Summer Blues
I haven't been on since SS12 last visit. Spring Break went surprisingly well. SS visit was pretty pleasant aside from typical preen teen moodiness.
SS was bummed that we didn't have anything special planned like waterparks, etc, but we went to the museums and went for ice cream and things like that. All in all it was one of the best visits we've had, and so I thought things were looking up.
But then...
We are supposed to go pick up SS for 6 week summer break this week. DH just got a phone call from him. No niceties, no "Hi dad". SS just said "Hey, I just wanted to inform you that I am not coming this summer. I'm 12 now and I get to decide and I've got a lot of things here that I want to do so I'm going to stay with mom and I don't want to discuss it further." and with that he hung up.
DH called back and reached BM who very calmly said, I have no opinion in the matter, he is 12 and he can decide. DH asked if he could talk to SS and she said he already said his piece and doesn't want to talk about it. He tried to talk to her further saying our kids miss him (BS6 has been excited about the visit)and she said she told him to think long and hard about it and he made up his mind.
DH is devastated. We'd already prepared his room and I got it fixed up in his favorite colors and we had camping plans and everything.
DH accidentally said something in front of BS and now he's upset too.
If it's a matter of summer plans, surely we could work around them, or break up the visit into week chunks or something. But SS wouldn't even hear him out. I suggested maybe calling in a few days and telling him that. But I guess it's not my place either.
I'm upset that DH is so heartbroken. It happens all the time over SS, but usually it BM's doing, not SS. I understand he may have plans and he's getting older, but that's not to say that he hasn't been persuaded into it either.
I dunno.
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I see you're in Texas. My
I see you're in Texas. My understanding of the law is at 12 the child's opinion is taken into consideration in court but that DOES NOT mean that they get to fully decide. Especially not on a whim without legally changing the visitation that is filed with the courts. I beleive your DH could very well still enforce his visitation and tell his son he does not have a choice in the matter.
If your DH wants to go that route, I'd probably suggest explaining to his son what the laws ACTUALLY are, but also stating that he understands as he gets older there are things he wants to do that are only at his mom's and try to work with him on some visitation time that would make both of them happy.
Oh! now we will have to look
Oh! now we will have to look into it further. I did not know that. BUT, I'm wondering how SS will react when he is forced to come when he doesn't want to. He doesn't have a great behavioral track record. Is it worth the fight? For DH it definietly is... but for the rest of our family, I'm not so sure. but we do have fun things planned. I'm torn. But again, I know it's not my decision, but it will be a hard one for DH.
In California, child gets to
In California, child gets to speak for themselves at 12 years old. This, and a judge who saw thru BM's lies (I'd love to share details but keeping details intentionally vague on ST) and truely seemed to have SS's best interests in mind. She shut BM down (creative lying plus nearly a decade of 100% success in lying in court to get her way made the B over-confident!), took SS into the judges chamber for a long talk, then came out and took the "Bad Cop" role by announcing specifically that it was the JUDGES decision that DH gets custody. BM still took it out on SS knowing he told the judge about what it's like living with her, but at least he's been free of BM having the power to lie to keep him from his dad from that point forward.
She's been losing in court ever since, and regularly pays child support only because it's garnished before she can even touch it!
"I just wanted to inform
"I just wanted to inform you," and "I don't want to discuss it further," does not sound like a 12 year old. Gee, I wonder who coached him?
AT 12, BM really shouldn't be letting him decide.
Breaking up the 6 weeks sounds like a good idea.
Yes all of this, sounds
Yes all of this, sounds coached, he cannot really decide, and breaking up the 6 weeks sounds like a good idea!
my thoughts exactly.
my thoughts exactly.
You know, it's weird..
You know, it's weird.. sometimes kids CAN be a little adult sounding.
When my YSD was around 8 she wanted to come live with us full time. Her parents had joint custody, but they had been living with mom on on a FT basis during school. She wanted to live with dad full time.
She told her mother that she felt like children should be able to have some say in where they live and that it didn't mean that she loved her mother less.. but that she just wanted to try a different arrangement for a while. Shockingly her mother allowed it. (as long as CS was not adjusted of course).
From what I understand, at 12
From what I understand, at 12 they have a say in it, but as far as we can tell they don't get final decision. DH is making calls trying to figure out what to do.
My SD13 decided that she was
My SD13 decided that she was not coming over for the summer. She is involved in karate and takes classes 3 nights a week. DH works swing shift and I would not get home in time to take her to classes.
How far away do you live from SS? Could you or DH take him to the fun stuff he is talking about?
My son is 12 and would not want to spend all summer at his dads(his dad is not involved). He would want to hang out with his friends. He may not have been coached but have told his mom how he feels and she helped him tell DH.
Like I said my DS is 12 and him and his friends are already exchanging stories about what they have done this summer trying to out do the other one. One friend is in NY and one in Canada so my son is losing by a long shot lol
We are 6 hours away in
We are 6 hours away in another town.
I do understand that. At 12 you have plans and friends, but he could at least talk to DH. If he didn't want to do the whole visit then so be it, but a week or two shouldn't be an issue if he would just talk to him.
Does SS have a phone? Will BM
Does SS have a phone?
Will BM not make SS talk to DH?
He does. often it gets taken
He does. often it gets taken by BM for whatever punishment. DH tries to call on a regular basis. SS picks up once in a blue moon, mumbles a few "yeah"s and "ok"s has nothing to say and then says he's got to go. BM doesn't make him do anything, especially when it comes to DH.
After reading it again, it
After reading it again, it seems that your SS actually hung up on his dad! My DH would have been fuming!
He did.
He did.
So, from other poster
So, from other poster information, it appears that SS and perhaps BM are incorrect in their interpretation. It sounds like in TX that if you went to court, the judge might listen to a 12 year old's input, but even then may not 100% go with their wishes.
So, once that is confirmed by the lawyer I think this is the response to BM/SS
So, actually, SS is incorrect. At 12 he does not have the right to decide that he won't come for visitation. I would prefer if we stick to the boundaries of the CO which is 6 weeks etc.... However, if SS has some specific activities that he is worried about missing, I am willing to be flexible on the timing and duration of the visit. What I won't accept is NO visitation this summer. If you want to discuss some compromise, fine, otherwise, I will plan to pick him up for his 6 week visit per the CO. If he is not available for me to exercise my rights per the CO, I will be filing in court that you are in contempt of the CO. Again, I am willing to discuss reasonable compromises, but if we are not able to come to a satisfactory end, I will expect the CO to be enforced.. as written.
I feel sorry for your son and
I feel sorry for your son and your husband......
but this will be a good life lesson for SS, he's doing what BM is telling him to do, and well he probably told her it's no fun at your house, remember last visit there was not a fortune spend on him in water parks and you did not entertain him 24/7... BM promised all of that for this holiday.. reason for him not visiting.
I would simply talk to DH and say, maybe we can teach him a life lesson, BM will get tired of this moody teen boy under her feet and half way through she will call and try and dump him on DH and you, this is the time DH needs to say to SS.... sorry kiddo you made the choice to stay with mum this holiday, we made plans... we can not accommodate you right now but I will pick you up in 5 days time for the remainder of the holiday.... let SS piss off BM for 5 days extra lol... And DH have to make sure not to send BM any extra money then the normal... she made promises to SS of a nice life if he stays.. she can fund it....
I think it will be the last time ever something like this would happen, if you are firm and let SS and BM deal with her bossy stupid power game... Remember.. SS said he's 12 he can make up his own mind... thus teach him to stick to his decisions