Is my DH out of line?

So tonight is DH and I's last night of freedom before we get the skids for the next 30 days. Per the CO DH only picks up the skids on Thursday nights during the school year well guess what the skids last day of school was yesterday. Tomorrow is my birthday and DH and I's first wedding anniversary so I wanted to spend the evening with just us and he was like well the skids are expecting me to pick them up. I told him you are the one that wants to follow the CO so why are you not trying to follow it and this will be our last night to spend together. Then BM texts last night....

Conversation goes like this:
BM: Are you picking up the boys tomorrow?
DH: Please refer to my letter I sent you before April 1st.
BM: Why do you have to make communicating with you so difficult. I try to talk to you about what is going on with the boys you need to grow up and act like an adult!!
DH: Ignore

Yeah right when you don't get your way all you do is belittle and threaten. Am I wrong to think that she could've just referred to the letter and the CO instead of being spoon fed like everyone else does with her?

The conversation a few weeks ago:
BM: OSS has a band concert tonight you need to pick him up earlier today so that he can get to his concert on time and you will have to feed him before he goes.
DH: Did not text her back right away because he was in a meeting with his boss so he didn't have time to answer her right away he is at work you know.
BM: 5 minutes goes by after she texts him then she calls him and he doesn't answer the phone
BM: sent several more text messages demanding that she needs to know what time OSS will be picking up and that he needs to eat before the band concert
Mind you she let DH know about the band concert the day before and then is texting DH that afternoon. If she knew about this why didn't she text him about this the night before??

DH: After his meeting DH answers BM and says I will pick up OSS at 5:00 pm so that he makes it on time to his band concert and I will pick him up something to eat on my way to get him.

When DH arrives to pick up OSS he has a bag of Whataburger even though he told BM that he was picking up food for OSS so there was a waste of money because OSS didn't eat it.

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BM said that he needed to

BM said that he needed to grow up and be an adult because he texted her to please refer to the letter that he sent her before April 1st so because she didn't get the answer she wanted which was yes or no he texted him that crap.

Just curious...how much more

Just curious...how much more difficult would it have been for him to say Yes or NO?

Or..

I will be picking them up at X time on X day per the notice I sent you on April 1.

I saw his answer as a bit being difficult because he obviously KNOWS the answer and is going to make her go dig up a notice from a month ago. Also, the kids may have been telling differently.. "daddy says he's coming to pick me up at Y not X" so she is trying to figure out what is right.

And yeah.. stay off his phone and out of his conversations with his EX. It obviously frustrates you since you don't have any control.. so stop hitting your head against that wall.

Agree with all of this.

She belittles him and

She belittles him and threatens him all the time yes, DH could've just said yes or no which he probably show have but, she doesn't need to be telling him that he needs to grow up and be an adult when she is the one that says I will take you back to court or you are in contempt of court all the time. Who is the one that needs to grow up?

Honestly? You all three

Honestly? You all three probably need to grow up a little bit.

He needs to stop with the passive aggressive responses like he gave her. She asked a question and he refers her to a month old communication that in all honesty it sounds like his convo's with his kids may have confused them as to what the plan was.

She needs to stop trying to micromanage her kids' lives when they aren't with her. Though, perhaps in the past he hasn't been super reliable on things like getting the kids meals so she felt she had to have a backup plan. She shouldn't threaten all the time, but maybe that's the only time she gets action from him.. who knows. I do think his response was a bit immature and passive aggressive, but she didn't need to necessarily say it.

You need to stay out of their communication space. He needs to discuss things with you that will impact you. These back and forth conversations do NOT need to be any of your business. You also need to let him navigate things a bit. If he is able to have his child when it is not ordered in his CO.. I don't think it's right to put up roadblock. It's his child, in a perfect world for him, he would be with his bio child full time right? It does seem that you tend to have an issue every time he might get more time with the kid. I know the kid annoys you, but probably the more time the child spends learning your household rules.. the easier he may be to be around.

I just wanted to spend the

I just wanted to spend the night celebrating with my DH before we have a non stop month of drama. I didn't think that was too much to ask for so I expressed my feelings to my DH and he understood after I told him that he should follow the CO so there isn't any confusion between him and BM and that I wanted to celebrate our marriage together. When the skids come over on Thursday night the oldest one goes into his room and shuts the door and the youngest one is either on his Xbox or watching TV so they really aren't spending any time with my DH so I really don't think one night wouldn've have mattered. He usually spends all the time with the skids on the weekends. I agree I need to try to stay out of his business and drama with BM and I am going to try. It is going to be hard but, I need to do it for my own sanity and my marriage.

I understand you feelings

I understand you feelings about your anniversary. However, it sounds like the kids are confused and it's possible that things your husband told them made them confused and so his EX calls to get the scoop.

It does seem on more than this occasion though you have what you consider good reasons to not want his kids around. And, based on things you say he has said to you, he has the impression that you don't want them around either.

I understand about high conflict BM's... I really do. I remember how my blood would boil when she would say something negative towards him or in a crappy way. My instinct was to be defensive to my DH. But, he was a big boy and he could handle himself. I was able to not hold on to a lot of rage and didn't let her take up space. In the moment I was angry, but I didn't sit around and stew over it. If you have a hard time letting go, I would try to avoid the situations all together.

I totally get it. We are

I totally get it. We are going on a month of non-stop Skids because BM got herself evicted and fired. I would LOVE some time with them gone, but I seriously don't think that's in the cards. I need to find ways to deal with them, to tolerate them in my home 24/7. Good Luck this Summer. Be GLAD that it is going to come to an end. Also remember, anything can happen and you could get the Full-time. Life is constantly changing.

It just bothers me the way

It just bothers me the way she talks to him LadyFace

I'm a BM and I actually do

I'm a BM and I actually do this, I wonder if I'm causing waves over at my ex's house? I do it just because I'm too lazy to look it up or I forget.

tankh21 - I get that your are

tankh21 - I get that your are pissed of and venting here, this is why this site is here, to vent and get frustrations out, thus vent away Hon...

Now back in the real world.... I agree with other posters, simply disengage from BM, If Dh wants to share, smile and say, Hon this puts tremendous stress on me and out relationship, I trust in you to handle this without me.... then kiss him and walk away...

However you can keep reminding him to stay to the CO and not change anything, he can keep on texting BM, please refer to the CO.... and then keep on ignoring her, your DH thus far has not done anything seriously wrong compared to some other men we vent about, mine included....

Next time DH says "kids expect me to..." laugh and say, Hon.. you expect your boss to pay you more money, is he doing it? change the situation to DH and something, no mentioning of skids and ask him then ... is this happening?
or something like... DH it's my birthday and you expect some "gratitude"... do you think you will get it with kids in the house.....

just change your game plan a bit...

I can understand the

I can understand the confusion over Thursday evening. What wording does the CO state as to when summer schedule begins? School is likely to end on different dates from year to year. Some CO will state something like 'the Friday of the week school ends', some will state the day after school ends.

If you'd rather not have the kids until Friday, just acknowledge "BM, I will be getting the kids on Friday, June 2nd at x o'clock".

My GS was scheduled to be out of school last week , he's now scheduled to be out this week due to snow/ice school closings during the winter. I realize your weather is not as extreme in winter as mine is, but some simple confirmation finalizing for a month exchange isn't really being controlling or out of line.

It seems from what you've written about the summer visit, even your DH has been uncertain as to if he has the kids this evening or tomorrow. You clarified it for him. He's got the same copy of the CO as BM does. If you had to clarify it to DH, why such a big deal if BM and Dad have a quick confirmation text?

IMO, you have enough bull from this BM without hardballing it over a simple confirmation text. This one sounds sensible to recheck and consider a pimple, not a mound hill and especially not a mountain.

If you're not having the kids tonight, go out and celebrate. Have fun. Unfortunately you will have no peaceful dinners out for the next month as you well know the youngest will turn dining out into a nightmare. Enjoy a dinner for your birthday and anniversary. Get the kids tomorrow. Just text and say 'getting kids at x on Friday'.

Ok so I should stay out of it

Ok so I should stay out of it and let DH do what he wants with Satan's bidder.

yes simply ignore it and

yes simply ignore it and ignore it again lol.......

it's the best thing you can do for yourself and if Dh starts talking about it, say mmmm aaaa hey what do you think about this dress/pants/ my fat ass/ my new hair style/chipped nail/weather....

Ignore them both. Pick out a

Ignore them both. Pick out a lovely outfit for dinner tonight. If DH goes and gets the kids, you go out and enjoy yourself anyway. He can sit home with his kids. If he isn't going out with you, invite a female friend and enjoy. Put it on his credit card.

Instead of worrying about

Instead of worrying about whether or not your DH is following the CO perfectly, maybe just say to him that you want tonight alone because you want to celebrate your anniversary. Forget about whether or not it's his usual night to get them or not.

How long have you been with DH?

I ask because I used to get wound up about BM so much. I was completely stressed out for years. DH couldn't understand that I hated that he let another woman treat him like that. I bothered me to no end. I needed him to stop telling me EVERYTHING. It was hard at first.

Now, I'm better able let most things go as long as she isn't messing with my home, time and resources.

We will be married a year

We will be married a year tomorrow. DH showed up the conversation and I asked him why do you let her talk to you like that? He said just because a dog barks doesn't mean that I am going to pay attention to it. I don't care if she wants to tell me to be an adult or grow up because I don't care about her or what the thinks about me.

I've been married a year as

I've been married a year as well. My husband showed me a text where BM said that he needed to "grow a set and get your wife in check" Because I signed them up for school in our district on-line and listed myself as step-mother (which I am).

I said, "why don't you let her have it??" He just replied that he didn't care what she said

I've been married a year as

I said, "why don't you let her have it??" He just replied that he didn't care what she said

DH knew that he didn't have

DH knew that he didn't have the skids this Thursday because Last Friday, he asked me to read what the CO stated because he wast at work and was curious to know if he picked up the skids on Thursday night or Friday night. He also stated in that letter he sent BM that he was picking them on Friday June 2nd so he already knew last week technically that he was going to pick them up on Friday but, he said last night that the skids were most likely expecting him to pick them up I mean they don't want what the CO says. And it is not DH's job to spoon feed BM threw life when she can pick up the CO and look at it just like DH does instead of asking DH things all the time and then getting pissed off when he tells her things that she doesn't want to hear.

Wait.. you mean even though

Wait.. you mean even though your DH sent her a letter at the beginning of April he still called you to check the CO last week?

Do you think that perhaps the fact that there are little details like school year/non-school year that might confuse people if they don't look at it every day. Certainly, the kids could be confused because they obviously don't have it.

Really, their CO has some specifics that they might not have in their memory banks. Just like he wasn't at home to look at the CO, his EX may have been away from where SHE could check it. She just asked a simple question and he got passive aggressive in his response and it actually resulted in MORE communications.. not less.

I honestly DO see some things about your DH's EX that would be a pain to deal with, but some of the stuff doesn't seem that unreasonable. It does seem that you get overly stressed by it though, so I would probably stay far away and let your DH deal.

BM: Are you picking up the

BM: Are you picking up the boys tomorrow?
DH: Please refer to my letter I sent you before April 1st.

If he wants to keep interactions with her to a minimum, he should have just answered the question. You see it as him giving in and "spoon feeding" her information, I see it as him picking his battles, best to just answer the question and be done with her. Instead, he gave her a reason to continue the communication and he looked like an ass.

When DH arrives to pick up OSS he has a bag of Whataburger even though he told BM that he was picking up food for OSS so there was a waste of money because OSS didn't eat it.

Personally, I would not have picked up the food until after picking up SS, just in case something changed and he had already eaten. Lesson learned.

It just bothers me the way she talks to him

I get that, believe me, but there's nothing YOU can do about it. That is between your husband and his ex, and they are BOTH antagonizing each other.

DH picked up food for OSS

DH picked up food for OSS because BM said that he needed to eat before the concert and he didn't want an unnecessary drama, texts or phone calls from BM so he just stated to her that he was picking up food for OSS and she got him food any way. So why ask him to do it and when he says that he is going to do it you end up doing it yourself any way. It's not like DH has told her that he is going to do something and not follow through when it comes to his kids needs. She was just a downright ass I think!

Lol, I'd have just said "OK"

Lol, I'd have just said "OK" and waited to see what happened Monday Morning

That is why DH is constantly

That is why DH is constantly referring back to the CO because it is hard to remember everything just like we found out he doesn't have to get the skids on Thursday night if it is not during the school year. I guess DH could've just said a simple No to BM and been done with it and you probably wouldn't have said that comment to her.

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