is old enough it could easily turn into a physical altercation.

As someone who actually knows

As someone who actually knows a man who stabbed his wife because she tried to leave. Please go somewhere safe until you can figure out whats going on.

I dated him for a few months after he was my friend and i's roomate. He was soft spoken, i saw him cry a few times. Really sweet. He married and had 2 kids. He started doing drugs. His wife tried to leave and he stabbed her a few times then tried to kill himself.

When the story broke our group of friends was so totally shocked. It is still crazy to think he killed her and this was years ago.

As someone who actually knows

As someone who actually knows a man who stabbed his wife because she tried to leave. Please go somewhere safe until you can figure out whats going on.

When the story broke our group of friends was so totally shocked. It is still crazy to think he killed her and this was years ago.

Why didn't you call the

Why didn't you call the police when he said he is in his right to gouge your eyes and cut your fingers? That seems too detailed and violent even for a very angry person. Are you still there? Is this even for real? Are you not scared to be there? If it's real I hope you left.

Call the cops and have him

Call the cops and have him arrested. Inform them this is totally out of character for him, that he needs to be evaluated, but you are fearing for your life and the lives of SS and BS. This may start the wheels rolling to either get him some help and protection for you. It could be a physical problem but, as you wrote, who cares at this time. Best luck to you and please keep us posted. (((HUGS)))

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DH dealt mighty blow to marriage. See no recovery options- Rant

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