ST has made me think about some things differently than I have in the past.
... and I can say I don't even know what I am doing anymore some of the time.
I love my SO, a lot. There is a lot of good in our relationship, but there is also some bad. I am not sure how much of the BS I am willing to put up with/look past anymore. These are just some of the issues have have caused arguments in the past:
Procrastinating: He will push off a lot of things until the very last moment, and often it directly affects me.. when he had to get the paperwork together after he filed for divorce, instead of doing it weekend mornings when I wasn't there, he waited until the night before it was due and cut into are time together severely. Putting off finding childcare for the kids for so long that he expected me to just watch them because he had no other choice(another problem).
Expecting me to do things: watching the kids when they are sick/the first couple weeks of summer because he had no other options(due to him procrastinating).
Seems like what he wants to do always comes before what I would like to do.
Blames me for him not spending more time with his kids (claims he doesn't do much with them and has them go in their room because of me, when I have never asked for that). He told me that before he met me, there were many days/nights where he would just watch anime all night while YS was in the room watching tv and OS would just sit behind the sofa and watch anime with him...THAT IS NOT ACTUALLY DOING THINGS WITH YOUR KIDS. He would eat in the living room while watching tv while OS was in the kitchen eating alone...(this has changed, we all eat at the kitchen table together most nights)
I will admit that this can be hard, because YS is autistic (high functioning) and is legally blind... he can see things directly in front of him, but not farther distances. He will probably never be able to ride a bike (without crashing into everything), play sports, throw and catch, soccer, football, etc.. a lot of things that most young kids enjoy doing. Going to a theater to see movies is basically out of the question. Playing board games can be difficult, because he has to get close the the board, which means he is on top of it/knocking over pieces, etc. Mouse trap and Jenga would never be options. Sorry is hard enough with all the pieces that get knocked over.(not trying to make excuses, just trying to explain the extent of how even basic things can be more difficult with YS). It is hard to find activities that both enjoy doing (and can do). And it is not like SO can do those things with OS and leave YS out all the time.
..
..
SO wanting to ship his kids off to his parents a couple states away for most of the summer... this is the biggest problem I see right now, as the other ones have been addressed and he is making progress on.
His parents aren't the healthiest people, and they aren't young anymore either. I don't think it is best for the kids to be with the grandparents for 4+ weeks at a time. SOs father had to retire early because of his medical issues, and running after 2 young boys all day is probably tougher than a lot of jobs that grandfather could have gotten.
My SO doesn't want to let BM have the kids for long periods of time because of her medical issues and that she cannot manage her money, and would probably keep asking him to pay for everything the kids need. He also says how much he really loves his kids and doesn't want to miss out spending time with them, etc. Then why would he go and give the kids to his parents who also have medical issues, and don't have enough money to pay for their own expenses right now? He also seems to want to take them up there ASAP. When asked why, his only reason is that "they love it up there, they get to run around and play in the pond, SOs parents have a big yard, etc. etc. (daycare costs to stay here is also a large factor). And whenever I ask "well don't you think that they would have fun playing with other kids their age here, and you taking them to do things every weekend, and don't you think they would want to spend time with YOU?", his only response is "they love it up there, they have lots of things to do and will have fun." So be basically ignores my questions.... I give up, he can do what he wants with his kids. They are not mine, not my responsibility. I will admit that it is nice to have the kids gone for a while, so that we actually have time alone together, but i'm not the one who is pushing this issue.
..
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you may be wondering why I am still with him after all this (and my previous blog posts), but there are a lot of good things, and we don't argue much. Most of it is about the divorce process and BM.
I can also say that if/when we get married and have kids, my bio kids will NEVER be staying with his parents alone without me (or him) being with them. For a week, maybe. But not for weeks/months at a time.
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I never really thought about
I never really thought about it like that.
He had surgery on one of his eyes a few months ago, and the doctor didn't know how much it would help. YS needs to get back in there to see how much it helped his sight. I also don't know how much of the "being up close to see things" is necessary, or if it is just bad habits now.
There are times when he can read large signs from far away, asks what something is far in the distance, etc. But when hes reading, watching tv, eating, he has to have things 6 inches in front of him (which I think watching tv like that is possibly what caused his vision to become worse than it would have been if he wasn't allowed to watch tv like that).
I think he would benefit from using more/different resources than what he is currently getting. I think my SO has the mindset of "if YS PCP or ABA therapist doesn't suggest something, then I guess he doesn't need it/won't benefit from it. He is definitely not proactive when it comes to finding different specialists/etc. to help out.
He is a very smart kid, and does well in regular school. He doesn't want to put him in a specialty school because he wants YS to be able to learn and function as normally as possible, and thinks putting him in a special school will hinder his performance...
I have a friend who is
I have a friend who is considered legally blind, and it sounds like she has the ability to see at about the same level as your SS. She went to a "special" school and the whole point was to help her "function as normally as possible." However, there are all sorts of services available that don't involve going to a special school.
She wears special glasses that really help her vision.
I think it is unconscionable that SO is not proactive in finding services for his son.
How could he not take him back to the doctor to have him evaluated after the surgery?
Here are a few places to find help
National Federation for the Blind https://nfb.org/resources
American Foundation for the Blind http://www.afb.org/default.aspx
All About Vision http://www.allaboutvision.com/lowvision/resources.htm
By special school, I was
By special school, I was mainly talking about because he is autistic, not just the vision.
>>How could he not take him back to the doctor to have him evaluated after the surgery?
He took him back 1 month after the surgery, but can't remember if he was supposed to go back 3 months later or 6 months later, so he has to call them to find out when they want to see YS again.
I do think he needs to get his son more services to help him function better. Seeing if special glasses will help. Even trying to figure out if he gets so close to look at things because he actually NEEDS to, or because it is a bad habit now.
Sorry, I missed the part
Sorry, I missed the part where he is autistic. I don't know what is wrong with my friend's eyes - but her glasses make all the difference in the world in her vision. They are very thick and very specialized.
It would be interesting to get SS's vision tested so you could tell if he really needs to get that close to things. It could just be habit - or it might be that he only needs certain things close up.
Being autistic certainly
Being autistic certainly doesn't help trying to figure out the vision... it is hard to get him to sit still, to stay focused, etc. I think if he could see further distances (even if it is only 5 feet away) with the help of glasses, it would make a huge difference.
With her glasses my friend
With her glasses my friend can watch a fairly large tv from about 5 feet. Not as clearly as you or I, but enough to enjoy it. Anything that is tiny, like print, she has to hold up practically touching her face. Now that I think about it, she seems to look at things either super close up or at about 5 or 6 feet. Not much in between. I'll talk to her about it and see if I can anything else that might be useful for you.
Okay, you love him. But (and
Okay, you love him. But (and it's a BIG BUT), how many people would you allow to blame you for the things for which your SO is blaming you??
This paragraph alone would have me ending the relationship:
Blames me for him not spending more time with his kids (claims he doesn't do much with them and has them go in their room because of me, when I have never asked for that). He told me that before he met me, there were many days/nights where he would just watch anime all night while YS was in the room watching tv and OS would just sit behind the sofa and watch anime with him...THAT IS NOT ACTUALLY DOING THINGS WITH YOUR KIDS. He would eat in the living room while watching tv while OS was in the kitchen eating alone...(this has changed, we all eat at the kitchen table together most nights)
"...if/when we get married and have kids..."
Do you honestly want to have children with a man who is ready to ship his kids off to his health-challenged parents???
NOT arguing is not always a bonus. There are those who don't argue, nor do they DISCUSS, and the relationship is horribly rocky when it would be unnecessary if people COMMUNICATED.
Sorry, but this sounds like a downhill slide into unhappiness.
~smooches Fruity~
~smooches Fruity~
Peppermint tea, baby!!
Peppermint tea, baby!!
You are past the taking
You are past the taking advantage of phase and are currently in the scapegoat phase.
I don't know your situation but I would caution you to really, really look at him and see if you can really envision the life you want with him in it. Based on your post, you want kids and he is not a decent parent. Do your future kids deserve better from their dad?
>>>If this board is making
>>>If this board is making you think, then what exactly are you thinking about?
It is making me think about what I do and don't want in a partner, what I should tolerate. It also made me think about how these are issues and how big of an issue they are. It also made me think about how I shouldn't be expected to take over a mother role in these kids lives, I shouldn't be forced to bond with these kids, I shouldn't be expected to watch them for my SO, and that I need to stand up for myself more in this relationship. That instead of sitting back and having my boundaries walked on (because he doesn't know they are boundaries), that I need to tell him and talk about things without worrying about him leaving me for them.
>>>>If you want children, why is THIS guy be a consideration when he's such an awful father?
I wouldn't say he is an awful father, but there are quite a few things that I don't agree with. I can only go off of what I see currently, and what he has told me about the time when he was alone raising 2 kids with little to no help from anyone else.
I am not trying to make excuses for him, but I think a lot of this comes from the fact that he was overwhelmed raising 2 young kids (1 with autism) alone while working and dealing with his own medical issues for 3 years, and really no time to just have to himself without having the kids around/worrying about them, etc.
It's wonderful that you're
It's wonderful that you're gaining new perspective by sharing here on STalk.
We see a lot of posters who join, share their struggles in steplife, get advice/support, and gain clarity about their particular situation. You're one of the ones I'm really rooting for Emma, so I hope you'll continue to think critically about your relationship and analyze why you're willing to settle for so little.
Half the humans on this planet have a penis, so there ARE better options out there. Men who aren't still married to mentally ill women. Who don't have children (much less disabled children who may also have inherited a predisposition to mental illness). Men who don't have a resume of poor decision making and procrastination. Be choosy, Emma. Relationships aren't supposed to be this hard. Find a quality man who has his act together and is at the same place in life as you.
Thank you, it is a lot to
Thank you, it is a lot to take in now that I have realized just how much I have been putting up with that I shouldn't have been.
It is really hard sometimes
It is really hard sometimes to stop thinking about what we perceive as the right thing to do and take a step back and look at the bio parents perspective. Is it really so bad to send the kid to their grandparents? A lot of kids stay with their grand parents for periods of time over the summer. A lot of grandparents enjoy that time. Have either grandparent expressed that it would be too much for them to take the boys or are you just assuming as such? If their money situation is your concern then strongly recommend that your husband send some cash to his parents to help cover the costs. Even when parents really love their kids and want to spend time with them, they can also want a break sometimes or just recognize that their kids deserve a chance to bond with other family members too.
Those are not bad parenting traits. You may not perceive tv watching time as bonding but apparently your husband does and so aside from suggesting occasional alternative activities let them do their thing. Perhaps if you discussed it with him he might enlighten you as to why sharing anime with his kid is a bonding experience for him.
You could gently suggest some sources of information, resources or support for your yss but beyond that it is up to them to arrange if they are interested and following them up. It is really hard to follow (as I am finding myself right now) but one of the mantras around here is that you cannot care more than the parents do.
As for the procrastinating I sympathize with your husband somewhat as I am a procrastinator myself. I have a really good book called the now habit by neil foire phd that I have found useful to understand the roots of it and to stop berating myself and also give me useful tools to help to minimize my procrastinating to some extent. There is a chapter written for those who have to deal with procrastinators which may be helpful for you to read. For you the main thing would be to go about your business regardless of his procrastination. So even if he puts off arranging child care you do not come to his rescue and babysit (for free I assume) but force him to make other arrangements even if it costs him a lot to get a private babysitter. If you are planning to go out to a movie but he puts off getting ready until the last minute you leave at the time you stated with or without him.
If you cannot live with his parenting style then there will be some serious questions you will need to answer for yourself. It may be possible to influence his behavior and habits somewhat but expecting a complete turnaround is unrealistic.
He isn't a husband. He is
He isn't a husband. He is still married to the mother of his kids
SO and I aren't married, but
SO and I aren't married, but we have been together for 2 years.
I wouldn't say it is a bad time for the kids to spend time with their grandparents, but more of the length of time he wants them to stay there/his comments about when he wants to take them up there. He wants them up there from the day after YS dentist appointment until the very last week of summer vacation. This is after he hasn't really had any time to spend with them this summer yet because he "had" to work late to make up time for court, dealing with court paperwork, and then them spending time with their mother for the past week now.
>>>>>Have either grandparent expressed that it would be too much for them to take the boys or are you just assuming as such?
No, but they aren't the type of people who would admit it is too much though. My SO said this last year while the kids were with the grandparents.
>>>>Even when parents really love their kids and want to spend time with them, they can also want a break sometimes or just recognize that their kids deserve a chance to bond with other family members too.
I know this very well. I don't disagree with them spending time with the grandparents alone, I just disagree with the length of time, and that my SO would have 0 weeks with the kids here during the rest of the summer (and only really had the first 2 weeks of summer when I was watching them during the day).
>>>>>Those are not bad parenting traits. You may not perceive tv watching time as bonding but apparently your husband does and so aside from suggesting occasional alternative activities let them do their thing. Perhaps if you discussed it with him he might enlighten you as to why sharing anime with his kid is a bonding experience for him.
This one very well be true, but I was just going off of what I have seen since I have been around them, and what he told me he used to do. OS would come out and sit behind the sofa while my SO was watching anime (not in english, so all OS was doing was looking at the picture not really knowing what was going on) quietly without even communicating or interacting/bonding with my SO. If they were actually watching kid-friendly shows and both sitting on the sofa together, or at least OS on the floor in front of the sofa, sharing pop corn, etc. That would be different. I may have misunderstood these occasions between them though (and no idea what else/how often they did things together).
I am a procrastinator as well, just not to the same extent. My procrastination was mainly getting school work done in HS and college, not everyday responsibilities. I remind him about things/making appointments/etc. and don't mind doing it. I made it clear to him that I will not watch the kids anymore this summer, and not to expect me to just say yes to watching them occasionally during the school year on snow days/sick days. I wouldn't mind doing it 2-3 times a year, but not constantly, and not every single time... I did not watch them for free, but it wasn't much... $20 a day. He already made plans(just has to go fill out the paperwork tomorrow) at a day care for the next two weeks/rest of the summer... whatever he decides to do about them staying here or going to grandparents... he finally got that done.
He has asked me for suggestions/point out things that he could do better, etc. when it comes to his kids, and for the most part actually follows through when I make suggestions and he realizes is was a good suggestion. I don't expect him to just do everything my way (not my kids), but will offer my perspective when asked.
He does do stuff with the kids when time allows, but a large part of the problem is the lack of time...
Gets the kids home at 6:15pm, and they go to bed at 8:30 during the school year. It takes until 8:00 a lot of the time just to get done homework and dinner. Saturdays YS has in-home therapy appointments since he is autistic, which means we can't do anything until after 5:00pm. This only leaves 1 day a week to actually do things with the kids, and then them going to bed at 8:30.
Emma no decent man would
Emma no decent man would blame a girlfriend for not spending time with his kids. Please don't have more kids with him