I lost it last night...
So DH and I were having a lovely evening last night...until...
I discovered SD11 had a stash of rotten food (from Wednesday, last week) and dirty dishes in her room. Just. Like. SD13. She's never done this before. Granted, the stuff was neatly arranged on a shelf in her closet (note to self to check under the bed) but OMG.
I took all that stuff up to the dining room table, then did the same with all the crap left in SD13s room. DH didn't even notice what I was doing (I walked by several times with dishes piled high) until he looks over and... "What....?"
Me: I am SO MAD right now DH. I found ALL of this not only in SD13s room, but ALSO SD11's. I am NOT going to be doing this with BOTH of them. NOT going to do it. This is NOT acceptable and I won't stand for it.
DH: (as his usual response) ...I'll take care of...
Me: NO you WON'T. It's been years of you NOT taking care of it and I'm done. Nothing has changed. What I want you to do is LEAVE ALL OF THAT ON THE TABLE FOR THEM TO TAKE CARE OF. Don't you touch it. SDs need to clean that up. And I'm telling you right now that if this isn't resolved right now, then I WILL be going into those rooms each and every time they leave and do a clean sweep.
DH: I'll talk with them, calm down, you just find something to get PO'd about all the time, etc., etc. deflection, excuses, pandering, blah, blah, blah.
Me: NO. I am done listening to you. This is NOT normal or something every family has to deal with. You ask any of your friends if they allow their kids to store rotten food and dirty dishes in their rooms. Just do it, ask them. And I have every right to be mad. This is where the household bowls were, glasses, forks, etc. This effects everyone in this house. I have every right to expect no rotting food in the house and for people to clean up after themselves.
...a little later...
DH: You know, I don't like being yelled at and why are you always yelling/directing things like this at me? I'm tired of that.
Me: I direct it at you because you don't allow me any say over the SDs. I have worked for three years on this issue to no avail, I've asked, pleaded, cajoled, begged, cleaned it up myself, you've cleaned it up yourself, etc. and NOTHING HAPPENS. I'm going to you because they are YOUR kids.
DH: I am really tired of you referring to them as "my kids." They are yours too. My step-dad never referred to us as anything but "his kids." We're a family. We need to do things together. And I don't like it that you go on about them...
Me: To clarify they are not "my kids." You allow me no say in any decisions or rule making. I am not allowed to discipline or give chores. You undermine my decisions if I try. I do not have equal say to you in any way. (I didn't add that his step-dad had equal say because his mom supported it and he only saw his dad 3 weeks or so each summer so his step-dad was his "dad") I don't have the ability to go to them, I have to go to you. I want them to learn to take care of themselves and become decent people, not slobs who don't know how to clean, or care, and to interact with their peers. It will become an issue as they get older. They don't come out of the womb knowing how to clean a bathroom or do laundry or somehow learn it through osmosis.
DH: Well we need to talk about this more. I hear you. I know you are frustrated, I am frustrated we aren't interacting as a family; everyone does their own thing, SD13 is in her room, I'm out on a bike ride, SD11 is with her TF, you are working on projects...we never do anything together. (pause) I need to work on this and being more engaged and arranging things for us to do (me, internally - yes, you do because I stopped doing the arranging over a year ago).
Me: Ok, then, let's talk this weekend because obviously we need to get this all on the table. I'm frustrated and have no options. We are not like either of our families we grew up with, neither is a valid model. I want some rules and basic expectations and a say in what happens. WE need to come to an agreement.
DH: Yes, let's talk. I am tired of the situation too.
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Comments
Well, I do think we'll
Well, I do think we'll talk.
I just have no expectations about the outcome. The last time we talked he was adamant that there be no rules or ramifications. And here we are again.
He actually said "I'm worried about more important things..."
I'm like, "I think moldy food IS an important thing!"
Oh, EFF. So the problem is
Oh, EFF. So the problem is not doing things together?? SMDH
Yep - a long, long list of
Yep - a long, long list of reasons were given. None of them having to do with rules or the dreaded word "ramifications." I'm expecting the same out of our talk but keeping an open mind.
The thing that is really, really bugging me is the fact he doesn't himself see the issue with rotten food in a bedroom. He's not the neatest guy, but he picks stuff up if I ask him to. But I watch him with kitchen work (cross-contamination isn't real for him) and how long he puts things in the fridge.
Hopefully this "talk" will
Hopefully this "talk" will work and have your SD'S be more clean. I understand you completely at that age I was already doing chores and if my room was like that I would have gotten embarrassed in front of my friends and punished. Really hope he puts his foot down.
I hope you all can come to a
I hope you all can come to a conclusion! I couldn't deal with it for as long as you have.
The only reason I've been
The only reason I've been able to is the SDs rooms are downstairs, as is their bathroom. So I don't walk by them every day - and their doors remain shut.
I do the same thing for the
I do the same thing for the same reasons. I used to put icky left around crap in the middle of my kids' beds to break those bad habits, and I am about to start up with BabyVoice.
Like your SDs, she takes food to her room (which is not allowed) and then hides the dishes under her bed because she is too lazy to take them downstairs and too dumb to figure out that I will eventually wonder why there are only 2 plates in the cabinet instead 12. She is also not clever enough to figure out how to cover her tracks.
DH just looks at me like "what's the problem?"
Drives. Me. Nuts.
The rule is that they clean their bathroom every other week. The reality is that roughly two MONTHS go by before DH finally rides their ass to get it done.
I can not WAIT until BV graduates from high school and gets out of my house...
I hope he does ask others if
I hope he does ask others if this is a normal occurrence in other families. I really do.
Been there done that. I have
Been there done that.
I have zero ability to 'make' them do anything you see.
I have told DH explicitly that if there's any house damage/infestations all of the funding comes 100% from him. I won't contribute a dime. Same goes for the bathroom. And any issues with the house doors remaining unlocked. I think he must not believe me. Not joking.
Done that. DH put everything
Done that.
DH put everything back before I had a chance to finish the donation run (I did manage to donate a good amount, but not all). So at that point I gave up.
My DH likes to say I just
My DH likes to say I just like to find things to be angry about. My blood pressure rose just reading that part of your post. I'd like to find the school where these men learn this stupid shit and whip it off the face of the planet.
This has been a major bone of
This has been a major bone of contention for me and SO. Monday - dishes.
Tuesday - pancake batter bowls and dishes and pans.
More bowls and trash in the room. Just a total pigsty, and SO keeps threatening to "bag all her stuff", and never does it. I got so frustrated with the dirty dishes that I simply threw them on her bed, so she would either have to do them, or put them on the floor - a bigg no-no.
What did she do? Ask for some S'mores that we made and then ask if she could do her dishes after eating. Im like WTF???????????? Effing no way!!!! SO sais "ok, sure".
Dishes and trash in room - daily room checks, and stand over them while they clean, with cocktail in hand. Room must be clean every day to designated standards.
Every time I hear that phrase
Every time I hear that phrase "You just hate my kids" I want people to say "Yes I hate those disgusting POS crotch droppings of yours."
"NO, but I do hate their
"NO, but I do hate their behavior"
"NO, but I hate the behaviors you let them get away with"
Omg ...I'd be sooo annoyed.
Omg ...I'd be sooo annoyed. Does your DH have his own car or area that only he uses ? Lol start putting the moldy food and dishes there if he won't get his helpless babies to clean up after themselves.
I wouldn't be able to deal with your DHs attitude .
Moldy food in car? I don't
Moldy food in car? I don't have to do that. It's usually already there.
There's a reason I don't travel in his vehicle unless I have to, or unless he has it detailed.
He's no a hoarder but he's MESSY and can veer into slobbery easily.
You are way better then
You are way better then me.... I simply would've trashed everything, stripped their rooms to a bed only, nothing else,
then take DH's credit card, go and buy new dishes and locks for all the cupboard in the house... they will not be free roaming in anything....
In one cupboard there will be 2 plastic cups and 2 plates for them for snack times, and sorry if yours is not there you can't get anything....
I've already thought about
I've already thought about this actually.
Last summer I did buy paper plates/bowls/cups and made people use them because I was so fed up with the lack of dish washing by anyone. Coming home to a disaster of a house when you are the only one working/commuting full time was insane-making.
I like removing all other items but for what ONE person may need to eat/drink with...
I get it and it is gross.
I get it and it is gross. But it sounds like YOU want to be in control over him and his kids. (I read that you said DH will not allow you control of his kids). Why would you want that anyway? To me this is a very easy issue to resolve.
I assume they are every other weekend or every other week. At the end of the weekend, take DH by the hand and take him into their room. Then toss it for dirty dishes. Make HIM responsible for getting them out and cleaning them. I realize that you hate that and not NOT want to disengage, but you are making yourself crazy by trying to control this man and his kids. And I am not downing you, I have BTDT.
Just think of how much better your life would be if you let that control go… Imagine how much better that night would have been if you just would have went to him and said…”Hun, I just checked the girls rooms. There is rotting food in there so please go get it. And since they can’t seem to put up their dishes, you will need to go in there every day they are here and get out the dirty dishes and clean them. Thanks babe.”
Then you relax and let HIM be the parent HE wants to be. If it is a bad parent, then so be it.
I'm beyond the point of
I'm beyond the point of controlling them.
Since I am a homeowner and responsible for that house, I will not allow it to be trashed (I'm not even going into their bathroom issues right now). Rotten food is not in any way ok. I've told him I don't care if they want to live in a heap of crap but no rotting food and no dirty dishes - bottom line.
We all have our different disengagement practices and I'm very clear on what I will/won't disengage on and this is one I don't let go of.
I've shown pictures to my
I've shown pictures to my sister when she was complaining about her daughter's room.
She was kind of like "all kids are like that..."
I sent her the picture.
She's like, "Oh. That is BAD. I get it now."
They are still saved on my phone, and they don't even show the mess it was the following week.
Thanks for all the
Thanks for all the feedback!
Plans:
1) Talk with DH this weekend like he wants to.
2) IF nothing changes, I will make DH clean those rooms every time the SDs leave. I will stand there until it's done.
3) I will replace dishes with paper / disposables again this summer if necessary, adding the extra step of removing non-disposables if needed.
4) If DH refuses to clean their rooms I will start doing it again and he'll have no options. I will lock up all removed items right away so he cannot access them and put them back.
He made SD13 clean all the dirty items up yesterday.
SD11 didn't have to do anything.
I know he talked with them but do not know what he said. I will find out in our talk this weekend because usually it's along the lines of "Cover found x or y and she's upset. We need to make sure things are cleaned up because she doesn't like it...etc."
OMG - my DH says "you're just
OMG - my DH says "you're just finding things to be angry about" to me all.the.time.
Also, his children leave dirty dishes everywhere. I was trying to get one moving for his football game and I said "on your way down, please bring that plate with the leftover pizza on it" (which is not supposed to be in his room to begin with, but I didn't pick that fight this time). He said "ok".
He then went downstairs to put on his gear. I walked by his room and say the pizza plate. I went downstairs and said "please go back upstairs and bring that plate down." He started off by saying "but, dad brought it to me..." as if that meant he wasn't responsible. I said, "I don't care who put it in your room, you told me you were going to bring it downstairs, so I expect you to keep your word." As those words are leaving my mouth, DH starts to go upstairs to get the plate. I was like "where are you going? He can go upstairs and get it." If I find rotten food in their rooms, then DH would definitely be cleaning it up...and maybe all extra things will be removed from their rooms to make it easier to see any rotten food that is hiding.