It is never going to end even after this kid turns 18.
So I figure all of this cluster f*** of bulls*** is going to continue through it's vicious cycle because YSS just doesn't give a rat's a** about anyone but himself and what he wants. It is the same thing every day he picks on his brother and hits him or whatever. This time we were at my dad's house for a barbeque and I go inside and YSS has OSS backed up into a corner hitting him so I tell DH to go inside and take care of it. Well we ended up leaving because DH was sitting in the middle of both kids so once again YSS ended up manipulating DH and getting his way once again. I told DH that it's embarrassing that YSS cannot control his behavior and his reason for acting out was because he was "bored". DH is starting to get sick of the bulls*** as well so he sits YSS down and tells him that he is going to start taking things away every time YSS starts misbehaving again. So last night YSS was trying kick down OSS bedroom door. I am a light sleeper so I heard it and DH sleeps through everything so I woke up DH and told him that the kids were fighting again and for him to go take care of it. DH unplugged the TV and internet it was freaking midnight that he was doing this crap. Nothing phases this kid and he just doesn't have any respect or care about anyone else but himself. I am so sick of this drama. I have two more weeks and then I am done but, I will have to deal with this for the next 8 years if I want to stay in this marriage. Does anyone have any tips on effective punishments or how to get this kid to behave because I feel like DH has exhausted all he can do without professional help?
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Or is the older brother
Or is the older brother actually being sly and goading him into this behavior but it is YSS that just gets caught?
I put a stop to it with my
I put a stop to it with my kids by punishing them with love.
As in... they both had to sit down and give each other 10 compliments... or they had to hug and tell each other they loved one another...
Every.Single.Time. they bickered.
It greatly reduced the bickering.... and they knew if they were bugging each other they'd both get in trouble. Whichever two it was. If it was all 3... they's sit in a circle and do the same.
Yep.. I have a little brother
Yep.. I have a little brother and believe me.. we could both do that. For that reason, our parents rarely punished either of us.. we BOTH got in trouble if we couldn't get along. They figured they wouldn't referee.
How about your husband do a
How about your husband do a better job of supervising his kids? It seems like you have to constantly make him go be the dad. Also, why on earth do they have TV in their rooms anyway? That has got to go.
Also, YSS does just think about himself. Most children are very self centric. It is his parents job to teach him empathy and to be selfless. It sounds like everyone just lets the electronics raise the kids and then people are surprised when they don't act "right".
They don't have TV's in their
They don't have TV's in their rooms. We have a big TV in the living room and one my the master bedroom. I have never seen a kid act like this just to get his own way though. I really think that my DH just doesn't know what the hell he is doing and the kid has just ran all over him. OSS doesn't do anything to YSS he is just a big wuss and doesn't know how to defend himself and YSS is just a plain out bully.
I told DH that if he wants to
I told DH that if he wants to stay home and spend time with his kids on Father's Day then I could just to go the barbeque by myself but, he wanted to go. I guess I need to start putting my foot down and tell DH that I am not going anywhere with YSS until he can start getting YSS to act better.
Why deprive yourself? Do you
Why deprive yourself?
Do you have 2 vehicles available? If so, take 2 vehicles... that way you can stay and enjoy your time, and DH can take his brat and leave. Up to you if you want to keep OSS around with you or not.
Yeah we could do that I guess
Yeah we could do that I guess but it's just ridiculous that nothing phases this kid. I think DH is right he has exhausted everything that he can do to try to get this kid to listen. I don't like this kid and that is really sad to say but, I have exhausted any empathy I have for this kid because he just doesn't give a rat's a**.
This is one option... the
This is one option... the other option is that her husband needs to be monitoring his kids. Now, it's a party.. kids can get a bit raucous. However, all he should have to do is go over to the boys and in his best gritted teeth voice tell them to knock it off or they will have go sit in the car with him until Tankh is ready to go.
Then, if shenanigans continue, he takes one or both of them out to the car to have a little decompress and time out to talk about what is appropriate behavior in public.
Shoot, he should already have these conversations BEFORE they go anywhere.
It seems like the DH here just hopes for the best and that isn't really a plan. It sounds like they need a PLAN. The kids need to know what is going to be expected and they need to know the consequences.
Cutting off the TV at midnight? what does that do? nothing.. it's not in their room right? they are not watching it at that time right? If they are then your husband has terrible boundaries around his kid's bedtime.
Tell me about it. My DH
Tell me about it. My DH takes the remotes away but YSS on with the remote after he goes to bed. So that means unplugging the TV completely. These kids go to bed at whatever time they want during the summer. During the school year bedtime is 9:30 pm.
Your husband is clearly not a
Your husband is clearly not a very good father. I don't mean he doesn't love his kids, but no bedtime for young kids? They get to decide how/when they are going to use tv or vid games? Yikes.. there is absolutely no surprise that his younger son acts the way he does. He is not giving them clear expectations and he hasn't set reasonable limitations on electronics. It's not just correcting AFTER a mistake is made... it's parenting before hand.
Seriously, I am assuming your husband is smarter than these kids right? He can surely predict behavior that they might engage in and head it off at the pass.
I'm going to disagree, for my
I'm going to disagree, for my sanities sake my children have a bed time and I don't care if it involves staring at a wall in boredom at 8pm.
It is going to get worse
It is going to get worse instead of better a these two boys go into their teens.
All this therapy and/or behavioral sessions these kids do (forgot exactly what BM takes them to), obviously isn't hitting it's goals (uh, what are the goals of these sessions?).
Dad really should make an appointment and take his kids in. He needs their exact diagnoses, what the treatment plan is and how the professionals suggest Dad implements all this on Dad's time. IIRC one is ADHD and the other autistic. Is YSS taking any meds while he's visiting Dad for summer visitation? Is ADHD the sole diagnose for this child?
Dad is letting both of these kids down by letting things keep going on this way. But until Dad is fully informed as to what all is taking place with his sons, educates himself in what and how to respond with what his kids are dealing with and becomes a part of their therapy/behavioral plan and goals simply taking this or that away from the kid isn't going to make any difference.
You've been at this for two weeks, why not pack a overnight bag and go spend this evening with your father? Take a break. Let Dad sit there this evening dealing (or not dealing) with his children all on his own. Maybe a night or two of just him and his boys without you to assist or step in when , like the midnight episode, occurs Dad will wake up and realize he needs to be an active participant in parenting his children (with both their physical and medical needs).
BM has YSS in speech therapy
BM has YSS in speech therapy and occupational therapy and OSS is in occupation therapy as well. I don't know exactly what they do I have only witnessed one therapy session that YSS had last summer where the occupational therapist came into our house and was throwing around a ball and said that he was working on hand and eye coordination with YSS. BM hasn't scheduled any therapy sessions for this month. I do agree that DH needs to take him to a doctor. Maybe I should give him a little push since the kid is on my medical insurance. YSS isn't taking any medications and yes the sole diagnosis is ADHD for him.
Dad should really get these
Dad should really get these boys into sports *therapy.* By the time they're done with their practices and workouts they won't have energy to fight! Mom of 4 boys here and it's the only thing thats worked.
Well I never behaved like
Well I never behaved like that and if I did I would've been grounded or depending on how old I was spanked. I think that this kid just has a mother that is his personal b**** and is more of his friend than his mother and a Disney dad and feels guilty because he feels like he abandoned his kids and only stayed with their mother until he couldn't take it anymore after 11 years so he just lets his kids do whatever until I came along.
Thank you anotherstep2 that
Thank you anotherstep2 that is exactly what I was thinking.
extreme? that's an
extreme? that's an understatement... I see where the parenting trends come from if that was regular behavior...
Yeah the worst thing my YSS
Yeah the worst thing my YSS has done is kick people, spit or bite which is extreme as well but not as extreme as breaking someone's arm.
Why are you sorry? I got
Why are you sorry? I got spanked when I was bad up until I was 8 years old so what. I am not tainted by it or anything. I wasn't abused. What have we evolved to? That spanking is abuse?
It really depends upon the
It really depends upon the context, age and application of it.
I mean, it's pretty unfair to set a kid up to fail by not telling them the right way to do things.. and when they do the wrong thing, they get whacked.
I think it would help tremendously if your husband prepared your SS's for social events etc...
Send him to summer camp on
Send him to summer camp on the other side of the country.
He would get kicked out and
He would get kicked out and we don't have the money for that. Easier said than done LOL.
My hat is off to you
My hat is off to you MizFoxie!!!!
Authority by a parent doesn't
Authority by a parent doesn't necessarily equal spanking the child to get respect.
It sounds like no one has ever taught the kid what appropriate behavior is. No one is telling him before you go to a cookout that he is to behave and what is meant by "behave."
I was just as scared of that tone in my parents voice or that look that they would give us when we didn't behave.
Now, sure, kids aren't stepford wives. They are going to have their moments and it sounds like your YSS is more prone to having trouble staying focused and in control. That should mean he should not just be released to the party.. he should probably be closer joined at your DH's hip so that he can monitor his behavior.
And.. that will mean that poor DH won't have as much fun because he will have to watch his own child.. oh well. Maybe if he had done a better job before now at parenting, he wouldn't be in the position where he has to micro manage the kid.
I do agree but, it is both of
I do agree but, it is both of the parent's fault. BM is YSS's friend and DH is a Disney dad.
That may be so - but your dh
That may be so - but your dh can only change himself, not bm. Sucks that way lol
Ok so when BM wants to baby
Ok so when BM wants to baby YSS and bring stuff that he forgot at her house are we supposed to tell him no she can bring it over?
He's old enough to remember
He's old enough to remember the things he can't live without. If he forgets them, it will be a long couple of days. BM shouldn't jump to bring them to him... but you can't control that - you CAN control, however, your reaction to it. If she texts saying she's bringing it over.. your DH should text back that he can wait until he's back at her place.
It will be a tantrum - it will be ugly - but the kid will learn... if you forget it, too bad.
My ex-h used to bring stuff over ALL THE TIME for the kids... but then again, he jumps when they tell him too. I've told the kids time and time again that it's too bad, maybe they'll remember it next week... but they sneak in a text to him and there he is. I've told HIM, too, that if he keeps catering to them they won't learn... but what can you do.
Hey now... don't get ahead of
Hey now... don't get ahead of yourself here. The issue at hand is YSS's behavior when he is within his father's custody. Don't get all tangent into the BM comes over unannounced discussion.
The fact that the kid might forget stuff isn't the same as him behaving poorly. The fact that BM may baby him and let him act however he wants at her house doesn't mean your husband needs to accept that behavior at HIS house. Believe me, kids can figure out different rules at different homes.
As to the BM bringing over stuff, your DH can allow it or not, but that has very little to do with how the kid is behaving at the party.
The reality of it is both of
The reality of it is both of the parents do not know what they are doing like I said mommy is trying to be the kid's friend and my DH is a typical Disney dad.
Ok.. well then your decision
Ok.. well then your decision is this. Do you want to stay with someone that is a bad parent. Would you have a child with him... knowing that he will most likely do a poor job with the new child as well?
I'm a bit curious though, do both the boys get kicked out of school? suspended etc? If not, perhaps they aren't as bad as you think compared with other kids their age.
You can also disengage from their behavior. Why are you embarrassed? not your kids, not your monkey or circus right? When they act up you direct DH to them.. and walk away. let him deal with it. Don't be embarrassed.. it's not like you raised them right?
Yes, I could do that but,
Yes, I could do that but, what will it do to my marriage?
How are things now for you?
How are things now for you? You like the environment you are living in? You like the chaos that he allows his kids to wreak on your life. Basically, he is telling you right now that YOUR feelings don't matter to him. His kids matter more. Or, he is just too lazy to do something about his kids..
So, my take is that right now, you already DO have a problem with your marriage.
He says that I am mean and
He says that I am mean and just want him to instill fear in his kids and that they should be able to be themselves and that he isn't going to do that. Hell no I don't like the crap that my DH allows this kid to pull.
That is exactly what I was
That is exactly what I was thinking as well. I can argue and tell him until I am blue in the face what I think and he will still parent his kids the way he wants to which is not parenting at all in my eyes. Just telling YSS over and over again to stop doing what he is doing is not effective anymore.
So.. this means one of two
So.. this means one of two things.
1. You ARE unreasonable and are asking him to be mean. (telling him he should hit his children or have unreasonably strict rules and have zero tolerance).
or....
2. He is putting his children 100% before you. He is telling you that he doesn't care if you are inconvenienced, annoyed, embarrassed or uncomfortable. He is saying that your feelings are less important than his children's are.
Believe me, there IS a difference between a kid being a kid and a kid being a holy terror. Some of what you describe of YSS seems not too atypical for a kid (younger than 10 though.. he seems emotionally behind). Siblings fight, siblings compete, kids can be loud and demanding and self centered. It's up to a parent to keep that at a dull roar. It isn't a matter of not letting them be themselves...it's a matter of them learning to live in a world where their impulses aren't given the priority. In polite society, we don't always get our way and we don't always get to be loud and obnoxious. Teaching kids to be polite is actually doing them a favor.
So, you can disengage from your skids.. but unless you look into your soul and agree that you are being too harsh.. your husband is clearly telling you that you do not matter.
So he is pretty much not even
So he is pretty much not even considering my feelings and saying that his kids feelings are more important?
Agreeing with you would be
Agreeing with you would be admitting his failings.
He knows he's doing a sh!t job - he's using you as the big bad meanie who's being unreasonable.
Step back and let him do it all himself... he'll come around. Hopefully.
Yes.. I mean you come on here
Yes.. I mean you come on here and repeatedly complain/vent about the childrens' behavior... you complain that your DH won't do anything. He has to know this is a problem for you and he refuses to do anything about it.. yes.. their need to "be kids" is over riding your need for peace in your home.
I've only partially said bits
I've only partially said bits and pieces of your blog today, so I'm just going to comment on this statement you made :
"Ok so when BM wants to baby YSS and bring stuff that he forgot at her house are we supposed to tell him no she can bring it over?"
YSS is ADHD, you'll find times the kid would forget his foot if it wasn't attached. Now that isn't giving the kid an excuse, but this is where , as a parent, it's Dad's job to help the kid in training methods to do remember. That might mean making a written list of things kid is suppose to bring. List can also contain items that are optional and kid may want to bring.
Kid has list. Dad asks kid upon pick-up if kid has everything necessity packed and any of the optional items kid might want also packed. If kid says 'yes', then that's it, off Dad and kids go to arrive at your home. The first few times this happens and kid fibbed and didn't read list, kid just goes without. Dad explains 'tough cookies kiddo'. After several of this routine, kid will get better at checking the list and packing his bag.
Part of his biting and kicking is his poor impulse control and being compulsive. I really wish your DH would join a support group and learn parenting methods to help his child actually thrive. Giving into kid is not the answer, yet neither is beating on the kid. This kid has to learn to live with his ADHD for the rest of his life. Not just as a child. He needs constructive methods and skills to handle his diagnose. He can learn if the environment he's taught in is consistent (one of the kid's biggest disadvantage right now is going back and forth between two homes. His BM enables and his father doesn't know how to help his son in Dad's home).
DH tells me that he has tried
DH tells me that he has tried everything to get his kid to listen and he has ran out of things to try and keep the behavior minimized. So with the ADHD what are we supposed to do to punish this kid or should I say help him with this behavior because this is going on every day for the past 2 weeks.
You say he is a disney dad.
You say he is a disney dad. He says he has done "everything".. so which is it really?
It seems clear that he does that pathetical parenting "asking" for good behavior.
I know I have suggested a bunch of times that your husband give his kid the riot act BEFORE things happen to get ahead of the curve. Has he tried it?
Like at the barbeque.
DH: Boys, we are going to a party at X's house today. I expect you to be polite, say please and thank you, do not fight with each other and don't hog all the food. If there are other kids there, you will play and share nicely with them. If you don't behave nicely, I will make you leave the party and we will sit in the car until everyone is ready to go and there will be no TV or video games for two days. Ok boys, do you understand? What are you supposed to do today?
SS's.. we are supposed to be nice to people and behave politely. We won't fight with each other and we will share.
DH: and what happens if you don't?
SS's We have to go sit in the car with you until the party is over and lose tv and video games.
DH: That's right kids, now, let's all be good so everyone can have a good time.
I think that he really is a
I think that he really is a Disney dad because he feels like he abandoned his kids when he left BM and he let them get away with everything when I first met him. I mean they still get away with stuff it just isn't as bad now because I have brought it to his attention. So maybe if he is consistent enough and telling them this stuff before they go somewhere and if he follows through if they don't listen then YSS behavior might improve?
Ok I will see where this goes
Ok I will see where this goes because I start leaving all the time or doing things by myself and maybe he will get a clue?