I need a better attitude
Someone please help talk me though this because I am really struggling...
On the weeks/weekends that SD15 is due to visit, I am in a bad mood before she even arrives. Just the thought of the visit stresses me out. I tend to be withdrawn the entire visit in attempt to avoid her. We don't speak to each other much. I feel like I'm just waiting for her to act like a fool, and she never disappoints.
Here's my problem...
I don't want to be unhappy when she's around. I want to go on about my life in the same happy mood as before she arrived. I end up avoiding the rest of the family just to stay away from her. I'm 100% disengaged, but it hasn't brought me much peace. I don't think I've let go of the control enough to really not care.
DH and I got into a huge fight last night about this. It hurts his feelings that I push her away, but I also push him away because his lack of parenting makes me angry. I laid it all out on the table for DH and didn't leave anything unsaid. I wasn't going to shoulder all the blame. In the end I think we both agreed that we could make some changes to help the family function better.
I want to get to a point where I can be friendly and make a little small talk with SD15. I told myself I would put more effort into making this happen even if it's just acknowledging her in some way as I pass though the room. I went downstairs a few minutes ago. She was sitting at the kitchen table. I saw the sour look on her face just daring anyone to speak to her. She made sure not to make any eye contact with me. And just like that, I couldn't think of one friendly thing to say to her. I just walked on though the room without speaking.
How in the world do I get to this place I want to be? I think I may be an emotional sponge just soaking up all the negative vibes she brings.
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Comments
How is SD's relationship with
How is SD's relationship with your DH? It is strained?
They have a decent
They have a decent relationship. It was strained while she lived with us, but has mended since she moved back with BM. I can tell that dh is disappointed in how she's turning out and has a lot of fears for her future. He is also aware that SD15 has problems with maintaining relationships with any non-related adults. Most adults don't enjoy her company and this causes DH to feel sorry for SD15.
Don't know if this will help
Don't know if this will help in your situation, but I've found that the skids definitely feed off the energy I'm displaying. When I've been distant and aggravated with SD12 for a while and been pretty short with responses to her in an effort to minimize contact, I find that she withdraws too. When I put in an effort to chit chat with her and be kind and friendly, I find that she starts to open up and return the sentiment...assuming she doesn't have a piss poor attitude from something else.
So maybe you should try to acknowledge her and chit chat with her even if she seems to have that sour look on her face. If she continues to give you attitude even with you being kind to her I would not continue, but give her a little time to show her that you're trying to embrace a more positive relationship with her, she may open up to it.
I agree, be the bigger person
I agree, be the bigger person and acknowledge her. I know this is easier said than done. Say something funny. When SDs come back, sometimes I'll say something like, "Yay! the stepdaughters are back!" (sarcastically) At least it's something. You are the adult and kids have a hard time making the first move to strike up a conversation. I have 3 SDs, you have 1, you have it made!
My way is usually food. My
My way is usually food. My SS is a hard child to love. There have been many times that I have just ignored his presence.
But I kept trying. I keep hoping that he will turn around and be a decent person.
The problem is that he is very difficult to spend time with. Very whiny, self centered and just weird sometimes.
So, when I want to reach out to him or (selfishly) win brownie points with DH, I'll make something that SS loves.
He loves my "Twix" desert that I make. I'll make my Twix and tell DH, "I make some Twix. I know how much SS loves those." DH is happy I'm not giving up and SS thanks me over and over.
He loves the breakfast burrito's too. Sets a nice start to the day. Win Win.
This. Find something you both
This. Find something you both like. Bake with her, get a pedicure together, bike ride, play cards. It actually doesn't have to involve a ton of talking. Find one thing you both enjoy and can do together.
Much easier said than done.
Much easier said than done.
I had one SD who hit it off with me immediately and her older sister who was just a mean, horrible witch who hated everything and everyone. Super mean to her dad and her siblings constantly, tolerated or ignored me.
I invited her to do everything under the sun and was rejected every time. Every. Time.
Years of rejection is so, so fun...
Same here, ive invited ss13
Same here, ive invited ss13 to stuff iknow he would love to go to, but its ME So he says no. Ill even ask him again, because he may not have heard me, just ready with NO.
Ive given up that road.
Unless dad asks him i do not even bother.
Not sure what advice to give ya, she does not live with you fulltime, i live with mine fulltime so he HAS to deal with me- i buy his food!# haha.
Oh she doesn't live with us
Oh she doesn't live with us at all anymore. She's 20 now and out on her own. Woot, woot!
From 12-18 though it was pure torture EOWE and for LOOOOONNNNNGGGGG vacation visits three times a year...
I'm just pointing out that the "Be the bigger person" and "Invite her to do something special, just the two of you!" kind of advice doesn't always, or even usually, pan out with a kid like this.
I understand you completely .
I understand you completely . It sucks that right when you are about to make the attempt you see something you dont like and the feeling goes out the window.
No matter what else is going
No matter what else is going on in my head, if Winona enters the room, I no matter what will say "hey", and "bye". The basics. I don't engage in small talk and chit chat if I am not in the mood. I also do not engage in any arguments - that's SO's job, not mine. But no matter what toxic dark cloud is hanging over Winona, I always acknowledge her presence as a basic sign of respect. I used to not say a word, and then we began shunning each other and it would get worse and worse.
Its not worth it -she is not worth unhappiness.
But I am currently in the position of anger at Winona because right now, I cannot stand her presence or voice or pretty much looking at her. She has finally graduated high school, has no job, and no license and continues to mooch.
I know a 15-yo cannot be expected to pay their own way, but if you could reach an understanding with DH, and have her help you out, in some small way it might break that chain of bad emotions a little bit.
These are good
These are good tips.
Basically, I think you have to kindof "fake it till you make it".
Take the high road. Do nice things because it feels good to be nice. Say hello cheerfully.. who cares if she looks at you like you sprouted a third ear? You were the better person.
You don't have to sit down with her and have heart to hearts.. but if you consistently treat her with kindness... (without asking or pointing out a lack of reciprocity) ultimately you will know you did the right thing and likely your DH will see that.. AND.. the girl might find it difficult to maintain her attitude when faced with the opposite.
^^Yep. I prefer to take the
^^Yep. I prefer to take the high road and not lower myself to another level. It allows me to look back and know that I did nothing of which I should be ashamed.
Totally agree with this. I
Totally agree with this.
I spent many angry moments...inner turmoil...thinking about OSD and the unfairness of it all. But I am proud that I always smiled, always invited her...and only snapped at her one time in 7+ years. And even then...my DH said that my definition of "snapping" at someone is not actually snapping when I told him I was feeling guilty about it...so maybe she didn't even notice? He was there, and he said I seemed slightly curt...
I struggle with the same
I struggle with the same issue. The second I know the Skids are coming, I just tighten up from the stress. And I only have to deal with YSS now but it doesn't matter, it us a conditioned response from all the years I had to deal with OSS and MSS.
I had to really try to put myself in YSS shoes. He has been relatively good around me, hasn't been out of the norm bad and is pretty respectful most of the time. However, I still can go an entire weekend without finding ONE thing to say to him. He typically acts the same to me. I don't take it badly, it is how we interact or don't interact.
It could be that your SD isn't speaking to you or looks sour out of a defense mechanism. She feels your energy toward her and she would rather keep you from getting close than get hurt. Not blaming you at all....as I said, I have done the same thing.
But at times, I feel guilty for it. And I make an effort to at least make small talk. Next time you see your SD with that look on her face, just walk past and say "hey, how was your day" and if she grunts at you, just walk away. The next time you see her, do the same thing. Eventually she will lighten up.
My OSD was like this. Made my
My OSD was like this. Made my life so miserable for years...uncomfortable and walking on eggshells in my own home...that I was paying for! Nothing DH and I tried worked. She was just intent on being unhappy and making sure the whole world knew it.
She moved out on her own and is now a lovely person who visits and actually initiates conversation. Go figure.
PS - only one skid still comes over, YSD. She and I have always gotten along, but I still feel tense before she visits. I try not to think about it too much and just go with the flow for a couple days. Usually I am able...in fact, I usually enjoy the visit somewhat once I get over than initial hump of her arrival...and I find I dreaded it more than necessary. I mention this to say...visitation is just unnatural and no fun no matter the skid, in my opinion. A rotten, sourface skid makes it unbearable.
It took me a long time to not
It took me a long time to not take DS26's communication (or lack thereof) personally, and that is my own kid who I probably know better than anyone else. Probably is a tiny bit on the ASD spectrum. I just learned not to let it get to me, still say "hi", and "bye" whether or not I get a response. It's just how he is. I'm not a big talker and not uncomfortable with silence, so it's not a big deal to me. Heck, I'm probably a bit on the ASD spectrum myself so maybe that's why I understand him as much as I do. It can get in the way of things though, so modeling social skills and having some basic social expectations of her would be a good thing. Spending time together doing something fun or accomplishing a task is nice too.
It took me a long time to not
It took me a long time to not take DS26's communication (or lack thereof) personally, and that is my own kid who I probably know better than anyone else. Probably is a tiny bit on the ASD spectrum. I just learned not to let it get to me, still say "hi", and "bye" whether or not I get a response. It's just how he is. I'm not a big talker and not uncomfortable with silence, so it's not a big deal to me. Heck, I'm probably a bit on the ASD spectrum myself so maybe that's why I understand him as much as I do. It can get in the way of things though, so modeling social skills and having some basic social expectations of her would be a good thing. Spending time together doing something fun or accomplishing a task is nice too.
How do you make yourself feel
How do you make yourself feel better.....
do things you like to do and things you enjoy doing, start with hobbies, take her visiting week-ends as your off week-ends, go bowling, go fishing, spend the whole time reading or what ever.
When you see her say Hi and bey, friendly, nothing more required... if she chats with you chat back, but never start first...
Remember she's there to see her father not the evil witch he married, keep it that way and make yourself happy.. no need to try and make a sulky teen queen happy, you will not win, simply ignore her.