Happy I finally found people I can relate to, please give advice. TIA.
Hey everyone, I am new here and have been looking for a place/people I can vent to that can give advice because they are in a similar situation.
My 15 yr old step daughter(whom we have primary custody of) has been causing problems in my Marriage for the past 3 yrs, and problems in our relationship for the past 8 yrs. I have been with my now husband for 13 yrs but things have gotten so bad in the past month that I called my step daughters biological grandmother(who is raising my step daughters 3 yr old sister) and asked if she could move there temporarily. My step daughter has told me consistently that she hates me, hates living in our house, doesn't feel comfortable around me; but likes my two daughters a(her sisters)and my husband(her dad), just not me. She's lying, stealing, cheating, skipping classes in school, and failing; she's out of control and not allowing me to parent her, and my husband works full time and is rarely home; I'm a stay at home mom. What am I supposed to do!?!
For the longest time I was allowing her to chase me from my own house, just recently I decided I wasn't going to allow a 15 yr old to control my life, but its still difficult being around someone who bullies me and does whatever she can to make me feel uncomfortable and excludes me any way she can. She won't come out of her room whenever I'm home, but as soon as I leave or when I'm not there she is out of her room chatting her fathers ear off; her and I haven't spoken to each other in a month on Thursday. She's been avoiding me, and I'm giving her space.
Looking forward to your comments and advice, happy I found this site!
Angel without wings
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this^^^^^^
You say she is bullying you
You say she is bullying you and not letting you parent her (?) but then you mention later on that she locks herself in her room and doesn't come out if you're around. Please explain. Also a big thing I learned when I started here was to learn the difference between stepkids just being normal unhygienic, rude pubescent teenagers versus stepkids being rude, ungrateful, unparented stepkids. If she's been with y'all since early 2s to now, then I think you can chalk some of this up to hormones. And the rest up to Disney Dad making you do his parenting for him without backing you up.
She just recently started
She just recently started being in her room ALL the time, maybe the past 6 months. When I confront her with my husband about something she did(for example take something that doesn't belong to her), she gets confrontational by saying "you're talking kind of close to me, do you want to get closer", like egging me on. She's also put her hands on me on several occasions out of anger.
I agree, a lot of the problems do come from my husband not backing me up when he should have; I've had that conversation with him lots, but we are where we are today, and things in my house are NOT good. I'm concerned about the two little ones being around the arguing and seeing how disrespectful she is to me. I'm counting down the days until she is out of my house.... the day she turns 18 and is disrespectful, she's out. I can not and will not live like this forever!
unfortunately 18 is not the
unfortunately 18 is not the magic number. If you own the home then you should have more say-so anyway right now. Her father is not being a good parent and is allowing this behavior. Time to seek some therapy because this has been going on a VERY long time!
I stepped into this situation 3 years ago in July, and the eldest is now 18. I was told "oh, she is just being a teenager and they are all rotten, they grow out of it!" Winona has the emotional maturity of a 12 year old and this past January was busted for shoplifting! And when the BM's boyfriend confronted her, she attacked him physically.
Time to disengage and have your DH step up to the plate. And time to get some locks for your personal items!
Disengage, it's that simple,
Disengage, it's that simple, you do nothing for her, you greet her and that's about the extend of the relationship.
Your husband needs to do the rest
read the link below, take from it and ignore from it, it's just a little thing to explain disengagement and to help you
it's not going to be easy, but as long as you hang in there it gets easier by the month
http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html
I used to "hide-out" when my
I used to "hide-out" when my SS's were over. They would make a point to go Mute whenever I walked into the room. They would make me uncomfortable, take up all the room in the couches and chairs and leave me no where to sit, all the usual.
I finally got pissed enough to take back my house. I started staying in the living room and controlling the TV. I would put on a Chick flick or some movie they would hate. I would then actually squeeze myself between two of them on the couch if they didn't leave me enough room. You could watch them scatter like flies. DH finally started noticing that the SS's never would come out of their rooms when they were over. They eventually just stopped coming at all. I think it was because they always ruled BM's house and then Ruled DH's apartment before we moved in together. I took back control. That is what you should do as well.