Quick Question of What Would You Do?
My BS, age 26, and his wife is having a baby due at the end of this year. Yesterday, was the baby gender reveal party. I wasn't invited. I didn't know about the party until 6:45 pm when my BS age 19 who lives with me told me about it. My 19 was informed by his dad earlier in the week that he was going to pick him up yesterday but never told him why until 6.45 pm yesterday. The party was at 7.00 PM. My BS 19 even received a text from my BS 26 around the same time telling him that he was glad that he could make it to the party.
I hate gender reveal parties but still it would have been nice to be invited. I found out from a mutual Facebook friend of my XH that I will be having a granddaughter. To be honest, this friend didn't know that I wasn't invited and just assumed I was there. I politely just stated thank you and didn't mention that I wasn't invited.
I am still really hurt. My 19 year old son saw my hurt last night. He was upset himself and stated it wasn't fair that I was left out. I was trying really hard not to show it but the disappointment was there.
My 26 year old BS was PAS since he was 14 years old by his dad and SM. I was the evil mom who didn't take him to well dr check ups, dental cleanings or show up at school events because I had to work. If I missed a day at work, I didn't get paid and not getting paid meant bills didn't get paid or food didn't get bought. Now keep in mind, I was starting my life over again (my mom and dad passed away years earlier and I didn't have any family around) when my oldest was 11 years old. I was a SAHM and never expected to go through divorce. XH met his current wife and they just had to be together (they were both married). For the first two years, XH had every other weekend visitation with the kids but didn't always show up for that. XH got a wild hair up his butt and sue for custody because he didn't want to pay child support anymore. My 26 year old went to live with him when he was 14 years old and my other 2 boys remained with me.
I never thought he would be the one to leave. We were also so close. I knew he was PAS'ed but judges really didn't care. I rarely saw my son until he graduated from high school. I continued to buy the birthday presents and Christmas presents every year. When he was around 21 years old, we made a mends or so I thought. He was still very much loyal to his dad and SM but he was willing to work on a relationship with me.
Yesterday was a huge blow and a wake up call for me. I realize that I will never be able to be in my granddaughters life. I will be the one expected to buy the Christmas and Birthday presents and just quietly stay in the background. I will never be invited to birthdays or school events.
I thought about buying a Congratulations its a Girl card for my son and send it to him and just state something like Congratulations I am happy for you and mention in the card that I was disappointed for not being invited. I also thought about just ignoring it and waiting for him to tell me. I am not sure what to do. I was looking forward to being a grandmother babysitting and playing with my grandchild but I know that isn't happening now. I have also was looking at moving to another state. I only stayed in this state because my Bkids dad lived in this state. I always stated when my youngest graduated, I was out of here. My youngest son graduated a few weeks ago. My DH now doesn't have a problem moving at this time. His daughter will be graduating soon and is also PASed by her mom.
What would you do if you were in my shoes?
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Apparently, the invites were
Apparently, the invites were sent by my Son and his wife. I thought I had a fairly good relationship with his wife. I always try to include her in invites to my home or outings. I don't get to see them as much as I like but she has never expressed any dislike for me to my knowledge.
The party was at his dad's and SM's home, outside. We all seemed to get along. We are all civil to each other.
My son chose to live with his
My son chose to live with his father. My other two kids have confirmed to me that their dad and SM have "bad mouthed" me when the kids were around. My oldest son told me things about our divorce that only his dad and I knew.Of course, it was never mentioned that I was suing on the grounds of adultery. My BS was placed in a position to chose which parent. I saw a huge change in my child at the age of 14. It wasn't just a typical teenage I hate my parents and the world phase, I knew something was seriously wrong.
Agree with SuperJew. Perhaps
Agree with SuperJew. Perhaps after your son has his first child, he will realize how difficult parenthood is, and every one of us makes mistakes. I hope you're able to establish a relationship and bond with your granddaughter.
I am not sure what you are
I am not sure what you are trying to imply that actions have consequences. ANY child can be PAS if given the right circumstances and feed the right BS by the opposite parent.
Pure nonsense. My dh does
Pure nonsense. My dh does everything for SD including dental visits, orthodontic visits, doctor visits, social visits (to the extent they exist), buy her first teen swimsuit for blossoming body (something most mothers consider their privileged private moment with a daughter), engages in animated conversation about her interests (knows every move she makes in video games, plots of shows and books she likes), provides birthday celebrations for her, etc etc etc.
BM on the other hand won't do birthdays, talks her out of parties she's invited to, insists they watch BM's shows over and over, and won't go to the movies unless it's a romance film BM wants (and sd loathes) and never the animations and adventure stories SD favors.
But SD, like a communist dictator, insists that "everything" that is done for her is done by BM and not dad even when she is in the very moment of DH taking care of something BM has ignored such as a painful mouth from improper use of retainer.
Plenty of other people on this site experience PAS when the bio is an anywhere from average to great parent. It happens all the time. Whisper campaigns, bribery, and lack of rules can be very, very effective on immature minds.
The fact the party was held
The fact the party was held at dad's house, a person who appears very hostile to you, may be the dominant reason why you were not invited. Inviting exes to our homes is not a popular concept in these parts at the best of times and where there are hostilities, fugeddabout it.
Your son and dil may have been in a tight spot, knowing how their hosts feelings about you. They at the least are in a loyalty bind and on top of that may have had other pressures making them not want to rock the boat. (They could have taken control of the situation and hosted their own party but let's not mention that)
Perhaps you could ignore this entire incident and graciously offer to host a small shower for your dil and say nothing about the gender party you were excluded from. Just invite your own side of the family and anyone else you feel might be appropriate but no one in Dad's circle. Just be above it all and create your own opportunities with them.
Having said all that, moving away and moving on sounds like a great option. All your kids are adults now, there's no reason to really center your life on them any more. Intense family time is over and it's a perfect opportunity to do you.
It really shocked me that the
It really shocked me that the party was at my XH house. I understand boundaries. I just do not understand why it wasn't held at my son's house. We have all met at neutral places to be with the kids together but never at each others house. I felt it was very deliberate to keep me away. I have never tried to start trouble and always try to get along for the sake of the kids. Heck, my dh and I set with my XH, SM, SM's sister and her husband at his wedding. It was very uncomfortable but my BS wanted us to sit together. I could do that for him. I would think having a party at a neutral location would have been better to include all parties.
I see this will continue with each birthday party for my granddaughter. She will have a huge birthday party and I will not be invited and if I am allowed will always have to plan to bring her gift later. I will then have to explain when she is older. I could blame her parents and say that I just wasn't invited but I would NEVER hurt my children like that. I would do what I normally do. I will take the blame, apologize and move on. After awhile, she will be just like my son.
I know that everyone sees this just as a party and it isn't that big of a deal. I don't see it that way at all. I see this continuing...
I will give it a few days and if my BS doesn't reach out to me, I will contact him. I will let him know how I felt and still feel.
Traditionally parties if this
Traditionally parties if this nature, much like a wedding related parry, aren't thrown by the guests if honor themselves. Perhaps your exdh is the one throwing the party, and as host, has the right not to invite you...
Dick move if that's the case, but still his right. You can always thrown them a shower.
No, I do agree with you: it
No, I do agree with you: it will likely continue like this with variations on a theme.
That is exactly why I say don't try to unravel their skein of sticky cobwebs. Instead carve out your own life. Throw them your own party. I throw parties for my ss all the time and not only do I not invite BM but I won't allow the boy's own sister to come (because she is t.r.o.u.b.l.e.). There is absolutely nothing stopping BM and SD from planning their own shindig for his birthdays but they never do. I do not allow BM's vision to define the way I run my life with the people I care about.
But don't throw the extra party if you prefer not. That's fine. I do strongly encourage you to develop your own life and focus less on this young man. He may never come around. You may never know the grandbaby very well. But you can still be a happy person. The time where you are supposed to be making big sacrifices for your kids is over. They are all grown up. So embrace the new freedom.
First, I am a Grandmother
First, I am a Grandmother ughhh sounds old but I am not.
Thank your lucky stars you were not invited to the BIG revile party. You said it yourself you don't like them. So THERE is the good in all of this. I agree, I do not care for them either...I find them tacky as hell.
When the baby is born I would send a large box filled with the most lovely things I could find. AND a beautiful card. Then I would remain silent. Hopefully they will send a thank you card and invite to see the baby. IF they do not...let it go.
BUT every year I would:
send the baby a Birthday Card each year with a small check enclosed. Because there again that is the right thing to do since you do. IF they do not respond they are asses, not you.
That is what I would do if it were my bio's.
Very good advice to follow.
Very good advice to follow.
I think it boils down to
I think it boils down to "Your ex and his current wife thru a party. You were not invited." Nothing wrong with that at all. Forget about not being invited.
The issue of why your son chose not to tell you about the gender at another time is the real issue. No reason for you to be at that party for the information to be conveyed to you.
Brick,,,if your kids were
Brick,,,if your kids were alienated by your ex AND they were still buddy buddy with your ex thru adulthood, trust me there would NOT be anything you could do to mend, repair, change it. There are two bio parents in Pathogenic Parenting THE Ahh wonderful Mom or Dad...and 2nd. The target parent or a**hole /dbag parent.
Pathogenic parenting CAN be fixed but only with the child regardless of age is away from the parent who has alienated the child/adult child.
For great information about "Parental Alienation" check out Dr. Childress YouTube videos. Start with the ones where he talks to the KIDS of the parents. AWSOME
**not all things are "Parental Alienation"**
Lashy---you are grossly
Lashy---you are grossly misinformed.
This may come off a bit
This may come off a bit harsh, but I promise you it is because it will help you in the end. Every now and again we need to hear some things we may not like-and I'm only saying this because I know where you are at-from your BS26's standpoint.
I can't believe that he just left you and began resenting you for "nothing". My SS11's BM missed all doctor's appointments, dentist appointments, CSE Meetings and refused to tell SO when they are. She too would give the "I'm working" line, except she was never working, she could never hold a job (and not because of the kids either)-and we ultimately ended up with SS11 following a CPS investigation into truancy (because she wasn't even waking up to send him to school). We watched her blow job opportunity after job opportunity and since we got custody of SS11 April 2016-she has seen him maybe 8 times-for hours at a time. 2 of which have occurred since January 2017.
She calls SS and makes plans, then doesn't even bother to call back and break them. SO and I don't say anything to him about it. SHE has burned her own bridge. She too gives the "I'm getting my life together speech" except she's now got a DWI under her belt and I've received calls from her sister-who is also her best friend advising me not to let SS go anywhere in a car with her.
Now, your situation may be 100% different, but it is VERY difficult for me to believe the kid wrote you off for "no reason" and because his father and step mother "badmouthed" you. You want to know one way to stop "PAS" dead in it's tracks-own up to your mistakes and APOLOGIZE. It may not fix everything, but you can't change the past. You can do better going forward.
There is however a bit of hope:
My father walked out on my family and he and I did not speak for 10 years (I was NOT PAS's-he showed me everything I needed to know about what kind of person he was). After I had my BD2, I decided to give him a second chance. It was one of the best decisions I've made and we are doing extremely well.
He has yet to apologize, but he has made efforts to "make up" for his absence in my life, mainly monetarily, which I have told him is 100% unnecessary but I can't say I'm sorry for the help. SO and I have paid back whatever was lent and are always sure to help him with fixing his cars or unloading hay.
So there is hope, but you need to look inward first.